Okay. They were the known factors. So, what didn’t she know?
One. She didn’t know how Jasper felt about her. Oh, she knew that he wanted her, that much was obvious. But beyond that? She got the impression he was just as confused by it all as she was.
Was that it? If that was the only thing she didn’t know—and, really, since Jasper was leaving anyway did it really matter how he felt?—then surely she should be able to make a decision on the information she had?
In fact, Tori knew deep down that she’d already made her choice. She’d felt it in the way she’d kept Jasper at arm’s length—emotionally, if not physically—and she’d felt it sink in when he’d looked so confused by his mother’s ability to forgive his father.
She wanted this job, this chance, and she couldn’t give it up for someone who wasn’t even staying around. And even if Jasper could forgive that, she wasn’t going to even consider the idea of a long-distance relationship—not after what had happened the last time she’d tried it. In the end, the mistrust and the distance had destroyed not only her relationship with Tyler, but Tyler himself.
She needed to move on; she knew that now. The guilt was too heavy to hold onto for ever. But her heart ached too much to put it down. She didn’t even know who she would be without it, after so long.
No. Better to end this thing with Jasper now, and move on with her solitary life. Box up the last couple of weeks and store them away in her heart with all the other painful memories, until she was strong enough to look at them again. One day.
With one last look to check that Jasper was still busy entertaining the guests, Tori slipped away to find the earl and tell him her decision.
And then she would go back to her cottage to pack.
She had a feeling that when Jasper found out, she’d be more welcome at the Moorside Inn than at Flaxstone, anyway.
* * *
The party was so busy, so loud, that it took Jasper some time to realise that Tori wasn’t there any longer. He searched all the usual places—the buffet table, the dance floor, the quiet areas his mother set aside for conversation and flirtation—no sign of her. He even lingered outside the incredibly swanky portable bathrooms set up in the quad in case she was in there—although since she had access to a bedroom with its own bathroom upstairs it seemed unlikely. No Tori.
‘Jasper!’ His father’s voice boomed out as he re-entered the ballroom where the main party was taking place. ‘Let me introduce you to—’
‘Have you seen Tori?’ Jasper interrupted. ‘I need to find her.’ He knew there was something weird going on with her tonight. Why had he even let her out of his sight?
Because I’m not her boss. I have no control over where she goes or what she does. I’m not even her boyfriend; I don’t even have the right to ask, really.
He should have talked to her earlier. Told her all the things he’d realised during his walk. Told her he was thinking of moving back home. That he didn’t want to be without her any longer. More talking and less seduction might have meant that their positions were clearer and she might even have shared whatever was going on with her. But she’d displayed that long, slender back, naked under her dress, and he’d lost his mind over her. Again.
‘Not since she told me the good news!’ the earl said, raising his champagne glass in a happy mock toast.
Jasper froze. ‘Good news?’ All his instincts were screaming that whatever the news was, it wasn’t going to be good for him. Otherwise she’d have told him first.
‘Yes! That she’s taking the job at Stonebury with Felix.’ The earl’s eyes widened a fraction. ‘I assumed she’d spoken to you about it first...’
‘Well, she hadn’t,’ Jasper snapped. Around them, awkward partygoers were starting to sidle away, but he didn’t care. Suddenly, things were falling into place. This was why she’d been distant upstairs, earlier. She’d already made her decision to leave, without even talking to him about it. He’d thought their lovemaking had been the start of something. But apparently Tori had been saying goodbye.
‘When she said she needed time to consider, I interpreted that as a conversation between the two of you. I mean, it was obvious that you two were, well, fond of each other, and with you staying here at Flaxstone now—’
‘I never said I was staying.’ But he wanted to. He wanted to stay here with Tori. Or at Stonebury with her. Except she’d be there with Felix, apparently. The half-brother he hadn’t even managed a full and unstilted conversation with, yet. The one she’d chosen over him all the same.
This wasn’t a steak and ale pie she was stealing. She’d taken their whole plan, the project they’d designed for his mother, and handed it over to Felix instead, without even considering him.
‘Well, maybe that’s why Tori didn’t talk to you about it, then,’ the earl said, far too reasonably for Jasper’s liking. ‘If you’re not here what does it matter where she goes?’
‘You know why it matters.’ Anger was rising through him now, red hot as it burned through his chest, up his throat and out of his mouth. ‘We planned Stonebury as an escape for Mother, you know that. And now you’re taking whatever you want and screwing it all up again, just like you did nearly thirty years ago. You always want everything, don’t you? To have your cake and eat it. You wanted to marry Mother for her money, and you wanted your mistress on the side. You wanted your legal heir and your illegitimate son growing up together, even if neither of them knew the truth. And now you want to tell the world that Felix is your son and damn the consequences for anyone else, and even if it means stealing away the woman I’m falling in love with from me.’
It was the gasps—those sharp intakes of breath that spoke of total shock—that made Jasper realise he was shouting. And the instant chatter that followed that alerted him to what he’d actually said.
Oh, God. He was in love with Tori Edwards. When the hell had that happened?
The minute she kissed you, you idiot, his brain retorted.
