He kept going when I remained silent. “I mean it. I should have never begun a relationship with a parent of one of my students. That wasn’t well done of me and I apologize for the awkward position that placed you in.” He paused, his gaze moving to stare in the distance in front of us. “It was never our intention to hurt you or Mia. In fact, it never occurred to me that what we were doing might. That was shortsighted on my part, but in my defense, I’ve been a part-time dad for so long, I admit I’m completely clueless most of the time.” He glanced at me then, his lips curved in a self-deprecating smile.
I didn’t know what to say. Or if I should say anything. I’d already admitted to myself that Coach Tillman wasn’t a bad guy. And that I was absolutely screwed up.
“I talked to Mia.”
That brought me up short, every part of me tensed, preparing for battle.
“She said it was your idea.” Coach looked over at me again after completely throwing his own daughter under the bus, this time only one side of his mouth curled up. “Not bad, kid. Pretty ingenious, really. It definitely threw us for a loop.”
“Didn’t work, though. Did it?”
Coach raised both brows at that. “No, it did. Your mom was determined we couldn’t be together if our kids were dating. She said it was more important to let you guys figure out your relationship.” His gaze became more intense. “She said you’ve never had a girlfriend before. She was so excited for you that you found Mia.”
That almost brought me to my knees. My whole body deflated. Luckily, I caught my head in my hands before it bashed into my knees.
“Your mom loves you, Grayson.” He was just being mean, now.
I ached with regret. Every part of me hurt as a thousand thoughts and emotions swirled. My mom, the person I loved more than anyone in the world…I shook my head. Here she was pushing away the man she might be in love with because she wanted what was best for me. Just like I’d wanted her to, but at what price? She’d never looked at a man in eighteen years. And when she finally did, I was selfish enough, thoughtless enough, to try to ruin it for her. How was that love? How was that repaying her for all she’d sacrificed for me? I really was no better than my dad. Taking. Taking. Taking.
How had I even convinced myself that it was the right thing to do?
Mia.
It was all so confusing. At the time, it didn’t feel like that big of a deal. But last night, in the parking lot watching my mom and the girl I wanted for my own reduced to tears because of me? I knew I was the world’s hugest jerk. I’d hurt them both because I’d only been worried about myself. What it would mean to me to have my mom dating my coach, a man who was also the father of the girl I was insanely attracted to and had come to care about. The overlap of all the relationships seemed so awkward, so embarrassing for some reason.
“I know she does.”
Coach cleared his throat. “I know you do. I’m not saying I agree with what you guys did, but I understand why you did. It’s not easy watching your parent turn to someone else when you’ve been the center of their world for so long.” He sighed, then, tilting his face to the sky. “I should have understood things better. I’d literally just watched it all play out with Mia and her mom when she got remarried. It can be difficult to understand things you haven’t gone through yourself. You and Mia both understand from your perspective what it’s like to be a kid with divorced parents. I’ve never had to go through that and neither has your mom. The older we get, the more we understand about life, we’re supposed to be able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. I’m not sure I’ve done that in this instance. At least, not until the last fifteen hours, and I’m sorry, son.”
I thought about everything he said as well as everything he didn’t say. It was true, my mom and Coach might not be able to understand where Mia and I were coming from exactly, but they were parents who loved us. That was all that should matter. The real fault laid with me. Especially for dragging Mia into my harebrained idea and not backing down when I realized how dumb it all was. I should have been able to see how much Mom needed someone else in her life. Someone to love and support her. I guess, I always thought that job should have been my dad’s and I’ve just been resenting the fact that he wasn’t there to do it rather than figuring out he wasn’t man enough and Mom had the right, no, she deserved to find someone who loved her enough to be there for her and support her and love her.
I got that well enough now. Heck. That’s what I wanted to be for Mia. And I’d flushed the opportunity down the drain. Whatever. She thought I was a player. I never had a chance to begin with. Didn’t make it hurt any less.
I guess I’d deal with that later. For now, I owed Coach an apology.
Standing to my full height, I faced my coach and held out my hand. Coach stood and took it.
“I’m sorry, sir. This was all my fault.” I released his hand as I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry I dragged Mia down with me and I understand I’ll have to face any consequences resulting from our lies.” I glanced down at the ground. I felt like such a kid. I’d done something so immature and beneath the man I wanted to be. “I do love my mom very much. I know even as strong as she is, she’s lonely. I don’t think you need my approval to date my mom, but you have it. I hope you guys can work things out.”
Coach watched me with careful eyes as he stroked his chin. “I accept your apology, Grayson. I don’t know what will happen with your mom and I, but I appreciate what you have to say. As far as Mia, you both are old enough to work out the issues between you like adults. Despite this whole thing, I trust my daughter.” His eyes met mine. “And I think I just might trust you as well.” He clapped a hand down on my shoulder. “Don’t let me down. I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
“Thanks, Coach,” I said as he walked away. He acknowledged me with a raised fist, leaving me to figure out how I was going to fix this mess with my mom and Mia because I think the coach and I had come to an understanding.
