by Lilly Wilder
“You have to tell Zarael and me what to do,” I say those words quickly, like peeling off a band aid. There’s no point thinking too much. “You need to tell us exactly how we can help Isabel.”
“Well,” Theron still sounds a little confused. I know he’s not used to being the one in charge, but he’ll have to make it work. “We all need to help her. We need to help her get it out of her, in her own words. We need to be there for her, so she is sure that she is safe.”
“That doesn’t sound that difficult,” I say.
“That’s just common sense. It’s just like treating a physical wound. You figure out what happened, so you know exactly how to treat it. It’s not the same if it’s a gunshot wound or a knife wound, right?”
“Right.”
“Then, you treat it. Stop the bleeding. Disinfect. Put on whatever is needed for the wound to be sterile and closed. It’s the same with mental wounds. That sounds a bit stupid, but you know what I mean. You find out what happened, which in this case, we already know. Then, we treat it. We help her come to terms with it. Victims usually feel like it’s partly their fault. We need her to realize and accept that this is in no shape or form her fault. When she starts accepting that, we’re on our way. The key here is for her to feel safe, protected. That’s what we’re here for.”
“You know I’d do anything to protect her,” I tell him and I bite my tongue. That sounds too personal. Will he know? If he recognizes anything, he doesn’t say it. For that, I’m grateful.
“We all would,” he just adds. “That’s why the three of us are staying. Zarael told me about their meetings by the lake and it seems that she accepted him into her close circle, just like she’s accepted you and me.”
“Anything else we can do?”
“Accept the fact that it may take time,” he adds. “We keep her line of communication with her family open.”
“What if they want to come here?” I suddenly remember. We can’t have other humans running around here, especially now that our relationship with Leo is cracking, which might lead to trouble.
“We’ll have to tell her everything.”
“Everything?”
“Yes,” Theron nods. “We bare ourselves.”
I couldn’t resist chuckling.
“You used that word on purpose, admit it,” I tell him, punching his shoulder playfully.
“That was the first one that popped to mind and I guess I can be funny sometimes, too,” he smiles at me. “But you get what I’m trying to say. We tell her. I hope there won’t be a need to show her.”
I sigh. I know exactly what he means. I wanted us to go not simply because there are contracts and deliveries to be made, but also because of Leo and his guys who are probably coming up with an attack plan as we speak. They know where we are. I’m sure of that. Thor didn’t crack his own neck. So, being here, just the four of us, isn’t my favorite option. However, if it’s best for Isabel, then we’ll make it work. I know both Theron and Zarael agree. I don’t even need to ask them.
“If Leo attacks, we’ll be ready,” I assure him. “Don’t worry about that.”
“That won’t be good for Isabel’s recovery,” Theron shakes his head and I know he’s right. But there’s nothing I can do.
“She won’t get hurt,” I tell him. “We won’t let that happen.”
Theron gazes into my eyes, but he doesn’t say anything. I know I can trust him with my own life and that is enough to follow this plan.
Chapter 21
“It’s the strangest thing,” I tell Zarael, as we’re sitting in Theron’s shack, a place I thought I wouldn’t be seeing again for a very long time, if ever. “I just can’t explain it.”
“Are you in any physical pain?” he asks me gently, as he sits opposite me.
Between us is a wobbly little table, which stands balanced out thanks to a little piece of folded paper that keeps it aligned. It usually has cups filled with tea or coffee, but today, it’s empty. It’s all nicely cleared up. Come to think of it, the whole place is spotless. I’m surprised how neat and orderly Theron is, even though that’s more or less what I expected of him. He thrives on order.
“No, not really,” I shake my head. “It’s difficult to explain this feeling.” I sigh, trying to come up with the right comparison. “I guess it’s like a very dangerous roller coaster. You’re on it and it starts moving. Everything is fine, you know? Then, it starts to accelerate. It’s going faster and faster, and you can still convince yourself that it’s OK, you’re doing fine. Then, you reach the top and your whole world turns upside down. You’re plummeting, getting dizzier by the minute, you feel nauseous, you feel horrible, you want to rip your own skin and jump out of it, because you feel like it’s not your skin anymore. But, the ride goes on and you get worse and worse, you’re unable to get off and all you can do is scream and close your eyes and you try to grip something that isn’t moving, something that’s stable, but there’s nothing stable, because the whole world is moving. And, it just goes on and on, getting worse and worse, until you can’t take it anymore and your own body shows you mercy by just switching off at some point.” I finish my monologue quickly, out of breath.
Zarael doesn’t say anything. I don’t really expect him to. Then, all of a sudden, he says something that makes me think.
“You know the difference between danger and fear?”
I frown for a second. Fear is something that holds you back. Fear is something that controls you, that paralyzes you. If you let it in, it becomes your master. The color of the world disappears and everything turns grey. Those are the thoughts inside my mind when he asks. And danger? Well, danger is a specific situation, a specific person.
