Around midnight, Stephanie turns off the TV, ending our streak of binging Sons of Anarchy, and says we should go to bed. I shower and put on PJs, getting into the small twin bed. I’m tired but know sleep won’t come easily tonight. Deciding not to get frustrated by tossing and turning all night, I open a book on my Kindle and read until I fall asleep.
Jack haunts my dreams. I wake at dawn, unsure of exactly how the dream unfolded, but craving the feel of his lips against mine. I pull the blankets over my head and try to go back to sleep. It’s been four years. Four fucking years. I should be over this by now. I shouldn’t remember the way he tastes. The way he feels. The way he smells. I shouldn’t remember every little thing. What the hell is wrong with me?
Giving up on sleep, I get up and head downstairs to make coffee.
“Morning, hun,” Stephanie says when she walks into the kitchen about half an hour later. “Have you been up for a while?”
“Yeah. It’s a habit from school, I guess.” I force a smile and pour myself a second cup of coffee.
“It must feel so good to be done now, right?”
“Oh, for sure. But now the fun part comes where I get to find a full-time job.”
Stephanie laughs and gets herself coffee as well. “Did you hear anything more from the place you interned at this spring?”
“Jeff—my boss—loved me. He said he’d hire me in a heartbeat if anything opens up. But I can apply to be an intern again.”
“And do the same thing but get paid a hell of a lot less,” Stephanie says, shaking her head.
“Pretty much. I do like that company though. And I was thinking maybe I should get my master’s sooner than later anyway. It could help in the long run. So being an intern with fewer hours—and less responsibility—would be a good thing.”
“That is a smart idea, and I agree with getting your degree now. It’s hard to go back once you’ve taken time off.”
I grab creamer from the fridge and take it to my mug of coffee. “And I plan to apply to start in the spring, so I can put in more hours at the coffee shop before starting class again.”
“Or you could move back here and save money on rent,” Stephanie suggests casually. “I saw a ‘now hiring’ sign at Starbucks just the other day, so if you wanted to keep working, you could.” She takes the creamer from me and shrugs. “Just a thought. I know how expensive it is to live in that area.”
“Yeah,” I say and bring my coffee to my lips. It would be a good idea, and Becca’s been hinting that she wants to go back to L.A. and try her hand at acting again. Over the last four years, she’s gone back and forth from acting, going to cosmetology school, and wanting to be a first-grade teacher. “The cost of living is lower here, that’s for sure.”
“And it would be nice to have you around before you get a job God knows where and take off halfway across the country.”
“I’m staying somewhere warm, don’t worry. I won’t end up on the east coast or anything.”
“Speaking of warm, do you want to go to the farmers’ market with me before it gets too hot out? It’s going to be a brutal summer.”
“Yeah, I’d like to go. Is that booth with the cinnamon rolls still there?”
“It’s the most popular one.”
“I’ll get ready then.”
Stephanie yawns. “Take your time, dear. I’m in no rush.”
I take my coffee upstairs with me, drinking it as I curl my hair and put on makeup. Wishing I packed more, I sort through my clothes and settle on a multicolored floral skirt and a black crop top, changing out of the loungewear I’d put on earlier.
We walk the few blocks it takes to get to Dale Hollow’s downtown square and go straight for the cinnamon rolls. I go over to a stand with fresh flowers while Stephanie talks to one of Doug’s co-workers. I spot a bouquet of yellow lilies, heart softening. Only Jack knows the significance of the lilies.
“Nora? Is that you?”
I hesitate, not recognizing the voice.
“It’s me, Alice.”
Turning, I see Alice Bloom’s smiling face. She’s put on a bit of weight since our senior year, and her long blonde hair is now short and brown. “It is you! We weren’t sure.” Her smile is genuine, and she looks me up and down. “You look amazing! You went back to L.A., didn’t you? You look like you came from L.A.”
“No, I didn’t go back. It’s, uh, nice to see you again.”
