by Joe Pulizzi
Alex Traynor. Yes, we were friends our first two years of high school. Maybe best friends. But he went off to summer camp in between our sophomore and junior years and turned into a different person. We stopped hanging out after that. He was truly gifted with computers. And I mean Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg gifted.
But Mitch was wrong about one thing. If Traynor ever took over Pollitt Funeral Home, I’d never want to keep the name on the sign. Never.
Dan took a long drink from his coffee cup and said, “I wanted you to hear about this before you made any decisions. This was something I couldn’t tell you in our meeting yesterday since there are a few moving parts that I had no control over. But no more surprises from here on out.”
I can’t say I was in love with all this discussion behind my back, but I kept that to myself. “Well, gentleman, I truly appreciate your concern for my father and for the business,” I said. Then I looked at Dan. “So all this isn’t just discussion, can you get something in writing about both offers so I can make a proper decision?”
“Absolutely, my boy,” Dan said.
I sat through another thirty minutes of business dealings around the city, but they kept everything high level. I thanked each of them and left the way I came in.
As I approached the van, there he was, leaning against a car nearby.
“How’s it going, William?”
“Hi, Alex. It’s been a long time,” I said. We shook hands. It was Alex, but it wasn’t. The timid boy I knew in high school was all grown up now. Same height as before, but the man definitely worked out with his biceps and veins protruding out from the sleeves of his Ralph Lauren polo shirt.
“Sorry I couldn’t be in the meeting. I really wanted to. I’m sure they explained,” he said.
“Yes.” I paused. “I appreciate the offer. Gives me something to think about for sure.” This sounded like a much better response than Fuck off. I could feel the anger building inside of me. We had been best friends. We had an incredible amount in common. Both funeral home kids. Both obsessed with numbers. We probably spent the entire summer after our freshman year smoking and talking in our old hideout just outside the Traynor facility. Although he turned into a jerk a year later, I had no real reason to be this upset at him. Something just didn’t feel right.
“We can talk now about it if you want,” Alex said. “I did the numbers myself and it’s a fair offer. I’m sure you could use the money.” He gave me a look like he did, in fact, know something. I must have made a facial reaction because he quickly added, “Uh, we did our homework on you and the business before we put the offer together. How about we go get a drink and chat it over? There’s a great little place just around the corner. We could trade stories about the trouble we made in high school.”
“That was a long time ago.” I paused. “Thanks, Alex, but I need to get going. I’m sure you understand.”
“Okay. Of course,” Alex said, looking me over. “Let me know if you want to talk sometime, about the deal or whatever.” He went to walk away and then added, “Oh, and sorry about your father.”
Chapter 12 – The Reunion
As soon as I arrived back at the funeral home, Janet caught me. “Oh, good, you’re here,” she said. “Mr. Davies’s daughter, Mrs. Evans, called and said she has a problem with the funeral date. I just told her you’d call her back ASAP.”
Janet handed me a small sheet of paper with a number and smiled, resting her hands just above her belt. “Do a good job.”
I walked back to Dad’s office and sat down to make the call.
“Mrs. Evans? Hi, this is Will Pollitt from Pollitt Funeral Home returning your call.”
“Thanks for calling back so quickly,” she said. “Here’s the situation. A good chunk of our family is overseas, and they all seem to be having trouble getting travel visas.” This was totally understandable to me as the current administration had been limiting travel visas for certain countries. “We don’t think they can make it to Sandusky until next week. Would it be possible to postpone the funeral?”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Mrs. Evans. Yes, we can help with that. Do you think next Friday would be enough time? If possible, I’d like to reschedule only once.”
“I think so. Thanks. What else do you need from me?” she asked.
“Nothing. We’ll take care of the rest.”
She thanked me again, and I gave Janet the news so she could make all the calls: the church, the cemetery, the florist, the newspaper, updating the online obituary and notice, and about ten other little things that most people would never think of.
Then I called Robby, who picked up the phone after two rings.
“Any word yet?” I asked.
“I talked to Sarah Arnold this morning. She told me she was very impressed with our presentation and that they haven’t made a decision yet.”
“Vibe?”
“Not good. I think they’ve already made the decision, but it’s not official yet. You know all the hoops they have to go through at a company like that to select an agency of record. We got them thinking, and they’re intrigued, but I bet they’ll play it safe.”
“You’re probably right, but thanks for keeping on them.”
“Yeah, I’ll ping her again tomorrow without trying to be too annoying,” Robby said.
He paused.
“Hey, I can wrap up early here. How about I come to Sandusky for dinner? I was going to come early for visitation tomorrow to keep you company, but I got all my homework finished and have nothing else to do.”
“Robby, you don’t have to do that.”
“Whatever. I’ll text you when I’m on the way.”
“Great ... thanks. Hey, I forgot to ask you. Have you ever heard of a life settlement?”
“Sure. Why?”
“Really? I met with a customer yesterday whose father cashed one out. I thought it was really strange and I’m curious to know how prevalent they are in this area.”
