by A. K. Smith
Dead.
The towering green pines are swaying in a silent dance, melodic and mesmerizing in the breeze, while falling leaves create the illusion of chaos being thrown from above, signaling an occurrence, a great event is about to begin.
Even nature is celebrating my arrival. I lean back on the seat of my bike and I glance in the rearview mirror, checking out my left side profile, then my right. Who is this handsome guy? I pull my long hair back into a ponytail. I’m even unrecognizable to myself, with my own blue-colored-contact eyes.
That’s okay: this is a college land of opportunity. Students unload their beat-up cars filled to the top with their belongings, hoisting packed boxes that won’t close and pulling suitcases across the cobblestone paths and green lawns of a postcard perfect oak grove.
Guys are helping beautiful girls carry their heavy luggage up the winding stairs and they are exchanging names. Exaggerated laughter, shoulders puffed back and low-cut shirts.
I study the bookworms, the chubby, heavier-built girls sweating as they make the tenth trip up the same set of wicked steps with no help. Just wait until they gain the freshman fifteen. A few may change, get in shape, modify their appearance, and discover who they really are. It’s unlikely but possible. Depends on how much strength they have, determination, and grit.
It can happen, I know. I’ll watch out for those.
They are the special ones.
The fall semester is about to begin. The freshman class is moving in. The triumph of being alive to participate in the dawning of a new year is invigorating. It is contagious. On these hallowed grounds, future leaders will be born, created from diversity, determination, and hard work. Others will slide by with a fistful of dollars and Daddy’s good name.
I’ll spot those slick trust fund babies easily. Oh yeah, I’ll find them.
Students are full of laughter, anxious to start what they believe will be the best times of their lives. The mystery of what lies before them is enticing.
Some looking for the easy road, while others are looking for all the answers.
I can’t relate.
I know the answers. I’ve been down this road before. Heartaches will happen. A fraternity brother will sweep a young freshman off her feet and break her heart less than twenty-four hours after he takes her virginity. A perky blonde will smile at a nerdy loser in class, ask for his help, and then not acknowledge him in a group of her peers. Cliques will form, friends will be made, and enemies will be chosen.
The bullying has already started.
Even on this beautiful day, right now, there’s a group of freshman jerks who will laugh a little too loud with a cocky city boy, taunting the farm boy with his broken-down suitcase and short pants. Others wanting to belong will look down at their clothes, wondering where they match up, and then will laugh with the bullies, trying to pick their sides before they don’t have a choice.
And every day the sun will rise again. But, it’s time for a new change.
I know this to be true.
I know what lies ahead for these cliques.
I’m watching, deciding what side I’m going to pick; for on this day, I have choices. I can fit in where I choose.
I’ve done my homework. I’ve watched and listened to the most popular frat boys, bought the right clothes, and created my door into the cool. I’m into studying the human mind, excited to analyze the actions of freshmen and unravel the puzzle of their brains. No one will know who I truly am… until one day, when it’s too late.
I’ll shock them all.
When the moment is perfect.
Amir James Carter is dead. I know this to be true because I am Amir James Carter. Did he kill himself?
No, not suicide: pseudocide. Amir no longer exists.
No one can find him.
I made sure of that.
Resources
If you have experienced bullying, a school shooting, date rape, sexual assault, verbal or physical abuse you are not alone.
Try talking to someone.
International
https://teencentral.com/
USA
National Safe Place has created TXT 4 HELP Interactive, which allows youth to text live with a mental health professional.
Go To URL: http://nationalsafeplace.org/text-4-help/(link is external)
Agency: Dept. of Health and Human Services
Audience:
High School/Young Adult: 14 to 24 years
Middle School: 11 to 13 years
Youth - All Ages
loveisrespect.org
Highly-trained advocates offer support, information and advocacy to young people who have questions or concerns about their dating relationships.
Peer Advocate Line: 1-866-331-9474.
https://www.saysomething.net/
Say Something is a youth violence prevention program from Sandy Hook Promise (SHP). SHP is a national, nonprofit organization led by several family members whose loved ones were killed in the tragic mass shooting at Sandy Hook School on December 14, 2012. SHP is focused on preventing gun violence (and other forms of violence and victimization) BEFORE it happens. Call the hotline or text all anonymously.
Acknowledgments
There are so many wonderful people to thank for the final edition of Pseudocide. First, I have to thank my husband, Darrell. As you might imagine, being married to a writer isn’t always the easiest partnership. Writing is a solitary job, and I write from wherever home is. I’m blessed to have a partner who understands and supports my passion. Thank you for never freaking out as I researched “how to fake your own death”. Your enthusiasm and love are amazing.
I’m blessed to be the youngest of six children and have an incredible mother. Thank you Mom, Coleen, Iris, Lisa and my brother Pete for your support and advice. Coleen, you’re awesome for constantly re-reading various drafts, and believing in this story! I can’t thank you enough.
As for my wonderful friends who read the first draft and gave advice, thank you. Judy Brinkhurst, Susan Ciardullo, Janine and Michael Wehner, Karla Engel, Cheri Jones, Marcia Brockmeyer, Shonna Andrews and teacher Stephanie Cook. Thank you goes out to my teen (at the time) beta readers, Mckenna Rafferty, Avalon Andrews and Ashley Kennedy. Special thanks to my awesome supporters and friends, Tracy Grandas, Jill Dumin, Nell Tosetto, Corb Harding, Jan Powell and Pam Lindley, I thank you for always being excited and spreading the word about my books.
A very special thank you goes out to Amanda Gin (and Sophia & Durwin). Amanda you are amazing, and I can’t thank you enough for all your input! I can’t wait to see your future after high school. I’m certain you can and will do something awesome in this world!
