by Marci Bolden
“Just in a different way.”
Eva glared across the table at Alexa. “What is your point?”
“You said you ended things with Josh because he couldn’t handle your line of work. Maybe, Ms. Eva, you couldn’t handle his. Nothing about being a coroner screams alpha male, does it? He’s not a cop. He’s definitely not an adrenaline junkie like law enforcement officials tend to be. He’s just sweet, quiet Josh who worries every single day that you’re going to get hurt. And you’re not used to that. You’re used to tough guys. Josh isn’t a tough guy.”
“No.” Recalling how sore he was after their short trip to the gym, she snickered. “He’s not.”
“But you were attracted to him anyway. For a long time. Why do you think that is?”
Eva didn’t answer. She needed to change the subject, get her focus back on the Jupiter Heights Voyeur case, but something held her fast, staring into Alexa’s soft brown eyes.
“Because he wanted more than just a quick lay and a pat on the ass as he left.”
That made Eva blink.
“He cares about you. Genuinely. Down to his core. And that terrifies you.”
Eva opened her mouth, but no words came out. After a solid four to five seconds of acting like a damn guppy—mouth open, mouth closed, and then open again—she flipped Alexa the bird. “Help me with this case or fuck off.”
Alexa rolled her head back and laughed.
Holly marched into the room, grabbing the remote for the flat screen. “Josh is on the news.”
“What?” Eva asked as the television came to life.
Eva tuned out the newscaster talking about the horrific murder as she watched Josh in the background, well beyond the yellow tape that had been used to block the scene of a crime.
Alexa gasped, and Eva blinked, finally listening and not just seeing.
“We are being told the victim was just four years old,” the woman said.
Eva’s heart clenched in her chest. This was a tragedy all around, but she couldn’t help thinking how this would impact Josh.
“Did he use a cover story at the condo?” Holly asked. “Eva?”
Blinking, she focused on the team’s lead investigator. “Huh?”
She pointed to the television. “Did Josh’s cover just get blown?”
“Uh, no. No, we said he was a doctor, but we didn’t specify what kind. If anyone asks, we can just tell them he prefers to keep that to himself to avoid questions. We can work around this.”
Holly’s relief was palpable, but then her frown returned and she focused on the television again. “What the hell is wrong with people?”
Eva couldn’t answer that, but as she watched Joshua pushing a gurney with a black body bag to the coroner’s vehicle without an ounce of emotion on his face, she thought that she’d been wrong about him all along.
He was a tough guy. He was probably the toughest guy she’d ever known.
Josh slammed the condo door and toed his shoes off, kicking them to the side, not caring if the soles hit and scuffed the gray wall. Gray was a stupid fucking color for a wall anyway. Everything in this condo was stupid. The gray walls, the exposed ductwork, the goddamned windows. And the metal hooks that weren’t long enough to hang a fucking coat on.
Giving up, he cursed and threw his coat down. Pissed at the cooler weather the rain had brought and everything else he could think of.
Marching toward the bedroom, needing a hot shower to wash his day away, he barely glanced over when Eva dropped a folder on the coffee table and eyed him from behind her glasses. Seeing her like that, wearing thick-framed black spectacles that he thought made her even more beautiful, was almost enough to take the edge off his bad mood.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Fine.” The moment of reprieve was over. Her question reminded him of the toddler he’d spent the afternoon examining. Such a small little body on a long, cold steel table. He didn’t care if he was a coroner. He’d never get used to seeing death come to such innocents. Running his fingers through his hair, he continued his trip to the bedroom.
He’d just dug a pair of lounge pants from his dresser drawer when she appeared in the doorway.
“I saw the news,” she said quietly. “About the boy killed today. Saw you at the scene.”
“I can’t talk about it.”
“I didn’t ask for details.”
Slamming one drawer, he opened another. “He was only four years old.”
“They arrested his father.”
“He’s still dead,” he said.
He was looking for a T-shirt when she slid her arms around his waist. She hugged him tight, resting her cheek against his back. Though he wanted to push her away and cling to his anger, a wave of warmth washed over him. Stress whooshed out on a breath, and he covered her hands with his.
This.
This was what he missed the most. The peace that Eva brought to his soul on the darkest of days. Whatever he’d done to upset her couldn’t possibly be serious enough for her to want to lose this. This had to be worth so much more than her pride. Why couldn’t she see that?
“I’m sorry,” Eva whispered, as if she’d heard his thoughts.
Josh shook his head. “No. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to take my bad day out on you.”
“I can handle it,” she reassured him.
“But it’s not fair.”
“Not much in this life is.”
Closing his eyes, he dared to turn in her embrace and pull her even closer. She didn’t fight his hold as he buried his face in her hair. Her scent filled him, erasing the stench of the brutal death he’d been immersed in earlier. But the images… Those weren’t so easily forgotten.
“He smashed his little skull with a hammer, Eva.”
“Shhh,” she soothed as he choked on the statement and hugged him even tighter.
Warmth spread across his shirt, just a small spot where the material absorbed a tear from her eye. Eva wasn’t a crier. The only time he’d ever seen tears in her eyes were cases—his or those from HEARTS—that involved children. Those cases ate at them, both of them.
