by Jade Royal
“Don’t forget to take a sweater in case it gets cold. It’s supposed to rain today. ...I know that you’re a big girl, but even big girls need help from their parents. ...I love you, too. No, I didn’t forget about your play in two weeks. I’ve already taken off work, princess. Where’s Nana? I love you, too. Be a good girl and call me when you get back.” Vanessa hung up the phone and turned to put it on the island when she saw me and jumped.
“Jesus!”
“I prefer Jamar.”
Vanessa laughed. “Good morning.”
“Same to you. What you got going on here?”
“I thought I’d make you breakfast. I’ve never cooked for you and thought you’d like to experience that.”
“I would. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I watched as she took some diced peppers and onions and added them to the potatoes. She threw in some spices and the aroma alone was mouthwatering. She checked on the biscuits and removed them from the oven. Was that cheese in those biscuits? Vanessa took one of the two plates that she had on the stove and arranged all the food. It wasn’t until I got my plate that I realized that she’d mixed bacon in with the potatoes. The ham slices that had been fried were heartier and thicker like I preferred. She poured me some coffee and placed it in front of me with cream, sugar, and honey. She grabbed me some strawberry jam and then fixed her own food. I took a bite of the potatoes and fell in love. They were spicy but not overpowering. The eggs were creamy and were a coolant for the potatoes. The ham was fantastic and even better when you paired it with the biscuits and jam. I stood up and kissed her as I made my way over to the stove to pile on a bit more food.
“Is it okay?” Vanessa sounded worried and couldn’t see what I was doing behind her.
When I walked back over, she saw the additional food I’d put on my plate and laughed. “I’ll take that as a sign.”
“I was taught that you compliment a woman on her cooking by getting more.”
“Gracías.”
“Did you learn to cook from your mother?”
“Yes. She and my grandmother taught me to cook when I was young. Mamá and I still cook meals together. She tries to make sure that I don’t forget my entire Spanish heritage through all of this mayhem.”
“Do you teach Angelica?”
“Yes. Though I’m sure that her father is African American. I teach her what I know.”
“You don’t know who her father is?”
“No. It was something that Danielle refused to talk about.”
“I see. I heard you talking about Angelica’s play with her. Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.” Vanessa put her fork down and looked at me readily.
“Why don’t you allow her to call you ‘Mama’?”
“Did she say something to you?” Vanessa’s voice indicated how alarmed she was.
“Whoa, girl. Watch your tone.”
Vanessa looked at me head on. She thought I was questioning her parenting and while that wasn’t completely true, I could see her defensiveness building.
“Angelica was telling me about her play and how they are going to do a special portion of the play for mothers. She asked me if she should direct her attention to your mother since you didn’t like to be called ‘Mama’. I’m not sure what’s going on, but she seems hurt by the idea. She told me that you cried the last time that she accidently called you ‘mommy’. I’m trying to help figure it out.”
“Sir, I think that this is something that doesn’t pertain to you. I’m fine with submitting to you sexually, but I won’t have you controlling my home life.”
I nodded, seeing that I was right. “What don’t you like about it?”
“I don’t think that you have jurisdiction.”
“I wasn’t talking about the control that you think I’m trying to take. I’m talking about her wanting to call you ‘Mama’. You know you’re the only person in the world who deserves to be called that by her. You’ve raised her, and she loves you dearly.”
“But I’m not her mother!” Vanessa jumped up and paced. “I don’t know why you and Mamá can’t get that through your heads. Her mother died because some psycho couldn’t take no for an answer! I’m her godmother, and that means I’m the substitute parent. I don’t get the joys of having her call me ‘Mommy’. She isn’t mine!”
I stood up and walked over to her. Pain laced every word that she shouted. She couldn’t control the tears, and when I reached to console her, she backed away from me. “She is every bit yours. You make sure that she has everything that she needs. That means you’re every bit her mother. She probably doesn’t even remember her biological mother. That means that you’re all that she knows. Every time that you push her away, you’re hurting her. You should have seen the look on her face when she was telling me about the play. She thinks that she’s the reason that you cry.”
