“Bella.” I had an urge to kiss her like Prince Charming did to Snow White. Or was it Sleeping Beauty? Maybe it was both. But I resisted and instead gently took Lily from her. Still tired, Lily dropped her head on my shoulder.
Bella’s eyes popped open and she jerked as if startled.
“I’m sorry I scared you. It’s time to go.”
She rubbed her eyes and looked a little disoriented. Then she checked her watch. “I’m sorry I fell asleep.”
“It’s fine. You’re going to feel tired.” I didn’t mention that I knew about the fatigue of pregnancy because of Joanna’s experience.
She nodded as she sat up. She looked at me holding Lily who wasn’t asleep but rested her head on my shoulder. Bella’s expression turned sad. I wondered if she felt like the third wheel now.
“We can wait and I’ll walk down with you,” I said standing to give her room.
“That’s okay. I don’t want to hold you up.”
I frowned. Was she going to try and avoid me from now on? “I’ll wait.”
She nodded and got up to get her bag and together we walked to the elevator to leave.
“We need to talk, Bella.”
“I know, but we have time, right?”
My jaw clenched in annoyance. “I want to be involved now. I have rights.” I glanced at Lily. I wasn’t ready for her to know about the baby, but I really needed to make Bella understand my intentions.
She looked at me. “Is that how you feel really? Or is it out of obligation?”
“What does it matter? I plan to be involved and don’t appreciate being ignored. I get that you don’t want to be with me, and I’ll respect that, but I won’t be left out.”
She inhaled deeply and turned to look at the elevator door. “I know. And I will. It’s just all so new. I’m still processing.”
“You don’t need to do it alone.”
Her lips quivered and it reminded me just how alone she was.
“Bella.” I reached out and touched her shoulder. “Really. You won’t do this alone.”
She sniffed and gave a short nod. The doors opened and we headed out through the lobby to the street.
“Let us give you a ride home,” I said.
“You don’t—”
“Jesus, Bella, are you going to fight me on everything?”
“I want Bella to come with us,” Lilly said lifting her head.
With another breath, Bella agreed. I tried not to show my frustration that she’d only come with us because Lily asked and not me.
In the car, Lily carried most of the conversation until we reached Bella’s apartment. As I looked at the building and remembered the size of her place, I realized she’d need more room. Maybe I could ask her to come live with us. At the very least, I’d need to help her get a place with a doorman. I didn’t bring it up now knowing she’d balk.
As we pulled away from dropping Bella off, Lily moved to the seat next to me and looked out the window. “Why can’t she come home with us?”
“Because she lives here.” I reached over and pulled her from the window. “You need to sit.”
“But she’s all by herself. Won’t she get lonely?” Lily sat in her seat, her sweet little face looking up at me.
“She seems to like being alone.”
It bothered me that she was by herself in the world, but maybe she did like it like that. It wasn’t as if she didn’t have the social skills and resources to get out and meet people. She’d need help now, but apparently, she didn’t want it from me. Well too bad.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
Lily’s face scrunched up into thought. It made me smile because it was adorable.
“We could be her family, Daddy.”
I stiffened. Hadn’t I offered her that?
“She could be my new mommy.”
“No!”
Lily’s eyes widened at my sharp tone.
I reined my anger in. “You have a mommy, sweetheart. I know she’s not here, but nothing will change that she’s your mommy and loved you so very much.”
Lily scooted away from me and toward the door of the car.
“I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to sound mad. It just makes me sad that you don’t remember your mom.” I reached for her, needing her forgiveness. She let me pull her into my lap where I held her close.
“Bella doesn’t have a mommy either.”
“I know.” Perhaps that’s why Bella was so good with Lily. She knew what it was like to not have a mother. There clearly was something about Bella that had drawn Lily to her. I hadn’t ever seen Lily take to anyone outside the family the way she had to Bella. Of course, Bella had that same pull on me.
