As advertisers start to reach iGen, we may see a return to the more fact-based ads of the past. Even if appeals stay more visual and emotional, they may be more likely to evoke iGen themes such as safety and security. Advertisers should also move away from appeals based on group conformity and instead emphasize what a product can do for the individual—its convenience, its safety features, the experience it provides. iGen’ers may also turn out to be less enamored with celebrity and fame than Millennials were.
iGen’ers’ shift toward practicality should help them navigate a competitive job market and a sometimes confusing consumer marketplace. Their more realistic view of careers and their greater work ethic should serve them well with managers accustomed to the more demanding Millennials. Yet iGen’ers’ material expectations are still considerable, focused not on the small things one associates with “shopping” but on big things such as houses, vacations, and the latest technology. More than Millennials, iGen’ers understand that they need to work hard and keep their expectations in check to make it in today’s economy. They, more than anyone else, know that their future depends on it.
Chapter 8
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Indefinite: Sex, Marriage, and Children
“Our 20s are meant to be the best years of our lives. The years in which we can be completely selfish, let loose, and ignore the consequences of bad decisions. . . . To be honest, sometimes a long-term relationship can just get in the way of all that fun,” writes Leigh Taveroff on Today’s Lifestyle. Taveroff’s article was titled “8 Reasons Why Relationships in Your 20s Just Don’t Work.”
Not that long ago, the idea that romantic relationships should be avoided until age 30 would have been shocking, even nonsensical, to many people. As recently as the 1990s, most young women married in their early twenties, and many met their eventual husbands when they were still in their teens. Enter iGen’ers, who are taking a path that may permanently redefine adult relationships and families.
Eighteen-year-old Haley, whom we first met in chapter 5, had a boyfriend for six months but has otherwise avoided romantic relationships. “I am very glad I never got into a relationship [before] because I feel like I was able to develop into my own person and [be] independent,” she tells me when we meet for lunch. “I tried to avoid building up emotional reliance on other people. I know a lot of people who started dating really, really young and became emotionally reliant on their boyfriend or girlfriend; now they have to seek that, and they can’t stay single. They can’t learn to be happy with themselves because they’re always looking for that relationship. I think that’s unhealthy. So I think not dating too young is safer, healthier.”
iGen’ers’ drumbeats of growing up slowly, individualism, and safety all manifest themselves in their exceedingly cautious attitude toward relationships. As we saw in chapter 1, iGen’ers are less likely than their predecessors to go out on dates and have sex as high school students, postponing romantic relationships until later. Even college is too early, according to some. “I think it’s not good to be in a relationship at all during college because you need to focus, explore, make money, study [and] spend time with friends,” wrote Harrison, 21. “Being in a relationship at that age makes you feel like you are smothered, brings drama and holds you back from your true potential. I saw a lot of talented people in my age group stop going towards their goals all because of a relationship. You can achieve more by not being in a serious committed relationship. No relationship, no problems.”
With the rise of hookup culture—the twenty-first-century equivalent of a one-night stand—“no relationship” doesn’t necessarily mean “no sex.” So how pervasive is hookup culture, and what does iGen’s sex life really look like?
Sex in the Tinder Generation
In 2015, a Vanity Fair article announced that Tinder and other hookup apps had created a “dating apocalypse.” It was now the norm, it declared, for young people to easily locate multiple sexual partners and avoid committed relationships. “You can’t be stuck in one lane . . . . There’s always something better,” noted one young man. “You can meet somebody and fuck them in 20 minutes,” Brian, 25, told the reporter. “It’s very hard to contain yourself.”
Like most pieces documenting hookup culture, however, the Vanity Fair article was a collection of a few stories—mostly stories of people who hang out in bars. It vividly captured what a certain segment of the generation—the more promiscuous segment—is doing. However, it’s tough to tell from talking to people in bars what the average young person is doing, because those who aren’t as promiscuous aren’t there. The reporter also didn’t think to compare this scene to the bar and nightclub scenes of the 1970s and 1980s, where there was plenty of casual sex going on. To understand average behavior and how it’s changed, it is of course better to rely on nationally representative surveys that compare generations. Fortunately, the General Social Survey has done just that.
It’s true that iGen’ers’ and Millennials’ attitudes toward sex differ from those of young people just a decade before. As late as 2006, about 50% of 18- to 29-year-olds believed that sex between two unmarried adults was “not wrong at all”—about the same as in the 1970s. Then approval of premarital sex shot upward, with 65% of young people in 2016 declaring it “not wrong at all” (see Figure 8.1).
Figure 8.1. Percentage of 18- to 29-year-olds who agree that sex between two unmarried adults and sex between teens 16 or younger is “not wrong at all.” General Social Survey, 1972–2016.
Even sex between young teens (those 16 or younger) became more accepted, with five times as many declaring it “not wrong at all” in 2016 than in 1986. iGen’ers are just less willing to label anything as “wrong”—it’s all up to the individual. And with the average age of marriage rising to people’s late twenties, iGen’ers may find the idea of waiting until they get married to be ridiculous.
