by Mariam Gates
DIAL BOOKS
An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
375 Hudson Street, New York, NY 10014
Text copyright © 2018 by Mariam Gates
Illustrations copyright © 2018 by Libby VanderPloeg
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Ebook ISBN 9780399186646
Jacket art © 2018 by Libby VanderPloeg
Jacket design by Lindsey Andrews
Version_1
For Marah Bianca Rhoades
For everything
Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE
Mindfulness
CHAPTER TWO
Mindful Yoga
CHAPTER THREE
Mindful Breathing
CHAPTER FOUR
Mindful Meditation
CHAPTER FIVE
5-Day Mindfulness Challenges
Notes
Bibliography
Resources
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Imagine you are walking into your school. See it all as clearly as you can: Notice what’s on the walls, feel the weight of your backpack on your shoulders, hear the sound of the bell. Who do you see? What are you looking forward to? What is uncomfortable? How do you feel?
You are learning history, math, science, English, and maybe even how to speak another language. But you don’t have a class on how to handle your thoughts and feelings. There aren’t instructions for how to take care of yourself and manage your complicated life.
Even a normal day of school can be enough to make you feel completely overwhelmed.
Maybe you aren’t playing well in a game, and you get a bad grade on a project because you misunderstood the directions, and a friend seems annoyed but you don’t know why.
At your age, you have a lot more responsibilities than you used to. Not that long ago, your parents made most of your plans and decisions, but now you are choosing how to spend your time and who to spend it with. You are in charge of how much energy you put into your grades, sports, theater, or whatever else is in your life. There is more to keep track of and more to worry about. Everything is competing for your attention, and that creates stress.
Stress can make you sad or angry. It can build up to the point where you want to scream or even hit something. You can feel stress in your body—as tension in your neck and shoulders, stomachaches and headaches, shortness of breath, or tiredness. Stress can make it hard to fall asleep at night, which then makes everything even worse. When you have a lot on your mind it is difficult to stop and get some perspective.
I procrastinate a lot with my homework and then I feel like I can’t even start. Every day there are more things on my to-do list and not enough of them are getting checked off. My sister and I share a room, so when I’m trying to get things done I end up yelling at her over any sound she makes. When I’m overwhelmed I get headaches.
—Allison, age 12
Even when you aren’t worrying about something specific, your mind can feel busy. Your mind can feel like a monkey swinging through the jungle from tree to tree. Just when you land, your thoughts take off in another direction. With this “monkey mind” you never really get to rest because there is always something new to focus on. It can feel as if your thoughts are just spiraling from thing to thing with no end.
Whether you’re distracted by something you are worried about or just juggling a lot at once, the results are the same. When your thoughts are going a million miles a minute, you miss out on what is happening in the only time that exists—now.
It makes sense to want to get to the next moment, the next experience. It is part of being human to always be looking for the next possibility. If you are alone, you are thinking about when you’ll be with your friends; if it is Sunday you are focused on how Monday is going to go. You don’t let yourself be in this moment because it always feels like the important experience, event, or thing is the one coming up next.
But this is a problem. Because your life is only ever happening right here, right now.
This is the moment that exists. This is the only place you will ever be able to enjoy or experience anything.
The good news is that you can teach your mind to be in this moment happily and with ease. Learning how to be here now is the best way to manage everything that goes on in your life. If you are present, you can handle it.
What you will find is that 90 percent of the time, this moment, the one you are in right now, is just fine (and also very manageable). There may be things in the past or future that you are concerned about, but right here, right now, is okay.
Being completely present, even for a little while, can go a long way. It can help you feel more comfortable, confident, and even happy dealing with everything you experience on a regular basis.
Try It
Unplugging from Your Thoughts and Plugging into the Present
Sit up tall, and let your body relax.
Take a deep breath in, then let a long breath out.
Notice the calm here in the present.
This moment is just fine.
* * *
• • •
None of this is new information. All of the tools and techniques in this book have been used for thousands of years. People realized a long time ago that our constant rush of thoughts often makes us distracted and unhappy. We imagine worrisome outcomes for the future and we rehash unfortunate things that have already occurred. As a result, the life that is happening in this moment gets ignored. People discovered that the more we pay attention to what is happening right now, the more rational and relaxed we become.
