“Tell me,” she said. “Not because I need to know, but because I think you’ll feel better when you do.”
He stood up, walked to the railing, turned to look at her, then strode back across the porch and plopped into the rocker. When he began to speak, she understood that it took all of the courage he had to do so. She understood that the trust he was showing in her was a precious thing.
“When I first left Goshen, I was young—only nineteen. I had some vision of myself traveling from community to community, enjoying the free life. In Maine, I worked on a farm helping with the harvest. The farmer had a daughter...”
He must have sensed her smile, because he said, “I know. Sounds like a bad country song. Cora was younger than I was at the time—only seventeen. I didn’t want a serious relationship. I wasn’t looking for that at all, and I thought I’d made my intentions clear. I was still seeing myself out on the road with no obligations, able to pack up and move whenever the mood struck me, which I did a few weeks later when the harvest was done.”
“You broke her heart?”
Olivia Mae could only see the outline of Noah, the shape of him. But a lot could be observed from a person’s posture, the way they held their head, the tightness of their shoulders. At her words, Noah looked up, sharply, but then it seemed to her that the tension in his features eased. She could have imagined that, but she didn’t imagine his voice, which was softer now, softer and tired.
“Ya. I suppose I did. The bad part is that I think I knew I was doing it as I was doing it, but it was just such a heady thing to have a girl like me, to have her want to spend the rest of her life with me. Here in Goshen, I’d always been Caleb’s younger brother.”
“I haven’t met Caleb,” she said softly, just to keep him talking.
“He’s the oldest. Lives in Nappanee now—close enough to visit. All my bruders live close enough to visit. Maybe that’s why I wanted to get away. Here, I was always going to be just another one of those Graber boys. There? Well, there I was something special.” He sat back, again set the chair to rocking. “But it wasn’t enough to convince me to stay in Maine. I didn’t even tell Cora a proper goodbye. I told myself that it would be better that way. I just left.”
“Introverts avoid confrontation.”
“I guess. Maybe I was just a coward.”
“You’re being a little hard on yourself.”
“Then there was Samantha.” He sat forward, elbows on his knees, fingers interlaced. “She was Englisch, and I pretended I was, too, which was a joke. Anyone could tell from the way I talk that I’m Amish, but Samantha... Well, she just accepted whatever I said. I even bought some blue jeans and T-shirts, let my hair grow out, wore a fancy pair of sunglasses that must have looked ridiculous. It was almost as if I needed to be someone else, something else.”
“Why do you think that was?”
“It was like I was running from who I was. What did I know? I was probably twenty-one or twenty-two, and at that time I really had no idea what I wanted my future to look like or who I wanted to be. So who knows what I was running from? Shadows maybe.”
“You’re not the first youngie to have an identity crisis.”
“Sure. I guess that’s true, and it’s kind of you to say so. But that doesn’t explain Ida. I was old enough to know better with her. It was only two years ago.”
“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.”
“Maybe you were right, though, when you said I’ll feel better if I do. Maybe confession is good for the soul.” He stood again, paced up and down the porch and finally stopped in front of her, leaning back against the porch railing, arms crossed, eyes studying her. It was as if he needed to see her response more than he needed to hide because of his embarrassment.
“Ida was an Amish girl I met when I was working at an auction house in New York. It was a gut community, and I learned quickly that the auction work was something I was able to do well, something I enjoyed.”
“And Ida?”
“Daughter of the main auctioneer.” He crossed his legs at the ankles, recrossed his arms as if he could get more comfortable, stared up at the ceiling and finally shook his head. “It would have been a nice place to settle, and Ida—she was a sweet girl. I don’t actually remember asking her to marry, but suddenly we were pledged and attending classes with the bishop.”
“You didn’t ask her? But you were pledged?”
Noah only shrugged, as if even he didn’t understand what had happened. “Before I knew it, the big day arrived. I thought I could do it. I thought everything would be all right afterward, that my feelings for her would be what they were supposed to be.”
“What did you do?”
“What I always do—I ran. The morning of our wedding, I crept out of the house before dawn and hit the road—hitchhiked to Kentucky. That’s what I’m telling you, what I’ve been trying to tell you. There’s something wrong with me, and it’s not just that I’m an introvert.”
Olivia Mae had been sitting, patiently listening. But she couldn’t sit any longer when she heard the desperation in Noah’s voice. She smoothed out her dress, stood, walked across the porch and stopped next to him, mirroring his posture, which meant they were both staring back into the house. She watched as Mammi set aside her Bible and walked into her bedroom, leaving the lantern on for her.
“So let me get this straight.” She ticked off the items on her fingers. “You’re a heartbreaker, you avoid confrontation at all costs and you run whenever you feel backed into a corner.”
“Ya, I guess that sums it up.”
She stared at her three fingers. “I think we’re each allowed a few flaws—at least three.”
“You’re making light of this and you know it.”
