by Lissa Kasey
“What would worrying change?” Of course, I was worried. But dwelling on it got us nowhere.
“Have you told him you’re leaving yet?” Lukas asked, making it sound like I was abandoning everything and returning to Japan or something. Currently my parents were in Ireland taking care of my mother’s family, but they would be returning home soon. I had no intention of going anywhere.
“It’s a week in Houston. Five hours by car. I’m not even that far away.”
“He’ll have to stay with me. I can see if I can take more time off.”
Alex would not like that. He didn’t want his brother to spend all his time worrying about him. And Lukas was one of the moodiest bastards I’d ever met. Funny, since he came across very polished to people who didn’t know him. Maybe it was me who brought out his inner bastard. Well, me and Alex.
“He could come with me,” I said bracing for the argument, but letting out the one thing I’d been thinking of since I’d walked into his hospital room. I didn’t want to let him out of my sight again.
The argument never came. Lukas sat down in the chair beside me, collapsing like the air had been let out of a balloon.
“I planned this over a year ago,” I reminded him.
“And Sky is looking after your place.”
Ah, so that was part of it too. Lukas would be alone. “You can stay with her at my place. Jet likes you. You enjoy gardening. Maybe put in a new planter or two. It will give you a reason to leave work on time.”
Lukas didn’t look at me, instead staring intently at his lap. After a few minutes of silence, he said, “Sky told me this morning you’d take Alex with you.”
She had probably read some cards. Her knack for determining immediately pending events was uncanny, though a little unnerving. On long term stuff her skills still lacked a lot of clarity. “Yeah?”
“She got very grim…”
Not all sunshine and rainbows, that, too, was normal for Skylar’s readings. I pulled out my phone and sent her a text. Convention with Alex?
S: Yes…
But?
S: I don’t know.
Skylar often answered exactly that way when the cards gave her negative readings she couldn’t quite articulate.
Is he safe? I wrote back.
S: Yes. Discovers new hobby.
I thought about that for a moment, then wrote: Good or bad?
S: Good.
Of course there were a thousand meanings for good in this context. Good he found a new hobby. Good he had something to excite him. Or it could mean he found someone or something better than me. The thought had crossed my mind a hundred times or so since he’d returned. Would he be different? Would I? Time did strange things to people. Either way, I didn’t press her for more answers. Later, while I packed for the week away, I would grill her for details.
“He’ll be fine,” I told Lukas.
Lukas’ lips tightened into a thin grimace. Fine was a word he hated.
“Sky says he discovers a new hobby. He could use the focus,” I said. Lukas often talked about how Alex needed focus. Before meeting him, I had thought Alex might have ADHD, but his ability to focus was fine. He had simply been in the military too long, and had yet to find things to occupy him instead.
“I’ve put away every dime he’s given me of his military money. It’s in an account for him. Earning interest. I’ll give you the card so if there is something he needs…”
The far door opened and the detective led a tired looking Alex out. His long hair an afro of frizz I’d need to massage with some special conditioner to untangle. Like his brother, he ran his hands through his hair a lot when stressed. While Alex’s hair was blond, it looked more like a bleached blond, though I knew it wasn’t. And it was one of the only things that indicated he had an African American father. His dark molten chocolate eyes were ringed in shadows indicating he needed sleep and hydration. The overgrowth of his beard, though trimmed back, could use some major shaping. And while his skin still appeared tan, I knew it was more his natural color than sun exposure. Once I got him home, I’d put him in the bath, slather him with lotion again, and clean up the rest of that beard overgrowth.
Home. Hm. Was my home his already? Or was it just him?
Both Lukas and I got to our feet. I opened my arms for Alex when he approached us unfettered. The detective held out a hand for Lukas. Alex fell into my embrace, hugging me tightly and resting his weight on me.
“Can we go?” I asked. “Alex should eat.” He was far too thin.
“Dying for a banana,” Alex grumbled in my arms. “Or peanut butter cookies.”
