“Apparently brother love was popular, too.”
“Shit. I didn't particularly like writing that one. But it was a massive hit, so what are you gonna do? It’s not like they had sex together.” I shrugged.
“I can't believe you're so calm about this. You, the one who is so conservative and morally rigid.”
“And you're the one who drags me to church every Sunday. It’s a wonder that God doesn’t smite me the minute I walk through the doors. Some of the stories I come up with when we’re sitting in church...”
“Don't even go there. Now I won't be able to look you in the face when we're in our pew.”
“Well... you asked. So now you know what I mean when I wiggle my eyebrows at you in the church. That’ll be our inside joke.”
We ended our conversation for the night. I gave him virtual hugs and kisses. It was lonely when the screen went blank. I curled up in his massive bed and would wake up tangled in his sheets.
I knew one thing for sure in the world: Mark would get back from his trip and he was going to be needy. He’d want to be around me all day and try to make me feel like the most special person in the whole world.
That's the kind of partner I’d always wanted. I’d dreamt about it so fiercely—fantasized about it. And this was what I ended up with.
Pretty damn good, if you ask me.
I SPENT THE NEXT DAY working with my team—we were productive, but I still felt out of sorts. That Friday night, instead of going out to a bar like Mark would have, I decided to invite myself over to Suhail and Melanie's new apartment.
Suhail opened the door. “Where's Melanie?” I asked, looking around.
“She's out shopping. She'll be back in half an hour. What's up?”
“Just wondering how the move was going. And maybe I could get some input from you on the recent iteration of our app.”
“You aren't dragging me into that,” he threatened.
“Okay, okay. But I know you're curious. And I just want to show you. No strings attached.” I glanced down at my shoes. “And anyway, I really came over ‘cause I'm feeling lonely with Mark gone. But you probably could have guessed that. You know how I am.”
“You’re the neediest person I've ever met.”
“Am not.” I may have put up a fight, but it was all for show and we could both see through my dishonesty. “Okay... let's talk about your problems. Not mine. Let's act like a couple manly men for a change.” I used a gruff voice. “How's the move going, bro?”
“For one thing, manly men wouldn't talk about their emotions. We should talk about sports.”
“I hate sports BS.”
“Yeah, let's cut through the bullshit.” He laughed sadly. “Actually, I'm having a rough time...” The confession seemed to catch him off guard, but then he took a deep breath and plowed ahead. “It feels strange to be here with her. It’s like I look at her every once in a while and realize that I've only known her for a few months, really. But here I am getting serious. Am I going too fast or what?”
“Does it feel bad or good?”
“It feels great, obviously. We go out all the time. She’s a lot of fun. We get each other.”
“Don't let her pay for everything,” I advised. “You’ll have to fight to pay half even though she probably has more money.”
“Dude, I pay for everything. I'm the man in the relationship.”
Fuck you, Suhail. “Oh... sometimes Mark just pays for things. I can't stop him.”
“That's cuz you're the woman, dude.”
“Fuck you.”
He laughed loudly. “Mark told me to steer the conversation in that direction if I ever wanted to shake you off my tail.”
“Why would Mark tell you that? He'll be in the doghouse when he gets home. He's sleeping on the couch for sure. He knows I hate that kind of talk. I’m actually shocked to hear it come out of your mouth.”
“He knew you were going to be pestering me to work for you.”
Work with us. “I've been trying for months. What else is new?”
“Nothing’s changed. It’s a show of solidarity between the two of us. I really value having Mark on my side. He's a good guy.”
“Yeah, I know. So much for having him all to myself. I was going to suggest that if you needed some space from Melanie you could use my room in the apartment. Not like I'm going to be using it now that I’ve got Mark.”
“Are you having problems with moving in with Mark?”
“Nope,” I said simply. “It feels right and it makes me happy. Does living with Melanie make you happy?”
“I don't know... it’s a lot of stress,” he answered honestly. “I wish it felt right and I know it should feel right because I love being with her. But it just doesn’t. Shit, I want this to work out so bad.” He nodded once to himself. “But it feels like we're taking things too fast. What's the next step after this? Marriage? And then there's my parents. They’d freak if they knew I moved in with an unwed woman. They haven't found out about us yet. I'm actually afraid to tell them.”
“You just called me a woman so you can deal with this on your own.” I stormed out of his apartment and left him hanging. It was a joke at first, but when he didn’t come after me, I just kept walking. Who was he to talk about me behind my back and to make secret pacts with my boyfriend so that my bulletproof persuasive techniques would fail?
I'll show them. I'll show them all.
Suhail called me as I exited the complex.
“You can be so dramatic sometimes, you know that?” he accused, like a scandalized virgin from a Victorian novel who places her fluttering fan over her forehead.
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
“Are you really making your bedroom available to me?”
“I don't see why not. If I ever need some space from Mark, there's always the guest bedroom. I don't intend to sleep anywhere but in his bed. You could even take our guest room in Mark's apartment if you wanted to move upscale. But you’d have to deal with a lot of mushy cuddles from your roommates.”
