"When am I supposed to identify the girl?"
"The police will ring us if she goes to the pub. There'll likely be a crowd, and the police will just wait for you to point her out if you see her."
"Couldn't that take days?"
"They don't think so. We've been asked to stay close to the telephone tonight. Apparently she spends a bit of time there."
Alexis slid her hands from his. "I think I've just spoiled our dinner, feeding you brownies in the middle of the afternoon. These were supposed to be for dessert." She stood, gathering their plates.
"I'll be back about half past five, and I'll cook tonight."
"I've already started a roast."
"You don't have to work so hard." He stood, holding her back as she passed to head toward the sink. "You don't have to pay me back for having you here. I like having you here."
She started to let his comment pass, but she couldn't. "I do things for you because I like to," she said. "Don't you know how I feel by now?"
He was afraid he did. He was afraid that in spite of everything her marriage had been, she was falling in love with him. And in spite of his obsession with her, he knew he would never fall in love again.
"I think what you feel is gratitude," he said carefully. "And I think you do things for me because you're a warm, generous person and because we've become good friends. Just don't work so hard that being my friend becomes drudgery."
"Friend" was such a lukewarm word for what she felt that for a moment she could only stare. "Gray and Julianna are my friends, Matthew. Harry is becoming a friend," she said at last.
He knew exactly what she meant. He also knew that talking any more could ruin what they did have. "Sometimes words can't say enough." He bent and kissed her lightly, then dropped her arm. "I've got to get back to work. I'll be over at the campground if you need me."
Alexis watched him go, or rather, she watched him run away.
Matthew wasn't ready for even the smallest commitment to her. She had known his reluctance, yet the truth had never been brought home to her more clearly. He cared about her, and he desired her. Sometimes he looked at her as if he couldn't live without her. But deep down, where commitments grow—where love itself grows—Matthew was empty.
Or perhaps he was still full. She sank back down to her chair and gazed around the room. As much as she enjoyed cooking for him, she did not like his kitchen. It was bare— barren—empty of everything except the most utilitarian items. She didn't feel like an interloper here because there was nothing of his wife left in it. Jeannie and Todd had been so thoroughly cleared from this house that it was as if they had never lived.
Except that they lived deep inside him where he had never been able to say goodbye. There was nothing of them left to see, but there was everything of them in Matthew. He couldn't bear, even after three years, to say their names. He couldn't bear to face any reminder of them because he had never been able to let them go.
Until he did, there was no real place for her or for Jody in his life.
She hadn't faced the truth before. Now she did. Matthew would never tell her that he loved her because he couldn't love her. He was in love with a woman who would never return his love again.
She fought back tears. He had never led her to believe otherwise. What kind of fool was she that once again she had fallen in love with a man who couldn't love her back? Charles, too, had been incapable of love, although for very different reasons. Charles had been the antithesis of love. Matthew was everything warm and human.
But his warmth, his humanity, made it impossible for him to break free of the love he had already given. She should have known he couldn't give himself to her. And she shouldn't have given herself to him.
The tears fell anyway. She cried for an empty kitchen, an empty house and the agony of a man who had loved as few men can.
She cried for herself.
* * *
THE SILENCE IN the car had gone on so long that Matthew had become uncomfortable. He turned his head to reassure himself that Alexis was still beside him. "You don't need to be frightened," he said when he saw that she was.
"I'm not frightened." She stared out the window at the swiftly passing scenery. "I'm just looking forward to this being over with."
"Can't blame you for that." Matthew began to talk about his day, trying to take Alexis's mind off what was to happen.
Alexis listened to the rich, liquid Australian cadence of his voice and wished that she could spend a lifetime listening to it. But in a short time—if everything went as it was supposed to—she wouldn't be listening to it at all.
The call had come, as expected, almost immediately after supper. They were on their way to Parndana to the Community Club to see if Alexis could identify Yvonne Carson as the young woman who had been with the poachers the night Matthew had caught them.
"You're not listening, are you?"
Alexis smiled ruefully. "Not as closely as I should."
"What can I do to make you relax?"
"In a car going forty miles an hour?"
The look he shot her should have burned up the air between them. "Another comment like that one and I'll turn around and take you back home."
She wished he could. She wanted desperately to hold him. She wanted to cling. But she wouldn't. When this had ended, she would pack her suitcases and go back to Hanson Bay. The repairs there were far from being completed, but the house was livable again, even without a front porch. Once she was no longer underfoot it would be Matthew's decision how far their relationship evolved, and she had no false hopes about what that would mean.
They entered the little town of Parndana. Set in the midst of farmland it was a picturesque, sleepy burg with little more than a post office and a shop or two. The Community Club had a dining room, a beer garden and a playground for children. It was a friendly, family place, hardly the sort of atmosphere Alexis would have chosen for police work. But then, she hadn't been given a choice.
Matthew parked the wagon a distance from the club and came around to open her door. He held out a hand. "I'll be right beside you."
