by E. L. Todd
“I’ll lock it so you won’t be tempted.” She gave me a playful look.
It would take a lot more than a locked door to stop me from getting to her.
Christmas
Hawke
“You want to build a snowman?” Francesca wore a thigh coat with her hood up. She wore skin-tight ski pants and thick boots. Even though she was completely covered, she still looked cute.
“A snowman?” I’d never done that before.
“Yeah.” She kneeled in the snow with thick gloves on her hands. “We need to make the bottom first. Help me.”
I squatted down beside her and watched what she was doing. I helped her ball the snow into a large mound then pack it until it felt solid. Even though it was freezing cold, I felt warm from all the work. After we made the bottom, we started on the middle section.
“You’ve never done this before?” she asked.
“What gave me away?”
She gave me a gentle smile. “You’re doing great.”
We constructed the head on the very top and had everything completed.
“Now we need to decorate his face.” She grabbed the bag she set off to the side. “I have some olives for the eyes.” She stuck them into the snow but they didn’t look right because the head was too big.
I pulled my sunglasses out of my pocket and placed them over his eyes.
“He looks badass,” she said with a laugh. She grabbed an ear of corn and placed it horizontally across his face.
“It looks like he has yellow teeth.”
“He’s a smoker.”
I chuckled at her joke. “What about his nose?”
She pulled a muffin out of her bag and stuck it in the center of his face. “Ta-da.”
I stood back and admired our work. “This snowman is never going to get laid.”
She laughed. “Those sunglasses make him look pretty cool.”
“But the big nose and yellow teeth aren’t helping his odds.”
The sound of a running motor came to our ears, and we both turned to see Axel come out of the shed on a snowmobile. He hit the gas then headed straight for us.
“What the hell is he doing?” Francesca asked.
“Step back, Muffin.” I grabbed her arm and yanked her away from his path.
Axel ran into the snowman and demolished it. “Take that, suckers.” He hauled ass through the snow.
“Ugh.” She threw her arms down. “What a jerk.”
I picked up my sunglasses from the ground. Fortunately, they weren’t broken. “Let’s make another one.”
“He’ll destroy that too.”
“Then we’ll make another one.” I picked up the fallen pieces. “The funnest part is making it anyway.”
She smiled. “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”
***
Christmas Eve arrived, and all of us walked through the snow until we found the perfect tree to chop down.
“This one is perfect.” Francesca’s eyes lit up when she stopped in front of a tall and leafy tree. “Let’s get this one.”
“I like it,” Yaya said. “It’ll look great in the living room.”
“Make way for the man.” Axel had a hatchet over his shoulder. “We need muscle and power.”
“Then why don’t you let Hawke do it?” Francesca jabbed.
I shot her a quick smile.
Axel chopped it down after a few swipes, and the tree crashed on its side. We tied ropes to the base, and Axel and I dragged it across the snow back to the house. Once we were inside, we put it in a base and set it in the corner.
“It is perfect.” Yaya pulled all the ornaments out of a box. “Now let’s decorate it.”
It seemed like a family tradition so I stayed out of the way and sat down. My parents and I never decorated the tree. The one time we did, it led to a huge fight about money. Ever since then, I never bothered participating.
Francesca dug inside the box until she found an ornament. Then she hooked it onto a hanger.
I liked watching her. There was a slight smile on her lips, and I knew I was witnessing a moment that would become a treasured memory.
Instead of walking to the tree, she approached me. “Can you hang this at the top for me? I can’t reach it.”
I knew it was her discreet way of involving me. And it meant a lot to me that she wanted to include me in this family tradition. “Sure.” I stood up and grabbed the ornament from her. It was a wreath with a picture in the center. When I took a closer look at it, I realized it was Francesca with her mom and dad. They were standing outside in the snow with their skis in their arms.
Francesca’s eyes were exactly the same then as they were now. Staring at her when she was a young girl made my heart ache in a way I’d never be able to explain. Her mom was wearing a beanie but I could see their similar features. Francesca looked just like her. Her dad was tall and burly, reminding me of Axel.
“I was eight.” Francesca watched my face. “My dad taught me how to ski that day. I learned everything I know from him.” She turned around and approached the tree. “Could you hang it up there?” She pointed toward the top.
The significance wasn’t lost on me. She was sharing something very deep and personal, and she wanted me to be a part of that. It was the most meaningful gesture I’d ever experienced. I placed the ornament toward the top of the tree then looked at her.
“It looks nice up there.”
I watched the lights reflect in her eyes. “Yes, it does.”
***
After hot cocoa and board games, Yaya retired for the evening. She was so buoyant and full of life that it didn’t surprise me she was pooped out by the end of the day. Axel joined her an hour later. He couldn’t stop yawning, and I was glad he finally went upstairs so I wouldn’t have to listen to it.
I’d been waiting to be alone with Francesca. I got her a Christmas gift but I didn’t want to give it to her in front of her family. “I’ll be right back.”
