As Long as You Love Me

by Ann Aguirre

  “Deal.”

  My mom came home while I was in the shower. She yelled something up at me but I couldn’t catch it, so I shouted back, “Give me ten minutes.”

  It was more like half an hour, but I eventually came down in my robe, only to find Stuart and a couple of elderly people sitting in our living room. The woman was in a pretty floral dress while the men had on suits, and my mother looked beautiful with a new strand of pearls around her neck. Stuart’s eyes widened slightly while the woman blinked and the older man shifted his face away as if he was distressed by my dishevelment. Glancing down, I saw my robe had gaped open and I hauled it shut quickly, my hands shaking. They didn’t speak for several beats, leaving me with a sick hole opening in my stomach. “Uh, hi.”

  My mom wore the frozen look of a woman bound for purgatory. “Lauren, these are Stuart’s parents. We’re all going out to dinner at the Grove.”

  Humiliation nearly choked me, but fortunately, social, Party Lauren surged to the fore. There was nothing for it but to play the scene without proper costuming. “So nice to meet you. I hope you have a wonderful time. The food is fantastic there. But if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish getting ready now. I’m so sorry for coming down like this. I didn’t realize we had company.” I flashed the smile I’d been told was pert and charming and then retreated.

  For a full five minutes, I sat in a ball in front of my closed door, as my stomach roiled. I didn’t budge until I heard them leave. I fought the urge to bang my head on the wall, but no time for that—Rob would be here in twenty minutes, and I was spending the evening with his parents, a task that seemed fucking impossible. I tried, God, I tried to pull myself together before he got there, but I was still in my robe and on the verge of tears when the bell rang.

  I tiptoed downstairs, knees shaking. If they haven’t left yet...But there was nobody around, freeing me to let Rob in. When I opened the door, he asked, “Are you okay?”

  His gaze was fixed on my face, so it couldn’t be the robe giving him the impression I was a mess. In a breathless rush, I told him about making an ass out of myself in front of Stuart’s parents. This was the kind of thing normal people wrote off. They shrugged and went on, but if I let it, it would become another brick of anxiety in the wall that made me terrified of going places, talking to people. Each humiliating moment stuck to me like glue, a lifetime of fuckups that was driving me crazy, until I became someone else. But I couldn’t stand that life, either.

  By the time I finished, I was just about crying. Rob didn’t try to shush me. He didn’t tell me to calm down, either. He just picked me up and carried me to the couch, then settled me against his chest and stroked my back in long, slow sweeps. His touch calmed me faster than anything besides meds ever had. Normally I’d just go to bed and stay there for a day or two. He also didn’t mock how much I was overreacting to a small embarrassment, but the thing was, it wasn’t like I didn’t know that intellectually—some things just felt so horrible, I couldn’t do anything else.

  “Is there any way I can make it better?” he asked eventually.

  I exhaled. “You already are.”

  “You don’t have to go tonight, it’s okay. I don’t—”

  “No, I want to. Unless you can’t give me fifteen minutes?” Pushing to my feet, I aimed a questioning look his way, a little worried that he didn’t want me around, now that he’d seen my Achilles’ heel. I mean, I’d talked about it, but just hearing secondhand wasn’t the same as walking into a meltdown.

  “I’d give you fifteen years,” he said quietly.

  Please stop saying things like that. You’re making it so hard for teen-me. She already thought you were perfect, and it’s really hard to disagree.

  “Okay, then. I’ll be right down.”

  I rushed in getting ready, doing the minimum hair and makeup and pulling on the first decent outfit I found: jeans, red sweater, puffy jacket. By the time I added a pair of fur-lined boots, my time was almost up, and I ran down the stairs to find Rob watching TV calmly. He didn’t seem to have stirred, but my agitated subconscious had been sure he’d dodge out as soon as he had the chance. That’s what men do, they leave.

  But maybe not all of them. Not Rob.

  When he noticed me, he pushed to his feet. “You look beautiful. Ready?”

