Ryan crosses his arms to make a pillow and puts his head down on his desk. “How did I get here?” he asks himself aloud. Then the whole thing comes back to him like it was yesterday.
Ryan had the life most men can only dream of. His wife looked, talked, and acted like a movie star. So many people told her that she looked like Grace Kelly. The blonde hair and blue eyes––everywhere they went she heard how beautiful she was. Ryan also heard compliments, but they were always about his wife: “Your wife is so beautiful.”
He gave her everything, but everything was never enough. She had an emptiness deep inside her that could never be filled – at least not by him. He gave her a beautiful house, an expensive car, jewelry, trips, and the best clothes from the most expensive stores. It was never enough. She was always looking for a bigger house, more stuff, and more kids. Everything that Faith wanted Faith got. They often joked that Faith cast a “love spell” on him.
At the very beginning of their relationship, Ryan found out she was meeting with her old boyfriend. Another waitress at the restaurant where she worked came to his office and told him. After months of hearing how awful this guy was, how he cheated on her and abused her, and how much she hated him, Ryan was forced to confront the idea that she had been meeting him. By this time Ryan was already in love. This news just crushed him.
When the time was right, Ryan confronted her. She crossed her heart and swore with all the sincerity in the world that she hadn’t seen him since the day he left. Ryan let it go, but from that day forward he never really trusted her again. Now he knew she’d lie to his face with such conviction and sincerity that it was shocking. But, like every bad poker player, she had a tell that Ryan picked up on. The more she swore to God, or on her mother’s grave, or promised she’d never lie about something so stupid, the more Ryan knew she was lying. The bigger or more unbelievable the lie, the more she’d defend that lie to the end. She lied to him again and again and Ryan learned to accept it. He had to. Every time he confronted her it would cause World War III. She’d usually walk out or threaten to leave him forever.
So many women fell at Ryan’s feet – practically threw themselves at him, but he chose the one woman he could never have. For years he wondered whether Faith ever loved him at all. When the truth could no longer be ignored - that the woman he loved was unwilling, or incapable, of giving him the same love in return – Ryan became angry. He was angry at his wife, angry at himself, and angry at the life he created. He knew that his sweet little wife could walk away at any moment and take his whole world with her. As the years passed by, it became clear that she would leave one day. It was just a matter of time, and she would be gone.
The day Flint showed Ryan the photos of Faith and Paul together outside the restaurant, Ryan was devastated. He was determined to do anything to save his marriage – to hold on to the jewel that was slipping through his fingers. He did anything and everything to keep his wife and family, but it was all too late. Her heart was as hard as a stone.
There was once a dog with a big, juicy, bone. He walked up to a pond and saw his own reflection in the water. He thought it was another dog with a bigger bone. The dog opened his mouth to grab the “bigger bone” and dropped his own bone in the water and now had none.
Well, the day finally came when Faith threw everything away to chase after a bigger dream – and that dream was a con man named Paul. After Paul, it was some other con man. What if she actually married one of these guys? He couldn’t simply sit back and let that happen.
The ink was barely dry on the divorce papers before the kid’s grades started slipping. Colt hated living with his Mom, and every time he had to go back he threw a fit. He told his Mom how he felt, but Faith wouldn’t listen. Ryan begged her to let Colt live with him, but she wouldn't even talk about it. When Ryan found out Faith took their only son to a child psychologist and was going to put him on medication, he knew he had to do something.
Ryan would return to that stack of photos of his wife with another man again and again. He knew he should burn them all, but he couldn’t. They were always waiting for him in the side drawer of his desk. Ryan’s anger was like a wildfire burning out of control. It was more than he could handle. Ryan wasn’t thinking right. Everything he did seemed completely justified at the time. Wouldn't anyone do whatever they must to save their children?
