by Sacchi Green
Liliana turned on the faucet, let the water flow. Ran it over her hands, drawing from it to strengthen her shields. She grasped for the vision in her mind, herself as an octopus, all purple-black tentacles and massive strength, checked each arm mentally, running water over every inch. Supple, fast, strong, that was what she needed to be. She breathed in, holding that intention.
No leaks allowed. She might feel all quivery and tender underneath, but she wasn’t going to damn well show that to anybody.
Liliana repaired her face slowly, deliberately. Applied her inky purple lipstick exactly right, like the color was helping to sink octopus strength into her. Took her time because she was in charge of herself, dammit.
Then she grabbed her cane and slowly strolled back to the table, shields in place, ready to ask for what she wanted like it was no big deal. Acting casual about things she needed too much was her specialty.
She could feel Roz’s eyes on her. Roz seemed to be watching all the time, tracking everything. Liliana did that too, but this felt different. Roz’s eyes on her, there was a weight to them. The weight was comforting, like her blanket at home. It was also . . . yeah, juicy was the best word.
She could feel herself sitting up straighter, because she was under Roz’s gaze. She was more aware of her skin, of how close Roz’s boots were, under the table. Aware that if she moved her foot just so, they’d be touching. She didn’t move her foot. She just became extremely aware that she could, aware that Roz was just a few tiny inches away.
“Hey there, darlin’. You gonna talk to me, hmm?” Roz’s voice was husky and teasing. Like she knew what Liliana was going to ask.
Liliana raised her eyes to meet Roz’s for a second, and whoa. If her eyes felt powerful on Liliana’s skin, they were on a whole other level this way. Not just because Liliana rarely made eye contact with anyone. They jolted right through her, and held her in place, breathless and spinning. She was dizzy from just that momentary glance up.
“Yes. I’ll talk to you,” she got out.
“Mmm. Good. Tell me what you have in mind, then. Your latest text implied you wanted to ask me something.”
Liliana gulped. She just got right to the fucking point, didn’t she? And only after she got Liliana to promise to talk about it. How the fuck did she get backed into a wall already?
“Umm. Okay. I. I would like to do a scene, if you were into that.”
“And what kind of scene were you wanting, hmm?”
Okay. Best if she said it fast. She took a drink of water, first. The water was cold in her hands, and that was good.
“I want to try submission,” she said, as fast as she could get it out.
“Submission.” Roz seemed to taste the word, roll it around her tongue. “You want to try submission. Have you tried submission before?”
“No, I haven’t,” she said softly. “I’ve just thought about it.”
“Mmm-hmm. How long have you been thinking about it?”
Liliana sighed. “A very long time.” She wanted to say ma’am at the end of that sentence, but wasn’t sure if that was right. And would that be confusing? Violet was Ma’am, but the ma’am she wanted to say was different, would be different. Maybe it wasn’t even the right word. Maybe she didn’t have the right to say it. Maybe she had to earn that.
It was better to be careful, she decided. She’d heard tops complain at Femme Brunch, about the ways that bottoms took liberties, just decided they could use words like that. She didn’t want to take liberties. Roz hadn’t even said she was interested. She hadn’t said no, so maybe that meant she was. But Liliana didn’t want to assume.
“What made you choose me?”
Liliana’s heart started racing again. She pulled the fidget out of the pocket of her leather jacket. Yes, this helped. The coolness of the metal, the smoothness, the way it moved all even.
“I trust you. Violet trusts you. When you hug me, I feel . . . held. Like it’s okay for me to take down my guard. When I look at you, I feel awed. Breathless,” she said hoarsely. Then she drank some water before continuing to list her reasons. “I don’t need to explain stimming or going nonverbal or any of my autistic stuff, you already know. You’re in our leather family, and that feels right, to try this with family first. It feels . . . less fraught to try this with another woman of color. I know you wouldn’t go easy on me. I want to really try this.” She swallowed, looked up to meet Roz’s gaze again. “And I feel it, already. The possibility of D/s, between us,” she said.