In that instant, I wanted Bella with us too. I hated that she was alone in her apartment. That she was going to try to have this baby with minimal help from me.
I could understand her need for time to adjust. I was reeling from the news too. And pissed off that Bella had so easily dismissed me. Whether she liked it or not, we were having a baby, and we needed to prepare.
I’d have to tell the company board, and hope to hell they didn’t try to oust me for sleeping with my assistant. I could already picture their faces etched with worry about some sort of sexual harassment lawsuit, especially since she was pregnant. Or maybe they’d worry my knocking up Bella would hurt the company’s image since the business was my late wife’s idea. But, Jesus, wasn’t I allowed happiness? My wife was dead and I missed her every damn day, but did I have to live the rest of my life like a monk?
The more difficult task would be in telling Patsy and Jim. Would they see my affair with Bella as a slap in the face for the same reasons? It could hurt the company Joanna and I worked so hard to build. Plus, it suggested I wasn’t devoted to Joanna anymore, which wasn’t true. But I was tired of alternating between being numb or sad. With Bella, I experienced joy, emotionally as well as physically. She was the sunshine in a life that had become one long cloudy day. Perhaps that’s how it was for Lily too.
When I got home, I heated up the dinner Mrs. Douglas had left us and after eating it, Lily and I played until bedtime. Then I called Patsy and Jim and told them I wanted to meet with them soon. They agreed to come over the following night and asked if they could take Lily to the Hamptons over the weekend. I agreed, thinking it would give me time to figure out a plan for how to deal with Bella.
The next day at work, I went through my day as normal, including how I interacted with Bella. I didn’t bring up the baby or anything personal. Our interactions were strictly work-related, and if I wasn’t mistaken, she seemed relieved by that, which only irritated me.
That evening, Patsy and Jim came over for dinner. After dinner, when Lily went to her room to play, I shored up my strength to tell them about Bella.
“I need to talk to you,” I said as they sat on the couch. I looked back toward Lily’s room to make sure she wasn’t able to hear me.
“Is everything okay?”
I noted Patsy’s worried tone. The last time I had a serious talk with them, I was with Joanna and we were sharing the news of her terminal cancer.
“No one is sick,” I assured her.
Relief showed on both of their faces.
I sat in the chair across from the couch. “I was seeing someone.”
Patsy and Jim looked at each other and then me, but I couldn’t decipher their thoughts about it.
“It’s over, but… well… she’s pregnant.”
Patsy arched a brow.
“There are ways to prevent that, you know,” Jim said, disappointment clear on his face.
I felt like a sixteen-year-old and not the forty-year-old who should have known better. “The point is…” I actually didn’t know that point. I had to let them know about the baby, but beyond that, I hadn’t thought things through. “I’m going to be involved.”
“Are you getting married?” Jim asked.
“He said they’re not together anymore,” Pat
sy reminded Jim.
“I offered to marry her, but she turned me down.” I rubbed my hand over my chest where underneath my heart burned.
Patsy pursed her lips, clearly disapproving of me. “Gee, how nice of you, Blake.”
Jim looked at her. “Why are you talking to him like that? He’s trying to do the right thing.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s the twenty-first century. You don’t need marriage to raise a child.” She turned her attention to me. “What I don’t understand is why you’re offering to marry her out of duty instead of just telling Bella that you love her.”
I choked. “How do you know it’s Bella?”
“One, because you invited her to Lily’s party—”
“You did that.”
“And two, Lily says she saw you kiss Bella when she left.”
Shit.
“Bella?” Jim looked at his wife. “She’s half his age.”
“Jim, stop being such a fuddy-duddy. Bella is a smart, attractive woman. And she’s an adult.” She turned to me. “So, why don’t you tell her how you feel?”
I wasn’t sure what was stranger; Patsy not being upset about my relationship with Bella, or her insisting I was in love with her.
“I care about her, but I don’t love her. Joanna was it for me.”