“I’ll call my uncle in Elyria. He deals with all kinds of insurance, and I think he dabbles in that as well. I’ll let you know.”
We ended the call. Sitting in Dad’s office, I wasn’t really sure what to do. I texted Jess.
Plans for dinner? Robby’s coming in. Would you like to come?
The three dots showed up right away.
Thx, Dad. I already have dinner plans tonight. Sorry.
That’s okay. Remember to be at the funeral home by noon tomorrow to prepare for visitation. It goes pretty much all night.
Of course, she texted. Love you.
You too.
I headed down to the embalming room. Sam had just finished with Mr. Davies. She heard me coming and looked up.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey,” I returned. “Did Janet tell you about Mr. Davies?”
“No, what?”
“We need to postpone the funeral services until next Friday. Apparently, they’re having trouble getting family into town from overseas,” I said.
“Visa trouble?”
“How did you know?”
“It happens more than you’d think. The past few years we’ve run into a bunch of issues with anyone coming in from the Middle East, Africa, China ... the list seems to be growing. Especially with the poor. Where is the family coming from?”
“I didn’t ask,” I said.
“You should ask next time you talk to her. It’s good to know for future reference.”
“I will.”
I paused.
“Robby is coming in tonight, and we’re heading to dinner. Would you like to come?”
She stopped what she was doing for a split second and then continued. “No. I don’t think so.”
“It’s fine, Sam. We are all grown-ups here. You and Robby love each other. I’m sure he’d love to catch up with you.”
She just looked at me. “Maybe,” she said, then paused. “All right.”
“Cool. I’ll text you when I know the time. Probably around six or so
.”
As I reached the exit, Sam called, “One more thing.”
I turned around.
“I got a call from the coroner, Jim McGinty, an hour ago. He’s calling the death a heart attack, like we all figured.”
Well, seems like Denise was wrong after all. I nodded. “Did he say anything else?” I asked.
“Not a thing.”
At that, I left her to finish her work and headed back upstairs.
ROBBY WALKED THROUGH the front door just as Janet, Jack, and I finished our final preparation for Dad’s visitation. Both Janet and Jack knew Robby, but they took a few moments to get reacquainted. Janet walked quickly away, and Jack lingered a bit. Then Robby followed me into Dad’s office.
“You need to take a look at this,” I said, unlocking the closet door. I opened the door and led him in to see the shelves of Dad’s notebooks. “Would you believe that Dad kept a diary all these years, going back to his days as an apprentice?”
I handed one to Robby. He flipped through the pages. “Unbelievable. This is a gold mine,” Robby said.
“Read this one,” I said. “Sit down. I’ll wait.”
As Robby read, his smile became wider, then he giggled, then laughed out loud. “Holy shit, Will. I can’t believe this is true. How many stories are here?”
“I have no idea. I’ve only read through a few. But I’m guessing hundreds, maybe a thousand or more.”
“You know ...” Robby was cut off as Sam walked into the room and put her hands over Robby’s eyes, standing behind him.
“Who’s your favorite girl?” she said.
“Scarlett Johansson?”
“Close enough,” Sam said. Robby stood up, picked Sam up off the ground, and spun her around 180 degrees.
“Hey, girl. It’s so good to see you.” Robby looked at Sam from head to toe and back up again. “You look gooood. Have you lost weight?”
“Always the charmer, you. Will said I could crash your little dinner party.”
Robby tilted his head back like he was dodging a bullet. “What year is this?” he said. “Did I miss something?”
“Stop being so dramatic, you ass,” I said. “I can be a grown-up.”
“What? Did you steal someone’s maturity level over the past few days?”
“It’s cool,” Sam said. “We went to dinner with Jess the other night, so we got the uncomfortable moments out of the way.”
“You did?” Robby said. “Well, I need a drink. Let’s get the heck out of here. I’ll drive.”
I wanted to show Robby the development downtown, so we zigzagged through the streets until we came to a bar called Tony’s, good for drinks and burgers, a stone’s throw from Uncle Dan’s office. As we approached the door to Tony’s, I noticed a bright SA sticker illuminated in the window.
We waited in front of a sign that said, Please Wait to Be Seated (unless you’re drinking at the bar). Then a very attractive woman, looking maybe late thirties, came over and said, “Hi, there, how many?” She grabbed three menus and seated us in the corner near the window overlooking the street. We took our seats, Robby in the middle with the chair to the left of me open.
As she placed the menu in front of me, she looked at me, squinting her right eye to get a better look. “Billy?” she asked.
“That’s me,” I said, looking back at her, pointing my finger, trying to remember.
“Shit, Billy. It’s Xena, from high school. Remember?”
“Oh, my God,” I said, standing up and giving her a hug. I remained standing. “I go by Will now.”
Xena was always a looker in high school, but she was stunning now. I couldn’t tell if she had work done or not, but everything seemed to be working. The long black hair, voluptuous breasts, and everything else were raised a bit higher than usual for someone in their forties.