  “Are your parents expecting me?” The worst of the shaking had stopped, and though I normally wouldn’t go out after freaking, it was good to push through it when possible.

  “Yeah, I called to tell my mom and to let her know I’d be a little late.”

  He helped me into my jacket and escorted me to the truck, but as far as I could tell, his manner hadn’t changed much; Rob wasn’t more protective or less, failing to make eye contact or staring at me too much. That was kind of...amazing.

  “You don’t think I’m an idiot?” I managed to ask, once we pulled out of the driveway.

  “You’re human. Would you make fun of me if you found out I was scared of spiders?”

  “Are you?” I wondered aloud.

  “Kind of. When I was a kid, I woke up with one crawling on my face, and I screamed the house down. My dad’s never let me forget it to this day.”

  “Well, I’m not afraid, so if we run into any, I’ll handle them for you. I’m not a killer, though, so I’ll just put them outside.”

  “Where they’ll freeze to death,” he joked.

  “Probably. But I just don’t have it in me to crush things.”

  “That’s part of what I...” He trailed off, suddenly absorbed in navigation, though he could likely find his parents’ house in his sleep.

  “What?”

  “Like about you.” But he didn’t look at me as he said it, and I had the feeling that was a substitution. But Rob didn’t love me. He couldn’t.

  It’s too soon.

  Though that was the wrong word also, since we’d known each other so long. Whatever this was had been years in the making. Deliberately I turned up the radio, giving him space. He relaxed visibly, and things were normal between us when we pulled up at Casa Conrad. His mom was already in the door, waving, like it had been months since she’d seen him. She was sweet and affectionate that way.

  “So good to see you. What a surprise. How’s Nadia doing?”

  I didn’t have the heart to admit that I talked to Rob a lot more these days. I missed Nadia so much. Like she’d said, we had been together, inseparable, for years, so the separation sucked. Lately I woke up wanting to whisper to her like we used to, but instead I had an empty room. Sometimes I got up to reread her emails. The distance between us had started because I couldn’t admit my real problems to her, and I had no idea how to fix things, how to get back to where we were.

  So I said, “Last I knew, she’s insanely busy with school, work and the practicum. I don’t know how she does it.” Nadia was already working with special needs students a few days a week, and it sounded taxing.

  Mrs. Conrad beamed. “I know. We’re so proud of her.”

  At my back, Rob stiffened, and I had to wonder how often he’d heard that. Time to change the subject. “What’s for dinner? Something smells wonderful.”

  “Homemade potpies—do you like them?” she asked, ushering me into the house.

  “It would be impossible not to. It’s so cool of you to feed me. My mom’s quite the social butterfly these days.”

  “So I hear. You’ll have to tell me all about Stuart. She’s too busy to gossip like we used to. Oh, dang, I need to...” Mrs. Conrad hurried to the kitchen with a mumbled request for us to take a seat.

  There, that wasn’t so bad. My anxiety receded. For him, I could do this, even tonight.

  Rob pressed a hand between my shoulder blades to draw my attention and when I glanced up, he smiled. I glimpsed an ocean of gratitude in his blue eyes.

 
CHAPTER TWELVE

  A week and a half later, I’d survived both dinner with Rob’s parents and my first few days on the job. As expected, my new boss was kind of a pervert, but the woman I was replacing explained some tricks for keeping him in check, like never being alone with him behind closed doors and helping the sales and garage crew as much as possible.

  “Why?” I asked.

  Shelly paused in packing up her desk. This was the last day she’d be working with me. After today, I was on my own. “If the salesmen and the mechanics like you, they’ll step in if they see Davies bothering you.”

  “Step in, how?”

  “Ask you for a file or to make a call, maybe a cup of coffee.”

  “Ah, so I have an excuse to leave.”

  She nodded. “It’s not like you’re the manager’s personal assistant. You’re expected to support the dealership as needed.”

  “Are you leaving because you can’t put up with it anymore?”

  “Nope. I’m moving to Omaha. My fiancé and I got transferred.”

  “Well, good luck.”