She wanted to tell him that this worried her less than what would happen to them when it was over. But that, like most of her thoughts and feelings, was not to be spoken. "I'm fine," she said instead.
"I know. You've more than your share of courage." He touched her cheek briefly, then turned, tucking her arm under his. "When we get inside, we'll take a table on the fringes. Just take your time and look around."
"It seems crowded tonight."
He guided her around a tree. "It's crowded every night. But if you can identify your mystery woman in the midst of so many people, we'll be sure you have the right person."
"If she's here, I'll know it."
He squeezed her arm in answer.
Inside, the taped blare of Midnight Oil greeted them just before a chorus of voices hailed Matthew.
He gave a careless wave, turning Alexis toward a darkened corner before anyone could stop them. Once she was seated, he positioned himself so that she wasn't readily seen from the rest of the room. "What would you like?" he asked.
"Whatever you're having."
"Will you be all right while I go up to the counter?"
She nodded. "No one's going to burn the pub down around me. I think I'm relatively safe with thirty odd people milling about."
One corner of his mouth lifted in a reluctant smile. If he'd been in her place, he wasn't certain he could have joked. "Then I'll be right back. Keep your eye on the door. If your young woman is here, she may be trying to leave any moment now."
She wanted to ask if he knew whether Yvonne Carson was in the room, but she realized it might influence her identification. "I won't let her past me."
After he'd gone, she nonchalantly studied the faces of the people closest to the door. There were several young women, even one with long dark hair, but she knew immediately that none of them was the woman she had seen in the grove. That woman's feat
ures were indelibly imprinted in her memory. If she were here, Alexis would recognize her.
Matthew returned, taking up the seat in front of her again. He pushed a beer across the table. "Anyone leave?"
"An old man. Do you suppose she's wearing a disguise?"
He just smiled. "I'll watch the door now. You go ahead and look around. See if you can find her."
Alexis adjusted her chair so that she was gazing toward the other end of the room. She examined two groups of young people and dismissed them. She passed over two older couples and one hard-bitten cowboy—or stockman, as they were called in Australia. Then she focused on a young woman in the far corner entertaining two young men just out of their adolescence. The woman was dressed in an emerald green blouse and pants, but it didn't matter. She might as well have been wearing red plaid. She might as well have been fleeing through a eucalyptus forest.
"She's over in the corner with the two young fellows wearing hats. She's wearing green." Alexis turned back to Matthew.
"You're certain? You can tell from this distance?"
She had no doubts. "Is that Yvonne Carson?"
Matthew didn't even look. He knew. "Yes."
"Then you know her."
"Not well. Her mother was a friend of... Jeannie's."
She felt strangely chastised. "I'm sorry I'll be bringing her mother unhappiness."
Matthew shrugged. "Not you. Yvonne's done that. Who knows? Perhaps this will be the thing that straightens her out." He stood and made eye contact with the stockman. Matthew nodded. The other man rose and started toward the corner. Another man from the other side of the room started after him.
Alexis watched, bewildered. "Matthew?"
"They're going to take her in to be questioned now that you've identified her. They'll pick up her brother, too, and then I suppose they'll search their home for koala skins."
"They're policemen?"
Matthew sat down. "Yes. They're taking care of it now."
Alexis didn't want to watch, but her eyes were drawn to the scene in the corner anyway. The policeman in stockman's clothes approached the trio of young people and began to speak quietly to them. His partner came to stand behind him. Yvonne registered shock, then fury. Her head swiveled, and she looked straight at Alexis. Alexis didn't avert her eyes, but she felt the chill of the other woman's anger.
"They're bringing her this way," Alexis said softly.
Matthew muttered a succinct, profane reply. He moved his chair closer to Alexis. "You don't have to say anything."
The trio wove its way between tables. Alexis realized that the policemen were giving her one last chance to change her mind about the girl's identification. But the closer they got, the more certain she was. Right before the table, the policemen turned to guide Yvonne through the door, but Yvonne had a different idea.
"You should have minded your own business, Yank," she shouted at Alexis.
Alexis held the woman's gaze but didn't speak.
"It would have been safer!"
One of the two policemen gave Alexis an apologetic grimace, then forcibly escorted Yvonne from the room.
The club was as quiet as it could be with rock music still blaring. Alexis had never felt so humiliated, nor so alone.
"I'd like to leave," she said, looking down at her beer.
Matthew covered her hand with his. "You did what you had to."
"Miss Whitham?"
Alexis looked up to see one of the women from the next table. She wasn't sure how the woman knew her name, but her smile was assurance enough that she didn't intend to follow Yvonne's lead. "She's a troubled girl. She's always been troubled. Don't worry about what she said. We're glad to have you on the island. You're welcome here."
A man rose to echo the woman's sentiments, and then another. Before Matthew and Alexis could leave, half the club had come to introduce themselves and tell her they were sorry she'd had so many problems. By the time she was out the door, her throat had an unmistakable lump in it.
