by Melissa Haag
“Don’t,” I said. “It’ll only make you hungrier.”
“Then I’ll eat.”
I shook my head and started for the door.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Your jacket is with a human named Ashlyn. She said she’ll bring it over today. Why don’t we watch some movies and wait for her together?”
“The last thing I want is another human in this house. I’ll go get it.”
I moved for my door.
“I’ll take care of the brownie for you,” Mom said behind me. “He’ll be safe. I promise.”
Was I a horrible person for no longer caring? Maybe. I walked out without another word.
The house was quiet, as usual. But given it was close to ten in the morning, I wasn’t too surprised. I was surprised, though, that I’d slept so late. And, by Mrs. Quill’s presence in the dining room.
I stopped short when she saw me and stood.
“Eliana, I know things aren’t easy on you right now, but I promise they’ll get better.”
“Like you promised to care for me always right before telling me you don’t want to feed me anymore?”
“We’re only trying to help you.”
“It’s funny how the people who are trying to help me are the ones who are hurting me the most. If you really wanted to help me, you’d stop bringing people here for my mom to eat and tell the Council to set her free. She’s pregnant and hungry, she doesn’t belong here.”
Something like guilt flashed in Mrs. Quill’s eyes, and in that moment, the conversation in the library came back to me. The Quills and Adira hadn’t been talking about Megan. They’d been talking about my mom and me. Adira had purposefully brought her here to manipulate me into feeding. They’d known my mom hadn’t killed anyone and that she would never kill anyone; but they’d used her pregnancy and voracious feeding as an excuse to bring her here. For me.
“Unbelievable,” I said softly.
“I know you think you’re fine, but you’re not seeing what we’re seeing. You’re slowly dying, starving yourself. And, we love you too much to allow that to happen.”
Mom’s words about how often a girl my age should feed wormed its way into my mind. I focused on my hunger but could barely feel it. A rare thing. Was I dying? I didn’t feel like it. Mostly I felt hurt and angry.
“Please stop loving me. If anything kills me, it’ll be that.”
She looked like I’d slapped her. I didn’t care. I couldn’t endure any more attempts to help me.
“Wait,” she said when I started for the kitchen. “Take what you need.”
She held out a hand, and I knew she was offering to feed me. Instead, I thought of the tree in my dream last night and all the cake I ate.
“I’m really not hungry. Besides, you don’t want to break the rules. Adira wouldn’t like you ruining her games.”
Chapter Thirteen
The ten-minute drive to Ashlyn’s was just long enough for me to cool off a little so I could knock on her door with my usual smile. She answered almost right away.
“Hey, Eliana. I told your mom I was fine bringing the jacket to you. Come in.” She waved me inside as she stepped back.
“I don’t mind. I needed to get out of the house.”
Ashlyn offered me a sheepish smile and closed the door behind me.
“Same,” she admitted. “I thought going to school would help the boredom, but I feel just as confined.”
I wanted to smack myself.
“I’m so sorry, Ashlyn. I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s okay. I’m guessing there’s a pretty good reason for me to not want to visit the Quills if you needed to get out of the house.”
She gestured to the living room.
“Want to sit and talk for a bit?”
I took a step then hesitated, looking at her again.
“I swear I’m fine now,” she said, reading my hesitation. “Skipping class yesterday was just precautionary. That, and I needed a little time, you know?” She glanced at the pictures on her wall. The smiling faces of her family made me hurt for her.
“I’d love to sit and talk for a while,” I said, really meaning it.
“So what drove you out of your house?” she asked, leading the way.
“My mom. I woke up with two boys in my bed. Naked. What kind of mom does that?”
Ashlyn grinned and sat across from me on the couch.
“A succubus mom, I would guess. What was your reaction?”
“About a two-second sprint from my bed. I think I accidentally stepped on one of them. His privates, based on his pained breathing.”
She laughed, and I couldn’t help but smile a little. Then, my humor faded.
“I hate living here,” I said softly.
She grew quiet and looked around the room.
“Me too,” she admitted. “I’d do anything to get out of here. Anything but give up who I am.”
The only way out of Uttira for a human was a mind wipe. Since Ashlyn had been born here, she wouldn’t be left with anything. Not even her name.
“We have more in common than I thought,” I said. “I hate being here, but in order to leave, I would need to stop being who I am, too.”
“So what are you going to do?”
I leaned back into my chair and considered my options.
“Up until now, I’ve followed their rules, to an extent. I don’t like makeup, but I wore it to get them to ease off of other things. I don’t like revealing clothes, but I wore those, also to keep the peace. I’m done compromising, but I don’t know what that means for me. Fenris said not to let Adira see she’s made me sweat, and I agree with that. But, I think I need to show her that she’s made me angry. I’m no Megan. While I know I won’t make Adira quake in her frost giant shoes, I’ve seen the way Adira avoids my mom. If I’m angry, I think my mom will be angry. And Adira and the rest of the Council don’t want my mom angry.”
“What about your mom? She’s the one who tucked you in with two boys.”
