The question was why.
He suspected he knew.
“W-Was I really so difficult to communicate with?” he muttered aloud. “W-Why would he write all of these and never give them to me? Was he so afraid of my reaction?”
Because he sat down, Gaira sat down. “I dunna have the answers ye seek, m’laird, but I’ll tell ye what I think,” she said. “Yer brother was a proud man. As his younger brother, ye’re supposed tae look up tae the man and believe him perfect. Isna that what younger brothers do for the older ones?”
James leaned back against the wall of the stall, his attention returning to the lovely woman with the big, brown eyes. “A-Aye,” he said. “B-But I always looked up to him.”
“He knew,” Gaira said honestly. “And I think that perhaps he thought it would show weakness tae give ye the letters he’d written. Ye’d see that he was a man of flesh and bone and feeling, not the perfect earl who was anything but perfect.”
James’ brow furrowed. “S-So you’re saying that he was embarrassed to give them to me?”
Gaira shook her head. “Not embarrassed,” she said. “But a man has his pride. I think pride kept him from showing ye that he was just as sensitive as ye are. Now that he’s gone… he knew that the letters would make their way back tae ye and that ye would read him. There’s a letter he wrote tae ye the night before the battle at Culloden, in fact. If ye dunna read the others, just read that one. Yer brother took the time tae write it, so it’s important that ye do.”
James stared at her a moment and Gaira could see the thoughts churning behind those brilliant eyes. With a faint sigh, he looked to the stack of letters in his hand.
“H-Here?” he said. “I-In this group?”
Gaira nodded. “’Tis right on the top,” she said. “I organized them by date, so the last one is on the top.”
James looked at it. He wasn’t certain that he was strong enough to read it, but something inside him was pining for it. The last words from his brother, perhaps a hint of approval or a glimmer of hope for those he left behind.
This was what he’d come for, after all.
Something of his brother.
He untied the twine and retrieved the letter on the top.
The paper was yellowed, the seal broken. It was dog-eared on one side as he opened it up to see the familiar handwriting. It was like a dagger to his heart simply to see Johnathan’s carefully-scripted letters, but he fought the grief it provoked.
He continued.
My dearest James –
If you are reading this, I’m assuming that I did not survive the battle. I’m further assuming that some kind Scots family has sent you my possessions, such as they are, and that you realize you are now the Earl of Worcester. Although I am no expert on the post, as I suspect I did not do our family justice, I have no doubt that you will be a much finer earl than I ever was. How do I know this?
Because I know you.
When Mother was pregnant with you, I was a tiny lad, but I knew enough to know that I wanted a brother. I remember praying aloud for a brother and the priest would slap me on the head in the midst of my prayers because of it. That old bastard, Father Bernardo. I know you remember him. I think he slapped you a time or two, also.
And then you were born and I had a brother. Mother would leave you in your bed to cry at night and I would climb in with you to comfort you. I know you do not remember that, but I did. I would lay beside you and tell you what great things we would do together, the both of us. I was convinced we would ride side by side into battle in the morning, vanquish the enemy, and be in the tavern drinking wine by evening. I was convinced we would be inseparable.
I think, in a way, we are.
In my possessions, you’ll find a stack of letters that you wrote to me. Every single letter you ever wrote to me. I have always kept them with me, even on a battle match. There was one in particular that I kept in a pocket next to my heart because it meant a great deal to me. When I came to Culloden without you, the letters came with me. Whether or not you knew it, you were by my side with every step because I knew that no matter what happened, you would be there for me in spirit if not in presence. Those letters are you, even more than if you were with me in the flesh. In them, you have entrusted me with your fears and hopes and insecurities. I take that trust very seriously.
James, I know I have not been the easiest man to know. I can be aloof. I can be quick to temper. I was always jealous of you and the freedom you had, unencumbered with the de Lohr expectations as I was. You were young and brilliant and your laughter… James, I can still hear it. Your laughter is so easy. I don’t know how you do it and I always envied it so. But you are also annoying and insufferable at times and sometimes I want to kick you squarely in the fart hole.
Still, you are my brother and I love you.
I know I never told you that, but I do. I always have. Tomorrow, we are facing six thousand rabid Scots and their allies and although we are better armed and better prepared, there is still a chance I will not make it out of this alive. If I do not, I want you to know that it has been a privilege being your brother. I could not have asked for a greater honor. You will be standing beside me tomorrow as I fight the enemy and if I should fall, know that you will be among my final thoughts.
James, I have always adored you and reproach myself most stringently for never telling you so. But I know that my death will be quite devastating to you and as the reverend prayed for the regiment tonight, I prayed that God would send a guardian angel to watch over you after I am gone. I suppose that I was your guardian angel while on earth, but after I am gone, I pray another will take my place.
Do not grieve overly for me. Do not let Mother grieve overly. Take care of her and of yourself, and I wish you joy and happiness all your life. You are my brother, James, and most worthy of the de Lohr name. I have no final wish or instructions except for one – there are many brave men who will fight tomorrow and I consider it an honor to serve with them. Bring my body home, if it is possible, but leave something of me with my men in the place we have fallen. Not everyone will have the opportunity to return home, so leave something of me behind to watch over them.