"We're a friendly sort," Matthew told her, taking her hand as they walked to the car. "But we don't take to everybody. Those people in there took to you. Now you'll be asked to be on every committee on this end of the island."
She smiled, but her mind was on something more vital. "You believe Yvonne set the fire, don't you?"
He helped her into the car before he answered. "It seems as if she may know who did, even if she didn't. It could very well have been her brother."
They were halfway home before Alexis spoke again. "Do you suppose one of them will admit it?"
He wished he could reassure her, but honesty seemed more important. "Would you, if you were in her place?"
"I don't suppose Australian cops use Third World interrogation techniques, do they?"
"No more often than American cops do."
"Then we'll probably never know for sure who set the fire."
"The police will do everything they can to find out." Matthew glanced at Alexis and saw the tension on her face. "You're still worried it might have been Cahill."
She thought about the possibilities. She had Ron's assurances about Charles, and Yvonne's last words strongly implicated her in the fire.
Alexis had stayed alive this long because she had developed finely tuned survival instincts. The problem was that those instincts could border on paranoia. The line between was nearly invisible. Survival instincts could save her life again; paranoia could ruin it.
"I don't know what to think for sure," she said, miles later. "But it does seem that it was probably Yvonne or her brother who set the fire."
Matthew was assaulted by conflicting emotions. He knew that she would run if she believed she and Jody were still in danger here. He wanted her safe. He wanted her nearby. But there was a part of him that was confused and inarticulate and frightened, and that part of him wanted her gone.
"You have time to decide what to do." He turned her wagon onto the road leading to the Chase. "You're welcome to stay with me for as long as you need."
She wondered how welcome she was. Earlier today she had wept for both of them. Since then she had sensed that their relationship was approaching another crisis. It could not stay the same. A change was in the wind.
"I'd like to stay with you tonight," she said as he pulled into the parking space in front of the homestead.
"Of course. I hadn't expected anything different."
"Tomorrow I'll decide what I have to do."
"Don't rush things."
"We both know I have to." She wondered how much more she could say without Matthew closing down all communication. "Whatever I decide..." She realized she couldn't go on. She had wanted to tell him that she loved him, but she knew what that would do to him. "Whatever I decide, I want you to know how much I've appreciated your hospitality." They were cold, stupid words, words she would have used with any acquaintance who had offered her a meal or a bed for a night. Words that didn't even begin to touch what she was feeling.
Matthew didn't know how to answer. He had heard the words she hadn't spoken. He didn't even want her to think them. He got out of the car and came around to open her door, but she had gotten out already.
"Look at those stars." Alexis hugged herself for warmth. In the darkness her hair was a pale halo against a face as white as moonlight. Matthew found his hand entangled in the silky strands.
"Come inside."
She blinked back tears, furious that she would cry now. "I think I'll stay outside for a few minutes and look at the sky."
"You're shivering."
She shrugged.
He was awash in feelings that he couldn't isolate. The only thing he knew for certain was that he had never wanted her more. "Come inside."
Alexis heard the demand. She turned her head to his, and her eyes glistened. "This is so hard, Matthew."
He didn't need an explanation. He bent to kiss her. Then he drew away. "Come inside."
She sighed. "Just tell me. Is it hard for you, too?"
>
Even that was asking for more than he wanted to give. Yet he couldn't refuse. He knew he owed her what part of the truth he could recognize. "Harder than I can say."
She searched his eyes, then, finally, nodded.
His hand dropped to his side. "Now, will you come inside?"
"For tonight." She leaned against him as his arm slid around her waist. Framing his face with her hands, she fitted her body against his. "Make love to me, Matthew."
His breath caught. "Here? Now?"
"Now and later."
He clasped her close and kissed her with the desperation he had heard in her voice.
Chapter 15
MATTHEW WAS GONE. Alexis knew it without opening her eyes. She could feel the empty space beside her without stretching out her arms. She could hear the stillness, taste the loneliness.
She turned from her side to her back and forced her eyelids open to stare at the ceiling. She didn't know what time it was, but she knew it was late by the intensity of the sunshine beaming in through the window.
She had missed the chance to share their morning ritual one last time.
The night before had been long and they had gotten little sleep. They had made love without words, made love and made memories, and each time they had tried to part, they had joined once more as a talisman against the solitude neither of them wanted.
When she had finally fallen asleep, she had slept deeply, dreamlessly. She wondered if Matthew had slept at all. She missed him, but she was glad he was gone. Leaving would be hard enough without having him there. Now she could pack and go. At the house on Hanson Bay she could make her decision about the future.
In the bathroom she showered quickly and changed into the skirt and blouse she had worn the day they had visited the lighthouse and Remarkable Rocks with Jody. She remembered that day and the feeling she'd had that they were a family.
They would never be a family, because Matthew couldn't accept the fact that his wife and son were gone. She could have borne his refusal to let Jeannie and Todd go if she hadn't believed that he loved her, too. But last night had proved to her, beyond any doubt, that Matthew did love her, although he would never say the words. He needed her, although he would never admit it.
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