Today, mindfulness practices are used by successful people in every field: CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, Silicon Valley innovators, teachers, professional athletes, and Oscar-winning actors and producers. There is plenty of information available about how these techniques can support you. But don’t take this book’s word for it. Experience it for yourself!
In each chapter you will find simple techniques for using mindfulness (awareness of your internal and external environment) to let go of stress and be present. It is up to you to find out if they are helpful. It is up to you to see if they make things easier.
This book is about creating new habits. Everything you’ll find here is called a “practice” (a mindfulness practice, a yoga practice, etc.) because each one is something you’ll need to practice before it will work well for you. Each of these techniques will help you build your own internal resiliency. Each one will help you get better at coping with stress and making good choices, no matter “which way the wind is blowing” through your life.
You want to be “the tree that bends”—able to feel rooted and strong but relaxed and flexible in the midst of whatever is happening around you. The key to happiness is being able to be comfortable in this moment, here and now.
How to Use This Book
For the purpose of this book we are going to look at mindfulness, yoga, breathing, and meditation as separate chapters, but of course they overlap. If you ar
e focusing while in a yoga pose, you are using mindfulness (an awareness of your senses), and if you are in seated meditation, you may be paying attention to your breath, etc. It is helpful to look at each practice individually to learn about them, but all of these techniques and tools are pointing you toward the same result: being fully present for whatever is happening in this moment.
Each chapter will focus on specific elements of these ancient practices. The yoga chapter, for example, will outline how to use the physical practice of asana, and the meditation chapter will discuss the seated technique of being aware of thought patterns. There is far more to study and understand about each of the chapters’ practices as well as many other approaches. The resources listed at the end of the book provide more information.
You can read this book straight through and then come back to the exercises that are most interesting to you. Or, you can just turn to any of the chapters and begin there. Each section is designed to give you practical ways to bring all of the benefits of mindfulness into your life. And in the final chapter you’ll find five-day challenges that map out for you ways to pull all of the book’s mindfulness techniques together in your everyday life.
Throughout each chapter there are Try It exercises that give you a way to immediately feel what is being described. There may be concepts in the book that are new to you, but once you do a “Try It,” you will have a firsthand experience. Reading about these techniques is a good place to start, but nothing is better than actually testing how they work for you.
At the end of each chapter is a Tool Kit of helpful exercises. You can go through all of the techniques in the tool kit or pick a few and see how they feel.
Most importantly, have fun with everything you find here. Mindfulness practices sound very quiet and serious, but their purpose is to help you feel relaxed and comfortable and to enjoy the moment!
Try It
Right now. Before you read any further.
Feel all the points where your body is making contact with your chair or your bed (wherever you are reading right now).
Notice the temperature of the air as you take your next breath in and then let it out.
Get still for a moment and start to pay attention to the sounds of the people or anything around you in the room.
Notice how you feel in your body. Is any part of your body tense? Relaxed?
Now take a deep breath in and let a long breath out.
This simple awareness of yourself in the room is enough to shift your mind from a state of distraction to clarity in the moment.
The idea is not to stop thinking—you can’t!—but to be able to pause and notice where you are and how you are feeling. Paying attention to what it is like to sit here right now is a good place to begin.
CHAPTER ONE
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is paying attention to this moment on purpose. It is simply asking the question “What is happening right now?” It is noticing your thoughts, feelings, and the environment without judging any of it as good or bad. It is simply being present with curiosity.
There’s a story about two monks walking from one village to another. They come upon a woman who can’t get past a muddy section of the road. The older monk puts the woman on his back and carries her over the mud. The whole time she is berating him for being too slow and for splashing her. When they get to the other side, he puts her down, and the two monks walk on.
An hour later the older monk asks the younger one why he looks upset.
“That woman was so rude to you,” he answers.
“My friend,” says the older monk. “I put that woman down an hour ago. You are still carrying her.”
As you are reading right now, your brain is processing the information on the page but also moving at light speed through thoughts, feelings, and reactions—some of which have to do with this book and some of which surely do not. It is normal to have a very active mind, but it is important to know how to use it to see what is in front of you. It is easy to be like that second monk: distracted by the past instead of present in the current moment.
The Stress Reaction
It is not surprising that there is a lot going on inside your head. Your brain is the control center for everything. It keeps your heart beating, and it is how you can choreograph a dance, learn Spanish, and cry during a sad movie.
