by Jewel E. Ann
“What if I don’t know what everything is anymore?”
“Then tell her exactly that. Give her honesty every step of the way.”
“What if she doesn’t believe me?”
“Then you make her see it.”
If she didn’t understand, it left only one option—I was crazy. Who lived their life with a crazy person?
“Your dad doesn’t believe it like I do, but he knows you’re not crazy. There’s a middle, Ronin. If you can bring her to the middle, that’s good enough. She doesn’t have to believe it like we do to accept you. And she’s already halfway there. You know this. Every time you end up in the hospital and they can’t figure anything out, Evelyn loses it. She hasn’t been given a logical explanation, so at this point, I think she will latch on to anything you give her if you can show her it’s your truth.”
I cringed, leaning forward.
“What is it, Ronin?”
“Lila …” I blew out a long breath to release the tension that gripped my body. They were doing something to her at the hospital, maybe getting her out of bed. Whatever it was, she was feeling serious pain.
“How are you going to go back to work?” She stroked my hair.
“I don’t know yet.” I leaned back and closed my eyes. Sometimes giving all my energy to the worst area of pain actually lessened it, but it wasn’t easy when so many parts of my body vied for that top spot.
Corey took Madeline home the next day, a day after Lila was transferred to Denver. They anticipated she would be in the hospital two more weeks. I requested a few more days off work, hoping by some miracle I could do my job by then. It wrecked me to think that miracle had to be Lila dying.
With the help of little things, like celebrating Franz’s fourth birthday, the pain started to subside; that was good for both of us. However, I had a feeling that Graham was encouraging Lila to stay on her pain medications, which meant the reprieve was temporary.
Among all the other chaos, Sophie got the flu, so Evelyn had to go back to work. My parents agreed to stay as long as we needed them. My dad thought that meant until I returned to work, but I knew my mom figured it meant until the funeral … because she believed Lila’s fate had already been determined.
I didn’t know what to believe anymore.
“Ronin!” Evelyn glanced up from the half-constructed display toward the back of the store. No one else was in there at the moment. She brushed off her hands and quickly found her way into my arms. “What are you doing here? You’re out on your own. You must be feeling better.” Pulling back just enough to look up at me, she grinned.
I wasn’t feeling on top of the world—yet. However, I knew I’d pretend that was the case if it meant making my wife deliriously happy.
“I am.” Okay, I wasn’t feeling better, but I was out on my own, testing the waters to see just how functional I could pretend to be.
If Evelyn could go back to work, in spite of her dying mom, best friend in the hospital, daughter with stitches in her head, and me with my fucked-up issues, and pull her shit together enough to keep going, then I had to make the same effort.
“Lila messaged me. She’s feeling a little better today too.”
Of course, she was feeling better; otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to drag my ass to the shop.
“They probably have her drugged up.”
Evelyn kissed the angle of my jaw. “No,” she murmured. “Per your suggestion, I talked to Graham about alternative treatments for pain.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Yes, you told me that. You also said he seemed pretty skeptical.”
On a shrug, she released me and turned back toward her display, arranging bars of soap into tidy little rows. “Well, he must have had a change of heart because he arranged for her to have acupuncture this morning, and she said it cut her pain in half.”
Her revelation and the optimism over Lila’s recovery made it easy for me to second-guess telling her the truth. Why mess with a good thing? Maybe Lila was an exception to the rule.
“That’s great.”
“It is.” She sighed, glancing over her shoulder at me. “I think I’m ready to finish our conversation.”
“Our conversation?” I knew what she meant, but if there was a one-percent chance I was wrong, I wasn’t going to shit all over her good mood by addressing something that maybe … just maybe no longer needed to be discussed.
“The voices in your head.”
I rubbed my eye. “That uh … makes me sound crazy, Evie. Do you think I’m crazy?”
She laughed. “Of course not. I just want to understand, and we got interrupted, so now I want you to finish telling me everything.”
Understand.
She wasn’t going to understand. I didn’t understand it. I thought I did, but then my heart stopped beating.
“I fear understand isn’t the best word. I’m not sure you’ll be able to truly understand.”
“Well, try me. Make me understand.” She clasped her hands behind her back, waiting for my magical explanation.
I cleared my throat. “O … kay. Just go with me for a second. As an example, if you saw a pig flying, you wouldn’t be able to dispute what you saw, nor would you be able to explain it. But it wouldn’t mean that the pig didn’t fly. Right?”
Evelyn laughed a little more, returning her attention to the display. “Yes. I suppose. Did you see a pig fly?”
“If I did, would you believe me?”
“Sure.”
“No!” I laced my fingers behind my head and paced back and forth. “You wouldn’t believe me. I can tell from your laughter you wouldn’t believe me.”
When she faced me again, her smile was gone. I didn’t mean to take away her smile. After days of tragedy and grief, she had earned the right to have a moment that wasn’t so damn depressing. “I’m not laughing at you.”
My chin dropped to my chest on a long sigh. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just so hard to tell you this because it’s not going to make sense. It’s going to be completely unbelievable and utterly confusing.” I glanced up at her again.