“No, she doesn’t. I told her that I cried because of a nightmare.”
“And you think that she believed you?” Vanessa backed into the wall and I cornered her. It was time for some tough love.
“She did,” Vanessa pushed back.
“When did you tell her that? Was it before we spent the day together?”
Vanessa froze, realizing the problem. If Angelica believed that she wasn’t the reason, she’d never have told me that she was. “Yes.”
“Exactly. I think that when her mother told you that she wanted you to step in as godmother that she wanted you take on her role fully if something ever happened to her. That little girl loves you, and she needs a mother. She’s asking you for it, and you don’t seem to understand the need that she has. It’s selfish of you to deny her that.”
“Selfish?! I gave up my life for her. My teenage years, my college ones, I live in secret to protect her! If that’s selfish, then I don’t know how to give!”
“You’re not willing to give the one thing that she needs most of all. You’re hurting her, and you’re hurting yourself.”
“I will not disrespect Danielle by claiming her daughter as my own. She deserves more than that. My best friend’s memory deserves to be honored. I will not give her murderer the justice of taking something else from her.”
“Vanessa, you need to think about you and Angelica. She’s here and very much alive. She loves you just like you’re her mother, and there’s no way to change that. Eventually, she’ll start to resent you because she’ll grow tired of trying to please you. Is that what you want?”
“No! I want her to know that I’m not her mother.”
“You are, though. You walk in those shoes every day.”
“Leave me alone!” Vanessa screamed.
“Vanessa―”
“Danger! Danger! Danger!”
I backed away, hearing her safe word. As much as I wanted to push, I knew that going further would violate her trust. As soon as there was enough room between us, she ran upstairs and slammed my bedroom door behind her. I walked to the door and heard her bawling. I put my head to the door and braced myself with my hands. I had pushed her too far, and she’d blocked me out. I knew that I needed to give her some space.
I went back to my food and warmed it. I went into the TV room where I turned on the tube and searched for something to watch. I stopped at a comedy special and ate in silence. After a while, I heard Vanessa in the kitchen cleaning. She must’ve used the back stairs to get to the kitchen. I took my plate to the sink and saw that she was on the phone again. It sounded like she was talking to Renee, but I couldn’t be sure. I went into the basement where I pulled down weights from the wall and began my workout ritual. I turned on my iPod and got into action. Two hours later, I was soaked and amped. I went upstairs to shower and heard Vanessa still on the phone.
I ignored it and continued to my room to get clothes for the day. Vanessa had changed the sheets on the bed. I laid my clothes on top and stripped as I headed to the shower. Once inside, I could smell Vanessa’s scent mingled with my body wash. I groaned and w
ashed slowly. The hot water felt better than I could ever remember, and it helped to lessen the tension in my shoulders. I heard the door to the bathroom open and I turned toward it to see Vanessa disrobing. She knocked on the glass shower door and I stuck my head out.
“Can I join you, Sir?”
“Sure.”
Vanessa got in and took my washcloth from me gently. She lathered it with my body wash and began washing my body. I didn’t say anything as she quietly went about washing me. When she was done, I stepped under the spray to rinse away the soap. She began washing my back and I relaxed against the tile.
“I’m sorry, Master J. I didn’t mean to push you away. It’s just really hard for me to hear you talk about me and Angelica. You are always pushing me, and I wasn’t prepared for a push in my private life. You were right about a lot of things; I wasn’t ready to listen.”
“Does that mean that you’re going to work this out with Angelica?”
“No. It means that I should really think about what I want to do. I don’t want to hurt her. I need to get to the point where I can be comfortable with it. And I can only go from there. I’d like to work it out with Angelica, but I don’t know how.”