  Before Shelly left, they threw a farewell party for her with sparkling cider and cupcakes—and the guys from the service center seemed really bummed, which told me I had big shoes to fill. But all told, it wasn’t that much different from working in the fine arts building. As the days passed, the work didn’t offer any challenges I couldn’t handle, and I was making progress with the stick shift.

  It was Tuesday night, and I was on my way home from a successful day at the dealership. All things considered, I was in a good mood, though I missed hanging out with Rob. He’d texted earlier to tell me that he’d finished the dining room completely. Though it was March, it was still cold enough to snow, as proved by the whiteness spluttering down. My phone buzzed.

  Get milk, my mom ordered.

  “Yes, ma’am.” I pulled into the Stop & Go parking lot, along with four other cars. In another two minutes, I would’ve passed the store.

  After the deepening dusk outside, the lights were so bright that I stood for a few seconds blinking as I wiped my feet. A red-haired woman had her back to me, browsing the snack shelves. From behind, she was slender and graceful, even bundled for cold weather. I have a bad feeling about this. As if she sensed me looking at her, she turned—and across the racks of pastries and engine oil, I locked eyes with Avery Jacobs.

  Seeing her with Rob last Thanksgiving had driven me crazy. I’d gone out of my way to avoid her; we hadn’t exchanged more than ten words. But seeing her now that she was Rob’s ex wasn’t any better, especially when I compared us. There was no question she was beautiful: tall and slim, natural red hair, stunning features and cool green eyes. Girls had whispered they must be contacts, but if you peered close enough, there was no telltale ring. Her hair was a little shorter, a few more layers, and if anything, she was even thinner than she had been in November.

  Shit. Well, this will be awkward. I swung my gaze away and headed for the freezer at the back of the store. Gallon of milk, coming up. But before I could open it, someone grabbed my arm. I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was.

  Pulling free, I said, “Hey, Avery. I didn’t know you were back in town.”

  “How can you stand yourself?” she demanded.

  “Excuse me?” There was an old man trying to get past me to the beer, so I sidestepped, coming up against the hot dog-and-nacho counter.

  “You crashed and burned in Michigan, and then, it wasn’t enough to ruin your life, you had to take a run at mine, too.”

  “Look, whatever your friend told you, I have nothing to do with any problems you had with Rob.” It seemed best to get it out in the open.

  “Bullshit. My cousin saw him kissing you at the Grove.”

  Fucking small town. No question, this looked bad, but I refused to accept the home-wrecker tiara. Whatever my feelings for Rob, I’d indulged none of them while he was taken. “After you broke up, because you accused him of cheating.”

  “So I gave him the idea? Rob’s slow, but he’s not clueless. In other words, fuck you.”

  I sighed. My feet hurt, and my mom was waiting for the damn milk. “How, exactly, do you see this conversation ending?”

  “With you admitting that you’re a bitch and a blight on womankind.”

  With some effort, I swallowed a scorching retort, mostly because we were attracting an audience. “Agree to disagree. If you’ll excuse me—” She wrenched on my arm, whirling me around, and it fucking hurt. “Get your hands off me.”

  “Don’t walk away. I’m not done talking.”

  “Well, I am.”

  “Don’t you think you owe me something after stealing my boyfriend? Everyone knows you’re desperate, a college dropout.” Her gaze dropped to my stomach. “Oh, I see. You’re hoping to trick poor Rob into thinking the kid’s his.”

  “Nice. And I’m the bitch in this situation?” I spoke the b-word deliberately, and she reacted by slapping me so hard I saw stars.

  Lifting a palm, I touched my cheek incredulously. “Did you seriously just hit me?”

  She opened her mouth to reply, but before she could, I smacked her back. No turning the other cheek. I tried to be fucking reasonable; I tried to leave, but no. She was furious and wanted to kick my ass. So fine, bring it. Avery grabbed my hair and pulled, so I yanked on her earrings. She landed a kick on my shins, which was so third-grade that I rolled my eyes. I stumbled back and laid hands on a cold tray of abandoned nachos. When she came at me, I flung it at her and burst out laughing at her murderous expression as the goopy orange cheese slid down her pretty blue jacket.