“Then don’t try to explain the voice. Just tell me what it means for your life now. Tell me if you know why your heart stopped beating, and I promise I will believe you.”
“I don’t know what it means anymore. I didn’t know what it meant for many years after the accident. Then I performed CPR on an actual person for the first time. I heard a ringing in my ears that intensified as I compressed the person’s chest. And I heard that voice telling me the same thing. Hinder not the soul’s intended path unto the light, lest shards of darkness shed upon thee.
“The person never regained a heartbeat. Once I stopped CPR, the ringing in my ears stopped. The next time I performed CPR, the same thing happened, only we did revive the woman. I heard the ringing, the voice, and I felt her injuries from the accident, her pain and suffering. She died less than twenty-four hours later. But that was the first time I ended up in the hospital too—feeling like I was dying, but having no signs of injuries or ailments. Come to find out, I miraculously recovered at the same time the woman died.”
My brain told me to keep going, but my heart told me to let her take over and decide where she was ready for me to go with the rest of this revelation.
Lines formed along her forehead. “That man you tried to save in the restaurant with Graham, you felt his pain after he was resuscitated? That’s why you were so sick?”
“Yes.”
She kept her gaze somewhere between our feet, maybe the smudge on the wood floor. “Then your pain just … stopped?”
I didn’t respond. She knew the answer.
“Because he died?” Blue eyes made their way to meet my gaze.
“Yes,” I whispered.
Evelyn nodded in tiny increments as her eyes narrowed a little more. “Lila didn’t die.”
“True.”
She cleared her throat and curled a few stray hairs behind her ear. “So what happens when they don�
�t die?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why?”
I started to say it, but the words wouldn’t come out. They raked along my throat like razorblades, burning my eyes and suffocating my lungs. I didn’t know the real answer, just a few guesses mixed with my worst fears.
“Why?” she repeated with a hard edge to her demand.
“Because they all die.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Evelyn
I knew I would never forget the look on Ronin’s face when he said those four words.
The pain.
The regret.
The love …
Without love, there can be no pain and regret.
Taking a step toward him, I smiled, resting my palm on his cheek. “Don’t you see what this means?”
He squinted, intensifying the anguish on his handsome face.
“It’s over. This curse is over. Lila lived. She’s getting better. You’re getting better.” Lifting onto my toes, I feathered my lips along his jaw to his ear. “You’re free,” I whispered.
“Evelyn.” He grabbed my shoulders, holding me at arm’s length. “It feels like a curse, but it’s not actually a curse.”
“You know what I mean.”
Ronin nodded. “Yes. I know what you mean, but you don’t know what I mean. Lila could still …”
I waited. There was no way I was going to say it for him. Lila wasn’t dying. She was getting stronger every day.
“I know you’re scared, baby.” I tried to infuse as much sympathy as possible into my voice.
Ronin had clearly been through a lot, not just from recent events, but during the span of most of his life. The accident he suffered as a child changed him. Even if I didn’t fully understand it, or wholeheartedly believed all of it, I stood by him. His physical pain and emotional suffering emanated from every inch of his body.
“Today Lila is alive. Today you are feeling better. You don’t need to prepare me for tomorrow or any day after that. How many times do I have to tell you I’m stronger than you think I am?”
“Evie …” He covered my hand with his and turned his head a fraction so his lips pressed to my palm. “You are the strongest person I know. But that will never stop me from dedicating every breath, every second, I have on this earth to keep you from having your heart broken. I said I’d hold our family together.”
I wrapped both arms around his neck. He leaned down instead of picking me up off my feet like he usually did when I hugged him. His vulnerability chipped away at my emotional armor. “We will hold our family together.”
“We …” he echoed me while wrapping his arms around my waist.
I slipped on my favorite—but rather weathered—brave face and sent Ronin home to spend time with the kids and his parents so I could finish setting up my displays. At least … that was my excuse.
After he made it across the street toward his car, I locked the shop door and stuck up our “Be back in 15 minutes” sign that we used in a pinch when only one person was manning the shop. Then I retreated to the back room to cry my eyes out.
Either my best friend was dying, or my husband was crazy.
Two weeks later, I drove to Denver to visit my mom and Lila. Mom seemed to have rebounded since the seizure. We ate lunch before I headed to Lila’s and Graham’s house. They rarely stayed at the governor’s mansion. It was subpar to the Porter estate, and no staff were provided. Lila needed help doing everything at the moment. She’d been released from the hospital that morning, so I was excited to see her and Graham.
“You look like you could use a manicure.” I peeked my head into her massive bedroom. Seriously, the ceiling was two stories with mammoth windows and lavish coverings, all imported from some place I couldn’t remember and hand-stitched by someone really important, also whom I couldn’t remember. My window coverings were from Target.
“Evie!” She grimaced for a split second, pushing herself up in bed.
I hugged her so tightly; I feared I might hurt her, but I couldn’t help it. After the accident and Ronin’s revelation two weeks earlier, it felt amazing to hug my best friend and see her on the mend. “You look good, so good.”