Jessica Lee Anderson, we may have only met over Zoom during the pandemic, but I feel so lucky to have found you as an editor. You are wonderful— your input is invaluable. I can’t wait to keep working together. Thank you for loving Pseudocide.
And, for all aspiring writers, keep writing. Need help getting started? Create a goal to set a timer each day, and write for 30 minutes a day, write and write, and don’t give up. Your story will come alive. Subscribe to my writers help newsletter at seasidewriter.com.
A note from the author
Thoughts of writing Pseudocide began in 2015. I read an article about a man who faked his death, and then got caught. I reasoned, if I was ever going to fake my own death, I would never get caught.
Why would one want to fake their death? Typically to start over, to escape something terrible, and in my personal opinion, a much better choice than suicide. When I was younger I had the mindset—before I would ever think about killing myself— I would reinvent myself. Unfortunately, I’ve had people in my life, who thought of, gestured, or attempted suicide. I prayed then, and still do with all my heart, that they would change their life instead. Okay, not to the extreme of faking your death, but to reach out and get help, and reinvent yourself. There are resources in the back of this book for anyone who has these thoughts. Talk to someone,
seek help and stick around. The world needs you. Reinventing yourself is a much better choice than leaving this planet.
There are numerous stories in history of men and women faking their death and starting over again. As technology progresses, and humans create more and more digital footprints, it will become difficult to accomplish this. We are tracked by our digital footprint.
Because of technology, and for the integrity of the story, my main character had to be young. Digital footprint of an adult is much harder to erase. The first few drafts were written before the pandemic, and as the pandemic of 2020 exploded, I tried to rewrite the manuscript and set it during pandemic times. It didn’t work. In the year of the pandemic, we are all more connected by technology than ever before; even children with online learning.
As I googled ‘how to fake your death’, ‘school shooting’ and ‘radical and domestic terrorism’ theories, I was concerned what my digital footprint must look like! My wish is to take my readers on a journey from Sunday’s point of view. I hope this book makes you realize all the tough situations teenagers face. There are strong social issues such as bullying, racism, sexual assault, domestic abuse and gun violence, which unfortunately are all too real in today’s world. For anyone who has experienced any of those issues, please know you are not alone. Talk to someone.
Book Club Discussion
Thank you wonderful readers. I know there are millions of books out there, and I am honored you read mine. If you have chosen to read Pseudocide as your next book club selection, or book discussion, invite me to attend your event.
If you are interested, I have committed (free of charge) to attend 10 book club Zoom calls, Facetime meetings, or phone calls each month. If you would like to have me virtually attend 30 minutes of your next book club, writers group meeting or school event, please email me at [email protected] to get scheduled.
I love themed book club discussions. For Pseudocide, you could try to recreate one of the menus Sunday experienced. Of course there’s always road trip food, chips, pretzels, protein bars and candy. But, if you want to recreate the Gamblers Special, go to my website aksmithauthor.com for the recipes. You could also ask all attendee’s to wear a disguise. How you would recreate yourself, if you were going to fake your death.
To help your book club discussion, below are some questions you might want to ask:
If you decided to fake your own death, where would you escape to?
If you decided to fake your own death, how would you do it?
Describe Sunday. In what way does her family environment impact her life choices?
Describe Hudson. What five words would you use to describe him?
Do you think Hudson falls in love with Sunday/Hannah?
To what extent does the family dynamics influence each character?
Were you surprised about how Sunday faked her death?
What do you think Sunday learns at the end of the novel?
What do you think about Sunday’s parents? Jack parents? Hudson’s parents? Amir’s parents?
What do you think happens to Amir?
Do you have a tell?
About the Author
Full of wanderlust and a professional sunset watcher, A.K. Smith writes books that will keep you up late. An avid traveler, she travels to find new settings to feature in her novels. If she’s not on the water or in the water, she is looking at the water. She spends her days working remotely online in either Mexico or Arizona. Her big loves are her husband, family, friends, and kindness. Her goal is to step foot on every continent on Planet Earth—she’s slowly getting there
Follow her on social media or join her newsletter at aksmithauthor.com
For fans of suspense and adventure lovers of all types. Check out A. K. Smith’s debut award winning novel, “A Deep Thing” 2017 Readers Favorite Gold Medal Winner.
You can connect with me on:
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Also by A.K. Smith
Please check out my website aksmithauthor.com for updates and giveaways. If you took the chance to write a review, Thank YOU, authors really appreciate every review!
A Deep Thing
2017 Readers Favorite Award- Gold Medal Winner
Dive into A Deep Thing
A suspense conspiracy adventure novel full of twists and turns.
Love - Lies- Secrets and the possibilities of the What if’s?
5 stars “Such an intriguing story that I couldn’t put it down. If you are looking for a great summer read, you have found it”. -Amazon Customer
What WAS her husband hiding in the jungles of Mexico?
Rocked by her husband’s tragic death, Kendall Jackson strives to put her life back together. But Ryder, her nineteen-year-old stepson, is bitter and wants nothing to do with her. And she can’t keep the grief at bay. Sometimes, it’s so strong, she wonders if life is worth living.
A call from a cave diver in Mexico gives her hope of mending the relationship with her stepson. Before his death, her husband arranged a diving expedition as a birthday gift for his son. Kendall persuades Ryder to honor his father’s last wish.
From the campus of Western Maryland College to the woods of Camp David and the caves of the Yucatán, Kendall and Ryder take a journey to discover what her husband worked so hard to hide, and to protect his treasured secrets from falling into the wrong hands. The choices they make will decide their fate and the future of others. Will they risk everything for the truth?
Available on Amazon and other fine booksellers
