Alexis stood in the shelter of Matthew's arms and wondered when she had last been held this way. She wasn't sure she ever had been. He was a man driven by grief, by anger, and yet he could hold her so that she felt safe and whole again.
Her arms tightened around his waist. "Thank you," she said softly. "I know this isn't where you want to be."
She was right, and she was wrong. He was caught somewhere between torment and hope. And the place was called guilt. He was holding another woman in his arms, a woman who wasn't the wife he had loved beyond all else in the world. And the woman felt as if she belonged there.
As if by unspoken agreement, they parted at the same moment. Alexis lifted her face to Matthew's and saw the struggle in his eyes. She knew hers looked much the same.
"You'd better change," he said gruffly. "Or you'll catch pneumonia and the poachers won't have a target next time. I'm going to look around, but I'll be back. We're going to talk."
"I'm not leaving here. I haven't changed my mind."
"We'll talk when I get back."
He was in his ute, pulling back down the drive, when she turned and went into the house.
* * *
HALF AN HOUR later she was showered, dressed in dry clothes and starting on her second cup of coffee when Matthew returned. He came to the kitchen door and entered without knocking. The small intimacy surprised and pleased her.
He sat at the table as she rose to pour him a cup, adding milk as if she had been sharing coffee with him all her life. He didn't speak until she was seated across from him.
"I found the bullet. And the koala. He didn't seem to realize his days were numbered here."
"Can you take him back to the park?"
"He's in a sack in the ute right now. Not happy to be there, either."
"I guess Jody should be here to reassure him."
"When can you be packed and out of here?"
"I told you, I'm not going."
"Then think of the child if you won't think of yourself."
"The child will be all right. I'm going to keep her near the house. And I'm going to post signs all over the property."
Matthew sat back, his face clearly showing his disgust. "Oh, that will do it, certainly. Why didn't we think of that before? A few signs and the poachers will run home with their tails between their legs."
Alexis wanted to be angry. Instead she laughed. The sound surprised them both. "I didn't know you had a sense of humor, Matthew. It's a lovely surprise."
He looked at her as if she had gone mad. "There's nothing funny about this situation."
"If I don't laugh, I'm going to cry. Have a preference?"
"My preference is for you to get out of here."
"I've run so far that if I run any more I'll be right back where I started."
Matthew knew she had just given him the perfect opportunity to ask what she meant. But he couldn't. He could see she was unhappy that she'd said so much already.
He swirled his cup, staring at the whirlpool. "What kind of signs?"
"Danger to Poachers. You Are Being Watched."
"It had better not be true."
Alexis added sugar to her coffee, just for something to do. She couldn't look at Matthew as she said her next words. "I am going to be watching, Matthew. I'm not going to let them come in here and slaughter those beautiful animals. I saved that one today just because I happened to be there. I can save more. If the poachers know I regularly patrol the property, then I think they'll stay away."
"And if they don't?"
"I'll be armed."
His cup clattered against the table. "That's insane!"
"I have a gun, and I know how to use it."
"Where did you get a gun? You're not even an Australian citizen."
"Peter Bartow gave it to me."
"He was a fool to arm a woman!"
She thought about his words. Peter Bartow wasn't a fool. He was cautious, concerned, even courageous. He was one of the few people in Australia who knew her story. And his response had been to purchase a gun in his own name and give it to her.
"Would he be a fool if he'd armed a man?" she asked.
"He'd be a fool to arm anyone. The world doesn't need more guns."
"I agree completely. Unfortunately not everyone does. Including the poachers."
"And what about your daughter? What if she gets hold of it? What if you shoot the wrong person?"
"There's a better chance I won't even be able to make myself shoot the right person. As for Jody, she knows I have the gun and that it's off-limits. I keep it in a locked drawer, and I keep the key in my pocket."
"You've thought of everything, haven't you?"
"You must know I respect your opinion." Alexis leaned forward. "I've dragged you here over and over, begged for your help, nearly fainted with fright in your arms. If I could do what you ask, I would. But I can't. I can't run away. Work with me, Matthew. Let me help do what I can."
He didn't want her help. Sooner or later the poachers would slip up. Someone would see them; someone would report them. It was only a matter of time, because on an island as small as this one, secrets were hard to keep.
He didn't want her help, yet he couldn't turn her down, because no matter what he said, she was going to help anyway.
He didn't want her. He didn't want to wish he could forget everything and kiss away her past and his own. He rose and took his coffee cup to the sink; then he turned, lounging against the counter, arms folded.
"What else are you asking me for?"
She seemed puzzled. "Nothing. I don't know what you mean."
"Are you asking for comfort? For someone to hold your hand if this gets a bit rough? I don't have that to give."
She wondered how he could pretend he hadn't already comforted her. "I'll remember that."
"And you'll keep the child near the house?"
"The child's name is Jody."
He didn't want to think of the child. He didn't want to think that she was the age Todd had been when he died. He didn't want to think that she talked to animals and knew they heard her.