“Yes,” Roz said simply. “I feel it too. And I get it, about wanting someone you know and are already connected to, where there’s more trust, and safety. About wanting to try it with another woman of color. Though I generally call myself Black.”
Liliana nodded, then looked down again. Roz’s gaze was so much. She couldn’t hold it anymore.
“I use Latina, most of the time. In some situations I call myself a trans woman of color,” she offered.
“I’m honored that you trust me, Liliana. I will admit, I have wondered what you might be like, if you submitted. When I got your text, I hoped you might ask to play. Talked it over with my girl this afternoon. She thought we might suit, and I gotta say, I agree. The chemistry is there.”
Liliana nodded, then put the fidget down to drink some water.
“So, let’s talk about what this could look like,” Roz said. “A scene, you said. Perhaps at Lilith’s, where I’m staying? On Saturday. Nobody will be there. Lilith is out of town. My girl is staying with her momma that night.”
“That sounds good.”
“When you’ve thought about it . . . what are the things that you think about? What does it look like?”
Liliana felt frozen. Couldn’t get her mouth to open. Her hands started fluttering.
“Okay. That’s a hard question. That’s just fine. How about this? I’m going to ask you some things and you nod if it’s yes and shake your head if it’s no.”
Liliana nodded. She could do that.
“Being at my feet.”
Yes.
“Bondage.”
No.
“My hand on the back of your neck.”
Yes, please.
“Being used.”
No.
“Being treasured.”
Oh yes.
“Being punished.”
Nope nope nope.
“Being useful.”
Yes yes yes yes yes.
“Calling me Ma’am.”
Yes. Most definitely yes.
“Sexual service.”
No. Just, no. Not for a one-night scene.
“Sex.”
No. Not tonight.
“Taking pain because I need to give it to you.”
YES.
“Taking your shirt off.”
Yes.
“Being naked.”
NO.
“Letting go of control, and letting me make the decisions during the scene.”
Yes. It scared the shit out of her but ohhh yes.
“Being called girl.”
Yes.
“Okay, girl. That should be just fine,” Roz said softly. “I’m looking forward to this.”
Liliana smiled. Her hands were slowing down. It felt good to be called girl. She drank some more water.
“Me too, Ma’am,” she said, her voice barely audible, the word Ma’am sweet on her lips, exactly as she’d hoped it would be.
“Okay then. Next Saturday good for you?”
Liliana nodded.
“Let’s get out of here,” Roz said briskly. “How about you tell them to wrap the rest of this up, while I use the restroom.”
Liliana nodded, sat up a little straighter. She had them bring the containers to her, so she could box things up herself. She wanted to make sure it was done right. It felt good to have something concrete to do. She could feel herself getting calmer, and more focused.
She texted Violet: Leaving the restaurant now. Roz agreed to play, we have a dat
e next week. Will be home soon. Violet responded. Okay, girl. Enjoy! I’m at Pam’s tonight. See you in the morning.
This was a good plan. She was ready. Well, as ready as she was going to be to try something she’d been fantasizing about forever.
Liliana’s heart was pounding in her throat. She was actually going to do this. Once her coat was off she just stood there. She didn’t know what to do with her hands. One was holding her cane but the other one was fluttering and that was probably okay. It had been okay at the restaurant so she knew it was okay and she just needed to fucking chill but she couldn’t. So she just stood there and waited. Hoping Roz liked the fat pride T-shirt, denim vest, pink tulle skirt, and black leggings she’d decided to wear tonight. Hoping that Roz would tell her what to do. Hoping she’d get to sit soon, her knee was not happy right now. Was the scene starting, had it already started?
“How about you sit down on the couch, girl. We’ve got a few other things to see to before we get started.”
