by Loretta Lost
Copyright © 2016 Loretta Lost
Cover art by Sarah Hansen of OkayCreations.com
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Note: This book happens a few months after Helen and Liam get engaged at the end of Clarity 4, and after the four books in the End of Eternity series. Events will be mentioned which occurred in End of Eternity, so if you intend to read those books, you should probably read them before this book.
A new edition of End of Eternity 4 was published in September 2015 with deleted scenes and minor changes to the story, especially concerning Owen’s wedding. If you read the book before that date, please note that certain details of this book may seem like mistakes, but they are merely based on new information.
Only a child sees things with perfect clarity because it hasn’t developed all those filters which prevent us from seeing things that we don't expect to see.
Douglas Adams
Prologue
Liam Larson, 1989
I am standing on the side of the road and holding a newborn infant.
She is looking up at me with curiosity on her face, and I can already tell she’s going to be my best friend. We’re going to do everything together, especially coloring and making snow angels. She’s really tiny right now, but I’m sure that when she’s a little bigger she’ll love playing catch with me. I have a ball, but I don’t have anyone to play with.
First, I need to know her name.
“What are we going to call her, Mama?”
Turning to the side, I look at my mother who is sitting in the driver’s seat of the car and crying softly. I think she’s crying because it hurt a lot to take the baby out of her stomach. There is blood staining her dress, and she is clutching her midsection as her shoulders shake with sobs. She barely makes any sound, but she is shaking so hard that the car is trembling beneath her.
I thought she needed to go to the hospital, but she said no.
The baby in my arms is bloody and red. Maybe that's why Mama never wanted to touch her. When she came out, I tried to wipe most of the gooey stuff off her before wrapping her up in Mama’s green sweater. Once I got it all off her face, I was able to see that she’s perfect. She has clear blue eyes and chubby little fingers. Her bellybutton was funny. I asked Mama what to do about the floppy string, but she wouldn’t help me.
“Liam,” my mother says from the car, and she is crying so much that she can hardly breathe. “Leave her there. Hurry! Before someone drives by.”
I look around in confusion. It’s early morning, and there aren’t many other cars on the road. Why would Mama want me to leave the baby here? It’s winter and there is a thin layer of snow on the ground. I shift the baby in my arms, because they are growing tired. She might be tiny, but I’m not that big and strong yet and it’s hard to hold her.
“Please, Liam,” my mother says again, placing her face in her hands as though she cannot look at me. “Put the baby down and come back into the car.”
“I don’t want to. She’ll be cold.”
My mother wipes her face on her sleeve, trying to remove some of the tears and clean her runny nose. She sits up a little straighter and grasps the steering wheel tightly. “Liam, if you don’t get your ass back here this instant I’ll tell your father that you disobeyed me. He’ll give you a good beating!”
I flinch at this prospect, and hug the baby tighter against my chest. I don’t want Papa to hit me anymore. He’s been away for a little while, but I know he’ll be back soon, and he’ll start hurting me again.
“For god’s sake, Liam,” my mother whispers desperately. “If you don’t do as I say, your father will kill me. He’s going to strangle me to death, and who knows what he’ll do to the baby. He hates little girls.”
She’s right. I have seen my father choke my mother before, and he always says mean things about girls. I begin to grow very afraid. Will he treat the baby in my arms even worse than he treats me? If putting her down means she won’t get punched or kicked by Papa, is that better? Somehow, she feels glued to my chest, and I don’t want to let her go; not for anything.
“Please,” my mother says frantically as she waves me over with her hand. “Please just leave the baby there.”
“But… but she’ll get hurt. If cars drive by, they could hit her.”
“We’ll come back for her, soon. I promise. I just need to go home. I’m in a lot of pain.”
I look down at the ground fearfully. “Are you sure, Mama?”
“Leave her, Liam!”
I quickly move to do as she says, and place the baby down in the snow on the side of the road. The little girl looks at me in confusion as I stand up, and her tiny arms move a little, reaching out for me. I can tell she already misses the warmth of being held; she misses me. My heart is breaking. This feels wrong.
“Quickly, Liam!” my mother shouts.
Ripping my own coat off my shoulders, I lay it over the baby as an extra layer of protection. She makes a cooing sound as she looks up at me, and I feel tears falling from my eyes onto her cheeks. “I love you,” I tell her, bending down to place a kiss on her forehead. “I’m sorry. We’ll come back for you, little sister. Mama promised.” I have a terrible feeling, but I’m too afraid to go against my mother, so I run back to the car. I can hear the baby start to cry, and my chest aches.
I have barely jumped into the vehicle before my mom starts driving away. I didn’t even get a chance to close my car door, but it slams shut with the force of the car’s acceleration. My mother is sobbing and the car is veering dangerously as she drives away at breakneck speeds.
“Mama?” I ask her nervously. “Are we gonna go back for her soon?”
“Who?” my mother asks brokenly.
“The baby.”
“What baby?” Tears pour down my mother’s face as she shakes her head violently. “There is no baby. There never was a baby.”
