by Kasie West
I looked up distractedly from my notebook. I’d been trying to drown my sorrows in songwriting but it wasn’t happening. I was still too distraught by what had gone down with Sasha after detention.
“Um … okay,” I said to Mom, closing my notebook and pushing my hair out of my eyes.
“I need you to deliver that for me.” Mom nodded to the box.
“What is it?”
“A piece of jewelry.”
“Okay. Do you have an address?” I got to my feet. Mom had asked me to drop off some pieces to clients before. “And are they paying when I deliver or have they already paid?”
“No payment. This is an apology gift.”
“I don’t understand.”
“From you.”
“From me? Why?”
Mom put her hands on her hips. “Because we had a guest over the other day that you treated very poorly. We didn’t talk about it that day because it was Thanksgiving. But now we are talking about it. That boy had been nothing but kind and you made him feel unwelcome.”
I was too horrified to speak but finally I found my voice.
“I know. I’m sorry.” I really did know and I really was sorry, but I also really didn’t want to deliver this box and I was hoping with all the hope in me that if Mom saw that I was sincere in my regret she wouldn’t make me. Because although our guest hadn’t deserved my treatment of him that day, he deserved it a thousand times over for every other day.
And his awful girlfriend deserved worse.
“Good. Then this shouldn’t be very hard.” Mom patted the lid of the box and walked away.
“Mom! Wait!”
She stopped.
“Can’t Wyatt just give it to him on Thursday at baseball practice? I don’t need to take it now and tie up your car.” Mom’s car was run-down, messy, and very mom-like. Even though it represented the story of my life pretty well, I tried to avoid driving it at all costs, especially in super nice neighborhoods to the house of a guy who didn’t need more reasons to make fun of me. “Or I could give it to him at school.” Or I could never, ever give it to him.
“I’d like you to take it now, Lily.” She nodded toward the box. “Go on. And actually use the words I’m sorry while you’re there, too.”
That would be impossible.
It had been years since I’d been to Cade Jennings’s house and I’d hoped I would never have to step foot in it again. But here I was, standing in front of his large double doors.
As I rang the doorbell, I prayed that he wouldn’t be home. Or maybe that some butler would answer instead. Then I could throw the box and run.
But luck wasn’t my friend these days. Between the whole guitar thing and the detention thing and the Sasha thing, I shouldn’t have expected this to actually go my way.
Cade answered. All six foot, slightly damp hair, sparkling smile of him. “Hey,” he said, like it was perfectly normal for me to be standing on his doorstep.
“Hi,” I muttered, my eyes down.
“Come in.”
Had my mom warned him I was coming?
I stepped into his huge entryway, thinking my memory had exaggerated it, but if anything it was bigger than I remembered. And whiter—marble floors, large white floor vases, a huge abstract painting with nothing but white lines.
I held out the box to him. “This is from my mom.”
“What for?” He opened the box and pulled out the bracelet she had been assembling on his wrist during Thanksgiving. “Ah! The man bracelet. I thought you said I was just her model.”
“Well, you were until I was rude to you,” I said. “This is a ‘my daughter was rude to you’ gift.”
“If that’s the case, she owes me about five hundred more.” There was a smile in Cade’s voice.
“Funny. Anyway, you don’t have to wear it.” It didn’t have feathers so at least there was that. “You can give it to your mom or something.”
He gave a mock gasp. “This is a man bracelet, Lily. My mom is not a man. I will wear this. And when I wear it, it will remind me that you apologized for being mean to me.”
“I did not apologize.”
“Oh.” He raised one eyebrow. “So your mom is apologizing for you being mean to me?”
I gave a short laugh. “Yes.”
“But not you?”
“Fine. Me too. I’ll see you later.”
“Wait.”
I had been backing up and I stopped.
“You have to show me how to use it.”
“Use it?”
“How to put it on.” Cade turned and walked away. I assumed that meant I was supposed to follow him. I thought about not following him but then I’d owe him another bracelet for sure.
I met up with him in his massive kitchen. The box and bracelet were now sitting on the island and he was on the other side assembling a sandwich. I had obviously interrupted him in the middle of snack time. I kept the island between us and stopped next to the box.
Cade placed the top slice of bread on his sandwich and took a bite. “You want anything?” he asked through his mouthful.
“No. I’m good.” I picked up his bracelet. “So anyway, it’s just a basic clasp. You open it here and attach it to the ring.”
“Wait a sec. Just let me finish eating so you can show me on my wrist.”
I was not going to get annoyed because it was obvious that’s what he was trying to do—annoy me. I put the bracelet back in the box, leaned against the counter, and waited. Over his right shoulder was a large set of French doors that I could see the pool through.
I thought back to his fourteenth birthday party. After we’d eaten the catered food, everyone had gone out to the pool. A lot of the guys swam and the girls sat on the side like if the water touched us, we’d melt. I’d worn my swimsuit but wasn’t going to get in if Isabel didn’t. Especially because my swimsuit was a hand-me-down from my sister and was a little too big on me. At one point as I talked with Isabel, I’d slipped my hand into the pocket of my shorts and felt a piece of paper there. When I pulled it out it was a five-dollar bill. It had been a long time since I’d worn the shorts and I was so surprised to see it that I’d let out a happy yelp and said, “Best day ever!” Cade, who must’ve been walking over to see Isabel when this happened said, “That’s all it takes to make you happy? Maybe if I handed you a five every morning, you’d be more pleasant.”