Liliana nodded. She could do that. The couch was kind of fancy. Actually the whole place was real fancy. This Lilith person had to be fucking wealthy. So much space, and in Manhattan too? There was this huge skylight, and was that a loft bed? Huh. Roz looked completely at home, here, her boots up on the coffee table, her arm slung over the back of the couch. But had she ever seen Roz when she didn’t seem like she owned the entire room? Liliana was nervous at how fancy everything was. What was she doing here? She’d probably knock over something priceless and it would shatter.
“Girl, you look like a cat whose fur was rubbed the wrong way. What’s up?”
“I’ve never been in a place like this.”
“Ah. Yes, it is something. Took me a while to actually feel comfortable. Yeah, white people like Lilith, who come from old money, are at this whole other level, girl. I get it. It’s hard to figure out how to be here.”
Liliana nodded. She felt like she needed to be really still and not touch anything.
“If it helps, Lilith really does want me to make myself at home. She’d be happy to know I brought a girl home with me who wanted to try submission for the first time. She would want you to feel like her home was a safe space to try that.”
It was a surreal space to even imagine being unguarded in. But maybe that might work. Like this was an alternate universe or something. Because she couldn’t ever imagine living in this place, or even visiting frequently. Maybe it would make her more brave?
She wanted this with Roz, but it was separate from her life in a lot of ways. That’s what made it safe enough to ask for. Roz lived in Toronto, and while she visited a few times a year, this couldn’t be something serious. The scene happening in a place like this was just another way that was true. Alternate Universe Liliana could go for it because this was taking place in a separate sphere.
She smiled at Roz, nodded. Waited to see what came next.
“I’ve got something for you to look at, before we start.”
Liliana nodded and began reading. Oh this was good. This made it easier. She read the list of Roz’s limits three times, repeating them in her head so they would stick. She looked at the nonverbal safeword for a long time. Then she decided to ask. She got Roz’s attention, and pointed to it, held her hand out over the couch between them, and tapped three times.
“Yes, that’s right,” Roz said. “You can also do that on my body. Try it on my thigh, right here.”
Liliana gulped. She was going to touch her. Okay. She tried it. Roz was warm, she could feel it through the smooth cool fabric of her dress. And solid. She felt so solid.
“Yes, that’s good. Better to have a nonverbal one from the start, I think. Though if you can access words, I’ll check in if you say stop, or red. But this way you don’t need to try to push through for words.”
Liliana smiled at her. She suddenly felt all full of gladness. It was a brilliant shining thing to know that she could try this and it would really be okay to go nonverbal. As long as she could tap out, she was okay being where she actually was at. She could do this, could tap out before she lost all communication. She trusted herself with that. It would be good to be Alternate Universe Liliana for the night.
“So I know you have fibro, and use a cane to get around. Can you tell about the kinds of things you can or can’t do, physically?”
She could push through for words with this. She breathed, thought about it.
“I can stand for a few minutes without the cane, but not long. I can sit and lie down no problem.”
“How are your hands? Can you do things with your hands? Massage, ironing, anything like that?”
“Yes, Ma’am. My hands aren’t hurting tonight.”
“All right. You said you wanted to be at my feet. Are you able to sit on the floor?”
“No, Ma’am.”
“Okay. What would give you the feeling of being at my feet? If I’m standing behind you while you are sitting? If you are lying at my feet while I sit on the couch? I don’t think the loft bed is accessible.”
Liliana nodded. She agreed, it didn’t look like it with that ladder.
“The couch, maybe.”
“Okay we’ll try it and see. In fact, let’s start with that, girl.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
Roz moved to the end of the couch. She took her beautiful boots off, sighed, then took her socks off too. Her toenails were teal and royal blue. Peacock colors, like she was wearing on her eyes, like the royal-blue dress hugging her curves, like the necklace that was drawing attention just so to her cleavage in that plunging neckline. Liliana loved femmes so much, loved picking out the details that showed the incredible care Roz took to show off her plumage. She had worn her fine feathers for Liliana tonight. It made Liliana feel all shivery to realize that.