But it wasn’t until he turned and saw Felix and Tori standing in the open doorway, their eyes wide with horror, that he realised what it all meant.
‘Well, son,’ his father said softly. ‘I think you’ve outdone me this time, don’t you?’
Jasper blinked, and Tori and Felix were gone, probably running away, but he couldn’t even blame them. Who told a woman they loved her in front of an entire party while yelling at their father and spilling family secrets? Although, in fairness, he hadn’t known he was going to say it until it was out there.
He hadn’t even known he felt it. But now, looking back at their meandering relationship...it seemed impossible that he’d ever not known. When he’d returned to Flaxstone, he’d thought Tori was just unfinished business—one night that could have been more but never got the chance to be.
But now he knew better. He knew she was his future. Or she could have been.
‘Yes, Dad,’ he said, his voice faint. ‘This time it’s all me.’
And he wasn’t even sure he deserved forgiveness.
* * *
Tori hoisted her overnight bag onto her shoulder as she stormed down the path to her cottage, Felix hurrying after her.
‘Are you this furious with him on my behalf or on your own?’ Felix asked as she fumbled with the key in her lock. ‘Because, you know, this wasn’t exactly how I wanted the news to come out, for sure. But he said he loved you.’
‘Because he’s trying to make me feel guilty about taking the job. Or manipulate me into turning it down, one or the other. I’ve been here before.’
She knew how this went. She’d been exactly here with Tyler, and she wasn’t going to let herself get caught up in it again.
‘Or because...he really means it?’ Felix suggested, eyebrows raised.
Tori sighed. She liked Felix, really she did. But considering his birth and upbringing he had a surprisingly uncomp
licated view of the world. Opening her front door, she tried to find the familiar sensation of home. Of security.
It wasn’t there.
She stepped inside anyway, turning back to stop Felix on the threshold.
‘Look, I appreciate you trying to help, but unless you want to do my packing for me you might as well go back to the party.’ She caught the uncomfortable look on his face and realised: he couldn’t go back either. Everyone would be talking about him and him being there wouldn’t stop that. If anything, it would make it worse.
Yeah, maybe Felix was having a worse night than her.
Fumbling with her key ring, she removed a silver key and pressed it into his palm. ‘Sneak in through the locked garage entrance, and head up to the Yellow Room,’ she suggested. ‘I’m not going to be using it again tonight.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Very.’ She wasn’t going back to Flaxstone Hall tonight. Or possibly at all, until she was sure that Jasper was safely on another continent. ‘Wait!’ She took another key from the ring and handed it to him.
‘Why do I need your cottage key?’
‘Just...in case,’ she said. She didn’t know in case of what—or didn’t want to think about it. In case I never come back. ‘And maybe you could water my Christmas tree while I’m gone?’
Felix rolled his eyes, but took the key and left. As she shed her dress and changed into normal clothes, grabbing her overnight bag, Tori felt a pang of guilt for leaving Felix to weather this night on his own, but she had to get moving fast, before Jasper—
A hammering on the door interrupted the thought.
Too late.
Taking a deep, steadying breath, Tori opened the door, grateful at least that she’d changed out of her evening dress and into a more professional, and comfortable, pair of black trousers and sweater. She had made a work decision. And that was what this conversation needed to be about.
‘Tori. I... Can I come in?’
With a short nod, she stepped aside to let him enter. ‘But I don’t have long,’ she said, turning her back on him as she returned to her packing. ‘I want to get to the Moorside before last orders.’
For so many years, the thought of the inn had driven her away. But suddenly, it was the only place she wanted to be.
‘You’re going? Really? I thought—Is this because of the job, or because of what I said?’
‘Both, to be honest.’ She just needed to get away. Why couldn’t he understand that?
She’d rather take the pain in Uncle Henry’s eyes than the anger she expected to see in Jasper’s.
‘Look, I know I shouldn’t have blurted out what I said that way. It’s no excuse, but my father told me about the job offer at Stonebury—you running the place with Felix—and I guess I was hurt that you didn’t talk to me about it first—’
‘Why would I?’ she interrupted.
She couldn’t let him say too much, or she risked him saying all the things that could sway her, change her mind, as Tyler had tried to do.
I love you. I can’t do it without you. It’ll all be your fault if you go and leave me.
‘It was a work decision, but not one I had an obligation to discuss with you as a colleague. Especially as a colleague who will also be leaving soon.’
Jasper looked as if she’d slapped him in the face. ‘What if I wasn’t? Leaving, I mean?’
He was planning on staying? Tori shook her head. It didn’t change anything. It couldn’t change anything. The physical distance between them was only one problem. The emotional gulf was far bigger.
She hadn’t moved on from Tyler’s death, and neither of them knew how to forgive—others or themselves. How could they start a relationship there?
She had to end this, now, before her heart broke too much. ‘Then you’ll stay and be furious at your family and at me for all time, and I’m sure that will be just brilliant for all of us, but I’ll be at Stonebury helping the brother you just exposed to the world keep out of the limelight for a while.’
That stopped him. ‘That’s why you took the job? Because you wanted to help Felix?’