“Yeah... I'm not up for that. Plus, I don't think Mark would take too kindly to me cramping your style.”
“Mark doesn't care. He loves to show off.” Plus, when I want something from Mark... I get it.
“Yeah he does.” Suhail went silent. “Maybe I'll think about it for a minute.”
“No rush. Right now I'm using it as a temporary base to stay connected with our team. Travis and Nick are the node of our operations.”
“Yeah...” he muttered, like he was distracted. Or like maybe I had finally worn him down and he realized that if he moved back into his old apartment, he would definitely be sucked into our company.
“The offer will stand until I fill the room. Maybe I'll keep it open indefinitely. I kind of like having a work space of my own, away from Mark’s place. But if you're having second thoughts about your current living arrangement, then you need to get to the bottom of it. Find the root cause.”
“I hear you, man. I hear you. I don't know what's going on with me. Maybe I'm just getting the jitters because this is such a big step.”
“It doesn't feel like a big step with me,” I bragged. “It feels like the most natural thing in the world. I couldn’t imagine sleeping apart from him.”
“Okay... enough of your ‘my life is perfect’ schtick. I'll see you next week.”
“See you Monday.”
Mark's Assistance
A COUPLE WEEKS LATER, Mark was home and all was right with the world. Not.
“Hey babe, I’m going to help you,” Mark said. He was his normal, cuddly self.
“Help with my birthday party? No surprises this year. I’m only twenty-nine.”
“Does that mean thirty can be a big blowout?”
I smiled, then quickly killed the warmth. Best not encourage him. “I’m not smiling because of the party... I’m happy at the thought of us being together next year.”
“Next year and the next and the next.�
�� He grabbed me and kissed my neck. “I’m never letting go. You’re stuck with me.”
“Usually I’m okay with that... but I need to get back to work.”
“That’s what I’m going to help you with,” he explained. “Your work. You need someone to schmooze the big guys. If you can solve a problem for the guys at the top of the food chain, then you’re set.” Mark was confident in his abilities as was to be expected from a guy raised in the upper class.
“I’m working my way up the ladder. I don’t see what you can do that’s any different. Do you happen to know the head of a hospital and you just forgot to mention it?”
“My grandma is friends with some people. Maybe I can work that angle for you.”
There’s nothing like nepotism to make me feel like a fraud—like I was going to be the definitive example of having an unfair advantage. Then I remembered all the guys (and my coders were all guys at that point) depending on me securing more funding. If I didn’t get more money, our enterprise would be sunk before it ever got off the ground.
“Do it,” I agreed suddenly, killing my doubts. “Do you think they’d care that we’re a for-profit venture?”
“Babe, everything is for profit. Nonprofits are set up by the ultra-wealthy. You never woulda made it a couple months if you went that route—not without a benefactor.”
I wanted to argue with Mark, but knew it would be fruitless. Would his family be my benefactor? Could my pride handle that?
“You can take me with you to your next meeting,” he suggested. “Which health insurance companies are you targeting?”
I hadn’t had a face-to-face meeting in over a month. I had two right off the bat several months ago, and a few after that. Almost all my other nibbles never got further than a phone call.
I laid out my plan for approaching the company that was currently in my sights.
“What problem are you trying to solve for them?”
“Better treatment, happier patients, more engaged patients.” That mantra was practically ingrained in my brain.
“What you have to understand is that these companies don’t really care about that shit. They want to make money. Tell them how they can make more money by helping you make money.”
“The patients they help will be happier and more likely to come back to them.”
“We’re talking health insurance, babe. This isn’t like shopping for groceries. Give them something juicier.”
Thanks for the heads up, genius. “Then I guess the underlying idea is to help the patients take care of themselves and change their lifestyle slowly, but significantly.”
“That’s better,” Mark said. “I can sell that.”
“And we’re dealing with chronic illnesses here,” I suggested. “So if we could get them healthier on their own, then they wouldn’t be using the hospital as often which would mean bigger savings for the insurers.”
I hate using my mind for evil... this feels evil.
“I’ll do my thing. Give me a crack at this.” He kissed me on the lips. “I’ll find some hungry fish ready to bite and you can reel ‘em in. You aren’t asking for much. I’ll send them down to you and we’ll have a fish fry.”
“Tell them we’re a bunch of idealistic recent college graduates looking to make the world a better place.” And ripe for getting taken advantage of.
“I’ll do that for sure. And I’ll tell them how desperate you are and how you’ll do anything—anything—for them, just for money. Then I’ll show them a picture of your tight ass and say how you’re the resident cum dumpster.”
“Ah!” I slapped him across the face. (Not hard.)
He growled and pinned me against the wall. “You are,” he said. “You’re going to be selling your soul to these guys. I need to know how far you’re willing to go.”
“My ass is not for sale.”
He kissed me deeply, then broke away. “I’d pay good money for it.”
“For you, it’s free.” Except for all the ways I’ve chained you to my life... but you definitely still have free will. Right?
Our faces were side by side and I was breathing heavily into his ear. He grabbed my butt.