Her words confuse me, and I look behind the car to try to see where I laid the infant down on the side of the road. I can still hear her cries echoing in my ears. I can still see her sweet face looking up at me. “Mama, we have to go back,” I say as panic begins to fill my chest. “I left the baby there and it’s so cold. She doesn’t even have clothes yet. Can we go back now?”
“There is no baby,” my mother says quietly, repeating the words to herself over and over. “There is no baby.”
I am terrified. There’s something wrong with my mother and I don’t know what to do. What’s going to happen now? Is my little sister going to be okay? I am her big brother. I was supposed to protect her.
What have I done?
Chapter One
Helen Winters
Lifting the slender plastic stick between my thumb and forefinger, I brace myself for life-changing news. Before I can even read the results, I clamp my eyes shut tightly. I’m not ready for this. I haven’t accomplished enough or traveled enough. I haven’t lived enough, learned enough, or seen nearly enough—heck, I’ve only been able to see at all for a few short months!
I am not sure how it is possible to want something so badly and be so frightened at the same time. This is going to change everything. Am I responsible enough? I crashed my car into a tree not too long ago, like a complete fool. I still occasionally drink whole bottles of wine all by myself. Am I old enough? I still feel like this is all so sudden and I am too young, but I know that my body is already past its prime for childbearing. Reading articles about the decl
ine of egg quality with maternal age has really scared me, along with my sister losing her baby at twenty-nine. I know that those were extenuating circumstances, but her pregnancy was difficult even before she was drugged. Am I already too old?
It doesn’t matter. I need to try.
Opening one eye, I peek at the stick.
Dammit. All of the air I’ve been holding in my lungs leaves my chest in a gust. Am I sighing in disappointment or relief? I’m not sure. Tossing the stick into the trash can, I move to wash my hands in the sink and splash some cold water on my face. I towel off before moving toward the bedroom with heavy feet. Liam is sprawled on the bed, half-naked and half-asleep, and I pause to gaze at his body for a moment. He is so wonderful. It should be normal by now, but every single day, I find myself feeling a renewed thankfulness for my eyesight. And, of course, for Liam.
He has given me so much. I feel so awful and guilty that I don’t have any good news to tell him. As I study his features in the dim morning light, I can’t help fantasizing about what our children would look like. They would be so beautiful, brilliant, and strong.
Is there something wrong with me? We’ve been trying for months. My period is ten days late, and I thought for sure that things would be different this time. Is it possible that the test is wrong? I used my first morning urine, and it’s supposed to be over 99% accurate. Moving over to sit on the bed beside Liam, I reach out and run my hand over his back. He looks up at me at once, blinking the sleep out of his eyes.
“Hey, Helly-Belly,” he says with a drowsy smile.
“Liam!” I glower at him. “You are never to call me that, on pain of death. I thought I made that clear the last time.”
“Aw, come here,” he says, reaching up to drag me down onto the bed for a hug. “You like me way too much to kill me.”
Sulking, I let him wrap his arms around me and plant kisses along my shoulder before I share the results of my test. “It’s still negative,” I say quietly.
He pauses and lifts his head. “It can take a while, Helen. We just have to keep trying. Maybe it’s for the best that it’s hasn’t happened.”
“For the best? I thought you wanted to have a baby.”
“I did. I do,” Liam reaches up and runs a hand through his thick dark hair. “I mean, our wedding is in two weeks. Maybe we should just focus on getting everything ready for the ceremony and enjoying our honeymoon first. You won’t be able to enjoy the vineyards of France if you are throwing up all the time, and you won’t be able to taste any of the wines.”
Pulling away a little, I turn over to look at him curiously. “Liam, is there something wrong? You were so excited about starting a family before that you didn’t want to wait. Now you seem hesitant. Are you having second thoughts?”
Liam looks down and away from me, and I can’t read his expression. “I guess something has been bothering me lately,” he admits softly. “You know me so well. I just didn’t know how to talk to you about it.”
My heart skips a beat. After everything that has happened lately, it’s easy to feel fear. Our lives have been near paradise and perfection, and it’s hard to believe they could continue like this unchecked. What disaster is waiting to strike me down this time? I try to push my doubts aside as I reach out to place a hand on Liam’s chest. “What’s bothering you?” I ask him gently, trying to be supportive. Is he cheating on me? Is he backing out of our wedding? Is it something to do with his parents? Is there something wrong with his health? Oh god, I bet he has cancer.
“It’s just…” he begins, but trails off into silence. He shakes his head and moves away from me, throwing his legs off the bed and rising to his feet. “Never mind. It’s stupid.”
“Liam,” I say, swallowing down the lump in my throat. “Tell me.” I can’t deal with secrets anymore. I can’t deal with drama. We are about to be married, and I thought we were past all of this. We are trying to be parents, for god’s sake. We need to have some kind of emotional stability.
“Give me a minute to wake up,” Liam says, rubbing his eyes. “I am going to go put on some coffee.” With that, he walks out of the room, leaving me a mess of nerves.
