Damaged

by Leona Keyoko Pink

  I slowly approached the table and looked at the food. It was scrambled eggs with bacon. I pulled the chair out to sit and it made a lot of noise. The room was so quiet. I sat and took a sip of the water before I picked up a fork and began to eat. The eggs were nice and the bacon was crisp. I licked my lips after a few bites and said, “It’s good.”

  Em paused for a second but didn’t respond. He began to fill the kitchen sink with water. I continued to eat and couldn’t recall the last time I’d had a hot breakfast. Usually in the mornings I had cereal or a breakfast bar after one of my workouts. I usually only had a hot breakfast if I went out or my mom was cooking.

  I sighed and watched Em fill the sink with dishes. I kept expecting him to say something, to turn and look at me, but he didn’t. He just kept his back to me and kept cleaning. When the sink was full, he turned off the water and then I watched him wipe down the same spots at least a dozen times. I felt awkward and wondered if he felt the same.

  When I was finished eating I pulled back and picked up my plate and cup. I stood and he quickly turned and approached me. He didn’t look at me. He just tried to take my plate and cup away. I wouldn’t let him. I held on tightly and said, “Let me wash them. It’s the least I can do considering you cooked.”

  “It’s fine,” he grumbled, getting annoyed. He practically yanked them out of my hands. He turned and quickly added them to the sink. I sat back down, remembering now. I’d nearly forgotten with everything that had gone on. Em hated me, wanted nothing to do with me. This...me being here...having to be around me, must have been driving him nuts.

  I bit my lip and stared down at the table. I wondered what I was doing here. How had we run into each other last night? With how he felt...why had he approached me at all? Why had he taken me in...? Especially considering I’d been covered in blood. So far he hadn’t asked me a single question... Shouldn’t I be in the hospital or at a police station?

  I let out a heavy sigh, confused as always. I saw some bits of food had fallen from my plate. I pushed them around the table with my fingers. I had a lot of questions. There were a things I didn’t understand but I knew I needed to start thinking, deciding what I was going to do now.

  I...didn’t know where I was or what time it was, but I knew I’d killed someone even if it was in self-defense I...I supposed I should go to the police and turn myself in. I would explain what had happened, who Lyndon was to me, and what he had done - what he was no doubt going to do again if I hadn’t stopped him.

  I closed my eyes thinking about it now, him standing there naked in my bedroom. I doubted he walked around like that even if he was mental. I knew if I hadn’t fought back, if I hadn’t done what I’d done, he probably would have...I opened my eyes and leaned back in my chair. I looked up at the ceiling. Tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t want to think about it.

  Instead, I focused on what I should be doing. I needed...I needed to go to the police but maybe I should take care of a few things first. Work. I’d probably missed it. I don’t know how long I’d slept but knew I needed to call them, let them know why I hadn’t been in and probably wouldn’t be in for a while.

  No. I shook my head. Work...didn’t matter right now. I needed to call my family. I needed to tell them what had happened. We called each nearly every day and I’d missed yesterday. If I missed two days in a row, surely they would know something was up and worry. I knew once I told them what had happened they would understand. My dad would probably get me a lawyer. Maybe I should speak to one before I went to the police. Either way, I knew my mom and dad would be here as soon as they could. Maybe the whole family would come...Tam, he’d broken his wrist. Maybe I could sign his cast before I went to prison. That was a cheery thought.

  A tear escaped my eye. I sniffled and wiped it away. I watched Em scrub my cup and rinse it before drying it and setting it aside. I sighed yet again and knew before I did anything I needed to get out of here. I bit my lip. I didn’t need to thank Em for last night but...even hating me, he’d taken me in, given me a place to stay and time to figure things out. I looked down at the table and said, “Thank you for everything. I’ll go now,”

  Before I could stand up Em said, “Where?”

  “Does it really matter?” I said. He paused, putting the dish he was scrubbing down. I knew he probably didn’t know exactly what had happened. Why I’d been covered in blood, running in the streets at night. He might care, he might not. I didn’t own him an explanation but I went on, “I...I killed someone last night.” I realized I was saying it more to myself than him. It was the first time I’d said it, heard it out loud. It felt so unreal. I ran my hand across the table supposing I should get used to it.