Lila gave me the stink eye as I climbed onto the other side of the bed, crossing my legs while facing her. “Really?” She pointed to her face. The four-inch gouge showed signs of mending nicely, but I realized all she saw was the potential scar. Graham brought in the best plastics guy to work on her face. I knew there wouldn’t be much of a scar after it completely healed.
“Yes, I see it. And I see you. And you’re alive! Please don’t focus on the little things that don’t matter.” I glanced around. “Where’s Graham Cracker?”
“D.C.”
“What?” I drew my head back.
Lila lifted her good shoulder. “He’ll be home in a few days. I have a gazillion people waiting on me and checking up on me.” She smirked. “Besides you. So it’s fine.”
“He’s your husband. No one replaces him. He should have been the one to bring you home. Who brought you home?”
“Fiona.”
“Your personal assistant? You mean his parents couldn’t even take it upon themselves to pick you up in Graham’s absence? Are you kidding me?”
“It’s fine, Evie. They’re out of town. Besides, Fiona is my friend. She’s become family of sorts.”
I wrinkled my nose, not out of jealousy. No. It was the memory of Lila telling me how Fiona would wait outside of Graham’s office with clean underwear and a cloth for Lila after Graham fucked her in his office. I knew what it was like to be that kind of friend to Lila, so it made me sad for her. Who wants to need that from a friend?
“I’m glad she was there for you. Had I known, I would have picked you up. I was visiting my mom this morning, but we both would have picked you up and brought you home. I just assumed it was Graham, and I didn’t want to step on his toes.”
“I’m alive.” She winked. “No need to focus on the little things that don’t matter, right?”
I shook my head, trying to fight back my grin. “Touché.”
Lila’s gaze shifted to my bag. “Did you seriously bring stuff to give me a manicure?”
“Yes.” I tipped my chin up. “And a pedicure.”
She chuckled. “You realize I can order that sort of pampering anytime I want it, right?”
I grabbed her hand and inspected her nails and the peeling red polish. “Yes. But I knew you wouldn’t do it today, so I jumped at the chance to go back twenty-five years to when we used to give each other manis and pedis.” Crawling off of the bed, I padded to the bathroom to find a few things. “I bet these are expensive towels, huh?” I ran some hot water.
“Of course,” Lila replied.
“Well, they’re going to get fucked-up today.” I returned with a wicked grin and fine linens to ruin with nail polish.
“Go for it. Graham has been extra nice to me since the accident. I don’t think he’ll sweat over towels.”
I wet a cotton swab with fingernail polish remover and scrubbed at her nails. “Graham should be extra nice to you every single day. That was the deal.”
“What deal?”
I glanced up and winked. “The deal we made when I said I’d be his advocate to get you to fall in love with him. You’re on loan … from me. Wedding vows or not, he knows the deal that was made.”
“So if he breaks the deal, you get me back?”
“Yes.”
“And I’ll come live with you and Ronin?”
“Yes.” I focused on her nails and the stubborn polish.
“Will we have a threesome?”
“Hell to the no fucking way.”
She giggled. “Why not?”
“Because Ronin is a one-woman man.”
“How do you know? Have you asked him?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Lila cocked her head to the side.
“Because he’s not Graham. I don’t have to have threesome
conversations with him. We’re married. We have two kids. That’s not our life.”
“But you did it with us in Vancouver.”
I paused and glanced up again, brow furrowed. “Seriously? That was years ago. And we didn’t ‘do it.’ We … messed around. Then I left. And you two ‘did it.’ No one was married. No kids. And it wasn’t my idea.”
“But you went along with it.”
I sighed. “Why are we having this conversation? You were the one who said we should never discuss it again.”
“Have you told Ronin? Does he know just how close your friendship is with Graham and me?”
Wiping her hand with the expensive white towel, I shook my head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Grr …”
Lila giggled. I hated that stupid conversation, but I sure did love her giggle. It meant so many things—she was alive, feeling better, and happy.
“Did you just growl at me?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because I think you’re on something. Did you start taking more pain meds?”
“No.”
“Marijuana?”
“Nope. I’m just high on life and feeling nostalgic, and I’m in the mood to walk down memory lane because my BFF is here and doing something really sweet for me.”
“I know … I’m pretty amazing.”
“You are. Let’s talk about your amazingness and why you didn’t tell your husband about that night in Vancouver.”
“Because it never came up. I’m not intentionally hiding it from him. I just haven’t told him about every thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. Remember when we went horseback riding in sixth grade and I fell and broke my arm?”
“Yeah.”
“Well…” I shrugged “…I don’t think I’ve ever told Ronin about it. If we got on the subject of broken limbs or horseback riding, I’m sure I’d tell him the story. But … we haven’t.”
“Maybe I should bring up that night in Vancouver sometime when we’re all together. I’d love to see the look on his face.”
“Why?”
“Because I think he would find it pretty hot.”
“No. He wouldn’t.”
