I wrenched myself away, sick at the hate roiling inside me. I couldn’t do it. I’d never wanted to kill before, but then I hadn’t had the choice. Now I did.
Besides, it was a small mercy. With the state that Oedija was in, another might easily kill him if they passed by. Or perhaps he’d never wake from the slumber I’d thrust upon him.
Before I could convince myself otherwise, I limped away and left the man to his fate.
I didn’t collapse until I reached the bridge.
Amidst the other hurts holding me in a half-conscious daze, the pain of my knees hitting the stone was barely noticeable. I’d only made it halfway across. Perhaps I was within a quarter-turn walk of the Aviary, but it felt like miles away. Terror and Clepsammia’s gift of strength had driven me past the Laurel Palace’s gate, but since I’d enter the Wreath grounds, I’d been losing the battle to exhaustion. My fight with the Guilders and the daemon had left me nauseous and weak. The ringing in my ears had faded to a whine and my vision blurred around the edges. My ribs hurt with each breath. If the Guilders hadn’t broken them, I guessed they were sorely bruised. My hair was matted with dried blood, and my head ached. That was the last time someone would yank me by my hair, I promised myself, though there was little fire in it. A deeper exhaustion assaulted me. Channeling quintessence had a cost, Eltris had said. Now I paid it.
I clutched the stone railing to remain upright and stared through the balusters over the gently lit sea. The cloud moon glowed with violet light just below the clouds, while the two white orbs were lost somewhere above. Flashes of green showed the radiant winds struggling to break free of the overcast sky. It would have been beautiful if I wasn’t drowning in pain.
The turning of my stomach suddenly became too much. I pulled myself above the railing and heaved out the little left in my stomach. My ribs were on fire with each retch. When it passed, I was nearly too tired to wipe at my mouth. I wanted to lie down where I was and fall into a deep sleep.
Only by berating myself did I stay upright. Stupid woman. Stupid, stupid woman. Why had I remained out so late? I’d known the dangers and ignored them. I’d grown careless, and it had nearly cost me my life. Sobs suddenly rose and choked me, the truth of how close a call it had been finally settling in. It wasn’t the first time, but never had I been so alone. Before, others had intervened before I came to any real harm. Xaron, Nomusa, Corin, Talan — my friends had always been there to save me when I needed it most. But this time, I’d been on my own. And now it was up to me to get myself home.
I forced myself back to my feet. Just one more step, I bargained with my weary body. One more, then you can rest. Slowly, painfully, the distance to Aviary closed. When the moldy, lopsided building loomed from the darkness, tears of relief trickled down my face. Warmth and comfort were close. I was almost safe.
Reaching the door, I limped inside and looked around. A lone pyr lamp illuminated the room. Taking it, I staggered down the hallway, dragged myself up the finch tower steps, and approached my room at the end. I wanted nothing more than to lie on my bed and lose myself in a long, deep sleep.
But as I cracked open my door, I saw a figure hunched on my bed and froze. It was too late. The person within, noticing the squeak of the door, stood swiftly and walked over to it. I made a pathetic attempt at yanking out my knife before the man’s face came into the light.
“Talan,” I murmured. My knees gave way to my sudden relief.
“Airene? Airene, are you alright?”
Talan hurried forward, wrapping an arm around my waist. I cried out as he squeezed my injured side and weakly pulled at his arm. “Ribs,” I gasped.
He cringed, then shifted his grip under my arms. Taking the lamp from me, he helped me inside. Once I’d settled onto the bed and lay down, he thrust the light next to my head, examining my wounds. I winced as he trailed the light down me, taking in every detail. Part of me was mortified for him to see me in this condition. A greater part would rather have no one else looking out for me.
When he finished, he set the lamp down and shut the door, then strode over and glanced out the window. At length, he returned and crouched beside my bed. “Who did this?” he asked, voice stripped of emotion.
I hesitated. I recognized that tone. Men had died the last time Talan had spoken like that. But I couldn’t lie to him. The word came out in a whisper. “Guilders.”