I shook my head.
“I don’t know. The Council is keeping her here. I’m hoping that Megan will clear Mom’s name so she can leave.”
Even as I said it, I had my doubts. Would Mom leave? She kept saying how much she liked being here. The Council might have let a beast in that they won’t be able to get out.
“What about you?” I asked. “What are you going to do?”
“The only thing I can do. Wait until I turn eighteen so I can be bound. It’s not ideal, but at least I’ll have a chance at leaving this place then. Even if it’s only for Council errands.”
I could feel her energy. The despondence.
“I don’t think this is the conversation you had in mind,” I said.
She gave me a rueful smile.
“Any conversation is better than sitting in a quiet house with nothing to do.”
I stood.
“Let’s go do something.”
“Like what?”
“I’m out of chocolate, thanks to my mom. Let’s go to the Threadbare Trader and see if Mags has anything we can use to make some dessert. I had an amazing dream about cakes last night, and now I kind of want the real thing.”
We both grabbed our jackets, and I drove us to the shop. Mittens lined the walls, and Mags sat in her usual place behind the counter. She looked up from what she was knitting and greeted me with a smile.
“Haven’t seen you in a while, Eliana. And who’s with you?”
“This is Ashlyn.”
“What kinds of mittens are you two looking for?”
Mags sold banned foods to the teens of Uttira. For the adults and any humans stupid enough to wander into this place on their own, she sold mittens. Overpriced and very soft mittens.
“No mittens. I want enough chocolate to make a cake, please,” I said, not caring that I wasn’t playing along with her usual banter.
Her gaze flicked to Ashlyn then back to me.
“You’re getting bolder. You might bring the wrong person with you one of these days. What will you do then?”
“Find another way to get chocolate.”
She gave me a hard look.
“I’m sold out. Not sure if I’ll get any more in. The mitten business is pretty lucrative on its own.”
I leaned over the counter toward her.
“I’ve been coming here for three years, and in those three years, every time you said you’re out, you magically manage to find just enough for the right price. I’m very tired of being manipulated by adults. If you have any chocolate, get it and sell it to me for a fair price.”
She stood and left the room.
“Uh, are you okay?” Ashlyn asked.
I turned toward her, and she gave me an odd look.
“I’m fine. Why?”
“Your eyes. They’re black. I’m trying to figure out if you’re angry or hungry. You know, should I run, or should I hide?”
I smiled a little and blinked. My vision lost some of its focus.
“You don’t need to do either. I’m not that kind of hungry, and all my anger is reserved for the people waiting at home.”
Mags emerged from the back, looking more irritable than usual.
“Here’s the chocolate. Ten dollars.”
Ten dollars was far less than I’d ever paid before, but I quickly handed her the money and motioned Ashlyn to the exit.
“Don’t come back soon,” Mags said just before the door closed behind us.
“Is she always so friendly?” Ashlyn asked on the way back to the car.
“Pretty much. She usually says she looks forward to seeing me again, though. By the way, I have a lot of mittens if you ever need to borrow a pair.”
“A lot of mittens but only one coat?”
“If I asked for another one, Adira would pick it out for me.”
“And that’s bad?”
“For me, yes. You saw what I’ve been wearing to school this week. My next jacket would have probably been a see-through raincoat.”
“You should ask Mrs. Quill to take you shopping again.”
I recalled the shopping trip we’d taken with Ashlyn to cheer her up after her uncle died. It had been Ashlyn’s first trip out of Uttira—Council sanctioned, of course—and she’d loved it for the most part. So had I.
“I don’t think she would,” I said, opening my door.
“Why not?”
I buckled and started the car as she did the same.
“They’re playing games again like they did with Megan. Only now, I’m their pet project.”
“Uh-oh.”
“Yeah. So, while I could ask for another fun shopping trip, I doubt I’d like what it would cost me. Did Eugene tell you that Adira invited him to the Quills for dinner so I could feed on him?”
“What? No.”
My grip on the steering wheel tightened.
“I refused, of course.”
“Of course,” she echoed.
“And Adira said I would regret my decision. Now, the Council supposedly suspects my mom of killing trolls because she’s pregnant and hungry. In reality, I think they brought her here to punish me. The jokes on them, though. I know my mom, and she won’t put up with Adira’s manipulation games much longer.”
“So Adira brought your mom here just because you wouldn’t feed on Eugene? That seems a little extreme.”
“She brought my mom here because they think I’m starving myself. That I’m not eating enough.”
“Do you think there’s anything to their concern?” she asked.
“No. Why?”
She shrugged.
“Just say it,” I said. “You know I won’t get mad.”
“Honestly, I’m not sure how to put it into words without making it sound like I’m criticizing you.”
“I know you’re not. Try. Maybe it will help me understand what they see.”
“Well, you’re not like the other succubus at school. You’re small. Not just in size but your presence, too. The other girls can walk in and own a room. Even knowing the tricks of your kind, it’s hard not to look. With you, it’s easier.”
