When I asked, James simply assured me Jared wasn’t responsible for the damage.
I had to hand it to James. In the month I’d been away, he’d straightened Jared out and gotten him on track. His schoolwork was done, his grades were slowly improving, and he was making an effort to be civil with me, even if we still rarely spoke.
I did what I could do to bridge the gap. Nothing would fix all the wrongs I’d committed, but I wasn’t going to stop trying. One day when Jared went next door in his spare time to work on restoring the car, I inched my way in and asked James if I could help, as well. And now, after a few weeks, Jared and I still weren’t friendly, but he accepted my presence and I got to be close to him, so I took what I could get.
Soon, though, I feared the car would be done and he’d find more trouble to get into. Especially when Tate came back from her year abroad next summer. I wasn’t sure what happened between them when they were fourteen and suddenly stopped being friends, but maybe this distance would be good for him.
I just hoped that shit wouldn’t hit the fan again when she finally came home.
“All righty, that’s done,” I said, straightening and dusting off my hands on my jeans.
“Here, hold this,” Jared requested, his tone clipped.
I walked around the front of the car and took the hose he handed me, the black, grainy grease staining my fingers.
He worked the wrench, tightening a notch.
“Don’t make it too tight,” I warned him.
“I know what I’m doing.”
And so do I. You’re making it too tight.
But I wouldn’t say that.
Just then, as I knew would happen, the notch snapped, and I heard metal pieces fall down into the engine.
“Damn it,” he growled in a low voice before standing up and snatching the hose away from me as if it was my fault.
I remained silent, like I hadn’t noticed. “Okay,” I said, realizing this was my cue. “I’m going to run and get us all some burgers and stop by Miller’s for the bulbs for the dash. I’ll be back soon.”
He ignored me as usual, and I grabbed the shop cloth, wiping off my hands and sticking it in my back pocket as I left the garage. The weather was turning chilly, but we could still get away with T-shirts and no jackets.
I didn’t want to admit it to Jared, because he would think I was trying to suck up to him, but getting under the hood of a car again felt really good. It felt like the old me, and I hadn’t realized how much I’d tried to be someone else for too long. I was sober, I had a good job that had waited for me to get clean, and my son was safe and healthy.
I might still feel the loneliness, and Jase may still cross my mind every day, several times a day, but I had to be thankful for what was good and keep moving forward. I was still young, after all. I still wanted to do things.
Climbing into my car, barely even blinking at the smudges of grease on my jeans and fitted gray T-shirt, I tightened my messy bun and slipped on my sunglasses, deciding to head to Miller’s first.
Jared usually handled any repairs on my car, so he was in here a lot. Me, not since he was small.
“Kat!” Deena beamed, holding out her arms as I walked into the store. “Damn, girl. Where’ve you been?”
I smiled, stretching over the counter to give her a hug. She’d worked here since her youngest started school, and I knew her boys loved it. They mooched off her discount. I knew Jared raced out at the Loop, but I wasn’t sure if he’d ever run into her son, Nate. They were the same age.
“Hanging in there,” I told her. I didn’t care to mention my stint in rehab, but she probably already knew. We’d fallen out of touch in the past couple of years, but it wasn’t a big town, and news traveled quickly.
“Jared is repairing James Brandt’s Chevy Nova,” I explained. “Do you have bulbs for the dash lights?”
“That’s a ’71, right?” she asked, probably remembering from all the trips James and Jared had made here already this fall. “You can take a look. If we don’t have them, I can order them.”
“Thanks.”
Walking down the aisles, I scanned the parts and finally found the bulbs I thought they would need. If I was wrong, they were cheap, so no big deal. Seeing the bulbs for the dome light, I grabbed that as well, just in case.
“I can’t it make it look like new,” I heard a male voice whine. “Not like they do at the repair shop.”
I smiled, recognizing Madoc’s voice pretty well by now.
He was over at our place frequently, and I’d thought it would be hard to be around him, but he was so unlike his father. So cheerful and happy, always making jokes. Plus, he was Jared’s only real friend, and I couldn’t take that away from him.
Stepping around the corner, I saw him standing at a selection of spray paints, buffers, and other tools. Jase stood with him, both of them dressed casually, since it was Saturday. My heart picked up pace, but I simply took a deep breath and forced myself to relax again.
“I’m not paying for repairs every time you dent up your car at the Loop,” Jase barked. “You can learn how to fix your own dents, damn it. If I knew you were going to be racing with this thing, I would’ve bought you a piece-of-crap Honda.”
“Ugh.” Madoc frowned. “I love you so much more when you just give me your credit card.”
“Yeah,” Jase mused. “Like I’ve never heard that from either of my wives.”
Madoc snorted, breaking out in a laugh, and Jase smiled in turn, sharing the joke with him.
“I’m sorry,” he rushed to add. “I love your mother. You know that.”
Madoc shook his head. “I’m going to go check out tires.”
“You just got new tires.”
“I’m just looking,” Madoc assured, disappearing around the corner.
I stared at Jase’s back as he watched Madoc go, my heart still thundering but my breathing remained calm.