He suddenly looked away, his fists clenching so tightly his knuckles popped. Before I knew what I was doing, I shrank away from him. It was all I could do to sit there, dazed, as he faced whatever boiled inside him.
It took him a long time to turn back to me. A haunted look lingered in his eyes. “How can you ever forgive me?” he asked in a low, choked voice.
“Forgive you?” A laugh forced its way out from my raw throat. “It’s not your fault.”
He bowed his head. “It is, Airene. It is.”
We sat in silence for a long time before he spoke again. “I’ve been waiting since it started to get dark. Ever since you visited the cave, something nagged at me. I didn’t think of it at the time, considering everything else happening. But finally, I realized the danger you might be in. I came as soon as it was safe and waited. And when you didn’t return, I began to worry.”
“My fault,” I mumbled. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gone. I exposed you.”
He just shook his head. “If you hadn’t come to me, I would have gone to you. I couldn’t stay away much longer.”
The world suddenly lurched. Talan cursed under his breath as he steadied me, then gripped my hand. “How can I make you comfortable?”
My throat was dry, and my stomach settled enough to feel ravenous. But the thought of sending him away terrified me. I imagined Guilders climbing in the window to finish what their fellows had started. I imagined invisible fingers clawing at my mind.
I clung to his hand. “Stay.”
He took my hands and kissed them, heedless of the grime that covered them. “Always.”
When I awoke the next morning, Talan was gone.
Cool, gray daylight pressed in around me. I stared up at the ceiling, absently tracing the shapes of the lichen. Countless times I’d awoken throughout the night and only fallen back into an uneasy slumber once I’d seen Talan standing or sitting at the window, staring out into the darkness. Once, he hadn’t been there, and I’d sat up despite my ribs, panic making it impossible to breathe. But he’d returned moments later, reassuring me he’d just been to the outhouse, he was only gone for a moment. Still, sleep took longer in coming.
But now that it was light, the mysterious man had once again disappeared, like a pyr that only haunted the night. As I stared up at the ceiling, I wondered if I’d imagined the whole thing. I’d heard of people hitting their head and seeing things. If I hadn’t imagined him, it was an odd coincidence that he’d been waiting for me, even with his explanations.
But when I glanced at the door, I saw a small scroll tied to the handle. My ribs spread fire through my body and a moan escaped me as I sat up, but I resolutely rose to my feet and tottered to the door. Clumsy fingers, abused during the fight, fumbled to untie the string, then unrolled it and stared at it. The letters swam, and I had to squint to read the text.
I didn’t want to leave you. But you won’t be safe so long as Kalindi lives. I’ll do what I must to protect you.
We shared far too little time. I should have moved sooner. But always, I have treasured what time we had.
Care for yourself, my Finch.
The parchment trembled in my hand as I stared at it, torn between tearing it to shreds and carefully tucking it away for safekeeping. It was unsigned, but I knew which idiotic man had written it. I’ll do what I must to protect you. The damned fool thought he could kill Kalindi. Never mind that the new Undermaster of Oedija had all of the Underguild’s resources at his disposal. Hundreds were in his employ, many of them hardened killers. Even a warden like Talan couldn’t overcome those odds.
&nbs
p; I returned to the bed and gingerly lowered myself back onto it. Talan had to be stopped before he got himself killed. But who could find him in time? The only person I knew with that significant of reach was Wisp. But how might I reach her quickly?
The answer came a moment later. Kelena — she might have a way. I had to find our honorary Finch. Then, I promised myself, when Talan was safe, I could rest.
With a groan, I pushed myself from the bed once more and fetched my sandals. I still wore the dirty clothes from the day before, but I felt soiled by more than that. Stripping them away, I cleaned off what I could in my washing basin and put on a fresh tunic and trousers. Every movement sent pain cascading through my limbs. My ribs weren’t the only thing to hurt — the burn on my shoulder had been rubbed bloody from the scuffle, and several of my toes were red and swollen from kicking the Guilders. My jaw ached and my head throbbed, particularly where they’d hit my skull against the ground. I was lucky to be alive, much less walking. Yet I couldn’t help the frustration that it would all slow me down.