With iGen’ers more willing to say it’s just fine that unmarried people, even young teens, can have sex, you’d think they would then exercise this freedom and have sex with more partners. That’s certainly the concern of parents and the assumption of the media—that with rampant Internet porn and a highly sexualized culture, teens are getting busy earlier, and young adults are hooking up with more partners than in the past, thanks to Tinder and online dating.
Yet iGen’ers are not more likely to have sex as teens and young adults; they are less likely. Let’s start with teens. As we saw in chapter 1, iGen high school students are actually less likely to have had sex than their Millennial and GenX counterparts. The trend isn’t due to shifts in ethnic composition—black, white, and Hispanic iGen teens were all less likely to have had sex, with an especially large decline among black teens (see Appendix H). As recently as 2007, the average high school boy had lost his virginity, but after 2009 only a minority of boys (43%) had had sex, along with 39% of girls. This is a reversal of a previous trend toward sex at younger ages: Boomer women born in the 1940s lost their virginity around age 19 on average, but GenX’ers born in the 1970s started having sex around age 17. Then the average age started to tick up again, settling around age 18 for those born in the 1990s.
There’s some speculation that the decline in teen sexual intercourse is due to more oral sex. When Peggy Orenstein interviewed teens for her recent book Girls & Sex, several described oral sex as “nothing . . . it’s not sex” and “a step past making out with someone.” The theme of safety came up again as well. One 18-year-old from suburban Chicago told Orenstein that oral sex “doesn’t have the repercussions that vaginal sex does. You’re not losing your virginity, you can’t get pregnant, you can’t get STDs. So it’s safer.” Of course, that’s not exactly true; sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can be spread through oral sex, just not as easily as through intercourse. Nevertheless, infection rates for STDs fell among teens beginning in 2012—the only age group that saw declines (see Appendix H). Fewer teens having sex equals fewer with STDs.
If sex follows the pattern of a
lcohol use, young adults will make up for their abstinence during high school and indulge just as much as past generations did. Dating apps, which presumably make sex available at the tap of a smartphone, might make that even easier than it used to be.
That might be the popular narrative, but it doesn’t seem to be true. In fact, more young adults are not having sex at all. More than twice as many iGen’ers and late Millennials (those born in the 1990s) in their early twenties (16%) had not had sex at all since age 18 compared to GenX’ers at the same age (6%; see Figure 8.2). A more sophisticated statistical analysis that included all adults and controlled for age and time period confirmed twice as many “adult virgins” among those born in the 1990s than among those born in the 1960s.
Figure 8.2. Percentage of 20- to 24-year-olds who have had no sexual partners since age 18, by birth decades and sex. General Social Survey, 1989–2016.
“I am not sexually active, and I am not looking to be either,” wrote a 19-year-old woman who posted a comment after a Los Angeles Times news story covering these findings. “Relationships with that level of intimacy are distractions.” Another, presumably older, poster responded to her comment with “Distractions from what? Relationships are a part of life.” To iGen’ers, self-focus and the race for economic success are more important, so sex and relationships are “distractions.”
Some iGen’ers mention safety as the reason they have never had sex. “Sex . . . [is] not something I’ve ever sought out and I think that I would be pretty uncomfortable with it unless my partner made me feel safe and reassured,” said Sam, 20, in an article in the Huffington Post. With more iGen’ers feeling lonely, depressed, and uncertain, more may be afraid of the physical and emotional vulnerability of sex.
Of course, if 16% of young adults have not had sex, 84% have had sex. So maybe a growing but small segment is opting out but the average Millennial or iGen’er is having sex with just as many people—or even more, given their reputation for hooking up. If that’s true, they should report having more sexual partners than previous generations.
Except they don’t. Even with age controlled, GenX’ers born in the 1970s report having an average of 10.05 sexual partners in their lifetimes, whereas Millennials and iGen’ers born in the 1990s report having sex with 5.29 partners. So Millennials and iGen’ers, the generations known for quick, casual sex, are actually having sex with fewer people—five fewer, on average. As Figure 8.3 shows, men born in the 1990s had nine fewer partners than those born in the 1970s, and women had about two fewer.
Figure 8.3. Number of sexual partners after age 18 by decade of birth, all adults, controlled for age. General Social Survey, 1989–2016.
Is this due just to the larger number who don’t have sex at all? No—among those who have had at least one sexual partner since age 18, GenX’ers born in the 1970s had 10.67 partners, and Millennials and iGen’ers born in the 1990s had 6.48 partners (after age was controlled). So even among the sexually active, iGen’ers and young Millennials had four fewer sexual partners than GenX’ers.
When I told a group of iGen’ers that their generation was actually less sexually active than previous generations, most didn’t believe me—which isn’t surprising, as young people often overestimate how many of their peers are having sex and the number of partners they’re having it with. But they still came up with some plausible reasons that echo some of iGen’ers’ cardinal traits, especially their concern with safety and their practical outlook. “Teens are being scared into not having sex. When I was in high school the ‘no sex’ propaganda was strong. We watched videos of what diseased genitals looked like, and we heard all the stories about teen moms,” wrote Kristen, 22. “Then that show ‘Teen Mom’ came out, and nobody wanted to be those girls. Their lives were sad and pathetic.” Kristen is right that TV portrayals might have had an impact: one study found that teen births in the United States dropped significantly in the eighteen months following the premiere of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant.