Lukas accepted the detective’s hand, shaking it. “What’s going on? What do you know?”
“Nothing for now,” the detective said. Apparently he wasn’t telling us anything. He looked at Alex. “Call if you remember anything.”
Alex nodded a bit grimly.
“He’s free to go?” Lukas clarified. We’d discussed the possibility of needing a lawyer, even instructing Alex to request one the second he felt the direction of his questioning was heading towards trouble. Either it hadn’t come to that or there was a whole lot not being said.
“Yes,” the detective agreed. “We’ll be in touch if more questions arise.”
I took that at face value and tugged Alex toward the door, ready to go home and be away from all the noise and the feeling of eyes on us. Alex stepped away, but took my hand, squeezing it before following me to the parking lot. Wasting an entire day at the police station had not been on my radar of fun things to do. At least we’d be taking him home with us rather than scrambling to find some kind of criminal attorney to get bail set for him.
Lukas lasted only until we got into his car, and had left the station, slowly navigating around traffic. “What did they ask? What do they know?” He demanded.
Alex and I sat in the backseat. He blinked, turning from staring out the window to look at his brother who sat behind the wheel. “Stuff I didn’t know. There were a couple FBI guys. They showed me pictures of a few places they thought I’d been. The airport is the only one that actually looks like me. Asked me about people I’ve never met before.”
“What about?” Lukas persisted.
“If I knew them or had seen anything.” Alex shrugged. “I got the impression they thought I knew something about these guys, could point them in the right direction.”
“Like drug dealers or something?” Lukas wanted to know.
“Right, ‘cause me and drugs of any kind mix?” Alex asked. He turned my way and ran his fingers along my face. “How are you doing? You look tired.”
“A little. Head is loud. The coffee sucked.”
“Nothing is as good as that stuff you have,” Alex said. “I’m an official coffee snob now.”
The rest of the short drive Lukas fumed, though said nothing, and Alex took turns looking out the window and smiling at me. At least he was in good spirits.
Chapter 2
I almost expected Lukas to take us to his apartment, but we parked outside the gate to my place. Skylar greeted us as we walked up the path, her gaze darting back and forth between the brothers. I shook my head and made my way past her into the house. Jet met us at the door, greeting everyone with a full body rub along their legs. I had sort of been hoping to get home and curl up alone with Alex, but apparently that wasn’t an option.
Alex made his way to the coffee pot and began to put together a pot. I needed a bigger brewer. The two of us drank too much to share from one small four cup machine. A fruit basket full of fresh bananas, apples, and oranges decorated the counter near the brewer. Skylar must have added it. She had been keeping my kitchen stocked in the past month while she stayed with me. I suspected she would rather have stayed with Lukas, but until Alex’s return, he’d refused to do more than yell at either one of us. His calm, confident exterior had more than cracked, it had crumbled. Falling apart hadn’t been pretty on Lukas, but necessary. I really hoped he let Skylar help put h
im back together.
Once Alex had the coffee going, he dove into the bananas, eating two in less than a minute. Lukas paced. Skylar rang her hands. The two were an odd contrast. Lukas tall, polished, looking almost like a businessman in that moment despite wearing jeans and a simple polo, and Sky in a flirty top, and full circle skirt, her long gorgeous hair pulled into a loose ponytail. She was one of the prettiest girls I had ever met, and seeing her stare up at Lukas with longing made me think again of Alex and wonder if we had the same thing budding or if I were hoping for things that wouldn’t manifest. Life had made me cynical, wary, and knowing all that, sad.
If the two of them could get their heads out of their asses, I knew Lukas and Skylar could be the real thing. It was almost a visible tension between the two of them. The need, a play of string or yarn aching to stitch them up into some elaborate duo. Sadly, I’d never been able to see or sense the same sorts of things for myself. Though as my gaze landed back on Alex, who swayed a little at the counter watching the coffee drip, I couldn’t help but feel drawn to him. If we’d been alone, I would have gone to him and wrapped my arms around him, sank into his embrace and just breathed him in for a while.