– CHAPTER 28 –
W hen Ryan was a child he had a giant Superman kite. He’d sit on the side of a hill near his house and fly the kite, sometimes for hours. One day when the kite went down he set the ball of string beside him on that hill. The wind picked up, and the kite gave one last tug causing the ball of string to bounce all the way down the hill and into the thicket below. Ryan collected the string as he walked down the hill, but by the time he got to the bottom he was holding nothing but a wad of tangles, twigs, grass, and leaves.
The more he tried to untangle the string the more tangled it became. Ryan eventually gave up. He cut all the tangles out of the string and tied the two pieces back together again. Up close you could see the mended string, but once the kite was high in the sky it looked perfect. Still, even as a young boy, Ryan was afraid that one day the knot he tied in the string would come loose, and his kite would fly away forever.
Ryan’s life was just like that string. What was once a desperate plan to save his children somehow went horribly wrong. Ryan didn't really think things through––but who can think these kinds of things through to the end?
First, a year or so after Faith was sentenced, the anger that was a raging fire died down to an ember. What once seemed justified, even necessary to save his children, now seemed insane – even to Ryan.
Second, the prison was way too harsh. Yes, he wanted Faith to pay – maybe even suffer a little – that’s why he chose Thailand. It had tough prisons, little sympathy for drug dealers, and an archaic legal system. This, however, was beyond anything he’d imagined. The massive overcrowding, the food and water, and the baths were horrible. It’s hard to believe this could still exist in modern times.
Finally, there was the sentence Faith received. Ryan knew Faith would get a long prison sentence, but thought she would be transferred back to America after a year or so. Then he learned from Sassen that there is no early transfer out of prison when a person is caught with such a large amount of drugs. Her final sentence was essentially a death sentence.
Ryan spent the first years trying to unravel, or cut out, the tangles he created. He received a couple letters from Faith to the kids, but he had the only key to the mailbox at the end of the street, and he kept it that way for years. As far as his kids were concerned, their Mother left to start over with another man. Ryan made sure they knew her leaving had nothing to do with them.
Faith’s father died right after the trial. Her mother died six months later. Now the only grandparents left were his own parents. Faith’s brother called a couple of times, but eventually he stopped when he was never able to talk to the kids. Faith’s best friend, Sharon, knew she was no more welcome at his house than a thief in the night. She eventually moved to Arkansas with some guy.
Grace was the first to search for her mom. She was so angry after her mom never called, or even wrote, to congratulate her on graduating from high school. When Colt died it was the last straw. Ryan was shocked to learn there was an old news story still out there, and Grace had it. It was brief, but it provided just enough information to help someone who really wanted to find Faith. That damn news story! There was nothing Ryan could do. Once a story goes out on the AP wire there is no secret file cabinet where it can “just disappear.”
After Faith passed away there was no one left to make waves. Everything looked fine from far away, but Ryan knew better. The string had too many tangles. Ryan tried to cut out the tangles and put the string back together like nothing ever happened. He always feared that one day he’d get a knock on the door from the police, and his whole world would fly away forever. His nightmares would never let him
forget. Now, after ten years, he received that knock on the door he had feared for so long. He just never thought it’d be his youngest daughter on the other side.
Hope Brunick
“Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops.”
–– Luke 12:2-3
“It's hard to accept the truth when the lies were exactly what you wanted to hear. ”
––Author Unknown
– CHAPTER 29 –
C hristmas at our house is always grand. We have a large tree and decorations all over the house and yard. There’s no need for fancy candles. The whole place smells of the cookies, candies, and peanut brittle that Mom bakes every year. There are so many presents under the tree, and most of them are for Bonnie. This year she’s the star of the show. She’s getting a car to drive and a dollhouse with three floors. The house is full, the yard is full, and the guesthouse is full.
Bonnie has almost completely recovered from nearly drowning in the pool. The biggest fears never came about. Any longer in the pool and she would’ve had permanent brain damage. Other than some minor motor difficulties that should go away with time, she is just like before. Really, it's a miracle.