He straightened. "Watch for signs that someone's been on the property. And keep an ear out for gunshots. If you feel you have to patrol, do it when the sun is high in the sky, not at dusk or dawn, when you might not be seen. Whistle or sing as you go, and if you see trouble, scream. It worked for you today. If you've a bit of luck, it might work again. I'll be over every day or so to comb the property myself, but you're to call me if you see or hear anything out of the ordinary. And you're not to interfere with the poachers. No gunshots of your own, no going after them. If you see anyone at all, try to get a look at their faces, but don't let them know."
"You give orders like a pro." Alexis lifted her coffee cup to him in a mock toast. "But the advice is good, and I'll take it."
He was halfway to the door before she spoke again. "Matthew?"
He stopped, but didn't turn.
"Thank you for coming. And thank you for holding me."
His sigh was almost a snarl. In a moment he was gone.
Chapter 5
“IT'S BORING HERE! And if you won't let me explore, it's even more boring!"
Alexis looked up from her computer and met Jody's rebellious gaze. "We agreed that you wouldn't come in here until ten o'clock."
"I didn't know that ten o'clock would take so long to get here!"
Alexis's eyes flicked regretfully back to the computer screen. Then, with a sigh, she pressed the required keys to shut it down for the day. "I've told you why you can't go wandering around, sweetheart. You're old enough to understand."
"There haven't been any more gunshots. You told me that last night."
There hadn't been any gunshots in a week. Alexis had put her plan into action immediately after talking to Matthew. She had ordered a dozen large signs from an old gentleman near Parndana who was glad for the work. Then she had posted them on all sides of the Bartow property. One stood conspicuously in the grove wh
ere the koala had been shot at.
Additionally she had begun to patrol the farm twice a day, never at the same times, but never at dawn or dusk. She sang as she walked, usually old Beatles songs, and she kept her eyes open for any twig, leaf, or clod of dirt that looked out of place.
In a week's time, nothing had been. Apparently Matthew had found everything in order, too, because, although she sometimes heard the distinctive purr of his truck and knew he was checking the grounds, she hadn't seen him.
Alexis stood and stretched. She had been at the computer since early morning. Normally she avoided working on weekends when Jody was home, but today she'd felt inspired. She had awakened understanding something new about the heroine of her book, and she hadn't wanted to wait until Monday to get it down on paper.
"There haven't been any more gunshots, Jody Marie Cahill, but we're not safe until Matthew tells us the poachers have been caught. You know that."
Jody's eyes widened in delight. "You made a booboo. You made a booboo," she singsong.
Alexis clapped her hand over her mouth as if she hadn't realized full well what she was doing.
"You called me by my real name. You have to pay a forfeit!"
Alexis was pleased to see that Jody's mind was off her own boredom. "So I do." She crossed the desk and draped her arm around the little girl's shoulder to lead her from the study. "What’d it be? Your favorite dinner tonight?"
"No. I want you to take me someplace today."
"That's a pretty big forfeit."
"I want to see the seals. You keep saying you'll take me, and you never do."
Alexis felt a twinge of guilt. With everything else that had been going on, she hadn't made much of an attempt to introduce Jody to the island that was her new home. They had been so busy settling in; then there had been the poachers... and Matthew.
"I think that's an excellent idea." She squeezed Jody in a one-armed hug. "Let's make it a picnic."
"And ask Matthew."
Alexis stopped, frowning. "Matthew's probably working today. I don't think—"
"He was outside a little while ago, walking around. I saw him through the window, and he waved."
"He's probably gone by now."
"He's in the kitchen. He likes your banana muffins. I let him have two."
Alexis looked down at the shabby but infinitely comfortable chenille robe she'd thrown on over her gown. She had written her first book wrapped in its voluminous folds, and it had become her good luck charm. But good luck or not, it was a poisonous bright red that drained every drop of color from her pale skin.
"I'd better change."
A masculine voice answered. "Don't bother. I'm leaving anyway."
Alexis looked up to see Matthew in the doorway. His eyes were lit with humor. Of course, he could afford humor, because he looked wonderful in a crisp white shirt and freshly ironed khaki shorts.
Alexis told herself that apologizing for what she chose to wear in the privacy of her own home would be ridiculous. "Good morning," she said with a polite smile. "I understand you've eaten all my muffins."
"I was under great duress."
Her smile warmed even though she told herself to be careful. "Been having your daily prowl?"
"There was nothing to see. Just the way I like it."
"Thank you anyway."
He nodded.
"Can Matthew go with us to see the seals? Please?"
"May Matthew go," Alexis corrected automatically.
"Of course he may," Jody answered, her dark eyes dancing. "Say you'll go, Matthew. I've never seen seals before."
"They're sea lions, actually." Matthew searched for a reason to say no to the child's plea. He had been trying to get away ever since she had seen him through the window.
"I'm sure he's too busy, sweetheart." Alexis didn't know why she couldn't stop herself from adding the next sentence. "I'm sure Matthew has better things to do than enjoy himself."
Jody looked confused, but Matthew looked stunned. Immediately, Alexis wished she could call back her words. She'd meant them to sting, not wound.