Instead I went to the closet to find something to keep my hands busy, dug out the container of crochet roses I’d been working on for almost a year, and brought it to the kitchen table. My place didn’t usually feel small, but with four adults, two of them somewhat flustered, claustrophobia began to tug at me. I sucked in a deep breath and focused on creating a new rose. As the pattern wasn’t muscle memory, I ended up tugging the first few rows out and restarting twice before Alex set a mug of coffee in front of me. He and Lukas had been arguing about something, though I couldn’t recall what. I sipped at the coffee, marveling at how he knew how to mix it for me with a bit of almond creamer and a lot of stevia.
The rose finally began to come to life in my hands. Someday I’d finish the elaborate design and send it to my mother. I only needed something like four hundred of the roses.
“You okay?” Alex asked.
I blinked up at him, mind finally clear enough to multitask. “Yes?”
He tilted his head toward me. “Was that a question or an answer?”
“Yes?” I glanced at Skylar sitting on the futon and Lukas who continued to pace. “Everything okay?”
“Lukas says we’re going somewhere?”
Oh. I had wanted to talk to Alex about that myself once Lukas and Skylar were gone, though it didn’t appear like they were leaving any time soon. “There’s a textile convention coming up in Houston. I’ve been planning on going for a while. I’m hoping to get a few lines to carry in the shop. Plus,” I flushed, “I am sort of meeting up with some old cosplay friends.” While Alex had been missing I’d debated on changing plans, or even canceling the trip. But as time had stretched and he hadn’t returned I decided I would go anyway. Before he had vanished, we had both agreed to live moving forward instead of constantly trying to decipher the past. I was trying to live my life. That meant doing things rather than hiding out at home. If he hadn’t returned, I would have tried to bury myself in the commonality of the group, excitement of the new fabric lines, and perhaps find a new project, even if feeling that much would have cut like a knife. Now that he was back, I was looking forward to showing him new things.
“Sounds like fun. I’ve never heard of a textile convention before.”
“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” I assured him. “I understand if you’d rather stay here and rest.” He looked exhausted, stressed, and gaunt. Should I make him stay home? Or bring him with so I could make him eat every two hours? I gnawed on my lip in thought.
“I have no idea what a textile convention is, and it’s been years since I cosplayed, but I can’t say I’m not intrigued. What about the shop and your tours?”
“No tours scheduled while I’m gone. And Skylar, Tim, and Brad are minding the shop,” I said.
“I’ll be helping out too,” Lukas said. “When I’m not at work.”
I wasn’t sure he was ready to be back at work in homicide. Not with Alex freshly home, and Lukas still raw over his disappearance, but it wasn’t my decision to make. I suspected that he and Skylar would be arguing over that a lot in the future. If Lukas was as smart as I suspected he was, he would let her take care of him, lean on her a little instead of constantly having to be the guy in charge. Thankfully, while Alex had his own fair share of white knight syndrome, he was much better at asking for help.
“The convention is a gathering of trends in fabric. Some non-fabric stuff too, but mostly fabric. Everything from quilt cotton to cosplay apparel options, sewing machines, trim, and the latest in design software. There’s even a runway thing they do, days’ worth of classes, and a couple ‘Iron Design’ type contests. The group I’m meeting up with… we’ve all rented at the same B&B, taking it over with our sewing machines and cosplay pieces. A few are really good with photography too, so there will be a studio space set up.”
“Freya is going to be there,” Skylar said with reverie.
“Who’s Freya?” Alex asked. “Other than a Norse Goddess?”
“A real Goddess,” Skylar assured him. Lukas looked at Skylar, jealousy clear on his face. Skylar did not like women that way any more than I did. Lukas had nothing to worry about. If Sky could be Freya, she would.
“She runs a patron group, her own website exclusively, like I used to,” I said. “Boudoir cosplay. She also owns the B&B we’ll be at. Freya is a legend at cosplay. You can find pictures of her all over the world as some of the best in cosplay. Designs and makes everything herself. She does a lot of online tutorials now, and events like this.”