“Mark, please, I need to focus.”
“I know,” he said huskily. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” He pulled away and straightened his suit. “We’ve got some big name clients in my marketing firm. I’ll see if we have any contacts that might be useful.”
“Isn’t that kind of unethical?”
“I already talked it over with my supervisor. I’ve gotta bring him ideas for the all clear. We keep an eye out for investment opportunities for our clients.” He kissed me lightly on the lips again and adjusted his crotch. “That’s what you are, an investment.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “And I know from experience that—”
I covered his mouth with my palm. “You’re not as clever as you think—” What a dunce. “Get out of here—” Before I show you who’s boss.
We left the apartment together. Mark drove his new, fancy car and I drove my economical scrap metal on wheels.
I couldn’t decide how to break the bad news to Travis and Nick. If I didn’t get more funding by the end of the month, then we’d be bankrupt. And I had to tell them soon because they needed to be ready to move on. If I didn’t let my most trusted friends in on the dire situation, I’d be leaving them in the lurch.
Can’t do that...
But if I did tell them, then company morale would sink. My own enthusiasm was at rock bottom. Mark was one of the few things in my life capable of keeping me buoyant through this turbulent time.
I parked in my usual spot and walked to my apartment. My mood continued to spiral with each step. I had to tell them. I had to tell them that we were failing. Our budget was so modest and we couldn’t cover it... we were doing something wrong.
This wasn’t a failure. This was an expected reality. Nick and I had planned for this moment, but secretly I hadn’t thought it would come so soon. Actually, I had dreamed of it never coming at all.
Maybe we were too focused on creating a perfect prototype instead of something we could show potential investors? We’d been working on this for over six months and all we had was a database that could be queried and manipulated without causing errors.
Great! Just what everyone wants... a database. What we need is a simple user interface that I can show off in a meeting. People don’t get wowed by an amazing database.
I sat on a bench and ran my fingers through my hair, just like Mark did when he was nervous. I was shaken. I hadn’t been able to come up with the money. We had dreamed modestly and just wanted funding for a few months. I had hoped to get it from several different hospitals or insurance companies.
Failure. Me. Responsible.
Insurance companies spent so much on advertisements, surely I should have been able to secure a few thousand dollars worth of investment out of an ad budget. Hospitals spent so much on developing databases and things... they had to have some discretionary funding that could come my way.
How naïve could I have been? I tried to sound confident during my cold calls, but couldn’t prevent the guilty tremble in my voice. The bald truth was apparent for all to hear—we weren’t good enough to earn an investment—we were just an idea and a dream stitched together by pixelated nothingness. Bootstrap failures.
All we had was a fucking database!
Mark had kept up my spirits all night, but the moment of truth had come and I had to call this meeting. Mark wouldn’t magically appear with a source of funding. It was over. I had to let the guys know.
So I called Suhail instead of facing Nick.
“Hey, sup Chris?”
“Hey,” I said shakily.
“You sound horrible.”
“I feel horrible,” I confessed, keeping my head down and staring at the concrete. “We’ve failed. I failed. I can’t—” I struggled to say the words. “I can’t get it to work right. I’m not good enough.”
“Dude...”
“Sorry,” I said in a rush. “I shouldn’t have called you. But I need to tell the guys that this is coming to an end... and I feel like shit.” I sobbed once.
“Chris, buddy. Don’t be like this. It’s not the end of the world.”
“I know,” I said through my emotions. “I know that. I’ve been through enough to know that life goes on. But I had hoped... and you were right. From the beginning, you were right.”
“You asked for my honest opinion and I gave it.”
“I know you did. I should have listened.” I was morose and ready to start hating on myself real hard.
“You should be proud,” he claimed. “You lasted six months. I didn’t think you would even get it off the ground.”
“We have nothing to show for it! Just a fucking database and some shoddy front end. All I know how to do is Javascript, and I barely did any of it! I’m more of a hindrance than anything.”
“It’s not your fault,” he repeated.
“I shouldn’t have called you. I just... needed to share. And I needed to say you were right. I should have listened to you from the start.”
“Like I said, you have a lot to be proud of. Take what you learned and apply it to the next one. That’s why guys like me stick with a large company... it covers your ass... and I always have work.”
“Yeah.” I knew he was at work. I had called him to vent, but also, secretly, to make him feel guilty. It made me feel even shittier that I was manipulating him. I wanted to punish myself for being such a shitty human being and forget about the unfixable problems with the company.
“Where are you?” he asked.
“About to head up and deliver the news. I needed some strength.”
“I’m in your corner one hundred percent,” he said. Then he started typing up a storm so loud I could hear it through the phone. “Sorry,” he offered, clearly distracted.
I cried.
I sat there on the bench talking to one of my good friends and I flat out cried. I had wasted six months of my life. I hadn’t completed a single book so the passive income from my series was dwindling. All my years of hard work were evaporating before my eyes... and all because I had followed one of my whims too far and lost track of my books and the sales suffered.
The Fiancé (It's Just Us Here Book 6) Page 24