I knew I should turn around and walk away, but a larger part of me knew I could do this. I had to do this. Running, hiding, avoiding anything difficult . . . that was my past. Jase was only as dangerous as I let him be.
He’d made good on my request all those years ago. Other than the phone call after we’d picked up Jared and Madoc at school freshman year, he’d left me alone. He wasn’t a threat, and I wasn’t going to make him one. Our sons were friends, and I wasn’t going to let our past interfere with that. It was high time Jared stopped paying for my mistakes.
We could be civil and move past this.
“Hello,” I spoke up.
He twisted his head toward me, standing still as I approached with the two small packages in my hand.
“Hey.” His eyes fell down my clothes, and I suddenly remembered that I was absolutely filthy. Awesome. Every woman’s fantasy to see your ex with flyaways spilling out of your bun, grease stains on your hands and clothes and probably streaked across your face, too.
“Yeah, I know.” I laughed at myself. “I’m a mess.”
He swallowed hard and shook his head. “I wasn’t going to say that.”
I noticed the spray can and a couple of other bottles tucked in his arm, and I gestured to them. “Looks like your boy’s costing you about as much as mine is costing me.”
“Yeah.” He nodded absently, looking like he barely heard me. “I . . . I heard Jared’s helping repair James’s car.”
“Something to keep him busy,” I explained, knowing that Jase probably knew about Jared’s arrest from Madoc. “He’s staying out of trouble now. I’m not sure he’s okay, but he’s better.” And then I looked away, feeling guilty again. “I did a lot wrong with him.”
“Yeah, well,” he replied, looking somber. “Madoc hasn’t been a piece of cake, either. He keeps a lot buried and just puts on a good show.”
Yeah, I wouldn’t know about that. I always k
new when Jared was ready to lose it. But I could imagine it was just as frustrating to try to communicate with a child who lied to you about what they were feeling, too.
“You’re doing well?” he asked, moving closer.
His scent drifted over me, and I held my breath, afraid of the attraction for a moment.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I’m doing great. I’m a managing partner of the accounting firm now, and I . . .” I laughed at myself, kind of embarrassed, “I got it in my head that I’d try to run a half marathon next spring, so I’m trying to get in shape.”
Actually, anything to keep me busy. Anything to keep me from being bored and thinking too much.
Jase held my eyes, and drew in a deep breath.
“And you?” I asked. “How’ve you been?”
But he didn’t seem to hear me. His hand drifted toward me and reached my neck, and I stilled as his thumb rubbed at a spot there.
His chest rose and fell in heavy breaths, and he seemed mesmerized. Pulling his hand away, he rubbed his thumb over his fingers, staring at it. “Grease,” he explained.
Flutters hit my stomach, but I steeled myself.
It will never be over. I heard his words in my head. I blinked long and hard.
No.
Opening my eyes, I forced a smile and returned the favor, giving him a once-over and taking in his blue cargo shorts and white polo shirt.
“What are you wearing?” I asked.
His eyebrows pinched together in confusion, and he looked down at his clothes. “Nothing. It’s just a . . . golf polo, I guess.”
“You don’t golf.”
“Things could’ve changed,” he shot back, joking with me. “Why? You don’t like it? I’m told it’s fashionable.”
“It’s not.”
I turned around and scanned the clothing, sifting through the coveralls and aprons, finding the T-shirt selection. I knew Jase owned T-shirts, but they were the sixty-five-dollar kind from Ralph Lauren.
Picking up a gray one that probably only cost ten bucks, I tossed it to him.
“Your shoulders are one of your best features,” I told him. “Keep it simple. Women don’t want a man who looks like he’d screw them on twenty-four-hundred-dollar sheets, Jase.” I mocked. “They want a man who looks like he’d bend them over a kitchen table.”
His eyebrow shot up, and all of a sudden he didn’t look nervous anymore.
“Remember,” I taunted. “They marry the lawyer. They screw the plumber.”
He laughed, but his eyes turned heated, and he took a step forward, looking like he’d just been challenged and he was accepting.
“Is that right?” he responded. “Because I seem to remember someone saying how good those sheets felt on her twenty-first birthday.” And then he shrugged. “But I guess that was my imagination.”
I offered him a nervous smile and began retreating as he inched into my space. Yeah, I shouldn’t have joked with him about this. Maybe we could be civil for our sons’ sakes, but moving up to banter had escalated things too fast. Those sheets had felt great, but I wasn’t ready to remember that right now.
We stood chest to chest, everything from so long ago flooding back to swamp me. His eyes hovering down over me, his smell, the heat of his body . . .
“It comes back so easily, doesn’t it?” I mused.
He stared down at me. “It never left.”
Reaching out, he held my face in his hand. “I’ve dialed your number thousands of times,” he whispered. “And every time I forced myself to hang up, I wanted to fucking break everything around me.”
He leaned in, his shaky, hot breath falling on my lips.
But I turned my head. “I can’t.”
“I know.” He hovered over my mouth.
And then he dropped his eyes, a hint of sadness in them. “I’ll always love you, Kat.”
I nodded, feeling old tears well up. “I know.” I pulled away, forcing a weak smile. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have teased you. Old habits die hard, I guess.”
But not too hard.