Your mercy is appreciated.
Your loving brother,
John
Tears were running down James’ face as he finished. Still holding the letter, he put a hand over his face, giving himself the luxury of indulging in his grief if only for a brief moment. He pictured his brother, writing the letter by candlelight on the eve of a great battle. There was no fear conveyed in the letter, no cowardice or remorse. Simply a man wanting to ensure his affairs were in order and that his brother, the most important person in his life, understood what was in his heart.
He had been right.
James was devastated.
“I’m sorry if this has reopened a wound that was trying tae heal,” Gaira whispered, breaking into his thoughts. “But I saw the letter and I knew that ye should, too.”
James wiped at his face quickly, struggling to compose himself. “Y-You were correct,” he said. “I-I am glad I saw it. I only wish… well, my brother and I were not the type to speak affectionately to each other. We could laugh together, drink together, and argue quite well, but when it came to speaking of our feelings… it simply wasn’t done. T-That is why this letter means so much to me.”
Gaira smiled timidly. “I am glad.”
There was so much more she wanted to say to him, so much that wouldn’t come. Now simply didn’t seem like the right time. Before her was the man she’d fallen in love with through his letters but, at the moment, this was not about her or her feelings. This was about James and the loss of a brother.
She didn’t feel right saying anything more.
She had done what she’d come to do.
“I… I suppose ye’ll be leaving now,” she said. “I’ve heard they buried English officers in Inverness, so perhaps that’s where yer brother is. I do wish ye well, m’laird.”
/>
She started to stand up, but James stopped her. “W-Wait,” he said. “P-Please… wait. I am coming to think that without you, none of this would have been possible.”
Gaira paused, realizing that she was close to tears at the thought of leaving those letters behind.
Leaving James behind.
“I’m sure someone would have found them and sent them tae ye,” she said. “The Highlands are full of good people, in spite of what the English think.”
James was looking at her closely, as if seeing her through new eyes. “P-Perhaps someone would have,” he said. “B-But it’s equally possible they would have ended up in a hearth somewhere, burned to ashes, and I would have never known what you have been able to give me. It is the greatest kindness anyone has ever bestowed upon me.”
Gaira was trying hard not to weep so she lowered her gaze. “Ye’re welcome,” she said tightly. “As I said, I came tae know ye and yer brother very well. Ye deserve tae have peace between ye.”
“I-It is most thoughtful of you to say so,” he said, eyeing her. “B-But why do you seem so troubled now?”
Gaira couldn’t help it; she broke down in tears. “It’s foolish and it shouldna matter,” she said. “I’m only a serving wench at a place called Balthazar’s where patrons piss on the floor and try tae pinch my backside. I’m no one.”
James could see that she was upset and his focus shifted from his own grief to the woman’s obvious distress. “Y-You are wrong,” he said quietly. “Y-You are the woman who brought my brother back to me. That makes you very special.”
Her head snapped up and she looked at him, wishing with all her heart that his statement was true in a romantic sense. That wish removed any sense of restraint as she spoke. She figured that she’d never see the man again, so whatever she said was of little matter.
But she had to say it.
“I’ve lived my entire life in this dingy little village, with no excitement, no prospects, and no hope,” she said. “But my family wasna always impoverished. My grandfather was the Earl of Forth, a great advisor tae King James until he fell out of favor by taking one of the king’s mistresses as his own. My family was stripped of everything and we came here tae live, far away from king and court. My grandfather and father were learned men, so they eked out a life here, but when they died, it was only me and my mother and we do what we can tae survive.”
James was listening intently. “T-Then you’re the heiress to the Earldom of Forth?”
Tears were falling faster than she could wipe them away. “If it still belonged tae my family, aye,” she said. “I just thought ye should know that, once, our family fortunes were much as yer family’s. We were powerful and wealthy. The earldom had been in our family for centuries and it was taken away in the blink of an eye. I was educated by my grandfather, so I’m not like the other women in this village. I’m different. ’Tis a difficult existence here, much like yer own existence with yer brother. It is… complicated. ’Tis clear by yer letters that ye never felt as if ye fit in, or were worthy, and that’s something I can relate tae. I… I suppose in a sense, that’s why I felt drawn tae ye both through those letters. But I was drawn tae ye most of all.”
His expression softened. “W-Why me?”
She shrugged, unable to look at him. “Because ye’re tender,” she said. “The things ye wrote tae yer brother speak of a tender heart, a dreaming heart, and of a man who wants tae do right in life. So many men are hardened and cruel, but ye… ye have a soul. Ye’ve had challenges, but ye’ve not let them define ye. Do ye want tae know the truth? Yer letters took me out of my hellish existence and, for a moment, I could be by the side of a man who tried tae live the life he was born tae live. I dunna know if that makes sense, but it’s the truth. I fell in love with ye and I dunna even know ye, but now that I’ve met ye, I feel as if I’ve known ye all my life. I wasna going tae give those letters back because they were so important tae me, but I see now that they’re even more important tae ye. I’m sorry I kept them as long as I did and I pray ye can forgive me.”