Josh probably would have held her there forever, losing himself in the feel of her, but she leaned back.
“Are you hungry?”
“No.”
“Okay,” she said softly. “Start a bath. I’ll grab you a drink.”
He didn’t move as she left him. He couldn’t. He felt hollowed out. This day had drained every ounce of strength he had. He was still standing where she’d left him when she returned with two drinks in her hands. Instead of the sarcastic retort that he would usually get from her, she offered a sympathetic smile as she bypassed him and went into the bathroom.
The tub in the condo wasn’t as large as the one they used to submerge into at her apartment, but it was big enough for him to stretch out a bit more than in the average bath. By the time he leaned against the doorjamb, she was sitting on the tiled edge, testing the temperature as water poured from the spigot.
“Jack’s right,” he said without thinking. “I do love you.”
She didn’t respond. The rushing water had drowned out his words.
He considered repeating his confession but thought maybe it was best if she didn’t hear. The last thing he needed to deal with tonight was Eva dancing around telling him she didn’t feel the same.
She looked over her shoulder then, offered him a supportive smile, and then returned her attention to the bath she was running for him. She pressed the button to start the jets, and he crossed the room. Kneeling beside her, he rested his hands on her thigh. Her bright eyes met his, and he smiled. The questions in her eyes were clear, but she didn’t put her guard up. That was a big step for them. For both of them.
Usually she tossed sarcasm at him to keep an emotional mile of distance, to keep him on the other side of the wall. She was letting him in now, likely because she knew his soul was aching from the hell he’d seen. Turning him away would be cruel. Eva was to
ugh, hard when she needed to be, but she could never be cruel.
Part of him wanted to shove his way into the door she was opening for him, but that would cause her to shut down. “Thanks,” he said. “I appreciate you taking care of me.”
She ruffled his hair, but the motion was lacking the usual teasing. This had a caring, protective vibe to it. “Always, Joshie.”
Even the dreaded nickname sounded loving in that moment and brought a bit more peace to his heart.
“I’ll make some dinner, okay?”
Standing, he took a step back to give her room. “Sounds good. Thanks.” Putting his hand to her arm, he stopped her before she left him alone and put his lips to her forehead. He cupped the back of her head and stole one more sweet moment that he could commit to his memory before this passed and they went back to their normal lives, pretending their feelings didn’t run nearly as deep as they both knew they did.
Once alone, he sat on the edge where she’d been watching the water fall into the tub. The movement mesmerized him, the sound of the jet motors hypnotizing him. He stared until a knock on the door broke his trance.
“Josh? Can I come in?”
“Sure,” he answered.
Eva opened the door and peered in as if afraid of what she’d see. Her face fell into a frown when she spied him. “I thought you’d be soaking by now. I was checking to see if you needed another beer.”
Closing the door behind her, she crossed the bathroom and turned off the water. It had risen so high, it’d likely overflow if he climbed in. Reaching in, she turned the plug and let the water start draining. Kneeling in front of him, she looked up and searched his eyes as if she could see his soul. Without asking, she reached for the buttons of his shirt, releasing them until she could push the material off his shoulders. After tossing it aside, she replugged the drain, tugged his undershirt off, and then pulled him to his feet.
She gripped his waistband, tugged, and then grinned. “You can handle this part on your own.”
He did. He released his belt and pushed his pants down as she turned off the overhead light, leaving only the vanity lights on a timer to soften the mood in the bathroom. He climbed into the tub, hissing a bit at the temperature, which was a little hotter than he would have liked, but he didn’t complain. He sank down, leaning back, and closed his eyes.
He didn’t open them again until he felt her climbing into the other end of the tub. Just like she used to do. The lights were so dim and she moved so quickly he could barely make out her body, but he’d memorized how she looked naked the first time he’d seen her without clothing. He could clearly remember the light triangle of hair over her pubic bone. The light pink areolas around nipples that reacted to the lightest of touches. He had no doubt they were pebbled now, hard against the current the jets were creating, just like they used to harden under the flicking of his tongue.
She grinned when he finally lifted his gaze to hers. He couldn’t see her breasts through the shadows playing on the water, but he certainly had been staring hard enough to try. He smiled, too, just a slightly embarrassed grin.
“Sorry. Men and boobs.”
Leaning forward a bit, she made a show of peering at his crotch, though he guessed her view was just as obstructed as his. “Sorry,” she said, raising her eyes to his. “Women and cocks.”
They both chuckled as she sat back.
“This isn’t an invitation to sex,” she said. “That would be a huge mistake for both of us. But I know how much being like this helps you, and I want to help you.”
The weight of his burden returned, but it wasn’t nearly as heavy as it had been even ten minutes prior. He didn’t need sex. She knew that. He just needed her and their undeniable emotional connection. Feeling her close to him was all he needed.
Running his hand over her shin, he soaked in the feel of her as much as he soaked in the heat of the water and the soft pounding of the water jets. Nothing could ever take away the horror of what he’d seen, but having Eva this close, taking care of him as only she could, was the closest he’d ever get to making peace with it.