“You look great. How have you been?” I asked.
“Not bad. I’m so happy you came in. We’ve been making some changes to the menu, and I’d love to get your opinion. Marketing, right?”
“Yeah. How long have you been here?” I asked. I wasn’t sure if she just worked here or if the bar/restaurant was hers, so I treaded lightly.
“I rounded up some funds to buy this place a few years ago. Got in at a good time before it started to get real nice around here and real estate shot up.”
“Congratulations, Xena. That’s fantastic,” I said. “I’m sorry, this is Sam and Robby. Sam works at my dad’s funeral home, and Robby is my partner at our marketing agency in Cleveland.”
“Nice to meet you both,” she said, shaking hands. “I forgot, I’m so sorry to hear about your father. I only met him a few times here and there, but he took real good care of my Aunt Rita a few years back. God bless his soul.” She paused. “Anyway, your server will be over in a second. Thanks so much for coming in and great seeing you.”
“You too.” I sat back down.
“Xena? As in Xena: Warrior Princess?” Robby asked. “You graduated with her? She looks ten years younger than you.”
“I couldn’t tell,” I said, smiling. I wanted to change the subject quickly. “So apparently they have great burgers here.”
Once the server came around, it was beer and a burger for each of us. I was hoping the dinner would feel like getting the band back together, but it was the opposite. I watched and listened to Robby and Sam catch up, smiling and laughing and talking old times. They were always so close, and the divorce pretty much made Robby choose time with me over Sam. I should have let them go to dinner without me.
“I almost forgot what I wanted to tell you,” Robby said. “I ended up stopping to see my uncle in Elyria about the life settlements.”
Sam looked confused. “About Mr. Davies and the life settlement thing. I told Robby,” I said. She nodded.
“Yeah. So, we had a real nice chat about it. He said the business is gangbusters in this area. All kinds of shit is going on. Some folks can’t afford their meds. Some need cash to get out of the cold and go to Florida. Some need a down payment for assisted living. So they cash out their policies and get what they get. My uncle said for some one-million-dollar policies, he’s seen a payout of half a million from one of the insurance companies. Kind of like hitting the lottery.”
“When you say gangbusters, how prevalent is it?” Sam asked.
“Not sure, but my uncle said it’s the biggest thing in insurance right now. He has a couple of insurance buddies that dropped property and casualty altogether and went into settlements. I guess it all depends on how long you have to wait.”
“Wait for what?” Sam asked.
“Wait for your customers to drop dead,” I said. “It’s probably a lot of cash up front for the payouts and then you have to wait for them to die.”
“That’s what my uncle said. These cash-rich insurance companies deliver the big payouts and then have some formula for when the customers will kick the bucket. It’s the craziest business I’ve ever heard of ... even crazier than my cousin who wanted to open a strip club that sold all-you-can-eat chicken wings as a way to get repeat business.”
As we left, I said goodbye to Xena, who asked for my number to follow up on any recommendations with the service, food, or branding. Why the heck not, I thought, so I gave it to her. Robby dropped Sam back off at the funeral home, and we headed to a liquor store to get a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Tito’s.
Chapter 13 – The Suit
After tossing and turning most of the night, I got in the shower about four a.m. I dressed in the best suit I had, a black custom one with subtle crimson pinstripes. Dad would approve.
Denise texted. Are you up?
Yep.
She immediately called.
“Sorry to bother you, but I got to thinking about Dad’s suit.”
“What about it?”
“Remember that one that Mom absolutely loved him in? The charcoal one with the light orange pinstripes?”
“How could I forget? He wore it in every picture with
her. She loved that suit.” I chuckled. “I always knew Dad was looking to get some when he put it on.”
“That’s too much information, but anyway, he should be presented to the public in that suit.”
“Sam already got him set in the navy suit,” I said.
“Will.”
“This is important?” I asked.
Denise said nothing but I could hear her breathing.
“Okay, I’ll take care of it. By the way, the cause of death came back for Dad. Heart attack.”
“I don’t care if they said heart attack or stroke or anything else. Something doesn’t feel right.” She paused. “Don’t forget about the suit.” She ended the call.
I immediately went to Dad’s closet, found the suit, and headed out the door.
I jumped in the car and texted Sam the news about the suit.
I pulled into the back lot at the funeral home just before six. Janet, Jack, and Sam’s cars were already there. Going to be a busy day.
I grabbed Dad’s suit and walked in the back door. Sam was waiting for me.
“Are you kidding me with the suit? Everything’s set, and he’s in the casket. I set the features last night.”
“Yes, I know. But this is important to Denise. I should have remembered the suit thing, but I didn’t. What do you want me to do?”
“I’ve got one body down there and one on the way, and as far as I can tell I’m your only embalmer. So I’ll need your help redressing him,” Sam said, taking a right toward the stairs to the embalming room.
As I followed her down, she was barking instructions. “Be sure to watch the hair, and don’t touch his face at all. The shirt’s okay, right?”
