Eventually, Ryan quit counseling (it was doing no good anyway) and dove deep into church. He went every Sunday and every Wednesday. As many times as he begged for forgiveness, he never felt forgiven. How can anyone be forgiven for doing something so awful? It’s like God was mocking him. Every sermon was directed at him. The pastor practically calls him out by name. “God will not be mocked,” he once shouted while looking directly at Ryan. Ryan walked right down the aisle to the front of the church, and fell on his face in prayer when the preacher finished his sermon, “The Lord shall judge his people.”
Ryan became one of the most loyal members of the church. He read his Bible every day looking up one scripture after another on forgiveness, grace, and repenting for our sins. He prayed and prayed – sometimes going into the church prayer closet for hours. He served food at the homeless shelter, and even joined the prison ministry.
One day Ryan got a call from his pastor, Pastor Randy, wanting to take him to lunch. After their plates were cleared Pastor Randy said, “Ryan, I want you to know how much I appreciate your membership at our church. I appreciate the financial commitment you show as well.”
“Definitely, Pastor Randy,” Ryan said.
“You're a blessing to the church. Well, we have a deacon stepping down, and I want you to take his place.”
“A deacon?” Ryan asks. “I'm not worthy to be a deacon.”
“Ryan, you’ve been a member for years now. I think I know you pretty well. A deacon must be dignified, not go around lying, not drinking too much or swindling people. He has to be a good husband. That’s you, Ryan. You’d make a great deacon.”
Ryan was afraid that God would strike him down with thunderbolts, an earthquake, or cover him with boils if he took that deacon position. “I just can’t do it,” Ryan insisted no matter how hard Pastor Randy tried to convince him, “I just can’t.”
“Well please help me with something else,” Pastor Randy continues. “These young people coming up nowadays, they don’t understand what marriage is all about. They think love is a feeling – when the feeling’s gone they’re gone. The first sign of trouble and they jump ship. Ryan, you know….marriage is a commitment. It’s a husband, a wife, children, a house, and a whole life. It breaks my heart to see what we’re doing to these kids nowadays. We got a bunch of girls cutting themselves and boys running around, getting high, don’t know who their daddy is.”
“I know,” Ryan agrees. “I see it all the time.”
“Ryan, you know marriage and divorce as good as anyone. I want you to teach the young married class. I might refer couples to you who are thinking of calling it quits. You can talk to them and pray with them – let them know it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. The grass ain’t so green…You know what I mean?”
“I don’t know,” Ryan said.
“It’d be a personal favor to me…and to the Lord,” Pastor Randy said.
Ryan reluctantly took the position as long he wasn’t given any title or bragged about around the church. Who knows, maybe God will finally forgive him.
His class was a big success. Soon it went from “The Young Married Class” to just the “The Married Class.” All ages attended so they could hear Ryan’s words of wisdom.
No one in the church could file for divorce unless they first attended Ryan’s class for a while and visited with him personally once or twice. Ryan was great at helping couples realize how hard divorce can be and almost always convinced them to reconsider. A few years later, Ryan could look around the church every Sunday at the couples who were once calling it quits, but they’re now sitting side by side on the pews.
Ryan tithed more and more money. He paid the full cost to build a new wing onto the church, but unlike Michael Corleone in The Godfather, Ryan’s sin was a stain that couldn’t be cleansed. First God took Colt. Then he came for Hope. Ryan lived his whole life in fear. He believed God would punish him forever. What would be next? He just knew he could save the world, but his own day of judgment would be brutal.
– CHAPTER 23 –
R yan’s still holding the pictures of Zach when the silence is broken by little Bonnie running through the guesthouse as fast as she can while yelling, “Gampa, Gampa, Gampa.” She runs down the hall and jumps onto Ryan’s back. He slams the file shut, and drops it on the floor. He takes Bonnie in is arms. “How’s my beautiful little girl?” he asks.
“Good Gampa!” Bonnie giggles flopping down on his lap. “Gamma says to come eat.”