Patsy’s eyes turned soft and started to water. “Honey, no one doubts your love for Joanna. But she’s gone.”
I stood, not wanting to talk to my in-laws about Joanna being gone.
“Blake. She’d be thrilled about you and Bella and even the baby.”
“Stop.” I wanted to put my hands over my ears so I didn’t have to listen to this, which was ridiculous.
“Why? You know it’s true. She told you so herself.” Patsy stood and came over to me. “What’s really going on here, Blake?”
“Joanna was my world. Now Lily is my world. That’s all I want. All I need.”
“Then why were you sleeping with Bella?” she asked, her tone more forceful.
“A man’s got needs, Patsy,” Jim said.
She glared at Jim before turning to me. “He’s right, but you’ve spent the last few years denying your needs. And I don’t mean just your physical ones, Blake. You’re afraid to love. You’re afraid to live. You’ve passed that on to Lily—”
I whirled on her. “Don’t you dare say that Lily doesn’t live!”
She didn’t flinch. “You’re a wonderful father, Blake, but she takes her cues from you.” She pressed her palms to my cheeks. “I love you, Blake. I love how you loved my daughter. Her life was short, but it was filled with more love than most people have in a lifetime. She’d hate to see you like this.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.” I pulled away.
“You have so much love in you still Blake. Why aren’t you giving it?”
“Maybe Bella doesn’t want it,” Jim suggested.
“I doubt that,” Patsy said. “A woman doesn’t go to a child’s birthday party or spend time with a man and his daughter unless she feels something for him.”
“It wasn’t like that between us.” I went to the window, hating the confusing whirl of emotions Patsy was rousing in me.
Patsy laughed. “Oh honey, you can tell yourself that, but it’s not true.”
I bit the inside of my lip holding back a roar of anger.
“For the last few years, you’ve avoided women, didn’t need their companionship or touch.”
Jesus, was my mother-in-law going to talk to me about sex?
“You can’t tell me that the one woman you finally gave in to doesn’t mean anything to you.”
“I didn’t say she meant nothing. I just don’t love her. Not like Joanna.”
“Well of course not like Joanna. We love everyone differently. My love for Jim is different than my love for you and Lily, but it’s still just as intense. And it’s necessary to my happiness. Loving Bella doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten Joanna.”
I didn’t realize I had tears in my eyes until Patsy wiped one away.
“I betrayed her.”
“No, honey. You honor her when you live. When you share what’s in this big heart of yours.” Patsy patted my chest.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I don’t think I can.”
“Why?”
I shrugged.
“Because you’re afraid of losing someone again?” Patsy gently asked.
The clarity her words brought was like a hit on the head. Had I been using the idea that I’d betrayed my wife as a way to avoid living and loving? The idea of losing someone I loved again was something I couldn’t bear. How would I survive it? Surely, it was better to avoid that type of love.
“Losing Joanna devastated us all. But if we lived in fear of that loss again, we wouldn’t be good grandparents to Lily or surrogate parents to you.”
I dug the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to force myself to get my shit together.
“Blake.” Patsy took my hands in hers. “Do you love Bella?”
“She’s great with Lily.”
“That’s not what I asked. How do you feel about her?”
I bit my lip, afraid the truth would come out. “I think she’s amazing. Smart, sweet…”
“Blake. How did it feel when she turned your marriage idea down?”
“Like a knife through my heart.”
“Well if that’s not love, I don’t know what is,” Jim said.
Patsy smiled and pulled me in her arms. She didn’t say any more, but she didn’t have to. She helped me see what I was doing wrong and now had given me a path, and permission, to move forward.
“I thought you’d be upset,” I said when I pulled away.
“No. I’ll admit, it might be hard to see another woman have what Joanna wanted, but we also know that Joanna wanted you to be happy. Even with a new woman. We want that for you too.”
“Jesus… I am in love with her.”
Patsy laughed. “Yes. You are. Now, what are you going to do about it?”