9
Sipping her coffee, Eva tried to block out the sound of Josh stirring eggs behind her. The continuous clink of the fork against the bowl echoed through the condo and grated on her nerves. She hadn’t slept well the night before, and no amount of coffee was going to take the irritation from her at the moment. “Josh,” she stated as kindly as she could. “They’re ready.”
He stopped his rhythmic motion and blinked at her as if he needed time to digest her words. “Sorry. I was…elsewhere.”
Easing her cup down, she softened her approach. “You okay?”
His smile seemed genuine. Sad but genuine. “Yeah. Thanks again for getting me through last night.”
Mention of the evening before sent her thoughts reeling. After his bath, they’d sat at the table in their PJs eating dinner, engaging in quiet conversation instead of their new habit of hitting the condo’s gym before unwinding for the evening. After they’d crawled into bed, he tossed and turned until she’d curled into him. He’d turned, pulled her against him, and they’d fallen asleep in a tangle of arms and legs.
They’d woken up that way the last few days, shrugged it off, and moved on. This morning, however, his heat seeped into her skin and touched her in a way she hadn’t permitted before. Ever before. That should be a good thing, right?
She didn’t understand the cloud that had hovered over her since waking with his arms around her. No. That wasn’t accurate. She knew exactly what was bothering her.
He’d said words they’d never said before. He might have thought she hadn’t heard him tell her that he loved her as she’d run his bath, but she had. She’d heard him clearly. She hadn’t responded because…because maybe he hadn’t meant it. Maybe his heart was broken from the death of a child and he was hurting and needed to feel connected to someone and she was there. Maybe he was emotional from the pain he’d had to shove down to do his job.
She knew how easy it was to say things when the brain was coming off an adrenaline high. She knew better than to trust the words that came from his mouth when he was so upset.
But damned if she didn’t want to. She’d left him to his bath and stared out the window thinking what if. What if he had meant it? What if Alexa was right and it wasn’t Josh’s fear for her safety that made her break up with him? What if everything she ever wanted was right there for the taking and she’d walked away because of fear and pride and a million other stupid things?
She kept a wall between her and the outside world, simply because she had to. She couldn’t have been a cop or a PI and seen some of the things she’d seen without having a tough exterior. But maybe Josh had been right when he’d told her so many times that it was okay to let him in. She almost had before he’d started freaking out about something happening to her and started asking her to stop doing her job. A job she loved. A job that defined her.
After he’d dozed off and started softly snoring, Eva had rolled Alexa’s point over in her mind. Eva was scared. Terrified. She’d let Josh in once, and he’d hurt her. The fact that that hadn’t been his intent didn’t take the sting away. She was used to being underestimated and mocked by other men, but coming from Josh, that lack of faith in her had felt like a hot knife slicing her heart. She didn’t want to feel that pain again.
Playing house for a few days had reminded her how good the good times had been but also made her recall the slap she felt every time he suggested she do something different with her life. Or take a different approach to solving crimes.
She’d accepted him for the geeky Star Trek groupie that he was. Or so she’d thought. But once again, she had to consider that maybe Alexa was right. Maybe Eva hadn’t been as open to Josh as she’d thought. She’d done plenty of her own nudging to get him to do things she was more interested in.
The man had taken a knife-throwing class, for fuck’s sake. She was 99.9 percent certain he never would have done
that if she hadn’t cajoled him into it. No. If it’d been up to Josh, they would have gone to Comic-Con dressed like aliens or superheroes. She’d never done that for him. She’d never given him an inch. She’d always insisted that they compromise, but now, standing back, it certainly seemed like Josh was the only one who had.
He’d been surprised when she’d been so quick to take care of him, and she couldn’t help but wonder if that was because she’d been so lacking in that department before. She wasn’t a natural nurturer. She knew that. She definitely could have given more and taken less. She could have been more sensitive to his needs. Being there for him last night had felt so right. They hadn’t crossed the line she’d put into place, but even so, she’d felt more connected to him in that bathtub sitting in silence as he processed and healed than she’d felt any time they’d been fucking.
Goddamn it. Why did this have to be so messy? Why weren’t relationships easy? Why couldn’t she be a PI and he be a geeky coroner and that be enough for both of them? It should be enough for both of them. She shouldn’t need him to be more, and he shouldn’t need her to be less to meet in the middle. And she sure as hell shouldn’t be so scared of taking care of him when he needed her.
“Do you want eggs?” Josh asked, breaking into her stream of thought.
Eggs? She blinked as he’d done before. “Uh. No. Thanks. You know, I was thinking,” she said before she could stop herself. “We should start binge-watching those superhero movies you’ve been trying to force me to sit through.”
His eyes lit. “The Avengers? You want to watch The Avengers?” His smile remained, but the brightness in his eyes dimmed. “You don’t have to do that, Eva. I’m okay. Really.”
She shrugged. “No, I mean. There’s a new one coming out soon, right?” Seemed like there was always a new one coming out soon. “You always tell me I need to get caught up before the next one. So catch me up.”
“You don’t have to—”
“Bring home a pizza. Something spicy and greasy. Maybe some wings.” She’d need the indigestion to help her through endless hours of him excitedly dissecting every detail of the movies.