“Why don’t you talk to her about it?” I wasn’t proposing that she lay everything on Angelica right now. Explaining why this was such a big issue could make it easier for both of them to understand.
“I can’t disagree with you on that. I’ve been thinking about that as well.”
“Good.” I kissed her and rinsed my body again. Vanessa had already started on washing herself. Once we were both clean, we got out of the shower. I headed to my bed where I began to dress.
Vanessa walked over to her clothes and began dressing, minus her panties. When we were both dressed, we walked downstairs. Vanessa was meeting her mom soon, and I was waiting for a client to come get a quote on the shoots that she wanted. I walked her to the door and kissed her.
“I’ll talk to you later, girl.”
“You will, Daddy.”
I groaned and patted her on her ass as she dashed away. Today wasn’t a half bad day, but I had the feeling that there was a lot more to this story with Vanessa. Earlier, she’d spoken of hiding out and living in secret, and it brought a lot of questions to the front of my mind that needed answers soon.
Chapter 22: Vanessa
Hesitation accompanied every single step. Around each corner I expected to see something that would forever ruin me. If I raced in, I could cause him to snap and hurt me or anybody else, but I needed to get to Danielle. If the crime scene below was any indication of his motives, she was in danger. Call it instinct, but he was too warped to come all this way to her house and not see her. He was obsessed with her. The likelihood of him fleeing the scene completely was irrational... for him.
Tears welled up as I considered that Melvin was gone. Dead. That kind of up close shot was probably instant. The crazy bastard had a gun and was being reckless. You can’t tell me that Melvin could have ever said or done anything that made anybody want to kill him. He was too kind. And now, his children wouldn’t have a father. His wife wouldn’t have a husband. Danielle wouldn’t have a brother. Princess would never get to know her uncle.
As I climbed the stairs, I listened to sounds of anything. Arguing. Yelling. Shots. Something that would help me gauge where the sick, twisted demon was. The door to her apartment was wide open, and trepidation twisted like a wrung cloth with too much water. He was in there. Sirens indicated that they were coming but they needed to get here quicker.
I stepped in front of the door and gasped. I sank against the wall, shaking. I couldn’t get a grip on myself to calm down. Who could...? Anger mixed with a whole new level of terror, intertwined until I couldn’t tell the difference. Innocence lay cast aside on the floor. Three delicate lives who had no idea the why’s of the world, murdered. Children! What kind of sick, disgusting, maniac does this?! Blood tarnished the tan carpet like the hatred in Alphonso’s heart. He needed to suffer. He needed the worst kind of death to come to him.
Backpacks sat on the couch, ready for a school day that they would never have. Tara, Alphonso’s wife was slumped over the arm of the chair reaching for her phone. Bloody finger trails marked the wall of her efforts to get help.
I wanted to move but my blurred vision distorted everything. Sirens whirled outside but I was so far away from feeling relieved. Danielle wasn’t safe, and neither was Princess. I wiped away the despair that poured from my eyes trying to gather strength.
I was close to Melvin and his family, but Danielle was going to lose her mind when she saw the damage. I needed to be there for her, even though I was losing more of my mind the more I saw. Swallowing my own fears, I stepped over bodies no longer breathing. The burning in my eyes and throat was enough to run from the room. As much as I kept thinking that I couldn’t do this, I knew I had to.
Heading down the hall as silently as I could, I began to hear voices.
“Alphonso, just go!” Danielle said.
“Not without you and our baby. I love you!”
Love? They met at a bus stop and he’s stalked her ever since. That’s not love. That’s delusional.
“You don’t love me, Alphonso. You don’t even know me. Please, just go. Haven’t you done enough?”
“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE FOR YOU!”
I froze. Danielle needed to play it cool. The police were just outside, and if she could play the role a little while longer, they could arrest him. Nobody else needed to die.
“Besides stalk me? You call me at night just to hear me breathe. If I don’t carry that stupid phone that you bought for me, you get upset.”