18
Mia
Talk about embarrassing. Everything had been going perfectly. The date was so fun. Grayson and I were connecting on a level we never had before, sharing past hurts, commiserating about our parents. I finally felt like there was someone out there who understood how I felt, what I was going through. And he didn’t judge me, or call me selfish, because a part of me knew I was.
And then I had to go and ruin everything.
I had no idea he’d react the way he did, or that he wouldn’t let me explain about Jonathan. He didn’t even try to deny it when I asked him, he just got defensive. I could tell I’d hurt him and that was more of a surprise than anything. Why would Grayson care what I think? Unless he cared too.
I was determined to give him his space when he tore out of the parking lot next to the basketball court. He was angry and driving and I didn’t want to die. I figured we’d have a chance to hash out our differences later. Once he had time to cool down. And I had time to think about what I wanted.
Because I was fairly certain I wanted Grayson. For real.
Of course, nothing was ever easy.
I couldn’t believe my eyes when I looked over and saw my dad kissing Grayson’s mom in a parking lot. Hadn’t we just seen him at the high school?
But all of that was nothing compared to the way Grayson flew off the handle.
Completely.
Unhinged.
All I could do was watch as he ratted us out like a scene from a movie. I hadn’t known Grayson that long, but I’d be willing to bet he didn’t get mad like that very often. It was like he saw red and couldn’t pull back the beast inside that was determined to hurt everyone around him as much as he was hurting. I got it. I did. But I still couldn’t believe it. Honestly, I’d been hoping we’d never have to reveal our stupid plan to keep our parents apart by dating each other. In my mind, either they’d realize they didn’t care we were dating and just keep on seeing each other or they’d break up and it would be a moot point. Either way, I never exp
ected Grayson to scream it at them at the top of his lungs in a public place.
I wasn’t the only one stunned by his actions.
Dad didn’t say a word to me the whole drive home or even after we arrived. I headed straight to my room without offering any explanation. I just wanted the night to end.
The next morning, more like afternoon- it was Sunday after all, I woke up to Dad sitting on the edge of my bed, gently shaking my shoulder. I could tell immediately by the look on his face, my reckoning had come.
“It was Grayson’s idea,” I blurted.
He gave me a look. “I have no doubt about that. But that’s not why I’m here.” He held out his phone. There was an active call on the screen. The name at the top said ‘The Ex’. Creative, he was not.
“No more avoiding her calls, Mia.”
My eyes widened, but another look at the screen let me know he had our end on mute.
“I’m not ready.” I wasn’t. I was still hurt. And angry. How could she have done this to me? Now. At the end of my high school career when things were up in the air and crazy?
Dad gave me a sympathetic look that told me I wasn’t getting out of this short of blood, death, or fire. Grayson wasn’t around to maim and I didn’t see any smoke. I was stuck.
I held out my hand.
Dad leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Don’t forget she loves you. And so do I.” He placed the phone in my hand and stood. “I’m going out for awhile. I’ll be back soon.”
“Hey, Dad?”
He stopped and glanced back. “What, sweetie?”
“I’m sorry.”
He smiled, but didn’t say anything. Hopefully, I’d have an opportunity to prove to him just how sorry I was and to try to earn his trust. Stupid Grayson! Why had I ever listened to him in the first place?
Once Dad left my room, I sat up, situating myself amid the princess pillows and blankets. Mom was still waiting on the other end. I wasn’t intentionally making her wait. I just knew I better get comfortable. This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation.
Finally, I lifted Dad’s phone to my ear. “Hey, Mom.”
“Mia Renee Tillman! What is going on with you? You’ve been avoiding me. I’ve been so worried,” she paused, her voice cracking and I swore I heard her sniffle. But then it seemed she’d collected herself because she started up again, stronger than ever. “If it hadn’t been for your dad calling with updates and always answering the phone when I call, I’d have been on a plane weeks ago! Now, you explain yourself, young lady!”
But I couldn’t. There was no way any words would ever make it past the lump in my throat. Tears filled my eyes as I sat there quietly. I knew I’d hurt her and I felt bad about that, I really did. But she’d hurt me, too! And it was like she didn’t even care. As long as I was safe and had food to eat, who cared what was going on with me? I felt certain she didn’t.
“Mia,” Mom’s voice broke again. “Little girl, you need to talk to me. Is school not going well? Are you worried about next year? Boys? Is your dad the problem? What?”
I knew she’d keep on going until she’d listed any and every possible culprit for my radio silence since moving to Indiana, but I doubted she’d hit on the correct one. Her.
Swallowing hard, I broke through her rapid-fire questions to shout, “You!”
Silence.
For several long seconds neither of us said anything. But then, the dam burst and deep sobs wracked my body as all the pent up emotions finally found their release.
Mom didn’t say anything at first. I knew I’d surprised her, shocked her, with my outburst. I really didn’t want to hurt her. I honestly didn’t want her to feel bad. But my feelings were valid. She’d left me. With little choice but to move two thousand miles away from my home and my friends, she’d left me. And maybe I’d never actually dealt with the feelings resulting from my parents divorce, but I’d figured out recently that I’d been harboring the same kind of resentment toward my dad.