My dad almost ripped the whole pool out of the ground and filled the hole with dirt. Instead, he did everything imaginable to make it safe. Now every door going to the back yard always stays locked. The outside gates have a code to get in. When kids are in the house and no one’s swimming in the pool, it stays covered. As a final precaution, there’s an alarm on the pool in case anyone, or anything, falls in.
The whole family will be home for Christmas. I fly in on Thursday night. Grace and her husband drive in on Saturday. Sunday afternoon when everyone returns from church, my dad asks Grace and I if we can talk in his office. Most talks happen around the dinner table. A talk in the office is always more serious. I have no idea what it’s all about.
“So how’s school going Hope?” Dad begins.
I look at Grace and then at Dad thinking, Is this why I’m in here?
I shrug my shoulders and say, “Good.”
“How were your finals?”
“They’re okay…I think I made all A’s this semester.”
“Great,” Dad says with a big smile.
I haven’t had many of these talks in his office. In the last years I saw Colt in here often and he never came out laughing. This one is starting really weird. These are the kinds of questions my dad could have knock out at the dinner table with everyone listening. Suddenly, dad and Grace are silent. I look back at Grace, who has her head down. It makes me feel like she’s in on whatever is going on.
“What’s going on here?” I ask.
My dad says, “Hope, I was looking at my cell phone bill from two months ago and saw that you had some roaming charges from outside the country.”
I take a deep breath, and sit back in my chair. Oh God…I’m in big trouble! I cover my face with my hands and, through my fingers, say, “I was going to tell you. I went to Thailand.” I brace myself for the worst.
“It’s okay, Hope,” my dad says relieving my fears. “I was concerned, so I asked Grace if she knew anything about it. I pretty much cornered her in.”
I take another deep breath and say, “Mr. Chastain insisted I find Mom. I didn’t want to do it, but he wouldn’t let it go. Week after week he kept pressing––wanting to know more about my mom, how I felt about it, making me talk about it.”
I start to get emotional. My eyes turn red, and tears rest in the corners. “It’s just that we never talk about Mom. I know it’s hard for you, Dad. I understand it’s not easy for you to talk about her, but she was my mom. I tried to keep it all inside, but….well….I guess it all came out in counseling.” I rub my eyes to stop myself from crying. “I don’t think I ever knew how much Mom really hurt me––hurt us all. I think part of me blamed myself. I was the youngest, and I think it was too much for her. Maybe she didn’t want so many kids.” The last words come out a little shaky. Then tears roll down my cheeks.
Dad squats down in front of me and says, “Honey no! Don’t even think that. Your mom loved you very much.”
“That’s what Mr. Chastain said. He wanted me to find Mom––to talk to her. When I found out she was in Thailand…I don't know, I had to go.”
Grace leans over and takes my hand. Dad shakes his head and says, “It’s okay Hope, I understand.”
“I thought she just left us. Then I found out she was in Thailand on drug charges. It’s like everything I knew about her was wrong. I didn’t know what to think. Was this better because it explained why she never visited or worse because she would do something so stupid? I wanted to see her––to find out why?”
“Grace told me all about it,” Dad says. “I’m sorry to hear about your mom.”
I nod my head and wipe my nose with a tissue.
“I heard you talked to Mom’s close friend, Madi,” dad says.
“Mali,” I correct him.
“That’s it––Mali,” he says, “Did you see her?”
“No,” I say, talking clearer now. “She died a few months after Mom. Mom had another friend. Her name is Tian. I met her while I was there. Oh Dad, she’s so nice. She has this beautiful, little, baby girl.”
“Did she tell you anything about your mother?”
I’m surprised Dad is so interested in my trip. It feels good to be able to talk about things. “I don't know. It wasn’t easy to talk to her because she barely spoke English. She told me a little about the prison. It sounded horrible. Mom was there when she arrived. Evidently, Mom took her in and took care of her just like she was her own daughter. She really loved Mom. She kept saying Mom was so kind. Mom even led a yoga class and taught women how to speak English.”