“Will you get her autograph for me?” Skylar asked.
“Sure,” I said and focused on the next rose. Counting stitches, practicing putting aside all the noise in my head. Single crochet, V-stitch, repeat, turn, seven doubles, single, I repeated to myself as the petals came to life, then carefully stitched the winding strand into a circle. “She helped me get started. I didn’t know there would be a place for me as a guy in sexy cosplay. I was seventeen when I reached out to her for advice with my idea. She’s super nice. Has always been a big supporter of anyone in the trade.” Freya hadn’t liked my change from cosplay modeling to sex on the screen. A loss of talent she claimed. She’d been thrilled when I reached out to her about getting back into the hobby.
“Someday I’m going to be as beautiful as her,” Skylar gushed, making me smile.
Freya was very much the giant blonde goddess of her namesake. Her assets were hereditary. Perfection as only a rare few had the luck to be born with. Skylar, being male to female trans, had to work for those same things as she was rail thin and didn’t seem to be growing the curves she longed for even with added hormones. Time, I often reminded her, she’d only been on hormones for a year. Some of her features had softened, but even eating a ton didn’t add to her figure. Her metabolism ran daily marathons. A lot of women would have been thrilled to have to work so hard to put on weight and gain curves, not Skylar. She wanted hips and boobs to fill out her wide collection of flirty dresses.
“You’re already beautiful,” I assured Skylar.
“Gorgeous,” Alex agreed. “First time I saw you, I thought wow! That girl is amazing. You have hair like those TV models, and when you wore that Ice Queen dress Micah made you, I thought everyone in town was going to bow down and start worshiping you.”
Skylar laughed, a throaty sound filled with joy, and threw herself at Alex for a tight hug. He let out an “oof,” sound as she squeezed him tight.
I smiled down into my work, thrilled that Alex got along so well with Skylar. Not only because she was my best friend, but also because Lukas was crazy about her. Lukas had gone silent. I could almost feel his brooding from across the room. When he first told me about his brother, damaged from a never-ending war, plagued with memories of things everyone denied, Lukas led me to believe his brother was the
serious one of them.
Alex could sit in silent vigil to his thoughts, and sometimes got lost in self-doubt, but his sense of humor, sarcasm, and quick wit left most smiling rather than worried. In reality he was a warmer, more open person than Lukas had ever been. Though with his façade cracked, Lukas began to feel more human and approachable every day. I’d thought of him as a friend for a long time, not realizing he’d never really returned the sentiment.
He was protective, not friendly, as I’d pointed out before to Alex. Lukas was a cop at heart. Always. Not in a bad way, but in that ‘I’m in charge and the world’s problems are mine’ sort of way. Lukas and I had never sparked, for that reason. I didn’t want a protector. I wanted a partner and a friend.
Alex squirmed under Skylar’s fierce hug. “Damn, girl. Your hugs are lethal. You should hire yourself out,” Alex teased. “Hug torture, right up there below water boarding.”
“Jerk!” Skylar said, no venom in her voice and still squeezing him hard. “Revel in my embrace, worthless worm!”
Alex’s laughter filled the room with warmth and eased something that had frozen in my gut. I was tempted to glance up and see how jealous Lukas might be with us fawning over Sky, but forced myself to focus. Too much in my head. Worries. Lists of things to get done before I left. And now I’d lost another day since we’d been at the police station. I had to admit having Alex back calmed something I hadn’t realized had been raging inside me. Some kind of vibrating noise of unease had taken residence at the base of my spine while he was gone. Strong enough that I felt it all the time, and had to work to tune it out. Only now was it gone, still, silent, but not in a scary way.
I counted through a bunch more rows, winding up roses and whispering the numbers of each stitch. The focus helped clear away the constant buzz of tension.
Alex kissed me on the cheek. I blinked up at him again. We were alone. Both Lukas and Sky gone. When had that happened? I really must have zoned out, but I’d also finished four roses without really realizing it.