She looked up from her hot cocoa as she sat in front of the fire. “Okay.”
I retrieved the gift from my bag then returned downstairs. I’d never wrapped a present before, and thankfully, YouTube helped me figure it out. The only thing I didn’t struggle with was putting the bow on top.
I sat beside her on the hardwood floor with the gift in my lap.
She eyed it with excitement in her eyes. “You got me something?”
“Yeah. I didn’t want to give it to you in front of your family.”
She eyed the grandfather clock on the wall. “Well, it’s past midnight so it’s officially Christmas.”
I’d never put so much thought into a gift before, and I knew she would love it. “Here you go.” I handed it to her.
She smiled as she took it and immediately ripped into the wrapping paper. When it was off, she examined the muffin pan in her hands. Then she finally saw the engraving.
The Muffin Girl.
I made it into a nice logo like it was the name of a bakery. I pictured her using this to make her first batch of muffins on opening day.
She stared at it without reacting.
Now I was nervous she didn’t like it. Was it too forward? Was it offensive?
When she turned her gaze back to me, tears were in her eyes. “Hawke…” She ran her thumb along the engraving, feeling the grooves of the words. Then she sniffed loudly. “This is…the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”
Warmth spread through my body in a way I’d never experienced before. It was foreign and unfamiliar. Francesca was the only person who gave me any joy, but now she just gave me even more. “I’m glad you like it.”
“Like it?” She wiped her nose as she sniffed again. “I love it.” She set it down then moved into my arms. She hugged me tightly as she crawled into my lap. “Thank you so much.” Her face was pressed to my chest.
My arms immediately circled her waist and I held her close to me. Making her happy made me happy. It was the first time I felt that way. I’d been so focus
ed on making everyone just as miserable as I was that I hadn’t realized how pointless it was. This actually made me feel good. Francesca made me feel good. I couldn’t care less if I ever got another gift for the rest of my life. This was the best Christmas gift I’d ever gotten.
She finally pulled away even though I didn’t want her to. She turned toward the tree then fished a small present out. “I got you something too.” She set the small present in my hands. It was thin but slightly long. It reminded me of a book. I wondered if that was what it was. But I told her I didn’t read so that wouldn’t make any sense.
“Open it,” she whispered.
I tore the wrapping off then discovered it was a book. But there was no title or author name. It was leather bound and looked like a journal. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but I wasn’t sure how to react since I didn’t know what it was.
“It’s my journal.” Her voice came out quiet like she was nervous. “I started writing it before my mom passed away. I wrote in it every single day, even years after my father took his own life.”
I stared at her and felt my heart race. She was giving me the most personal thing a person possessed.
“I went through a lot of pain and heartache when everything happened. And when my dad left to join my mom, I was really angry. I hated him for being such a coward and leaving Axel and I behind as orphans. The bitterness possessed me for a long time. But one day…I finally got through it. I just thought…this could help you. I know you’ve been through a lot and there doesn’t seem to be an end to the pain. But I want to show you that there is.”
I felt the leather in my fingers before I opened the first page. Her small handwriting filled every inch of space. The date was written in the top right corner. Old tear stains marked the page in certain spots. I hadn’t realized my eyes were wet until I finally blinked. “I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
I shut the journal then stared at her. Her green eyes were glossy with emotion, and her lips were pressed tightly together like she was trying to remain calm. Her long hair trailed down her chest, looking soft and touchable. The Christmas tree sparkled behind her, and the light from the roaring hearth moved across her skin.
The moment we met, there was something there. I didn’t know what it was, and I wasn’t even sure if it was real. But then she said she felt it too, whatever it was that existed between us. I was a dark man set in his ways, but the moment she walked into my life, I completely changed—for the better. I didn’t know what that connection was even though I’d spent every day trying to figure it out.
But now I knew.
***
“Hawke, do you have a woman in your life?” Yaya asked over breakfast one morning.
My immediate reaction was to look at Francesca but I stopped myself. That would have been a dead giveaway. I kept my eyes on my food. “No, I—”
“Tell her about that one girl you’re seeing,” Axel said while his mouth was full of food.
“What?” I blurted, having no idea what he was talking about.
“That girl you mentioned at the bar.” Axel kept eating like he didn’t just throw me under the bus.
“Uh…” My eyes immediately darted to Francesca.
She was looking purposely down at her food but she wasn’t eating it. She was just picking at it like she needed something to do with her hands.
“Are you guys more serious now?” Axel asked.
I wanted to break his neck.
“Oh, tell us about her,” Yaya said. “What’s her name?”
Fuck, why did I say that to Axel? “It’s nothing. He’s exaggerating.”
“No, I’m not,” Axel argued. “Yaya, there were these two hot chicks that totally wanted us but Hawke said no.”
“Loyal,” Yaya said. “I like that.”
Francesca still wouldn’t look up from her food.
“She and I are just friends—that’s it.” I didn’t want Francesca to assume the worst, not after last night.
“That sleep together?” Axel asked incredulously.