Alice waves her hand in the air. “You don’t have to pretend. I was terrible to you in high school and I’m sorry.”
I’m taken aback by her words and don’t quite know what to say in response. “It was a long time ago, but thanks.”
“Apologizing to you has been on my list for a while now, but I never knew how to get ahold of you. We all thought you went back to Hollywood.” She turns, waving over to girls who are hiding behind a display of melons. “Nancy! Veronica! We were right. It is Nora!”
Nancy steps around the stand and greets me with a smile. Veronica apprehensively follows behind. I lost touch with Veronica before our senior year was even over. I stopped going over to her house. I stopped hanging out with her after school. Eventually, we stopped talking altogether.
“Hey, Nora.” She’s never been good at hiding her emotions, and right now she looks as uncomfortable as I feel. “You look great.”
“Thanks. So do you.”
“How have you been?” She pulls her arms in over her chest. Alice notices the flowers behind me and points to a bunch of roses, saying something to Nancy.
“Good. You?”
“Good too.” She smiles again, then rolls her eyes. “What are we doing? This is awkward as fuck.”
“Yeah,” I agree with a laugh. “It is.”
Veronica steps forward and hugs me. “It’s good to see you, Nora. I’ve missed you. Really.”
“I missed you too,” I tell her. And I have.
“I’m guessing you graduated,” Veronica starts, readjusting her purse over her shoulder. “Does that mean you’re moving back here?”
“I did, and no. I’m back for a while before I start my master’s.”
“You did go to Berkeley, right?”
“Yeah. I have a degree in civil engineering. What about you?”
“I have one year left at GU. I switched my major to nursing.”
“You’d make a good nurse.”
“I hope so,” she says with a laugh. “I am so ready to be done with school. Props to you for going back for your master’s right away.”
Alice and Nancy join us, and Alice is holding the yellow lilies I wanted. “Sorry,” she says and brings the lilies to her face. “I’m a sucker for these. My fiancé always gets them for me. We’re getting married in June.”
“Congrats,” I tell her, eyeballing the little flower stand behind her. There are no more lilies left.
“You should come to my bachelorette party!” Alice’s eyes widen with excitement. “It’s Saturday and it would be so fun to have you!”
“Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll be able to make it. Stephanie and I have plans. I’m not in town very long anyway.”
“If you change your mind, I’d love to have you.” She looks at Veronica, beaming. “We’d love to have you. We’re going to be family soon, after all.”
The smile on Veronica’s face is one of the fakest I’ve seen. “I planned the whole thing,” she says, fake smile still plastered on her face. “It should be fun.”
Alice brings the lilies to her nose once more, and my mind whirls, trying to piece I together. “Think about it,” Alice goes on. “The more, the merrier to help celebrate me becoming Mrs. Alice Harrington!”
Chapter 24
Jack
I open the balcony door and step outside. The morning air is still, warm, and quiet. Just the way I like it. I put my hands on the railing and look out at the mountains for a moment before turning around.
“Ready?”
Charlie, who’s still sprawled out on the bed, opens his e
yes but doesn’t move.
“You’re getting fat. Sorry to be blunt, but you are.”
He stretches and groans, ignoring me as I put on my shoes. I make it downstairs before he drags his lazy ass out of bed. I feed him then check my email, making a mental list—that I’ll forget as the day goes on—of all the shit I need to do before the wedding.
I agreed to make the chuppah before seeing Alice’s list of demands: rustic but elegant, a silk top, with the wedding date carved along the top along with the vows—in Hebrew. She sent the vows in English, and I have no idea if the English-to-Hebrew translator I found on Google is correct.
I read over an email from my boss, interested by the proposal’s minimal description. Mermaid zombies will be fun to work with. An idea will come to me as I run, like it usually does, and today I’ll detour to the lake for some underwater inspiration.