“Danielle, we need to go.” Alphonso’s voice was extremely calm. I didn’t like it one bit.
I moved so that I could see into the room, but Danielle was turned away from me. I moved out of view so that I wouldn’t become Alphonso’s next victim.
“I’m not going!” Danielle shouted.
I saw the gun as he lifted the muzzle.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
I sat up straight, panting wildly. I searched the room, looking for Alphonso. I jumped up out of bed and checked each and every window of the house. Every room I entered, I checked around the corner, slowly hoping that he was nowhere to be found. The house was bright with sunshine, but I feared that the darkness was near.
I was home alone and that threw my need for control into the shit zone. I picked up the phone and dialed Mama. When she didn’t answer, I called her back. That happened seven times before she finally answered.
“Mi hija?”
Grief choked me at the sound of her voice. “Mamá.”
“Mi hija. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Nothing.” I sniffed back the tears as I silently cried. I didn’t want to get her upset or make her worry, but I needed her to tell me that it was going to be alright.
I needed for her to just know. I didn’t want to have to say it.
“I’m coming home. There is something wrong,” Mama said.
“No!” I blurted. “I’ll be fine.”
“Please tell me what happened, mi hija.” She pleaded.
“I—I...” I felt silly. It was just a dream. One I’d had before. And I’d probably have it again.
“You what?” Mama inquired.
“I just had a really bad dream.” I spoke so lowly that I hoped that she didn’t hear.
“They’re coming so frequently now. Maybe you’re in a place where you feel safe and your mind is finally allowing you to grieve, mi hija.”
“But...”
“No buts. It’s time that you understand exactly what it is that you lived through. Maybe there’s something to learn from it. You deserve happiness and to feel safe. It’s time to start letting go of all the pain you’ve held on to for so long.”
“Mamá...”
“I love you, mi hija. You’re OK. We won�
�t let him hurt us anymore,” Mama said.
I nodded my head though she couldn’t see. I wiped the tears away and sniffled again. “Sí, Mamá.”
We chatted for a bit more before I hung up the phone. I called and checked on Angelica, and hearing her voice was the best remedy. I only kept her a little while before I let her go back to Sunday school.
They say time heals, but I haven’t experienced that yet. Every dream, every thought of Danielle always hurts. The memories never fade and the emptiness of losing my father and best friend never got any lighter.
Chapter 23: Jamar
I’d finished up a photo shoot less than twenty minutes ago, and was feeling the itch for sex. Maybe it was because I’d been thinking about Vanessa the entire time that I’d been shooting. The model chosen was great, and she’d offered to be the vessel for my sexual needs. Normally, if I was interested, I’d take her up on it. I wasn’t, though.
Naomi was beautiful, willing, and sexually compatible with me which provided no real reason to turn her down. I knew that she was more than a great fuck. None of that changed my mind. She wasn’t who I wanted. She walked out of the bathroom without clothes on, forcing me to make a decision.
“Naomi, I appreciate the offer, but I’m going to pass this time.”
“Why?” she asked.
“I’m seeing somebody.”
“That’s not my problem.” Naomi slid her hands over my chest and shoulders, trying to change my mind. “I won’t tell her.”
“It’s not about ‘telling her’. I’m not interested.”
Naomi leaned up on her toes to kiss me, and I turned my head.
“Get your shit and go. I have places to go, and you’re wasting my time right now.” I moved away from her clutches and headed toward the door.
“I’ll make it quick,” she shouted after me.
“Good. When you’re done you can see yourself out. I’ll see you next shoot.”
I went upstairs, showered, dressed, and checked my studio to make sure that Naomi was long gone. I needed to relax so I took off in my truck on a long drive. Three hours later, I ended up at my sister’s house. She lived about forty-five minutes away, right outside the city limits, but I’d taken the scenic route. When I knocked on the door, my seven-year-old niece answered.