Other iGen’ers mention their fears about sex, specifically sexually transmitted diseases. Tyrone, 20, believes that the decline in sex occurred “because of fear of pregnancy and disease. There’s a bunch of commercials and television shows and stuff trying to teach you a lesson.” Veronica, 20, wrote, “Sex is not something that is taken lightly. We talk more about sexually transmitted diseases and are more aware of what can happen to you when you have a lot of sexual partners.”
The fear of sexual assault—and worse—might also play a role, especially for women. Amelia, 23, has never had sex. “There are just so many risks . . . women in particular are very aware of the dangers in going with a stranger back to their house, and have legitimate concerns as to whether they will even make it out of there alive,” she told the Huffington Post. Previous generations may have had those fears as well, but between today’s constant media barrage and iGen’ers’ interest in safety, the fears have become heightened.
iGen’ers may also have fewer opportunities for sex because they spend so much less time with their peers in person. As we saw in chapter 3, teens are hanging out with their friends and going out less, probably because they are Snapchatting or texting instead. Maybe they are naked Snapchatting or sexting, but they are less likely to take the extra step to be physically together and actually have sex. Sexting can’t get you pregnant, and to many iGen’ers it feels safer. “I would do really graphic sexting in middle and high school or do stripteases on Skype,” one East Coast college student told Peggy Orenstein in Girls & Sex. “I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity, but I loved being the bad girl.”
Internet access might be one of the primary reasons teen pregnancy declined in recent decades. One study found that the teen birthrate dropped significantly after the introduction of broadband Internet in an area, accounting for 13% of the decline in the teen birthrate between 1999 and 2007. That could be due to teens finding more information about birth control online, or it could be due to their communicating electronically instead. The data suggest the latter: birth control use among high school students has changed little (according to the YRBSS), suggesting that the birthrate decline is instead due to fewer teens going all the way. As a Washington Post article on the decline in teen sex put it, “Maybe they’re too busy messing with their iPhones.”
iGen and Millennial young adults may also have fewer opportunities to meet sexual partners. If you’re not a looker, you’ll get swiped left on Tinder even if you can reliably charm potential partners on the next bar stool. With fewer people on those bar stools—and those who are there looking at Tinder on their phones instead of the person next to them—a large group of people gets left out of the sexual scene. At one time, people who weren’t into hooking up or who weren’t conventionally attractive would find each other and get married young. With later marriage now the norm, some are not having sex at all.
Some might be opting out because they don’t want to participate in hookup culture, which is often devoid of romance or even a hint of emotional intimacy. Tulane University student Claudia, 19, told the Washington Post that she wants an “old-fashioned” relationship but most Tulane students are into “very casual one-night stands, going to bars and going home with someone,” which is not what she wants. Some young men these days are very direct about their desires—and that’s often sex without strings attached or even foreplay. “I’ll get a text that says, ‘Wanna fuck?’ ” Indiana University Southeast student Jennifer, 22, told Vanity Fair. “They’ll tell you, ‘Come over and sit on my face,’ ” noted her friend, Ashley, 19. With serious relationships less common among young adults, and hookups the most reliable way to have sex, more young women might be choosing to not have sex at all. “Maybe Netflix has replaced sex?” asked Lucy, 26, in the Huffington Post. “All I know is catching a rare Pokemon is far more satisfying to me than chatting to uninteresting men on a dating app.”
Some men feel the same way. Mark, 20, observed the hookup scene at his high school near Fort Worth, Texas, and decide
d it was not for him. “I was a virgin all the way through high school,” he told me. “I saw all of the drugs and sex and I decided I’d never try to get into somebody’s pants.” Instead he waited to have sex until he met a young woman he was interested in as a long-term partner. After their first date went well, for their second date he decided “to upgrade to Olive Garden, a more fancy restaurant, a sit-down place, so we could really get to know one another.” Soon afterward, he met her father, and a week later his parents met hers (“And all the parents like each other, which is a first for me”). Mark and his girlfriend first had sex when they had been dating for six months and plan on getting married when they are older. Mark is not alone: when the sociologist Lisa Wade interviewed more than a hundred college students for her book American Hookup, she found that most wanted a committed relationship. But many found that the only way to have sex on their campuses was through hookups, so they opted out.
Generation Porn
There’s another possible reason for the decline in sexual activity that at first seems paradoxical: the easy accessibility of pornography online. As the musical Avenue Q charmingly put it, “The Internet Is for Porn.”
More people are viewing pornography; one study found that for young adult men, watching a porn video in the last year went from a minority experience in the 1970s to a majority one by the 2010s. Even teens and children were watching porn—often after stumbling across it online. As early as 2005, 42% of 10- to 17-year-olds said they had seen some online pornography in the last year, two-thirds of them unwittingly.
iGen Page 20