Francesca abruptly stood from the table. “I need to use the restroom…” She walked away and immediately headed up the stairs.
No one noticed her quick departure but me. And I had a feeling I knew why she left. “Just drop it, okay?”
“Geez, calm down,” Axel said. “We aren’t interrogating you.”
“It feels like it,” I snapped.
“Well, we would love to meet her if you ever want to bring her by,” Yaya said. “A handsome and sweet man like you must have the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Actually, I did.
***
The rest of the day was hell. There was never any opportunity for me to be alone with Francesca. Axel wanted to be by my side every second of the day, and when I wanted to hang around the house for an opportunity to talk to his sister, he grew irritated and said we should go skiing. After I reluctantly agreed, I hoped Francesca would come with us.
Of course, she didn’t.
The entire time we were on the mountain, all I could think about was her. The last thing I wanted her to think was I had some kind of serious girlfriend and I was committed to her. I didn’t want Francesca to think I was even sleeping with anybody, even if it was meaningless.
She wasn’t my girlfriend and she never would be but…I couldn’t let her think that.
By the time we came home, Yaya and Francesca had already eaten and Francesca was already in bed.
Could this day get any worse?
I had to sit downstairs with Axel and Yaya and wait for them to finally go to bed. They were the longest hours of my life. I was tempted to walk into her room even if I did get caught. I didn’t give a damn at the moment.
Finally, everyone went to sleep and I had my chance. I headed to her bedroom and turned the knob.
But it was locked.
Goddammit.
I pulled out my phone and texted her. Muffin, please unlock the door.
No response.
She was either sleeping or pretending to sleep to avoid me.
It’s really important. Maybe that would entice her. If she thought something was wrong, she wouldn’t ignore me.
A second later, I heard footsteps from inside the room. Then the door clicked audibly.
I immediately stepped inside and finally relaxed once I was alone with her. But the pained look on her face made me want to walk right back out.
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at me like she wasn’t afraid of anything I had to say. She held her head high like I couldn’t hurt her. It reminded me of a warrior on the field of battle. She was scared but she refused to show it. “What?” She wore a long t-shirt with no bottoms. Her legs were bare but I knew it wasn’t the time to look.
“I wanted to explain what Axel was talking about.”
“I don’t care, Hawke. Your personal life is none of my business.” The tone of her voice sounded like she was being sincere. The look on her face even seemed genuine. But I knew that wasn’t how she felt. She just gave me something so deep and personal, and she would have every right to be mad if she thought I had a serious girlfriend.
“I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“There’s nothing I hate more than a liar.” Her eyes glowed with ferocity. “You were upfront with me about what you wanted, and I respected that. But to go back on your word and come in here and lie to my face is unacceptable. I don’t tolerate bullshit.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I repeated. “Give me five minutes to explain.”
She shifted her weight and continued to glare at me.
I assumed that meant I had the floor. “I went out with Axel a few weeks ago and he wanted to hook up with some girls. When I said I wasn’t interested, he kept pressuring me. When I flat out said no, he grew suspicious. He assumed I had a girlfriend because it was the only way to explain my behavior. I went along with it just so he would get off my
back.”
Francesca didn’t drop her guard. “If you don’t have a girlfriend, why did you say that?”
She really needed to ask? “Because I didn’t want to hook up with anyone.”
“And why didn’t you want to do that?”
I bowed my head and tried to think of an appropriate response. “Isn’t it obvious?” My voice came out quiet and broken. I didn’t know how to handle this situation because I hadn’t thought it through. I wanted everything with her. But I still wasn’t sure if I could give it to her.
Her shoulders finally relaxed and the fire in her eyes turned to a smolder.
“I haven’t been with anyone in a long time…since before you stayed with me.”
“Why?” She searched my eyes for a response.
“I just don’t want to.” I knew it wasn’t the answer she wanted but it was all I could give her.
Her eyes didn’t blink as she watched me.
“I just didn’t want you to think I told you I didn’t do the girlfriend thing then turned around and did it behind your back. The last thing I would ever do is lie to you. You know that.”
She nodded slightly.
“This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had and…” I wanted to say so much more but I didn’t know how. If I did exactly what I wanted, I might hurt her more. There were times like this when I thought this could work. But then I remembered why it couldn’t. I was a monster. Actually, I was the devil. “I want you to know that.”
“It’s been a nice Christmas for me too.” She seemed slightly disappointed like I hadn’t said exactly what she wanted to hear. But she seemed relieved that I didn’t tell her I would never be serious with her then end up with someone else. I needed her to understand that would never happen—unless it was with her.
I stepped closer to her and my hands moved to her hips. Her shirt bunched up in my grasp and lifted from her hips slightly. Every part of my body wanted to have hers. I craved her in a way I never had before. It was like I was made just to be with her. Somehow, I found the strength to remain platonic. “Are we okay?”
She nodded.
“Can I sleep with you?”
She debated it for a moment, the thoughts swirling in her mind. “As long as you go back to your room before everyone wakes up.”