The barstool next to me scraped along the floor and I jumped, pulled out of my memory. Cade sat sideways on that barstool, like he’d been there all day. How long had I been staring out the window? His arm was wrist-up on the counter and he held the bracelet out for me.
I sighed and took the bracelet, wrapping it around his wrist. “It’s not hard, it’s just a basic clasp. You open it by pulling back this little lever and the circle end fits inside and you let go. The end.”
“You did that with two hands. How am I supposed to do that with one hand?”
“I don’t know. Use the counter to hold it steady.” I passed the bracelet back to him and watched for several minutes as he attempted many different ways to clasp a bracelet one-handed. I bit my lip to keep from laughing.
“You think this is funny? Can you do it one-handed?”
“Yes.”
“Prove it.”
I draped the bracelet over my wrist, then attached the end.
“Okay. That looked easy. But this is your business, so you’re trained and stuff.”
I laughed. “This is not my business.”
“It’s the family business.”
“You make us sound like mobsters or something.”
He was back to trying to attach the ends on his wrist. He grunted in frustration after several more minutes.
“Give me your arm.” I stepped closer to him and after one second realized I had stepped between his knees that were wide on the barstool. It would seem awkward to step back now, like he affected me in some way, so I didn’t. Because he didn’t. But his musky scent sure was doing a
number on my breathing.
I took the bracelet, one end in each hand and tried to attach it around his wrist. Only now my hands seemed shaky.
“You smell good,” he said softly.
I closed my eyes for a moment, my breath catching. “Just hold still.”
“I’m not the one moving.”
“Stop it.”
“What am I doing?”
“You’re making this hard for me.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
Why did he smell so amazing? That was the question I was going to ask when he was done with his.
“Yes.”
“Why do we fight so much?”
My mouth opened and shut in surprise. “We don’t. I mean … I just … our history isn’t so great.”
“I never understood why.”
“You gave me an awful nickname in the middle of a class I was already humiliated in.”
“I thought I was helping. You were getting pummeled by basketballs. I thought if I made a joke about it, it would help people laugh with you instead of at you.”
“It didn’t work.”
“I guess I can see that. So that’s it? I made up a nickname and got an enemy for life?”
“You do it to everyone,” I replied, looking right at him. “Humiliate them in the name of charity. Then you say rude comments and I’m never sure if you’re doing it because you are trying to be funny or if you don’t realize they’re rude, but they are. Just today you were mocking my hair.”
“What? I was not mocking your hair. You have great hair.”
That made me stutter for a moment. “Yeah, well, that’s, uh … Plus! And more importantly, you treated Isabel horribly.”
“I treated Isabel horribly? Me? What about how you treated her?”
I scowled. “Me? What did I do? She was my best friend. She’s still my best friend.”
“You were a huge flake. She’d call to set things up with you and you’d cancel last minute because you had to babysit and I had to watch her be disappointed all the time.”
I flinched at his depiction of me. “I have family obligations. She knows that.”
“And then you’d snap at me like I was the one leaving her alone in the middle of a restaurant or event.”
I glared at him. “No, you were the one leaving her alone even when you were standing right next to her. You were so checked out. You’d be on your phone or ignoring her in some other way.”
He grimaced. “I was in the middle of … things at that time.”
“Things? You never even told her what things, did you? You never told her anything about yourself. You don’t tell anything to anyone except—” I stopped myself, surprised I had gone that far. I’d almost given myself away.
He stared at me. “Except what?”
“Your girlfriend. I’m sure you tell Sasha everything.”
“Stop calling her that. She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Does she know that?”
His knee brushed against my hip and a jolt went through me. Why was I still standing this close? Probably because my hands were still holding both ends of the bracelet. I wasn’t sure if it was the anger coursing through me now or sheer determination, but I quickly clasped his bracelet and took a step back.
“Enjoy your apology man bracelet,” I snapped.
“I will love my man bracelet!”
There was something about the absurdity of that statement that made me want to laugh. I wasn’t sure if Cade wanted to laugh too but a light shone in his eyes. He stood and we were suddenly even closer than before. My eyes started to water as I stared at him, and I realized I hadn’t blinked. My desire to laugh was completely gone and other desires were taking over. Desires I knew he didn’t share. He’d basically just spelled out why he hated me. I was angry with myself for the feelings coursing through me. I turned and fled.
When I got to the minivan, I had to wait for close to five minutes before I felt steady enough to drive.
He was probably doing it to drive me crazy, to remind me what it stood for, but whatever the reason, Cade was wearing that bracelet, beads and all, to school the next morning. And even though winter had finally hit Arizona, bringing in lower temperatures than we’d had in months, he was wearing a three-quarter-length tee and no jacket, making the bracelet that much more visible.