He shook his head. Alexis's quip would have meant little to him if he hadn't heard it before. Jeannie had said it, too. Whenever he had gotten too involved in his job, too intense, too serious, she had reminded him that way. And the gentle sarcasm had become a signal that he had to loosen up or risk hurting the two people he loved.
"Matthew, I'm sorry." Alexis stepped toward him. "That was uncalled for. I know how busy you are. We understand if you can't come."
"I don't understand," Jody said, obviously puzzled by the tension between the two adults. "It's Sunday. Do you work on Sunday?"
He shook his head again. "Not this month I don't."
"Then come with us!"
Matthew wasn't sure why he no longer wanted to refuse. He just knew that suddenly he couldn't. "If I won't be in the way."
Alexis was too surprised to answer immediately, but Jody answered for her. "You can tell us about the seal—sea lions. You can tell me what to say to them!" She skipped down the hall toward her bedroom. "Mommy, I'm going to wear the shirt Julianna sent me last week!"
They listened to the slam of Jody's door. Then they both started to talk at once.
"You don't have to—"
"Are you sure you want—"
They stopped and stared at each other. Alexis pointed at him. "You first."
"Would you rather I didn't come?"
"No." She searched his eyes. "But do you want to? You made it pretty clear that you don't want to be friends."
He was beginning to understand that friendship had little to do with their relationship. Something more basic, more elemental, shimmered between them. "I didn't say that. I said I had no comfort to offer you."
"Perhaps I can't hear the difference."
"I was trying to tell you there was nothing left inside me to give anyone."
"You only wish that were true." She raised her hand to stop his reply. "As for today, I'd love you to come, because I'm not sure how to get there."
"Then I'll come."
"Then I'll change."
She smiled, hoping to coax the same from him, but his expression remained serious. "Must you?" he asked. "You're easier to ignore in that robe than anything I've seen you in yet."
Her smile faded. He felt the pull between them, too. And he was letting her know he planned to fight it. Hiding her feelings, she looked down, shoving her hands in her pockets and spreading them wide. "Maybe I can find something more suitable that's just as unattractive."
He reached out to finger the tattered chenille. Strands came off in his fingers. "I'm afraid this is one of a kind. Don't try to top it." His hand lifted to softly graze the side of her cheek. Then it dropped to his side. "Shall I get some food together while you dress?"
She found it hard to speak. She looked up and nodded instead.
His gaze locked with hers. Then he smiled.
Alexis had no doubt that the smile had been worth waiting for.
* * *
THE SMILE HAD been worth waiting for. The day had been worth waiting for. Although the preceding week had been chilly, with fierce winds sweeping in from the south, this day was warm, a fine summer day in the midst of spring. Alexis wore shorts and a blouse of the palest pink, and Jody wore her favorite overalls of Day-Glo orange over an orange and black aloha shirt.
At Alexis's suggestion, Matthew drove her wagon, although Jody begged to take the ute so she could sit in the open back. Alexis knew that after one mile of jolts Jody would end up in the cab on her lap or squeezed next to Matthew, and the last thing Alexis wanted to do was crowd him. So instead they took the wagon. Jody pouted for the first mile, then forgot to be unhappy when Matthew began to point out landmarks.
The South Coast Road was, if possible, more corrugated than the road to Parndana. Their progress was slow, but nobody cared. Jody entertained them from the back seat, reciting plans for her future. Jody's plans changed daily. In the past year
she had firmly decided to be a writer, a standup comedian, a nuclear physicist and the president of the United States. Now that she was living in Australia, she wasn't sure about the latter any longer, but the others were distinct possibilities still, with about a thousand alternatives thrown in for good measure.
"Maybe I'll be a veterinarian," she said, with a sudden flash of creativity. "And I could write books about my patients."
"I'm afraid that's been done," Alexis told her.
"Maybe I could be a physicist and write funny stories about atoms and things."
"That's certainly original."
"Did you know my mommy writes books?" Jody asked Matthew.
Alexis looked straight ahead, wondering what else Jody would inadvertently reveal. She had schooled the little girl to silence about their past, and they had practiced telling things about themselves that wouldn't give away any important information. But Jody was only nine, and secrets were hard to keep.
"No, I didn't." Matthew glanced at Alexis and saw the way she was studiously ignoring the conversation. He chose to ignore her signals. "What do you write?"
"A little of this and a little of that."
He translated correctly: she didn't want to tell him.
"She writes novels," Jody answered for her mother. "Big ones. I'm not allowed to read them."
Matthew glanced at Alexis again and saw that she was blushing. His imagination caught fire. He wondered what sort of scenes Alexis wrote that couldn't be read by a nine-year-old girl. She was the epitome of graceful femininity and gentility. On the outside she was reserved—except when she was angry or frightened. Perhaps she wasn't reserved when she was aroused, either.
He wondered if her cool blond beauty hid a passion that only appeared in her novels, or if that passion could be uncovered by a man.
He wondered why he cared.
"Have you been published?" he asked, watching the color rise in her cheeks.
"Once." She didn't add that she had only written one book, or that the book had been a bestseller. She didn't add that she was known throughout the publishing world as D.A. Meredith, or that the book had almost cost her her life.
Out of the Ashes Page 6