  “That’s enough out of you crazy bitches,” the cashier shouted. “Keep it up and I call the cops. How’d you like that?”

  Avery’s eyes narrowed. She glanced between me and the redneck behind the register. “What did you say to me?”

  “I’m wondering if you want to repeat it, too.” I picked up a jar from the aisle next to me. “Because if I heard you right, I’m about to get crazy with the Cheez Whiz.”

  Other customers were backing out of the store, and when Avery grabbed a withered old hot dog off the rack like it was a lethal weapon, the clerk actually cowered. What he thought she could do to him with that, I feared to ask. Tonight, I would not be buying milk, obviously. Weighing the situation, I took a few breaths, wondering what Avery would do. She was still glaring at the cashier. I picked up a handful of napkins and wiped the crap off her coat while everyone watched. In my opinion, we’d created enough of a scene.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I said.

  “No shit.”

  Outside, Avery stood, breathing hard, with one fist still clenched around that desiccated wiener. I was surprised when she didn’t immediately tackle me and shove me face-first into the dirty snow. Instead, she hurled it into a distant bank and impressed me, reluctantly, when it sank in to make it look like a phallic Jabba the Hut. Then she let out a bloodcurdling yell. When she spun toward me, I braced for round two, but she didn’t rush me. She only stared.

  “What?” I demanded. “You want to trash me some more?”

  “Why did you have to ruin everything?” Her plaintive tone made me feel horrible.

  I could handle her fury, but the idea that she might be hurting bothered me. Though it was technically true I didn’t cheat with Rob, I’d wanted him while they were together and I’d bonded with him emotionally while she was gone. I couldn’t feel 100 percent good about the situation. Maybe I could explain, set the record straight.

  No peace of mind until I try.

  “We didn’t finish up in there. You want to go to Patty’s for coffee? I’m buying.”

  She looked like she thought this was a trick, but then she did a double-take, staring over at my ride. “Is that...Rob’s old truck?”

&nb
sp; “Yeah. You can take your car.”

  Then she made a quick decision. “Okay. See you there.”

  At this hour, people were crowded into the lobby because Patty made awesome pancakes and sometimes the only thing right in life was eating breakfast for dinner. Luckily, I got there in time to snag the last two-person booth and Avery hurried in a few minutes later. She shucked off her stained jacket with a grimace. I felt bad.

  “Sorry about that.”

  “I lost my shit. It could be argued that I had it coming.”

  Before we could say more, the waitress came to take our order. I got the pancake special and coffee, figuring it had been that kind of day. Avery was more carb-conscious and went for salad and hot tea. No wonder she was a sylph.

  “Okay, let’s try this again. Without slapping, hair pulling or projectile food.”

  She nodded. “But if you tell me nothing’s going on with you and Rob, I’m leaving. Because it’s not really about him anyway. It’s...”

  “What?”

  “You just don’t do that, you know?” By that, I guessed she meant screw somebody else’s boyfriend. “What I had with him wasn’t perfect, but he was mine.”

  So she was sad that Rob had broken up with her; her ego was bruised more than her heart, but I understood her feelings. In her situation, I’d be upset, too.

  Reality could be so hard to explain. “Let me lay it out for you. Have I been half in love with Rob for most of my life? Fuck, yeah. In fact, it’s kind of embarrassing. But that kiss your cousin saw? It was the first time he touched me like that. After you broke up. You don’t have any reason to believe me, but hey, I have no reason to lie. We’re not friends, so if I wanted to hurt you, I’d say we did it like monkeys the whole time your back was turned. I’m honestly trying to clear the air, swear to God.”

  “So...I just hurt him by assuming the worst? I mean, when Jillian saw you together before, that was seriously just driving lessons?”

  I nodded. “Before that happened, he never talked about breaking up. He was yours, not mine. And I was jealous, but I wouldn’t do that. To anyone.”