‘I took the job because I wanted the job. Because I deserved the job.’
‘And you didn’t care how I felt about it.’ Jasper’s expression hardened.
Of course she cared. But she couldn’t let him see how much. ‘Jasper, we’ve slept together twice. Three times if you count five years ago. It’s hardly a lasting relationship. You can’t expect me to make decisions about my career and my future based on it.’ Not the way Tyler had. Expecting her to give up all her hopes for her future, her ambition, for a teenage relationship she couldn’t even be sure would last. Now Jasper was asking her to do the same, but it was different this time.
She hadn’t made Jasper any promises. Hadn’t told him she loved him. And Jasper...he was stronger than Tyler had been. He’d be fine without her.
It was her own heart she was worried about.
‘Maybe not,’ he admitted. ‘But as a friend I would expect you to talk to me before running away.’
‘Like you did to Felix five years ago?’ she shot back.
Jasper swore under his breath, raking his hands through his hair as he visibly tried to calm himself. That was no good. She didn’t want him calm. She wanted him gone, so she could run far away and let her heart break in peace.
He wasn’t offering her for ever. He was offering her exactly what Tyler had—a possibility of love as long as she did what he wanted. And she wasn’t going to take that risk.
Still, when Jasper spoke again, his voice was softer, calmer. ‘Look, Tori, I should have told you I was planning on staying at Flaxstone. I meant to, tonight. And I’m going to work on my relationship with my family, really I am.’
‘But will you ever forgive them? Would you ever forgive me, if I went to Stonebury with Felix?’ Because that was what it all came down to. Forgiveness. She couldn’t forgive Tyler for what he’d done, and she couldn’t forgive herself for letting him. And Jasper couldn’t forgive the lies and betrayal that had driven him away from his home in the first place.
How could they start any kind of a relationship when they were both so filled with resentment? Maybe they weren’t good people like Lady Flaxstone. Maybe they weren’t meant to forgive.
But that just meant that one day they’d do something to each other that couldn’t be forgiven either. Far better to cut this off now and avoid that pain later.
‘I’m... I’m trying, Tori. I... I said I love you. Isn’t that enough? Enough for you to stay and work this out with me?’
‘You love me?’ She shook her head. ‘Jasper, you don’t even know me. If you did, you’d know that love isn’t ever enough. Love just forces us down roads we don’t want to walk, and makes us feel guilty for wanting the things we want. I’ve been here before, and I know how this ends. I’ve had enough of love, thanks.’
With that, she turned away and walked into her bedroom to finish packing. And tried to pretend that her heart wasn’t breaking. Because for once, just once, she wished that love really could be enough.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
‘YOU REALISE THIS isn’t at all healthy, right?’ Felix’s voice cut through the quiet of the snowy countryside three days later, and Jasper looked up suddenly from his seat on the bench outside Tori’s cottage.
‘I’m enjoying the miracle of a white Christmas in Britain. Besides, it’s quiet here,’ he said defensively. ‘There’s a seat, no one bothers me, and it’s not like Tori’s here to object.’ He had a lot of thinking to do, and he found he thought best somewhere he couldn’t hear his father’s voice.
Although at least the earl’s jolly tones drowned out the sound of Tori tearing down everything he’d hoped for, playing on a loop inside his head. But Jasper couldn’t shake the feeling that he deserved to hear it. That if he replayed that moment e
nough, he’d find the key to fixing it. Something she’d said, something he’d missed.
So far, however, he was mostly just depressing himself.
‘Tori not being here is exactly why it’s getting kind of creepy, you sitting outside her empty cottage every day.’
‘Not every day,’ Jasper lied. Felix raised his eyebrows at him, and he sighed. ‘Fine. Every day. I just... I can’t think straight up at the hall.’
‘I know the feeling.’
Jasper winced as Felix brushed the snow off the bench and sat down beside him. Jasper just had to contend with his father’s pointed comments about his loyal deputy’s absence. Felix had to cope with the media on the phone, the Internet covering every aspect of his life so far, and all sorts of acquaintances he barely knew popping out of the woodwork to get in his good graces, now he was set to inherit a significant portion of the Flaxstone estate and bank accounts.
‘Did I mention I’m sorry for outing you at the party?’
‘Yes,’ Felix said. ‘Many times. But do feel free to mention it again. You can throw in a bonus apology for running away five years ago too, if you like.’
‘Sorry,’ Jasper said again. He seemed to be saying it a lot. But he also seemed to be rebuilding bridges he’d thought were damaged beyond repair. Maybe he and Felix wouldn’t ever be best friends the way they had been once, but perhaps instead they’d be something more.
Brothers, even.
It was weird, in a way, to go from the man who couldn’t forgive the lies he’d been told, to the one who needed to ask for forgiveness. But maybe that was the lesson he’d been meant to learn all along: that forgiving and asking forgiveness were two sides of the same coin, and everyone needed to do both from time to time.
He wished he could ask Tori for forgiveness, even if he wasn’t entirely sure what he’d done wrong. Wished he could forgive her for leaving, but he wasn’t there yet, however much he was learning.
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