What I had to do about it was to talk to Bella. I had to tell her how I was feeling and that I wanted to be a part of her and the baby’s life. But there was one more thing I had to do before I could tell her that.
Realizing I’d fallen for Bella didn’t immediately alleviate the emotional attachment to my wife or my guilt. But I knew that if I was going to have a future with Bella, I had to deal with my feelings about Joanna. Which was why early on Saturday morning, with Lily off with her grandparents, I found myself at my wife’s gravesite.
I set the flowers I bought on her grave, wiping away the leaves and other debris. I straightened and studied her gravestone.
Joanna Alexander. Loving Daughter, Wife, Mother.
“Promise me, Blake, that you’ll live. Don’t be afraid to love again too.”
“How can you ask me to do that?”
“Because you have so much love to give and you shouldn’t be alone. Because I want you to be happy.”
“You want me to be with another woman?”
She laughed weakly. “Not right now, no. But someday, yes. I’ll be gone. I can’t bear that you’ll be alone.”
“I’ll have Lily and your folks.”
She gave me a pointed look. “What about romance? Intimacy? Sex?”
“I don’t need it.”
“Blake. Everyone needs it. And you will too. Maybe not for a while, but don’t turn your back on a good woman. I want you to be loved. I want you to live and do all the things we planned.”
Ultimately, I promised her I’d love and live, but only to appease her. I felt guilty about that too. Fuck. Everything all of my memories of Joanna involved guilt. She’d hate that. If there was a heaven, she was there shaking her head in disappointment.
“You must wish you could knock me upside the head,” I said to her gravestone. “I’ve been fucked up, Jo.”
I squatted down as if that would get me closer to her. “I’ve met a woman. She... she bewitched me.” I la
ughed. “You’d have loved that. Watching me scramble to get control of what I couldn’t control.” I wiped a stray tear. “I love her. I never thought I’d love again. I guess you knew better. You always did.”
I paused, even though there would be no reply.
“Her name is Bella. Christ, she’s nearly half my age. You’re probably laughing your ass off about that too. But she’s smart. She’s the reason we’re about to ship our product to France, just like you wanted. And she’s wonderful with Lily. Lily is taken with her too.”
I tilted my head to the side in thought. “I don’t suppose you sent her our way?” I didn’t believe in the paranormal or angelic intervention, and yet if Joanna could influence things from wherever she was, I could see her doing so, especially if I wasn’t doing what she wanted.
“She’s pregnant.” I inwardly scoffed at myself. How did a forty-year-old man accidentally knock someone up? “I plan to be with her, if she’ll have me. I think you’d like her, Jo. She’s strong and doesn’t put up with my bullshit. But it’s hard because we, you and me, we were supposed to be together forever. I hate that you’re not here to see how Lily has grown and the success of our business. But you are gone. It’s been a miserable life without you. Until Bella. I need to grab on to her, Jo. For me and Lily. I know you understand. I know this is what you wanted.”
I straightened. The logical part of me knew this exercise was for me and not for her. But I hoped she heard me and understood. Knowing her, she was probably saying, “It’s about damn time.”
“I love you, honey.” I pressed my hand to the tombstone for a moment. Then I backed away as I made the move to stop living in my grief and grab onto life.
19
Bella
Normally, I really liked my job and rarely knew what to do with myself during my off time. But I had to admit that I was glad when the weekend came. I needed a respite from Blake. I was glad he was eager to be a part of the baby’s life but also felt heartbroken that his devotion didn’t extend to me. It made it difficult to be around him.
I had two days to be alone and figure out what I wanted to do. Should I look for a new job in spite of his very good arguments for why I should stay at JoXander? Did I need to make plans to get a bigger place and if so, where would I go? I couldn’t afford a larger apartment in the city. Blake would probably help financially with housing, and while it was his baby too, I found it hard to think about taking money from him.
Beautiful Mistakes: Contemporary Romance Boxset Books 1-4 Page 53