I pause for a second to prepare myself for what I’m about to say. “Mom got really, really sick. She wouldn’t eat or drink. I think she wanted to die. Mali and Tian were at the hospital when Mom died. They sat by Mom’s side. They tried to feed Mom but she wouldn’t eat or drink. She just laid there in the hospital bed.” I start crying again as my conversation with Tian plays over in my mind. I wipe away my tears and continue. “Right before she died, Tian and Mali started crying. Mom looked at them and said…..” I’m crying and can’t catch my breath. I have to stop for a second before going on.
Grace has always been the more logical one in the family. She rarely cries, but she hasn’t heard this before. She was holding my hand, but now she sits in front of me, and takes me in her arms. I take a deep breath and say, “Mom said, ‘Don’t cry. I’m going…..I’m going to be with Jesus.’”
Grace now starts crying. Dad’s eyes turn red. He puts his face down to hide his tears. No one says a word.
After Grace sits up, I take out my cell phone and scan through my photos until I find the one of me, Tian, and Tian’s little baby girl. “This is her,” I say, “This is Tian.”
Grace takes my phone, studies the picture, and hands it to Dad. The realization that she’s the last person to see our mom alive isn’t lost on anyone. “This….this is amazing Hope,” Dad says. I can hear the crack in his voice. “I'm really proud of you. Your mom would be proud of you.”
“So you’re not mad at me or anything?”
“Not at all, sweetie. I just wish you would’ve told me. As you know, I went to Thailand. I tried to help your mom. Some of the places there can be pretty scary. I would have wanted to make sure you were safe. Either Kate or I could have gone with you.”
“It’s okay, Dad,” I say regaining my composure. “Everything’s okay.”
“Hope, I wanted to talk with you, because Grace told me you’ve been calling Zachary Bell.”
“Zachary Bell is a drug dealer,” I explain like I’m sharing some earth-shattering news. “He was arrested for selling drugs right around the time M
om went to prison.”
Dad sits back in his chair with his elbows on his desk. He puts his laced hands against his mouth, and listens carefully.
“I’m pretty sure he’s the guy Mom was dating. I don't think she knew the drugs were in her bag. I really don’t. I think he put the drugs in there. I think he set her up.”
Dad starts shaking his head like he disagrees.
“Yes Dad,” I demand in frustration. “He did it!”
I think I got through. Dad puts his hands on his desk and says, “Hope, you might be right.”
“I know I’m right, Dad. I have to do something. He’s out there free, while my mom’s buried in a mass grave in some field in Thailand. I couldn’t even visit her gravesite.”
My dad sits back down at his desk and looks at Grace and I. “Girls, I’ve always protected you, but you’re not children anymore. You’re old enough to know the truth.” Before continuing, he reaches inside his desk drawer, pulls out a digital voice recorder, and sets it in front of us. “I found out your mom was in prison so I went to see her––to help her.
“That’s what Mr. Sassen told me,” I say.
“Girls, I loved your mom. I’m sure I’ll always love her. Well, she wasn’t doing well. I tried to convince her that her boyfriend, this Zachary Bell, was no good, but she didn’t want to believe it. At first, she didn’t even want to give me his name and other information. Well, I found out it was all a lie. This guy was using a fake name, a fake driver’s license, a fake passport––everything. She actually thought his name was Christian. His name was really Zachary Bell.”
“I knew it,” I say looking at Grace. “I knew he did it.”
“Hope, this guy is very dangerous, and he’s not alone.. He works for some very powerful people. I didn’t have to dig very deep before some guys came to my office. They had guns. They threatened to kill me….to kill my kids.”
The Beginning of Hope: The Highly Anticipated, Mind-Blowing Sequel to the Killing of Faith (The Killing of Faith Series Book 2) Page 16