I paid for my items and left the store, still feeling the heartbreak, but reassured that I was finally strong enough to walk away.
• • •
Jase . . .
The rain pummeled my windshield as I sat in my car, outside her house. Madoc had gone home to work on his car, and I’d been driving around, cruising every street except for Fall Away Lane. I couldn’t stand to be home. I didn’t want to see my office, my bed, or all the photos on the wall of a fictitious life I’d invented. All the pictures of me smiling through the lies I’d been living for forty-two years.
Stepping out my car, I walked through the downpour, not caring that I was getting drenched as I climbed the steps of her porch.
This was supposed to be my house. The house I was going to live in when I married her, and if I’d had the guts to do what I wanted to do from the moment she was nineteen and slapped me in the face, calling me an asshole, we’d be here with a house full of kids, and I wouldn’t hate myself so much.
Sacrifices and decisions aren’t hard for good people. For selfish ones like me, they’re hard until they’re no longer yours to make.
For people like me, we don’t truly realize what we want until the choice is taken away. Only then do we know.
I knocked on the door, a knot in my throat as I waited for her to answer. When the door opened, though, it was Jared looking at me. Dressed in a black hoodie and flipping his keys around his fingers as a little Boston terrier stood at his feet, he looked up at me with interest.
“Hey,” he said. “Madoc’s not here.”
“Yes, I know. I’m not looking for Madoc.”
His eyes narrowed on me, and I immediately wanted to shrink. I didn’t know how he did that, but I half expected him to back me up out the door and send me on my way.
Instead, though, he didn’t press. “Mom?” he called behind him. “I’m going to go visit Jax.”
“Okay,” I heard her reply. “Be careful driving.”
Jared tipped his chin at me and left the door open as he walked around me, the dog racing after him and both of them hopping into a black Mustang. I walked into the house, and before I closed the door, I heard his engine fire up. I was sure I had him to thank for getting Madoc into cars and racing.
Or him to blame.
The house was dim, the glow of a few lamps shining in the living room and family room. I continued down the hall toward the kitchen, hearing Kat move around in there. New pictures lined the walls, and I also saw that she had painted the living room and added some new bookshelves.
As I stopped at the entryway to the kitchen, I watched her at the sink, and it looked like she was peeling potatoes.
I slipped my hands in my pockets and took her in, remembering all the times I had just stood and watched her in the past. I loved to see her move around the house, making pancakes or putting laundry away or cooking dinner. I pretended that she was mine and I could stay forever and this was our life.
She moved her foot behind her ankle, scratching it with her toe, and the sudden desire to touch her was almost too much. She’d changed into a clean pair of jeans with a white shirt, and her hair was down.
Turning off the water, she grabbed the hand towel and wiped off her hands before spinning around.
Locking eyes with me, she let out a little gasp. “Jase.”
I held her gaze, having no fucking clue what I was doing or what I wanted to tell her, except everything.
I inhaled a long breath and looked down, because I needed to find my words, and I couldn’t do that staring at her.
“When I was four,” I told her, “I walked in on my father with another woman.” I finally raised my eyes, seeing her holding the towel as if frozen in the middle of drying her hands. “I don’t remember much, but
I still have the image, and for the longest time, I thought maybe I imagined it or it was a dream that had stuck with me.” I leaned against the door frame and kept going. “And then when I was sixteen I saw him touch my mother’s best friend at a party when he didn’t know anyone was looking. My mom knew. She knew everything. And still she constantly put on a brave face, trying to act like everything was fine and we were the perfect family.”
Her eyes shifted from side to side, hopefully absorbing what I hadn’t shared with anyone.
“I promised myself I would never do that to my family,” I explained. “I would never become my father. But then I met you, and I knew. You were the girl I was going to love.” My chest tightened, and I had to force the words out. “So I deluded myself. I told myself I wasn’t him. That I had good reasons for doing what I was doing. I was keeping my family together for my kid, doing what was best for him. I needed you. I kept telling myself that. I was falling apart, and what we had was special. You were the only one, after all. It wasn’t like I was a serial cheater. I wasn’t him.”
Tears pooled in her beautiful brown eyes, and I was fucking lost. God, I felt weak.
I licked my dry lips and continued, “And then one day, years ago, Madoc answered my cell phone, and it was you calling. I was so angry, I yelled at him. I saw me, four years old, all over again. He couldn’t find out, I told myself. He couldn’t look at me the way I looked at my dad. He wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t be a failure to him. He had to love me,” I gritted out, pain wracking my body, because I could still feel everything that tore me and her apart.
She clutched the towel in her hands, listening.
“The truth is,” I said, feeling my eyes grow thick with tears. “I knew what I should do, what I wanted to do, but I was afraid of being a failure, not realizing I became one anyway.”
I rushed forward and held her head in my hands, rubbing circles on her cheeks.
“I should’ve let Maddie go and been with you and only you,” I admitted. “I should’ve moved you into my house and made you my wife and had you in my bed every damn day.” I leaned down, nose to nose as her breath shook with silent tears. “I should’ve married you years ago, and Madoc and Jared would’ve grown up with two loving parents.”
Next to Never Page 15