She was looking down at the straw as she finished, preparing for the response sure to come. He would probably thank her for her candor and leave just as fast as he could. Only a madwoman would declare her love for a man she’d only come to know through letters.
But something strange happened.
Suddenly, he was sitting next to her and his fingers were under her chin, lifting her face to his. Gaira found herself looking into eyes the color of the sky, the slightly-bearded face creased into a smile. For a moment, he simply looked at her before kissing her gently on the cheek.
“L-Lady Gaira,” he addressed her formally, as would have been her right as an heiress. “T-The fact that the letters between my brother and me mean so much to you tells me that you are a woman of great depth and understanding. You knew what I needed when I did not even know. I feel that it would only be right to allow me to come to know you as you have come to know me. My brother said that he prayed for a guardian angel to watch over me. Do you think he meant you?”
She flushed a dull red, her heart thumping so forcefully against her chest that she could hardly breath. “Probably not,” she said, fighting off a grin. “I’ve never been called an angel before. A devil, perhaps, but not an angel.”
He smiled because she was. “I-I will call you an angel,” he said softly. “Y-You have become mine by reuniting me with my brother’s belongings.”
“But… but I should have done it sooner.”
“I-If you had simply sent them to me, I would not have had the honor of meeting you.”
There was that sweet man, the one she’d come to know in the letters. As she had told him, he had a tender side.
“Then perhaps everything happens for a reason,” she said. “Perhaps the reason was so we could speak.”
“I-I believe so,” he said. “A-And I believe something else.”
“What?”
“T-That you should come to Inverness with me,” he said. “A-After all, it seems to me that you have almost as much invested in this situation as I do. You read Johnny’s letters and you know the man, as you’ve said. Would you like to see this through? I am going to find the man in those letters you so carefully kept.”
Gaira was nodding her head before he even finished. “I would,” she said, incredulous that he should even ask. “Oh, I would!”
James took his hand off her chin, his eyes glimmering with mirth. “I-I am assuming that your mother would not be too keen on you accompanying me to Inverness, unchaperoned,” he said. “I-I would, of course, give you my word that I will behave respectfully and politely, but I would hazard to guess that your mother might not believe the word of a Sassenach.”
He said it with the perfect Gaelic inflection and Gaira grinned. “I’m a wicked lass for saying this, but she doesna have tae know.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Y-You would lie to her?”
She shrugged. “Sometimes, I sleep at the tavern, in Carrie’s chamber,” she said. “Especially when it’s cold and we have an early morning the next day. My home is across the road, so ’tis not far, but sometimes it’s easier – and warmer – tae sleep in Carrie’s chamber. There have been times when I’ve not been home for a week.”
“A-And your mother does not miss you?”
The warm inflection on her face faded. “My mother and I dunna have a close relationship,” she said. “She goes about her business and I go about mine, although she does clean at the tavern once in a while. I’ll simply tell her she’s not needed and tell Balthazar she canna come, so she willna know I’m not there.”
She sounded confident, but James was still dubious. “I-It is at least two days to Inverness and two days back,” he said. “And the weather is snowy. Are you certain you can do this?”
The warmth was back as she looked at him. “’Tis for Laird Johnathan, after all,” she said quietly. “I wouldna miss this for the world.”
Within the hour, James a
nd Gaira were heading north, along the road to Culloden.
Part Six
INVERNESS
The Old High Church
James looked at the man in shock.
“Y-You?” he said. “I-I was wondering what happened to you, but now I find you here? In Inverness?”
Rafe had been standing at the entry to the Old High Church that had stood for centuries. The brown stones and high tower faced out over the River Ness, guarding the city both literally and figuratively. It was the spiritual center of the town, but it also served as a prison. Some dark things had happened within the walls of the old building.
Rafe stepped forward, greeting James amiably.
“I knew you would be coming here,” he said. “The English dead were buried here, so it was a natural assumption. I came ahead of you. I thought I would help you look for your brother.”
James had been on the road for almost three days. The snows hadn’t returned, but the roads themselves had been in bad shape. More than that, he’d taken it slowly for Gaira’s sake. Standing behind James, she was bundled up in one of his coats against the icy weather.
Hearing Rafe’s explanation, James’ surprise turned to confusion.
“Y-You thought to…?” he repeated. “B-But why should you do that? Although I appreciate your initiative, my brother’s fate is not your concern. Surely you have better things you could be doing.”
Rafe shook his head, motioning him and Gaira into the church, which wasn’t much warmer than it was outside, but at least it was out of the elements.
“I told you that I am a healer,” he said. “This is where I am meant to be at the moment. I came ahead and made some inquiries about Johnathan de Lohr and I believe I found someone who can help you.”
James’ features registered shock. “Y-You did?” he said. “H-Here?”
Rafe nodded. “As I said, the English were brought here after the battle,” he said. “Wounded, prisoners, and dead. All of them were brought here. The battlefield is quite close, in fact. You passed it on your way into town.”
A Very Highland Holiday Page 5