I stick my cordless headphones in my ears and head out. Now that he ate, Charlie’s ready to run. He’s seven now, and it pains me to see him start to slow. I crouch down, letting him lick my face.
“We’ll take it easy today, all right, buddy?”
Taking a deep breath, we head out. Charlie follows behind, then sprints ahead, and then goes off the trail, emerging later covered in mud. It’s been so dry this season I have no idea how he found anything other than dusty dirt. Leave it to this dog to roll in mud in the middle of a drought.
I slow once the trees thin, walking the rest of the way to the lake for Charlie’s sake. He jumps in, lapping up the cool water. I sit on a rock, tipping my head up to the breeze coming off the mountain.
The beach is filling with people fast, and Charlie looks across the water at them. He comes back to the shore and shakes, spraying me with water.
“Thanks, Char.” I shake my head and flick water from my face, though really, it felt good. I’m half tempted to take off my shoes and jump in myself. Instead, I get up and walk along the water’s edge, thinking about how to draw the zombie mermaids without looking lame or hokey.
Not wanting to face responsibilities today, Charlie and I take the long way home. I’m hot and sweaty and Charlie is a filthy mess by the time we reach the yard. He slowed down about a mile ago and perks up when he sees someone on the porch.
I pick up my pace to a jog, snickering when he puts his muddy paws on Veronica’s pink shorts.
“Charlie! Look what you did! Ew, you stink. Jack, get him!”
“Come here,” I say, stifling a laugh. Charlie turns and his tail whacks Veronica’s legs. She huffs and brushes the dirt from her clothes. “Hey, sis. Want a hug?”
She wrinkles her nose. “You smell worse than Charlie.”
I pull my shirt off and use it to mop up the sweat from my face. “What are you doing here?”
“Can’t I come visit my big brother?”
“You never come visit.”
“I brought you leftovers from last night. You should have come. Mom and Aunt Lucy drank too much wine and made up songs. Complete with choreography.”
“That would have been fun to see.”
She shakes her head. “It was embarrassing. I recorded it, of course.”
I unlock the front door. “You’ll have to show me.”
Veronica follows me in, and I grab Charlie before he goes to the living room to nap on the gray area rug in front of the fireplace. Realizing wiping him off with rags is a futile point, I take him into the mudroom and put him in the dog wash.
“This turned out really nice.” Veronica leans against the door frame, watching me scrub the mud from Charlie’s fur.
“Thanks. It took long enough.”
“Are you going to come home anytime soon?”
“This is home.” I rinse out the shampoo and grab a towel to dry off Charlie. I stand back and let him shake first.
“You know what I mean. To Mom and Dad’s.”
“Probably not.”
Veronica doesn’t like my response. “But we haven’t seen you in a while.”
“You’re seeing me now.” I toss the damp towel inside the tub. “And I’ll see everyone else in June. And I mean everyone.”
“Oh right. The wedding. How’s the chuppah coming?”
“All right, I think. I’m still working on carving the vows into it. I had to translate them first.”
“Alice let you read her vows before the ceremony?”
“She had to if she wanted them carved into the wood.”
“Right.” We go into the kitchen.
“The vows are right there if you want to read them. They’re lame. I think she ripped them from song lyrics.” I motion to a paper on the table. My stomach grumbles and I go right to the Tupperware full of enchiladas Veronica brought. I stick them in the microwave and down a glass of water.
“I was thinking of taking the bookshelf from your old room and putting it the back of my closet like a shoe shelf.”
“Okay?” I grab a fork and look curiously at my sister. “And you’re telling me because?”
“I need you to help me move it. It’s heavy.”
“Have Dad help you. And it’s not that heavy. It has those felt-things on the bottom so you can push it easily on the floor.”
“I already tried moving it and almost knocked it over. Can’t you come help me? Please?”
“Why do you want me to come home?” The microwave beeps. I flip the enchiladas and stick them in for another few seconds.
“I told you. I miss you and I need help moving the bookshelf from your old room.”