Ryan holds her under her arms, and picks her up above his head so she can play Super Girl like she loves. He almost falls back from all the excitement. “Love you baby,” he says holding her up high and swaying her back and forth.
“More…more,” she begs when he sets her down.
“We’ll play later baby,” Ryan tells her. “Tell grandma I’ll be there in a minute.”
Bonnie starts to run off, but Ryan stops her with a, “You forgot something!” She runs back, kisses Gampa on the lips, and runs away again.
Ryan carefully stuffs all the photos back into the envelope, puts the envelope back in the file, and slides the file back into the box. He spreads all his old tax returns across the top of the box, and closes the lid shut. He then maneuvers the box to the very back of the closet, and stacks all the boxes on top and in front of his divorce file to make sure it’s buried away forever. He would have burned the whole damn file a long time ago if it would’ve done any good. He locks the closet door, slides back the bookcase, and heads out the door to eat lunch.
Walking out the front door, Ryan sees a white kitchen trash bag floating across the pool towards the waterfall. Seeing trash in the pool irritates him. He just paid the lawn crew to cut the grass, take care of the hedges and flowers, and clean the yard so everything would look perfect for the family to arrive. Now he sees that the dang cleaning crew left a trash bag and it blew into the––
“NO!” Ryan shouts running towards the pool and jumping in. “OH GOD NO,” he screams when he gets to Bonnie’s little white dress and blonde hair floating facedown in the water. Her dress floating towards the fountain hides all the rest of her body. Ryan grabs Bonnie by the arms and turns her over. Her tiny, lifeless, body offers no resistance. Ryan wipes her hair out of her face. Her bright blue eyes are completely glassed over. Her tiny lips and fingernails are turning blue.
Kate hears Ryan’s scream and the splash from him jumping in the pool, and bolts out the back door. Ryan is frantically swimming to the side with their baby in his arms. Her lifeless face is staring up at the heavens. “RYAN!” she yells.
“Call 911! Call 911” Ryan shouts trying to pull himself out of the water with their baby still in his arms. He lays her tiny body face up on the pool deck looking for a sound, a movement, or any sign of life. Bonnie’s little face is now turning blue. He checks her pulse, but can’t feel anything. He puts the side of his face to her mouth hoping to feel even the faintest breath, but he can’t hear or feel anything.
“Oh God…she’s not breathing!” he yells. He puts his hands on each side of her tiny cheeks and shakes her head back and forth hoping it might snap her out of it. “Oh my God she’s dead. Bonnie no….baby no,” he screams
“911 – do you need police, fire, or ambulance?” the operator begins.
“Our grandbaby…our grandbaby just fell in the pool,” Kate shouts into the phone.
“Is she breathing?”
“Is she breathing?” Kate yells.
“NO,” Ryan cries cradling her limp body in his arms, and looking up to God for help.
“Ryan tilts her head back and lifts her chin,” Kate shouts as the operator relays the instructions.
Ryan puts her head back, and positions her mouth up and open. “Pinch her nose and breathe in her mouth!” Kate yells.
Ryan covers her tiny mouth with his. He closes her nose and breathes air into her little lungs. “She’s not breathing,” he screams.
“Take your palm and push on her chest. Push fas
t….thirty times,” the operator says.
“Ryan push her chest thirty times,” Kate screams.
Ryan pushes on her chest over and over, making sure he doesn’t hurt her, and counting each time. “1…. 2….3….4 ….5….6….7….”
“Push hard,” Kate screams, “you gotta push harder.”
Ryan pushes harder, but there’s still no sign of life. “13….14….15…. 16”
“An ambulance is on the way,” the operator confirms. “Don’t stop until they arrive.”
Kate runs over to Ryan, and watches him frantically push on her tiny little chest, still counting with each compression. “22…23….24….
25…. 26…27….28….29.”
“Breathe Ryan…..breathe in her mouth,” Kate shouts.
Ryan closes her tiny nose and breathes into her mouth again. “1….2…. 3….4….5…..6…” Ryan screams as he goes back to pushing.