Lying back on the bed, I stare at the ceiling. Since Carmen found out that she might never be able to have children, I have felt as though the future of our family rests on my shoulders. She was ready to be a mother, and my father was excited to meet his first grandchild before everything fell apart. Even if I’m not totally ready, I know that my child will grow up with loving relatives. My family has been through so much heartache lately, and they are desperately in need of some love and laughter. A child could bring some joy and excitement back into our lives, and be the glue that holds us all together.
In the past, when life became challenging, I was quick to run away and abandon everyone. I can’t change the past, and erase how weak I was. I can’t take back the way that I hurt and disappointed those who loved me. I know that I neglected my father and let his health decline, even while he was funding research to help cure my blindness. I know that if I hadn’t left, Carmen wouldn’t have married Grayson. I have felt guilty for so long, knowing that I was a terrible daughter and sister. I am lucky that they still welcomed me back into their lives with open arms.
Now, I have Liam, and I feel stronger than ever. I was excited to take this step with him, finally moving forward into adulthood and trying to make up for everything I’ve done. But why does it feel like something is in the way? Why is there always something in the way?
Liam returns to the room, and begins to open drawers. I sit up in bed and watch him rushing around, feeling confused.
“I’m sorry,” he says with a glance up at me as he pulls on his pants. “I have to go into work earlier than expected this morning. I don’t even have time to shower. Can we talk about this later?”
“No. Tell me now.”
“Helen…”
“Liam. Seriously. You have been trying to get me pregnant for three months and now you tell me that it’s for the best that it hasn’t happened? What are you hiding from me? Have you been crushing up birth control and putting it in my food? Did you get a vasectomy and fail to tell me?”
“Helen, that’s all ridiculous,” he says as he slides his arms into his jacket. He seems like he is trying to smile, but his lips are too tired and heavy to move. “It’s nothing sinister like that, but I really need to get going.”
“Do not walk out that door without explaining yourself,” I warn him. “There will be consequences.”
He hesitates. “Okay. If you must know… it’s kind of strange. I’ve been having these awful dreams lately, about holding a baby. It’s a recurring nightmare I used to have when I was younger, but it went away after a while. I guess I’d still get the dream once every couple years, but since we started trying to conceive and talking about parenthood… it’s been every damn night.”
“A nightmare?” I ask him in puzzlement.
“Yes. It’s really fucked up. In the dream, my mother keeps telling me…” Liam shakes his head, as though it’s too painful to talk about. “It’s weird, Helen. Sometimes it’s so realistic that I swear it actually happened, but that’s impossible. My mom was driving a car in the dream, and she doesn’t know how to drive. She’s too afraid to get anywhere near the driver’s seat.”
I squint my eyes a little as I look at Liam. It is clear that he is extremely disturbed by this nightmare, and I don’t know how to comfort him. We’ve been so happy lately, and I haven’t seen that tormented look on his face since the day we visited his father. I want to ask about the details of the dream, but I don’t want to upset him. “Have you tried talking to your mother about it?”
Liam nods and looks down. “Have you met my mother? She just ignores me and stares into space. I was hoping that after I removed her cataracts and her vision improved, she would start to talk more, but she’s still so scared. After I asked her about my dream, she spoke to me even less.” He hesitates. “But the dreams have come mo
re frequently since I started spending more time with her.”
“Do you think it’s due to some unresolved issues with your family?” I ask him.
“Yeah,” he says, with a roll of his eyes. “My unresolved issue is that my father is still alive, and not in jail where he can no longer harm my mother.”
“We could put him in jail,” I suggest softly.
“Sure, but then I risk hurting my mother even more. I would need to pay someone to take care of her, and I can’t afford that. I could take care of her myself, but I’d need to get a bigger place to live, and I can’t afford that either. She also has no friends, so she would be completely alone without my father.”
“I see.” My first instinct is to offer some of my family’s money, but I know Liam is too prideful to accept it and will just get angry at me. His nightmares make me concerned. I vaguely remember learning in school that dreams can have great significance to our mental health. I have been worrying that Liam hasn’t been getting enough sleep lately; he’s been working himself to the bone, and even when he is at home, he’s been avoiding coming to bed. Is it because of this nightmare?
I clear my throat. “Have you considered seeing a therapist to find out what the dream means?”
Liam curses under his breath. “I don’t need a fucking shrink, Helen. I need to go to work. I’m running late.”
With that, he turns and leaves, and I find myself frowning at his harsh manner. This isn’t the Liam I know and love. What has gotten into him? I thought we were in a good place, and it’s painful to think he was hiding this from me all along. Maybe he’s right. It is for the best that I’m not pregnant if he has some deep-seated family drama to work through. We can’t be ready for new life, and new family, unless we can heal our relationships with our existing family.
Unfortunately, we’re going to have to sort out our communication issues fast, and figure out whatever’s bothering him before our wedding. I don’t want to walk down the aisle with him unless our minds are clear and our hearts are open. But can we overcome his lifelong nightmare in two weeks? I hope so.