When you get upset, panicked, or angry, your whole body goes into a reaction known as the “fight or flight” response. Your blood pressure rises, your pupils dilate, and your heart rate and breathing speed up. Under stress, the most primitive part of your brain, the brain stem, sends messages to your body to prepare to defend (fight) or retreat to safety (flight). People call that part of the brain the “lizard brain” because its functions are those of basic survival that humans and reptiles share. This area of the brain does not do any of your complex thinking and only cares about one thing: attacking or fleeing when it perceives danger.
This reactive part of your brain does its job well, but it cannot distinguish between real danger and more general worries. Whether you are escaping from a tiger or fretting about a book report that’s due tomorrow, the body responds in a similar way. Even a small amount of stress (something as simple as forgetting something at home, or a moment of feeling awkward or left out) can switch your whole system into survival mode. You can easily respond from your lizard brain whether you’re dealing with big or small challenges.
Maybe you’ve already noticed a shift in your own body when you realize there’s a quiz today or you’re angry about something someone said. Do your arms tense, your palms clench, or does your face feel hot? Maybe there’s a noticeable change in your breathing and heart rate as your body prepares to protect you. That is your “lizard brain” taking control of the situation.
I feel overwhelmed by how much I have to do sometimes. I get worried that I didn’t understand an assignment or I’m going to forget something important, and it makes me feel pain in my shoulders and neck. I also get stomachaches a lot.
—Rebecca, age 14
There are kids at school who pick on the younger kids. Sometimes even my friends do that and I don’t want to be a part of it but I also don’t feel like I can tell them to stop. When that happens it’s hard to catch my breath, my jaw feels really tight, and my whole body feels overworked and exhausted.
—Mateo, age 13
* * *
• • •
These reactions are your brain and body working to keep you safe when sensing a threat, and overall that is a good thing. But studies show that sustained time spent in the fight or flight mode is dangerous for your health. Usually your immune cells function like Pac-Man, searching out disease cells and chomping them before they can multiply. Under stress, the body releases hormones like cortisol, which cause the entire immune system to slow down dramatically so that most of your energy can be channeled to the threat at hand. However, when those immune cells slow down, more disease cells stick around, weakening your system.
The Mindfulness Response
Mindfulness deactivates that stress reaction. It is like giving your whole system a Pac-Man Power Pellet. Using the brain to pay attention to the present has been shown to reduce stress in the mind and body and actually improve your ability to manage challenges. When you can be present and aware of how you are feeling in this moment, your body stops releasing excess hormones and returns to a more balanced state. This response is called “rest and renew,” and it is when your body returns to its natural state of well-being. When we are calm and clearheaded, the parts of our brain that are in charge of emotions (the “mammalian” brain) and thinking (the “human” brain) can function and bring perspective to what is actually going on. (Is there a tiger or are we simply doing challenging homework?)
Bottom line: Mindfulness is a simple way to de-stress and actually improve brain functioning. Students who practice
mindfulness show less anxiety in social and academic situations and report a higher sense of accomplishment and well-being.
The shift from fight or flight to rest and renew is always available. Just one deep breath in and one long breath out can change how you feel mentally and physically. Pausing even for a moment has a profound effect on your ability to respond to your situation. If there is a real issue you need to address, being present will give you the clarity to make the best choice for yourself and others.
Try It
Listening Exercise
For the next thirty seconds you are going to be still and focus on your sense of hearing. (Set a timer if you have one. Otherwise, just estimate. You may want to read through the exercise first.)
Sit comfortably. Place your hands in your lap or on your knees. Close your eyes or look down so that you are less distracted by what you see and can focus on what you hear.
Begin: Pay attention to everything you hear outside of the room: cars, the wind, birds, people. What do you hear that you usually don’t even notice?
Now what do you hear inside the room? Any small noises you couldn’t hear until you were quiet?
Can you hear anything in your own body? Your breathing? Your heartbeat?
Take a deep breath in and let a long breath out. What do you notice?
How do you feel?
Getting quiet and listening is a simple way of pausing to notice where you are. Even in that short time period, your breathing most likely became slower, and your brain and body received the message that there was no need to rev up. There are a lot of benefits to being able to pause, even for thirty seconds, to tune into the moment.