“One is a particular moment when something tangible happens and the other is your own reaction to it?” I reply, but more in the form of a question. I’m not even sure what kind of an answer he is asking for. But this is what I’ve got.
“You’re actually very close,” he replies with a smile. “I love the way your brain works. Danger is very real, it’s something out of your own confines, it depends mostly on the world around you. But fear, that is something you choose to feel. You allow it to creep inside of you and you let it take over.”
As I’m listening, I honestly feel like he’s taken a peek into my mind and saw all this, just before I replied to his question. I smile back, feeling a special moment between the two of us. But, the reality of our situation quickly brings me down to earth.
“I’m just sorry I ruined everyone’s plans,” I look down, slumping my shoulders. I feel the urge to cry again, but is there really a point in crying? It won’t help anyway. And, it just makes me feel even sadder, almost helpless.
“What makes you think that?” he looks at me in surprise.
“Well, Dex said you’ve got plans and now that you guys can’t go, I feel like I have ruined everything.”
“I doubt that,” he tells me honestly. “Dex’s plans are rarely ruined. He always finds a way to do exactly what he wants, or in this case, what he planned, so I wouldn’t worry if I were you. I’d just focus on getting better.”
At that moment, Theron barges in through the door. I try to read his eyes, the look on his face, but he is good. That poker face isn’t revealing anything. He enters through the door, leaving it open, then walks over to us and pushes another chair close to the table, so that now all three of us are sitting together. Both me and Zarael are waiting for him to speak first. Theron takes a deep breath, scratches the back of his head and then exhales loudly, even though it doesn’t look like it brought him much relief.
“Everything OK?” Zarael breaks the silence of a few seconds, unable to wait.
“Yeah, the others just left,” Theron replies, as we both listen intently. “Dex told Dean to take over and he took the rest of them back on the road. The three of us are staying to watch over Isabel.”
When he mentions my name, a thousand little goosebumps r
un a race up and down my body. So, it’ll be just the four of us here, all alone? The thought of love island comes to me and it’s hard for me to suppress my smile. Despite everything, my mind still seems alert and more than willing to offer me a glimpse of what it might feel like to taste any of these three beautiful bikers. It’s hard to shoo these thoughts away, but finally, they let me be and I can think straight again.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper, feeling guilty. “I’m so sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” Theron assures me.
“Of course, there is,” I shake my head. “I never should have been here in the first place. Me and my stupid plans. So, not only have I screwed up my own life, but I managed to take you guys down with me.”
“Take us down? Come on,” Zarael interferes. “You think my mom would ever forgive me if I saw a girl being attacked and I didn’t try to save her?”
“Same here,” Theron raises his right hand, like a school boy admitting to wrongdoing.
“You guys are just saying that to be nice and I appreciate that, I really do. Bu, I know the truth. It would have been better if you guys had never met me.”
“I can assure you that’s not true,” Theron corrects me. “I’m sure Zarael feels the same.” Zarael just nods in confirmation.
“You’d be on the road now if it wasn’t for me,” I continue.
“The road will always be there,” Theron tells me. “But you… you are something else.”
I glance quickly at Zarael, as if he might feel a little awkward to find himself in the middle of this, but there is no awkwardness on his face, only a smile of understanding.
“You know what Confucius said?” Zarael adds and I’m grateful for the distraction, because I’m not sure how I would have answered Theron. I mean, what can one say to that? “He said that roads were made for journeys, not destinations.”
“Alright, philosopher,” Theron grins at him and this is the first time I see this playful banter in him.
“What?” Zarael chuckles, shrugging his shoulders. “I’m just trying to tell her that life is filled with unpredictable paths and you never know where you’ll end up. You don’t even need to be on the road to be on a journey.”
“How’s that connected to anything we’re talking about here?” Theron asks again and I can see that they’ve entered a little verbal match, trying to outdo one another. It’s actually amusing, almost like two little mice trying to prove whose tail is longer.
“I was saying that maybe she’s our journey,” Zarael says that, but the moment the words are out, he realizes it probably didn’t come out as he intended it. I’m chuckling now, too. It’s obvious they both mean well and their good cheer is contagious. “We’re supposed to help her,” Zarael adds.
“Why don’t you stop with the quotes, Confucius?” Theron raises an eyebrow and I burst out into loud laughter, bending over. The two of them join in and for a brief moment, none of us feels like we’re stuck here because of some lady who’s gone crazy. It almost feels like a friendly get together and I appreciate their effort in making me feel like that.
“You guys are awesome, you know that?” I smile at both of them.
Both my hands reach out to Theron and Zarael and we’re now sitting all around this little table, holding hands, like we’re about to hold a séance. Only, there’s no ghost to bring forth. The ghost is already awake and it’s inside of me.