“She’s not breathing” Kate yells into the phone. “Oh God she’s dead.”
“Don’t stop,” the operator repeats, “the ambulance is coming.”
“Don’t stop Ryan,” Kate yells. She gets down on her hands and knees so her face is next to Bonnie’s face. She lays there stroking Bonnie’s beautiful blonde hair. “Breathe baby, please breath,” she pleads through her tears. “Grandma’s here…. breathe for Grandma.”
Ryan continues pushing down with all the strength he has left. “26….27….28….29….30.” He again breathes into her mouth and starts over, “1…. 2…. 3….4….5..... –– God no! Don’t take our baby –– 9….10…11…12….13….14 …..15…..16….17.”
Ryan’s exhausted and has nothing left to give, but he pushes again and again. His numbers are harder and harder to make out as he starts to surrender to his tears and his exhaustion.
Kate hears the blare of a siren coming down the road so she runs through the house and into the front yard. The neighbors are all outside trying to figure out what’s going on. As the ambulance gets closer and closer, Kate stands at the end of the driveway waving her arms and screaming, “HELP US….PLEASE HELP US!” The ambulance comes to a sudden stop. Two medics jump out, and run fell speed across the yard to the front door with Kate leading the way. They race through the house and into the back yard.
“7….8….9….10….11,” Ryan continues crying with every push. The medics move him aside and take over. “She’s not…..she’s not….she’s not breathing,” Ryan cries out with his face covered in tears.
He’s so exhausted he can barely hold himself up. “No God, no,” he yells, but no matter how many times he pleads, Bonnie never moves. God’s judgment is final.
The medics put Bonnie’s lifeless body in the ambulance. Kate jumps in the back behind them. They speed down the road leaving Ryan in the back yard clenching the grass in his hands praying to anyone who’ll listen. “No….no….no….no…no. I can’t live. I can’t live without her.”
One of the officers pats Ryan on his back as he continues to cry, doing his best to console him. “Take me….she did nothing….please take me,” Ryan cries.
Both officers raise Ryan to his feet. The first officer asks, “Can you tell us what happened?”
How could this happen? Ryan thinks about the Bible and all those terrible plagues God sent to Pharaoh – blood, frogs, lice, flies, boils, hail, locusts, darkness, and finally killing all those innocent little children. First God took Colt, He almost took Hope, and now He took his little Bonnie. Ryan is now more sure than ever that this is God’s judgment for what he did and God will continue to punish him until he finally confesses his sins and repents for it all. If it has to be now….if it has to be in front of these police officers––then so be it.
“It’s my fault Bonnie fell in that pool,” Ryan begins.
The police officer takes a little pad out of his breast pocket and starts writing. “Why do you say it’s your fault?” the officer asks.
Ryan’s so upset from the death of Bonnie that he has a hard time telling the story that’s hung over his head for so long. Where to begin? “Officer, it’s my first wife. Her name was Faith. She was the mother of my three kids. When we divorced she got custody of our kids.”
“What are your kid’s names?” the officer asks.
“My oldest is Grace, my son, who passed away, is Colt, and my youngest is Hope.”
The officer writes all three names on his pad.
“Things were so bad officer…you gotta understand how bad things were. Well, their mom went to Thailand, and was arrested in the airport for trying to smuggle drugs.”
“What airport?” the officer asks.
“The Bangkok International Airport,” Ryan clarifies.
“Does this have something to do with your little girl falling in the pool?” the officer asks.
“Please sir….let me finish. I’ve got something I have to say,” Ryan continues. “You see, she was convicted. They sentenced her to fifty years for the drugs.”
“The officer whistles, writes on his tablet, and says, “Fifty years for drugs?”
“Officer, everyone thought she was innocent – that she was set up by this boyfriend she was with.”
“What’s his name?” the officer asks.
“I don't know,” Ryan answers and then says, “Christian….I mean Zach.”
The officer writes both names down. “Do you know Zach’s last name?”