Roz turned so she was leaning against the arm of the couch, putting her feet up. There was still plenty of room for Liliana to lie down at her feet. Liliana didn’t think she’d ever seen such a big couch before. She took off her own boots, and socks, and lay down, her head almost touching Roz’s feet, but not quite.
Huh. This was weird. Roz felt far away, even though her feet were so close. Liliana’s heart started going fast, she wasn’t even sure why, except she felt alone and being alone right in this moment hurt, and was scary. She wrapped her arms around herself and started to rock. She was surprised to hear Roz speaking to her. She actually jumped.
“No, this isn’t right. You’re too far away.”
Liliana sat up and looked at her. Roz gestured, saying, “You need to be closer.” Roz removed the cushions on the back of the couch, tugged up her skirt so she could spread her legs, and patted the space between her thighs. “Here. This is where you should be. Come lay your head on my thigh, girl. Don’t worry about mussing my dress, I wouldn’t mind that at all.”
Oh. That was not far away, at all. Liliana couldn’t imagine being much closer than that, really. She scooted up the couch, not particularly gracefully but she got there, and laid her head on Roz’s wide muscular thigh, reminding herself it was okay if her makeup got on it, Roz had said so. Roz pressed her foot into Liliana’s big belly. That felt good. Like cuddling, or maybe like being hugged by Roz’s legs. Liliana took a breath, let herself go a bit. This couch, this woman, could hold her weight.
Roz was working Liliana’s hair out of its ponytail and it ached a bit ’cause she’d had it up since the morning. Then Roz’s hands were in it, her fingers dragging through it, and it was all this sensation at once. So much, so close, Liliana was shivering again, and her feet were twitching.
“Yes, girl. This is better. I want you close so I can touch you.”
Oh my. It had been so long since anyone had touched her except Violet. It felt . . . surprising that Roz would want to. She was breathing kind of raggedly now, just trying to accept that Roz wanted to touch her.
“Your hair is a pleasure, girl. So much abundance.”
Liliana just focused on breathing. This was already overwhe
lming. Her feet were full-on fluttering now.
“Your hair is the key, isn’t it? I can find you this way.”
What did that even mean? Find her? She was right here. Roz worked her hands into Liliana’s hair until she had it by the roots. Then she twisted. Ohhh. Liliana was trembling, and she was pretty sure she had just moaned. That might be the yummiest pain Liliana had ever experienced. She could feel the way it made her relax. Roz did it again, and she might have mouthed Roz’s thigh through her dress. Not on purpose but damn that was divine. Her feet stopped fluttering. Oh this was good. So so good.
Liliana flowed with it, as Roz gave her pulse after pulse of that delicious pain. She was writhing between Roz’s thighs soaking up every bit of it, as Roz murmured encouragements. It was glorious, and there was so much of it. It felt like it was filling her up, drop by drop, until she was smiling and sated, nuzzling Roz’s gorgeously thick thigh, and Roz eased her hands out of Liliana’s hair, and stroked her face.
Roz put her hand on the back of Liliana’s neck, and just held it there, like it was settling in. It felt right, there, like that was of course where it should be. Like it tethered them together in exactly the way they needed.
“Girl, you are a delight,” Roz said, her voice languorous.
The words fluttered over her skin, and she let them, the soft feather of them feeling okay right then. Probably because of the hand anchoring the back of her neck. Was this what being treasured was like? Her whole body felt like it was gleaming.
Not that she wanted to move just then. She definitely wanted to stay right there until Roz wanted her somewhere else. There was this pulse that kept happening at the place where Roz’s fingertips were on Liliana’s neck. It felt like building energy for ritual, but this didn’t have a job to do, it just moved between them in these beautiful waves that felt like they held her so safe, like she was floating. Was Roz a witch too?