“We both want you to know that you can talk to us about anything,” Theron grows a little more serious. “Dex, too. I know he looks a bit rough on the edges and he sometimes is. He definitely sometimes is, but I saw what he did to that guy who hit you. He wanted to rip him apart. He wanted to kill him. I have no idea how he managed to prevent himself from doing that, but he left the guy barely alive. That says much about him. He usually can’t control his temper and he doesn’t care about it one bit. But, with you… it’s different. He is really trying and I think Zarael can agree with me here, that Dex hasn’t tried this much around someone in a long time.”
I swallow heavily as I hear Theron talk about Dex. I don’t know exactly what happened and how they saved me. All I remember are little snippets and my memory is hazy. If Dex did all that, I would like him to tell me about it. But I doubt I’d ever approach him and ask him to do it. I would like him to do it on his own accord, without being prompted to it.
“So, just know we’re here for you,” Theron finalizes. “I’m no doctor and especially not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I know that talking helps. When something horrible happens to you, the only way to get it out of your system is to talk about it. Accept that it happened. Don’t try to sweep it under the carpet.”
I momentarily let go of both of them, pulling my hands back to myself, as if I got electrocuted slightly. My eyes glaze, I feel that panic coming on again, as if there’s not enough oxygen in the air. Slowly, I close my eyes and try to take a deep breath. I can’t even think about D… that guy. I don’t want to say his name. I don’t want to try to remember what he did to me. I just want to forget.
“I know you just want to forget,” Theron suddenly says, as if he has access to the deepest corners of my subconscious, but I know it’s not that. He simply understands me. He understands fear. “But, that way, you will still remain a slave to your trauma. You will be crippled. You won’t be your own person, because it will take hold of you, little by little.”
“I can’t…” I whimper. “When I close my eyes, I sometimes see him. I see his hand raised to me. I see that girl who jumped…”
“What girl?” Zarael asks and I see that same curiosity in Theron’s eyes. I haven’t told them about the girl who will forever remain nameless, whose child will probably never find out what happened to his mother. That knowledge is still a heavy burden on my soul and I doubt I will ever be rid of it.
“There was a girl with me,” I start slowly, whispering in the beginning. “She… she tried to run away and I followed.”
“She jumped out of the van?” Zarael’s questions echoes in the room.
I wonder if they have any sisters, any wives, any women who are crucial in their lives. They say there is no sibling bond like that between a brother and a sister. My sister and I are close, but it’s more of a friendly kind of closeness. We’ve always shared clothes, we trusted each other with our deepest secrets, we cried on each other’s shoulders. But, when it comes to protection, she isn’t the one I’d expect it from. I would expect it from a brother, from a boyfriend, from a partner. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up as a sister to these men. How protective they would be. How loving. How caring. I smile at the thought.
“No,” I shake my head, not realizing that I’m smiling. It’s an eerie smile, almost frightening, like the smile of a person who is walking that thin line between madness and sanity. “We ran away from the two men and D… and the guy ran after us. We were running for a long time. I remember being tired, so tired that I could barely keep myself standing, but I kept on going. I knew if I stopped, that would be it. He would probably kill me. So, I kept on running, pain cutting through me like a sharp knife with every breath I took. And, all the while, this girl was in front of me. I didn’t want to lose sight of her. It’s not that I wanted her to protect me. I mean, how could she? She was in the same messed up situation as I was. But she was my light in the darkness. I felt that if I lost her, I would lose myself. So, I kept running after her, hoping that she somehow knew the way, even though that was crazy to expect. We were both brought here, in the middle of nowhere. Of course, neither of us knew where we were or how to get out of there. She just kept on running, until there was nowhere else to run to.” My voice trails off here and I know I need to continue my story and tell them what happened. They need to know. It’s just hard. It’s so hard.
“Just, take your time,” Theron tells me, his soothing voice helping. “You can tell us later what happened, if it’s easier.”
&n
bsp; “No,” I interrupt him. “I want to tell you. It’s just… difficult…” I breathe heavily, like there’s a heavy rock placed on my chest. “We reached the end of the path. The edge… it was a cliff. A high cliff. I didn’t look down. I… I was a bit further away. She reached the edge. And then, she turned around. She saw him first. I didn’t need to turn around. I knew he was there just by seeing the look on her face. He caught up with us and he was about to take us back to the van. I didn’t take my eyes off of her. I couldn’t. I wanted to be by her side, but I was frozen in place. I couldn’t move. I just kept on watching. The girl… her hair was floating in the wind. She was bathing in the sun. I… I had no idea she was going to do that. She had something in her hand. Something I later realized was a photo. She said to tell her son that she loves him. And then, she jumped. I think I didn’t hear her fall. I couldn't have, right? But now, I think my mind created a sound for it. It’s like I needed to hear her fall, to hear that she did escape, at least in that way. I wanted to be sure that she died, that she didn’t suffer. But I didn’t dare look down. The guy… he pulled me by the elbow. He cursed. He spat. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get so mad. We got back to the van and that’s where it happened.”