“Actually I’m trying not to lecture you.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.” She turned toward him, studied his profile. “Noah, there is nothing wrong with you. Cora and Samantha? You were too young to know what you wanted or how you felt. I know. Don’t even say it. I know that many of our friends marry that young.”
“Or younger.”
“But many don’t. And many, like you and me... Well, it takes longer. Some people are older when they fall in love and maybe that’s because it takes a while for them—for us—to know their hearts.”
“But what of Ida? I was older by that time, certainly older than her. I should have known better.”
“Sometimes we end up in situations that we don’t know how to get out of. The way you left, that was wrong and you should write her an apology. Whether she accepts it or not, that’s her choice. But not marrying her? If you didn’t love her, then you shouldn’t have married her.”
“Not everyone marries for love.”
“That’s true. Sometimes those relationships work out and sometimes they don’t, but you knew you didn’t love her. That’s a form of dishonesty and basing a marriage on that? Never a gut idea.”
He finally turned toward her, searched her face in the little bit of light that spilled out through the window.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what?” She tried not to react to the way he was looking at her, to the way his eyes searched hers.
“Trying to make me feel better.”
“Isn’t that what a friend is supposed to do?”
“Is that what we are—friends?”
When she didn’t answer, he stepped closer. Olivia Mae’s heart rate accelerated like one of her sheep tearing across the pasture.
“Olivia, may I...”
This time she didn’t admonish him for playing with her name. Instead she nodded. He reached out and touched her face, and she thought she might melt right into the floor of the porch. And then he did what she’d been hoping for some time he would do. He kissed her softly, gently, and then more urgently
. When she thought that her knees would give way completely, he pressed his forehead to hers.
Then without another word, he turned and walked out into the night.
* * *
Noah thought about that kiss for days.
He thought about it on Saturday as he installed railings next to her grandparents’ porch steps and then in the bathroom adjacent to their bedroom. He thought about it on Sunday when he sat next to Olivia Mae at the church gathering. Then later, as they walked around Widow King’s property, he thought about it and found the courage to hold her hand.
The widow’s home was actually across from Noah’s parents’. He had known her all his life. Known her when all of the children were still there. By the time her husband died, the eldest son had already taken over the working of the farm. He’d married and they now had a full household of children.
“Why doesn’t she live in the grossdaddi haus?” Olivia Mae asked.
“She did, when her husband was alive. I guess she got lonely. A few years ago she moved back into the main house.”
“So the daddi house is empty?”
“Looks like it.”
They’d reached the small front porch, which was just big enough to hold two rockers. The door was unlocked—Amish rarely locked their doors and never their outbuildings. Olivia Mae threw a smile back at him and then walked into the house.
“Cute,” she said.
“Small.”
“Only two people in a grossdaddi haus. It’s big enough.”
The place was well laid out, built with large windows and high ceilings. The open windows caught the summer breeze and stepping inside was like stepping back into spring.
There was a fine layer of dust on the furniture, but overall the place was surprisingly clean. Of course, with only four rooms that couldn’t have been too hard.
They walked through the sitting room, the bedroom, peeked into the bath and ended up in the kitchen.
“It’s a gut house—nice and solid.” Olivia Mae smiled up at him.
“No leaks in the roof.”
“Ha. And no steps out front. It’s designed for grandparents. They did a gut job.”
He wanted to stay there with her—sit on the couch and pretend the place was theirs. The thought surprised him. Had he fallen in love with Olivia Mae? Could he see himself spending the rest of his life with her?
The next two days passed with excruciating slowness, though he was plenty busy. Their date—their final lesson—was scheduled for Wednesday night. He wanted to do something special, but he kept coming up blank.
They’d had dinner at her place.
He’d taken her out to pizza.
And she’d warned him against picnics.
So what was left? He was stewing over it as he worked in the family garden on Tuesday evening.
Justin came up behind him and let out a long low whistle. “What did that trowel ever do to you?”
“What do you mean?” Noah stared at the tool in his hand, then the row, then his brother.
“You’re using it like a hammer. Thought maybe it had offended you in some way.”
“Guess my mind was elsewhere.”
“Did you and Olivia Mae have a fight?”
“What? Nein. It’s just that... Well, we’re supposed to have our final lesson tomorrow, and I can’t decide where I should take her or what I should do. I want it to be special.” He didn’t add that he wanted it to be a real date and not just a lesson.
“Take her to your work,” Justin said.
“Why would I do that?”
“She probably doesn’t get out of Goshen much. I bet she’d enjoy a trip over to Shipshe. She could walk through the market and shop, maybe after she watches you auction.”
“I don’t think she’ll leave Rachel and Abe for that long.”
“I can take Sarah over to stay with them a few hours.”
“She would do that?”
“Of course. She’s been a little restless the last few days. It would probably cheer her up.”
He had to admit the idea had merit. When he said that he’d run it by Olivia Mae, Justin grinned as if he’d stumbled upon the golden goose.
“What?”