“Not that easy. You fell for it on Thursday.”
“True. But it was because I had my guard down. I wasn’t looking for it with you. You don’t tempt me now, and I’m not sure you could if you tried. It’s like you lack a spark.”
I considered what she was saying.
“Are you mad?” she asked.
“No. I’m trying to look at myself objectively. I think you’re right that I’m missing the spark that they have. But I think it’s by choice, not starvation. I don’t want to be like them and command a room with a look. If I’m noticed, I want it to be like this,” I said, waving a hand between us. “Something real.”
“I don’t know, Eliana. I’ve overheard the other girls talk about how often they feed, and it’s a lot. They also get insanely hangry when they skip a meal. Even the guys are like that. You heard about Eras, right? He’s going crazy because he went hungry for a night. How are you not hungry all the time like them?”
“I am hungry all the time. I just learned to control it.”
“In the human world that’s called anorexia, and it’s dangerous. I’m not saying that I’m siding with Adira or Mrs. Quill, just that you need to take a long look at yourself. You’re hungry all the time and refusing to eat. What’s that really doing to you? You’re one of the few friends I have here, and I don’t want to lose you. I’ve lost enough.”
I knew I shouldn’t, that it was dangerous, but I reached over and placed my hand on Ashlyn’s and pulled some of the sorrow from her. The non-sexual energy didn’t nourish me, but it did make me weirdly hungry for lava cake.
“I’m sorry for all that you’ve gone through and the pain you still feel. I hope it fades in time and you find some true happiness.” Even as I said the words, I knew how impossible finding happiness would be here. Either she would spend her life alone, or she would bring another human into this hell with her. And I didn’t see her as the type of person to do that.
She pulled her hand out from under mine.
“Thank you. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”
Was there any word used more falsely than the word fine?
“Still want to bake a dessert?” I asked as I parked in front of her house.
“Absolutely. The brownies we made with Megan were amazing.”
The comment made me think of Piepen and how very not amazing he was.
“How much do you know about brownies?” I asked. “The ones with wings.”
She let us into the house and waited until I closed the door before answering.
“Not much. They’re one of the few creatures I haven’t had to interact with. Mostly, they keep to themselves and stay hidden. Why?”
I thought of the glowing line on my belly and shrugged.
“Megan sent a brownie to me, and he’s more than I can deal with right now. I went to the marshes and asked if any family would take him in.”
“You saw brownies at the marshes?”
“No. I just stood there, talking to the marsh. But I know some of them heard me. There weren’t any birds around but a lot of bird song. I gave them my phone number. I mean, I know some of the wingless ones have jobs in town, right? They should be able to call me.”
“The ones that work in town don’t go back to the marsh. Too dangerous. They could give away where the young ones with wings are hiding.”
Defeat kicked me hard in the ribs. Why couldn’t anything go right for me?
Ashlyn must have seen something in my expression because her gaze turned sympathetic.
“Maybe we could try asking the new liaison for help.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll figure something out after we get our chocolate fix.”
My phone started to ring before we even had the mixing bowls out. I glanced at the number and wrinkled my nose.
“Your mom?�
�� Ashlyn asked.
“Worse. Adira.”
Ashlyn gave me a sympathetic look as I answered.
“Why aren’t you spending time with your mother?” Adira asked without greeting.
“Because she’s a hardened serial troll killer, of course.”
There was a beat of silence on the other end.
“Your new attitude is unappreciated. Did you retrieve your jacket?”
“The one you made me give away? Yes, I have it again.”
“Good. Then go home.”
“No.”
“I see.”
“No, you don’t. But I do. As soon as we hang up, you’re going to do something to try to get me to leave this house prematurely. However, it won’t work. Do you know why? Because I’ve already put up with as much as I can deal with today. Do what you need to do, but remember that Ashlyn’s under Megan’s protection before you start handing out ultimatums in an attempt to get your way in whatever game you’re playing.”
I hung up the phone before she could answer.
“What do you think Adira’s going to do?” Ashlyn asked, measuring out some flour. I started in on my recipe, too.
“It’s hard to tell with her. She never does anything that would be obvious, you know? I don’t think you have anything to worry about, though.”
“I know. I’m more worried about what she’ll do to you.”
“My mom’s already mad at Adira. I don’t think Adira will rush to do anything to make her angrier. She’s not stupid.”
My phone started ringing before I managed to crack my eggs. Thinking it was Adira, I didn’t rush to answer it. When I saw it was Mom’s number, I frowned and said a wary hello.
“Hey, baby. I wanted to apologize again for this morning. I know I messed up, and I promise I won’t surprise you with any meal options in the future.”
“Thank you.”
“Did you get your jacket?”
“Yes. Thank you for talking to Adira and getting my clothes back, too. I should have thanked you right away.”
“Nonsense. You were upset. I understand. Do you think you’ll be home soon?”
I looked at all the ingredients we had spread over the table.
“Probably not. Why?”
“I want to talk to you about something, and I’d prefer to do it soon.”