“I don’t know his last name,” Ryan answers. “Anyway, everyone thought this boyfriend planted the drugs on her, but he didn’t. Actually, he did––“
“He did or he didn't?” the officer asks.
“He did,” Ryan says out of breath and exhausted, “but it wasn’t what people thought. He wasn’t working alone. He was doing it ––“
Suddenly the phone rings inside the house. Ryan runs up the steps, and into the kitchen with the officer following right behind. As soon as Ryan picks up the kitchen phone, Kate screams, “Ryan, I’ve been calling your cell phone.”
“My cell phone is in the pool,” Ryan says.
“She’s breathing! Our baby is breathing!”
“Oh my God,” Ryan cries and falls onto the counter with his head buried in his arms. “I can’t believe it,” he says turning to the officer. “She’s alive…she’s alive!”
So God didn’t punish me? Bonnie is going to be okay? “Thank you God” he repeats again and again, lifting his clenched hands to the heavens. He turns back to the officers, and says, “She’s okay. She’s going to be okay.”
Ryan gets in his car and follows behind the police escort to the hospital. Still wet and exhausted when he arrives, he walks into Bonnie’s room with his eyes stained from the tears he’s been crying. Everyone’s gathered around the bed, and Bonnie’s sound asleep.
Grace is holding one of Bonnie’s hands. Jackson has the other. Ryan approaches the bed, puts his hands on Grace’s shoulders, and says, “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Grace lets go of Bonnie’s hand and throws her arms around her father’s neck. “She’s going to be okay, Daddy.”
“She’s alright?”
“It’s all because of you,” Grace says. “You saved her. You didn’t stop. She’s going to be okay.”
Bonnie is fine, and Hope is fine. Ryan’s family is going to be okay. If it takes the rest of his life, Ryan’s determined to make things right between him and God.
Hope Brunick
“If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you.”
–– Zig Ziglar
“We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality.
Iris Murdoc
– CHAPTER 24 –
F or most families Thanksgiving is a time for a big meal and a few football games. Never again for our family. The next day we celebrate Thanksgiving like never before. Both my grandparents as well as my aunts, uncles, and cousins change their plans to be at our home when Bonnie is released from
the hospital. The thought of her drowning in the pool shook everyone. Even Blake flies to Austin to support me and meet my family.
We all hold hands and form a chain around the dinner table for the customary family prayer. My dad leads the prayer every year, but this time he asks my uncle to give thanks. The family won’t hear of it. We all know Dad is blessed by God. He breathed light into darkness – turned sorrow into joy. God used Dad to save our Bonnie, and he should give Him thanks.
“Dear Lord,” Dad gets out before breaking down in tears. Mom puts her arms around him until he can talk again. “Dear Lord, thank you for bringing us all together again. Thank you for your love, and mercy, and for sending your angels to our house today. Oh God thank you for Bonnie. Dear God thank you, thank you, thank you. Forgive me Lord…please forgive me. Lord please watch over Colt, and keep him safe in your arms. In Jesus’ name, we pray, Amen.”
We’re all still sitting around the dinner table when Mom comes in and whispers in my ear, “Hope, Kyle is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.”
“I’ll be right back,” I tell Blake, and go into my bedroom.
I pick up the house phone in my bedroom and say, “Hello?”
“Hi Hope, it’s Kyle. I’m sorry for calling your home, but I don’t have your new cell phone.”
“Hi Kyle,” I say.
“I heard about Bonnie. I’m so sorry Hope.”
“She’s okay now,” I assure him. “She’s going to be okay.”
“Thank God, “ Kyle says with a big sigh. “We didn’t know for sure. I loved that little girl.”
“I know,” I say.
“Hope, I miss you. I’d like to see you while you’re down.”
“I can’t Kyle.”
“Please Hope,” he begs. “I have a lot to say. I love you. I’ll always love you.”
The Beginning of Hope: The Highly Anticipated, Mind-Blowing Sequel to the Killing of Faith (The Killing of Faith Series Book 2) Page 14