I glared at him in the school parking lot.
He smiled at me, but not a real smile, a challenging one.
I decided to take him up on that challenge. “Nice bracelet,” I said, falling in step beside him instead of trying to avoid him like I normally did.
“Thank you,” he replied. “It was given to me by a girl who was deeply sorry for treating me unkindly.”
“Deeply sorry? Is that what she said?”
“It’s what she meant. I saw it in her eyes.”
“You weren’t just looking at your own reflection there? That sounds more like you.”
He ran a hand through his hair, pushing it off his forehead, only to have it flop forward again when he dropped his hand. “It’s true. We all appreciate beauty. She recently told me I was hot.”
“Huh. Well, hopefully she’s had some sense knocked into her since then.”
“No, just this morning when she saw me, I could tell she found me irresistible.”
I laughed, trying to think of a comeback to that but for some terrifying reason, I was unable to. What was happening to me?
We walked by some students who called out greetings to him and he nodded back in response.
I shook my head. “You won this round.” I saw Isabel up ahead, and added, “I’ll win the next one.” Then I picked up my pace and left him behind.
I passed Sasha, who was heading for Cade, and she gave me a look so hateful that I knew she must’ve seen me talking to him.
“Good morning, sunshine!” I called to her, not sure what had gotten into me.
She ignored me.
Isabel was first with our daily greeting. “Chocolate-dipped bananas.”
“Yours always make me hungry. Why are you always thinking about food before you go to bed?”
“Hey, you’re not allowed to respond to mine until you say yours.”
“Man bracelet.”
“Huh?”
“My mom made me take one to Cade yesterday after how I treated him on Thanksgiving.”
I’d texted Isabel all about the Sasha-detention disaster, but I hadn’t filled her in on my visit to Cade’s house yet.
Isabel gaped at me. “Is your family plotting against you? First your brother invites him over and now your mom forces you to visit him?”
“I know. They must not have gotten the list of my enemies I specifically printed out for them.”
“Is there more than one on that list?”
“Just Cade and Sasha for now. It’s open-ended for add-ons.” I paused, thinking about what Cade had accused me of the day before. “Iz?”
“Yes.”
“Have I treated you badly? I’m sorry for the times I have to cancel last minute when family obligations come up.”
Her hands flew to her hips. “What? Lily, come on. You don’t need to apologize for that. I know you have a big family. Sometimes I’m disappointed when things get canceled, but never mad. You’re an amazing sister and daughter. I’m not selfish enough to get mad about that.”
My shoulders relaxed in relief.
“Did Cade say something about that?” she asked suspiciously.
I nodded.
She rolled her eyes. “Ugh. Don’t let Cade put words in my mouth. Ever.”
“Okay. Love you.”
“You too.”
The list of people I had told I wouldn’t write to Cade anymore was growing by the day—Isabel, myself, and now Sasha. And after my last few interactions with Cade, that was actually my plan. This needed to be over.
Between him thinking the letter writer was Sasha, our never-ending irritation with each other, my wannabe relationship with
Lucas, and Isabel’s reaction when she thought there was even the tiniest possibility that I liked Cade … I knew it needed to end.
I sat down in Chemistry. I didn’t want to leave the unread letter under the desk for someone else to find. Specifically, Sasha. Now that she knew all about the letters, I was worried she would intercept them. I didn’t think she or Lauren realized where we hid them, just that I always had one.
Mr. Ortega held up a packet. “I’m going to pass these out and you’re going to get the period to work on them alone or with a partner.”
The class immediately erupted into talking and switching seats. I was glad he gave us the option to work alone. I stayed put and watched as Lauren got up and joined Sasha. In all the commotion, I snatched the letter out from under the desk.
I made myself keep it folded; I just tucked it in my bag. It would be easier to read at home and since I wasn’t responding to it, it didn’t matter when I read it.
But ten minutes in, I realized I wasn’t going to get any work done until the letter was read. Using my Chemistry book as a blockade, I read it while the rest of the class studied.
You asked if there’s something specific I hope my dad will say or do. That’s a good question. I didn’t request anything in the letter I wrote to him (which included not a single song lyric). I guess I’m hoping he’ll drop everything, get on a plane, and come see me. But in the real world in which we actually live, I just want him to pick up the phone and acknowledge my existence. Acknowledge he’s made mistakes. I guess I just want an apology. Well, and a commitment to try harder. I’m his son; tell me that’s not too much to ask. I know that he only thinks of me when my mom remembers to remind him it’s my birthday. I think my mom slowly grew tired of that chore. I don’t blame her.
It’s been a few letters since I whined this much. I get a free pass, right?
I always feel like I need to balance all this heavy stuff with something light but I’m kind of out of humor today. Sorry.
I set down the letter. Why did he have to break my heart like that? My irritation from earlier melted away. I was so glad I read it because I needed to respond to it now. I positioned my review packet over my new sheet of letter paper. I continually glanced at the book while writing so anyone watching would think I was writing down something I read there. I wasn’t sure I was fooling Sasha, but I didn’t care at the moment.