As I limped out of my room, though, pride slowly welled up in my chest. I’d survived. I’d survived four Guilders, and a daemon as well. A small smile crept onto my face. Perhaps I wasn’t such a terrible warden after all. I didn’t care how god-struck that pleasure might make me seem.
But the smile faded as I remembered the helplessness, the pain. The man wrenching down my trousers and placing himself before me. I staggered and caught against the wall, overcome for a moment. I’d never felt so unclean. Even if I had time to visit the baths, even the secluded Conclave baths, I doubted I could undress. I wondered if I would ever feel comfortable naked again.
But Talan needed to be saved from his own damned foolishness, and I was the only one who knew it. I heaved a sigh and descended the stairs of the finch tower.
It didn’t take me long to reason out that Kelena would be in the Conclave. With the eleventh Low Consul to be elected tomorrow. I knew she’d be there. Ignoring the stares of the guards, I limped into the vast Conclave chamber and scanned the people scattered across it. It was far busier than I’d seen it since the trial, with nearly half of the Servants in attendance. The hushed conversations hummed with tension, like a hive of hornets stirring. I ignored it; at the moment, the election wasn’t my concern.
I spotted Nomusa at the edge of a knot of Low Consuls. The three Equalists, I realized as I studied them. Feiyan’s honor Kako stood at his mistress’ shoulder in bright yellow robes. Even at this distance, he seemed to be smirking. Feiyan herself looked to be in intense conversation with my fellow First Verifier. I saw many other honors in the Conclave, but of Kelena, there was no sign. I rubbed at my eyes as my vision started to swim again.
“First Verifier.”
I startled before I could catch myself, then turned to the voice at my shoulder. Kelena stood in a plain white robe, her face impassive.
“Kelena,” I greeted her with relief. “I was just looking for you. I expected you to be with Nomusa.”
“I cannot be. I’ve been deemed offensive to my former master’s eyes, and a risk to our task.” She didn’t bother hiding her bitterness.
I needed to turn that around. I wracked my aching head for a way, but nothing would come to me.
Then Kelena seemed to notice my appearance. “Have you been attacked?” she asked, brow creasing as she looked me up and down.
I grimaced. “Is it that obvious?”
“There is blood in your hair. Are you well, First Verifier? I can send for a healer.”
I tried not to think what it said about my state of mind that I’d missed blood crusted in my hair. “Never mind that. I need you to find someone. He’ll get himself killed if I don’t stop him.”
Kelena stared at me without answering. I had the uncomfortable feeling she was trying to decide if I was delirious or not. She glanced aside and made a small motion with her hand. I followed her gaze and saw an honor approaching.
Before I could say anything, Kelena asked, “Who?”
“Talan Wraithsbane.” I winced at saying his epithet, but it was my best hope for identifying him. “Formerly a Guilder.”
She nodded, her expression blank. “And if I find him, what message am I to convey?”
“Just tell me where he is. I’ll deliver any message in person.”
The honor stood by Kelena, and she leaned over to whisper in his ear. When she leaned away, he nodded and departed, making for the main doors. I watched his progress. “Is it that simple?” I asked in amazement. “You have but to whisper to an honor here, and word will spread?”
“No. He has gone for a healer. First Verifier, I will look into your missing Guilder myself, but you must rest with someone watching over you. Who can I call to look after you?”
It took me a moment to understand. “Rest? I don’t need rest. We need to go after Talan.”
“You’re hurt, First Verifier. You need to wash those wounds before they corrupt, and you need to rest. I won’t hunt down Talan Wraithsbane until you return to your bed.”
It was mutinous behavior, and I opened my mouth to lambast her for it, but stopped myself just in time. I swayed on my feet. Mud and who knew what else still crusted up my legs. My stomach turned uncomfortably, and my head pounded so that it was hard to think. I would have ground my teeth if my jaw didn’t hurt too.
“Fine,” I relented. “Maybe I need rest.”