“You mean that one?” I use my fork to point to it.
“Dammit,” Veronica mutters under her breath. “When did you take it?”
“Last year. So, your attempt at moving it is bullshit. Why don’t you tell me what you’re up to?”
“Fine.” She lets out a breath and looks up like she’s about to deliver bad news. “Nora is back.”
My heart momentarily stops beating. That is bad news. Very bad news. My mind jumps back, and this time the flashback is welcome. We’re standing on the mountain, watching snow float down to the lake so still and smooth its surface looks like a sheet of glass. My arms are around her. We’re both freezing. And neither one wants to move.
The microwave beeps again, pulling me from my trance. It’s easy to get lost in thought about Nora.
“How do you know?” I finally ask, taking the food to the table.
“I saw her this morning at the farmers’ market. She looks good. Really good.”
Pain spreads across my chest. Pain, and guilt. There’s nothing I regret more than the lie I told Nora four years ago. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I pulled the trigger on my best friend.
I don’t love you anymore.
She laughed after I said it, thinking it was a joke. I’ll never forget the look in her eyes when I said it again, and I’ll never forgive myself for the pain I caused. I shot Jason for the greater good. I broke up with Nora for her own good.
She never got angry. Never demanded an explanation or told me she hated me. What happened instead was worse. I watched from afar, seeing the hurt I caused. She stopped hanging out with Veronica. Stopped going outside. I never saw her in the treehouse again.
I broke my own heart letting her go, but I couldn’t live with myself knowing I dimmed her light. She was supposed to be better off without me.
“That’s good.” My voice threatens to catch in my throat, giving away how raw the pain is even after all this time. I’m able to fool my sister, but Charlie, who’s been busy rubbing on the couch, tips his head in my direction.
“She told me she just graduated.”
“Yeah?”
“From Berkeley. With a degree in civil engineering. And she’s getting her master’s degree now.”
Hearing she did go to Berkeley after all should make me happy. It doesn’t. It only furthers the ache in my chest, reminding me how fucking selfish I am. I still want her. Still miss her. Still long to have her in my bed, feeling her slender body
against mine.
“So, are you going to swing by the house?”
“No,” I say, and the heaviness in my chest starts to spread through my whole body. “There’s no point. It’s too late now.”
Chapter 25
Nora
I grasp the last rung on the ladder only to pull my hand back right away. A splinter of wood wedged its way under my fingernail and hurts like a bitch. Cursing, I climb the rest of the way and sit inside the treehouse to dig it out.
The treehouse was in need of some repairs four years ago, and the elements haven’t been kind. It’s rickety and smells like mold. Still, it offers comfort. I set the signed book Becca got me for my birthday two years ago down near the door and use the broom to knock down cobwebs. It takes a few minutes before I feel it’s clean enough to sit inside.
I take my old spot in the doorway, feet dangling over the edge. Free time isn’t something I’ve experienced lately. Between interning, class, and working at the coffee shop, I’ve hardly had time for a social life. Becca took advantage of the time I did have. The last four years didn’t turn out the way I thought they would, but I can’t say it was all complete shit.
The first two years…yeah. Those were complete shit. I woke up every day unsure how I’d go on. A broken heart can’t beat. And you can’t live without your heart.
But I’m alive.
I close my eyes and lean back, tipping my head up to the sun. True to form, I didn’t sleep well last night. Pair that with getting up early to go to the farmers’ market and then running into my old friends, and it’s already been a long fucking day and it’s only three o’clock in the afternoon.
I pick up my book and try to read. After reading the first page three times and not being able to recall a single thing that was said, I put the book down and lay back, folding my arms over my face to shield out the sun.
Practicing the breathing exercises I learned in yoga, I inhale and exhale slowly while imagining myself at home with Becca. We’re getting ready to go out for the night to that trashy bar Becca loves so much. Hell, I’ll even sing karaoke with her.
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