“Nothing. Just nice to see you falling for someone.”
Was he?
Falling for Olivia Mae?
He didn’t know. He only knew that when he wasn’t with her, he thought about the next time he would be with her. And when he was with her, he didn’t want the time to end. But their date was the following evening. He couldn’t count on her checking the phone shack, so he harnessed Snickers and drove over to her place.
He didn’t want to show up empty-handed, so he stopped at the local farmer’s market and purchased a basket of strawberries. She’d said something about needing to serve her grandparents more fruit.
She was standing in the kitchen, thanking him and washing the strawberries in the sink, when he brought up the subject of their next date.
“I was thinking you could come to the market.”
“Market?”
“The flea market and auction house—in Shipshe.”
“Why would I do that?”
“To see where I work. To get out for a little while.”
“Oh, I don’t know. That would be a long time for Mammi and Daddi to be alone.”
“We’re not children,” Mammi said from the kitchen table, where she was cutting up slices of peach pie for each of them.
“I know you’re not, but what if something happened?”
“Like what?” Noah winked at Rachel and she grinned back at him.
“Ya, like what? We’re old people. We can’t exactly get in trouble anymore. Takes more energy than I have, and Abe, I’m not sure he remembers how.”
It was good to hear her joke about their situation. At least, Noah thought it was a good sign.
“See? She wants you to go, and Sarah offered to come by. Something about asking your mammi to show her how to bind off a blanket. I have no idea what that means.”
Olivia Mae rolled her eyes, obviously not buying the idea that Sarah needed help with her knitting. But she also hesitated, as if she was considering going.
“I have to leave early in the day,” Noah added. “But another bus heads that way just after the noon hour. You could catch that one, watch my auction at two o’clock, and then we could walk around through the flea market and have an early dinner. The last bus leaves Shipshe at six. You’d be home by seven.”
“Never know what you might find,” Mammi chimed in. “I like the idea. You might even come across more sweaters to buy on the cheap and frog.”
Frogging made no more sense than bind off to Noah, but he nodded in agreement.
“Okay. Fine.” Olivia Mae raised her hands in surrender. “Now let’s eat some of that pie before the ice cream melts all over the table.”
He hadn’t meant to stay for two hours, but he did.
They talked about a number of things: her daddi’s health—it seemed to have stabilized. Her mammi’s episodes—she’d only had two since changing her medications. The sale of the farm—no one had expressed an interest yet.
Noah didn’t want to think about Olivia Mae moving. So he told her about the newborn calves at his brother’s place, how well the hay was coming in at his dat’s, and that he’d written letters of apology to Cora, Samantha and Ida.
“That’s gut, Noah. That’s really gut.”
He kissed her again before he left.
And as he drove away he felt, finally, as if his life was on the correct track again—the track he’d deviated from over ten years ago.
* * *
Olivia Mae was ridiculously excited about her afternoon in Shipshe.
She dug out one of her cloth shopping bags and put it next to her purse
. She counted the money she’d been saving from her sheep’s wool and decided she could afford to spend twenty dollars. She made an early supper for her grandparents, set it in the icebox and left Sarah instructions for how to warm it up. As if Sarah didn’t know how to warm up a chicken casserole.
At a few minutes before the noon hour, Justin showed up to drop off Sarah and also to take Olivia Mae to the bus station.
“It’s nice of you to do this,” she said to them both.
“Happy to.” Sarah grinned and held up her knitting bag. “I really do need help with this project.”
Mammi had taught Olivia Mae everything she knew about yarn, patterns and stitches. More important, she’d taught her to love knitting and, although her arthritis sometimes kept her from doing as much as she would like to do, she still enjoyed every aspect of it. Her eyes were sparkling as she told Sarah, “Come in. Come in and let’s sit around the table.”
Daddi was taking a nap, so Olivia Mae didn’t wake him. She pushed the list of emergency instructions into Sarah’s hands, whispered “Danki” and hurried out to the buggy.
Thirty minutes later she was on the way to Shipshewana.
When was the last time she’d taken an entire afternoon off for herself? She always tried to limit her errands to an hour, two at the most. The thought of an entire afternoon and evening to do with as she pleased made her positively giddy. And the thought of spending it with Noah? Well, that was icing on the cake.
The market had grown since she’d last been there. Of course, it had been years, but still she was surprised. She hopped off the bus and hurried toward the auction barn. Noah had told her that he’d be working the livestock auction. When she stepped into the cool shade of the auction area, she was nearly overwhelmed by the earthy smell of animals and hay and even manure. She saw crates of chickens, goats, several donkeys and, of course, sheep.
Then she heard his voice, and hurried toward the northeast corner of the barn. Noah was just beginning the afternoon auction. Olivia Mae’s heart felt as if it had lodged itself in her throat when she saw him. He was dressed the same as always—straw hat, white long-sleeved shirt rolled up at the sleeves, dark pants and suspenders.
A Perfect Amish Match Page 14