She nodded, a crease wrinkling in her brow. “Good. I will send someone to escort you to the baths first—”
“No. No baths.”
Kelena looked exasperated. “You must clean yourself, First Verifier.”
I looked down, unable to find the words to explain. “Please. No baths.”
Her voice was gentle when she spoke. “Let me walk with you. But who should I send for to stay with you while you rest? I will need to go after your former Guilder.”
I turned my mind back into gear. Nomusa was too busy right now. Talan was obviously not an option. “Xaron. The Wreaths’ Hilarion, if you didn’t know.”
She nodded. “Very well. He’ll be sent for. Now come, walk with me.”
After she pulled aside another honor with whispered instructions, we followed her out the door. I suspected Kelena still meant to bring me to the baths, and I wasn’t sure what I would do when we arrived. I knew I should clean myself. But to expose myself again seemed beyond endurable.
We were quiet until we’d left the guards behind and walked along the promenade. Only the wind and call of seabirds sounded around us.
Kelena didn’t look at me as she spoke. “Honors are considered property by some of their masters, and we are used as property. Our labor doesn’t belong to us, nor the fruits of it. And some masters even take away the rights of our own bodies.”
My stomach turned. I risked a glance at her, and saw her expression had grown stony. “Did Iason…?” I hesitated, unable to ask the question.
“Rape me? No. His sons did.”
Dizziness passed over me again. She said it matter-of-factly, as if it were an ordinary occurrence. For her, I supposed it was. I suddenly felt like I’d been false. I hadn’t been raped. Even now, could I imagine what that was like?
“I’m sorry,” I said lamely.
“I don’t mention it for pity, First Verifier. I tell you to say that I have felt what you feel, many times before. And in the end, you must take the bath.”
“They didn’t rape me. They didn’t get that far.”
From her expression, I wasn’t sure she believed me. “All the more reason to bathe and be rid of their filth. Will you wash it away, First Verifier?”
I almost felt silly. It didn’t lessen the discomfort, but it was more bearable. “Yes. I’ll wash it away.”
Kelena smiled a smile that didn’t touch her eyes, then led me into the baths.
19
Election
I am not an evil man, nor a vengeful one. I am a man trying to forge the world anew. I am the man who does wha
t is necessary for all to survive.
- Tales of the Desolate, uncensored; 1092 SLP
Kelena saw me through my bath, then escorted me back to the Aviary. Guilt wracked me for keeping her from hunting down Talan, but I couldn’t form the words to send her away. It was bad enough to sit on a bench and let her fellow honors rub olive oil into my skin and wash my wounds. I couldn’t send away the one person who brought me some comfort in that moment.
Xaron waited at the Aviary’s door. Upon seeing us, he ran over and immediately began to fret over me. “The healer’s inside. Airene, what happened? Who did this? When?”
I answered his flurry of questions as best I could, though my tongue and mind were growing sluggish. The pain, kept at bay by urgency and awkwardness, swept back in. I took shallow breaths and told him everything — all except how near I’d come to being violated. He was enraged enough as it was, and I had no wish to recount it.
Kelena left us at the door, and after I’d thanked her as sincerely as I could, she set off toward the Conclave gates. Xaron helped me to my bed, where the healer met us and began her examination of my wounds. I was grateful it was a woman inspecting me. A stranger touching my bare skin was bad enough; I doubted I could stand it if the healer had been male. The healer made me breathe in deeply with my tunic raised while she watched. Running her hands over my wounds, she determined my ribs weren’t broken, but only bruised.
“There will be pain, but you must not breathe shallowly,” she told me. “That will only foul your humors further.”
My head seemed as fine as it could be considering the circumstances, though the healer warned me I might feel strange for four spans still. For the pain, she provided a poppy tincture and instructed me to drink it that very moment. At first, I refused. Part of me wished to keep my wits about me. Another part feared Guilders coming to seek revenge. But at her and Xaron’s insistence, and as my pain continued to wear on me, I relented. The healer left Xaron and me then, promising to check back later that day.
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