Sure I’d seen him over the years, but it wasn’t the same as seeing him everyday. Deep down, when Mom took me to live in California, I felt betrayed. Why didn’t Dad come, too? Rationally, now, I realize that wasn’t a realistic option, but as a seven year old? As a seven year old girl, all I knew was that my dad wasn’t there anymore and I felt like he just didn’t love me enough to be where I was all the time.
But not Mom. No, Mom was there. I saw her every day. She took care of me and I trusted that relationship. I trusted that she wouldn’t leave me, not like Dad.
Then, she did.
And man, it has had me spiraling.
Once, I calmed down enough, we talked about it. All of it.
“Oh, baby, I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea you were feeling this way. None. You acted like everything was fine.” Mom was a blubbering mess. I could hear her blowing her nose through the phone.
“What was I supposed to say, Mom?” I asked, softly. I didn’t want to fight her. “You were so happy with Mark. I truly want that for you. I do.”
I could tell she was trying to calm her tears, but I heard her sobbing softly.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
She garbled a laugh. “You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing. This is on me. You’ve just always seemed so happy and well-adjusted,” her voice trailed off. “I really wish you were here so I could hug you. I miss you so much.”
“I miss you, too, Mom.” And I did. Very much.
We talked some more. She reassured me that she loved me. And that she’d been concerned about me having all the feelings I had been having, she just didn’t know I was feeling them. I suppose I could blame myself for that. Instead, I vowed to be my own self-advocate. No more hiding my feelings. That didn’t help anyone. All it had accomplished was months of misery and misunderstandings. We talked for a long time.
“Sweetheart, your dad told me about your friend Grayson.” I could tell by the way she said it Dad hadn’t just mentioned Grayson in passing, he’d told her everything.
“Mom-”
“Mia, it’s okay. I understand why you did it. You were afraid your dad would do exactly what you perceived I had done when I married Mark. I get it.”
“It was stupid,” I admitted.
“Well, it was misguided maybe, but not stupid. We all have these defense mechanisms that we use to keep us safe when we feel threatened. Obviously, the two of you felt threatened by the idea of a relationship developing between your dad and his mom, who sounds like a lovely woman, by the way.” I heard the censure in her voice and felt a brand new stab of guilt. “I just can’t help but feel sad for the two of you that you both felt the need to do that. Like I haven’t done my job as a mother to love you and reassure you that you’re safe and wanted and that you have nothing to worry about.”
I almost wanted to correct her and say I did have something to worry about when she married Mark, like them moving, but that would have been counterproductive. We were going to have to let things go or this was going to be a wedge in our relationship for a long, long time. And I realized I didn’t want that.
“But, honey, your dad has been alone for a long time. I know how hard that is, and I know you don’t like to think about your either of your parents being in love, but maybe you can imagine the desire to be in love yourself? I know you want that someday. How would you feel if someone you loved tried to keep you from finding it?” Again, I knew she didn’t want an answer and it was a good thing because I felt like complete and utter crap.
She was right. And really, Grayson and I both knew it was wrong. That we were being selfish. But she’d been right about another thing, we’d both also been scared. Terrified, really, of losing the one parent we felt we had left. At least, I knew I did. And I imagined Grayson did, too, especially after what he shared with me over shakes in his car about his dad.
“I’m sorry, Mom.”
“I know you are, but that one needs to go to your dad. And probably Michelle. To be honest, your dad has never tol
d me about any woman he’s dated, thank goodness, but he told me about her. He wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t truly love her and want her to become a permanent part of our lives.”
It was a lot to think about. We talked a little more, but mostly, I wanted to go back to sleep. This emotional conversation had wiped me out. I was exhausted. I told my mom I loved her one more time and promised to answer the phone when she called from now on and then said goodbye.
Once off the phone, I showered and went downstairs to eat something. Dad was still gone, but I left his phone on the counter in the kitchen so he would see it when he got home and then I went back to bed. I’d had a restless night and even though I’d slept late, I’d only slept a couple of hours.
When I woke up, I called Brooke.
“Wow, girlfriend, you’ve had a busy week,” she said matter of factly after thirty minutes of my verbal vomit.
Groaning, I fell back on my bed. “You aren’t wrong.”
“I don’t even know where to start.”
I didn’t, either. It was all so complicated. There were too many components.
Me.
Me and my dad.
Me and my mom.
Me and Grayson.
Grayson and his mom.
Grayson and his dad.
Grayson and my dad.
Grayson’s mom and my dad.
Grayson.
Me and Grayson.
I really hoped there was some way to help fix the damage Grayson and I had done with his mom and my dad. I didn’t know how, but I hoped there was a way. How would you feel if someone you loved kept you from finding it? Love. Love with someone who made you happy. Made you better. That’s what I wanted. Which made me think of Grayson and my change of heart where he was concerned and I could admit to myself that I had changed. I didn’t believe Grayson was anything like Jonathan.
“So, what are you going to do now?” Brooke asked when I’d been quiet for too long.
“I don’t know. But I think Grayson and I have to do something for Dad and Michelle. Let them know they have our blessing.” I paused. “Well, they have mine at least, I guess, I don’t know how Grayson feels about it at this point.”
Dating: For the Block Page 15