  “I know,” said Em calmly, before continuing to scrub the plate. He rinsed it and began drying it as I just stared at his back. He knew...he knew what? I looked up at him, wondering how he could possibly know. I wracked my brain. Had I told him? No, I didn’t think so. Some things felt a bit hazy but I don’t think I’d told him I’d killed someone. Maybe...maybe what I had done was already on the news. Or perhaps he’d gone to my apartment and seen for himself. Did he even know where I liv-

  “It’s been taken care of,” he said.

  “Taken care of-” I repeated, coming out of my thoughts.

  “The body has been disposed of and your apartment is being cleaned. You’ll hang out here for a few days. Once everything is safe you can go and do whatever but until then you need to stay.”

  I remembered the conversation from earlier. Kit had mentioned wanting to clean and Richy had commented on how gruesome it was...so...They must have been talking about my place, what I’d done. They all knew what I had done. I just sat there. Who, who were these people that they could just get rid of a body and clean an apartment?

  I knew I should be concerned but instead I found myself wondering why... Why hadn’t they turned me in? Why had they helped me? Did they know who I had killed and why? Did they understand? I wanted, I needed, Em to know. “The body,” I said, “It was Lyndon Craw. The…the man who attacked me all those years ago. The one you saved me from. I... he came back and I-“

  “I know.” said Em. He turned, looking at me with those ocean blue eyes of his, and I just felt he did know...He knew everything I’d been through and he understood. He turned away and I began to sob. I tried to control it but after a few seconds I realized I couldn’t. I let myself break down and cry on the kitchen table. Em just continued to wash the dishes like nothing was happened. When I got a hold of myself I stared at his back and wondered just how he always knew so much and I always knew so little. “How...” I pleaded, “How did you know?”

  He was nearly done with the dishes, scrubbing the pan he’d cooked in. He focused on it and kept his back to me. He didn’t answer and I got upset, angry. Without thinking I pounded the table. I wanted him to look at me, to acknowledge my question...all of my questions. “How did you know?” I demanded.

  He didn’t turn around. He began rinsing the pan and bitterly spat, “Could you not?! Just accept that it’s been taken care of and leave it at that!”

  “No,” I said. I was tired of being pushed away, being shut down and cut off at every turn. I wanted answers. I stood. “Like it or not, THIS involves me. This is my life! Clearly something is going on here. I have every right to demand answers! Just who are you? Who are your friends? How do you know me? How do we share dreams? What does it mean that I’m the girl you die for?”

  I just went off spiraling out madly, asking every question I could think of. He just stood there with his back turned to me, bracing the kitchen sink and counter. I saw his hands tighten and clench as he gripped them tightly. I could tell he was upset. I could tell he didn’t want to have this conversation but too fucking bad, “ANSWER ME, DAMN IT!” I screamed, “TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON! TELL ME SOMETHING, ANYTHING! JUST EXPLAIN!”

  I knew I shouldn’t raise my voice. I shouldn’t yell. I wanted to have a normal conversation but he wouldn’t. I wa
tched his shoulders tense and his head sink. I stopped talking and just looked at him through blurry eyes. I waited and waited as the silence passed endlessly between us. I waited for him to respond, to react, to give me something. But like always he gave me nothing, noth- “You,” he said quietly. I paused holding my breath. I listened, waiting to see what he had to say. “You can watch TV.”

  “TV! What?” I was caught off guard. It took me a moment to realize what he’d said. I turned, looking over at the couch and television. He...was….SERIOUSLY trying to change the subject. I could watch TV?! I could watch TV?! Fuck that! I turned back to him and screamed, “I DON’T WANT TO WATCH FUCKING TV! I WANT-”

  “THEN YOU CAN JUST SIT AND SHUT UP!” he roared back at me, cutting me off. “I’M NOT HERE TO ARGUE WITH YOU! I’M NOT HERE TO ANSWER YOUR EVERY FUCKING QUESTION! JUST BACK THE FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

  He kept his back to me and I clenched my teeth and fists. He just...he just wanted me to shut up and go away. This...I was so...this was so... I wanted to scream. I really wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Didn’t he understand how frustrating, how agonizing this was? I just wanted some fucking answers. “WHY…WHY, DAMN IT!” I demanded. “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH! TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON! WHY DO YOU KEEP SHOWING UP IF YOU HATE ME! WHY DO YOU KEEP HELPING ME IF YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! JUST TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON AND I’LL GO AWAY BUT I-”

  The front door opened and I turned to see Kit. She had a bag of groceries in her arms. She opened the door slowly and looked into the apartment cautiously. I realized she’d probably heard me yelling. I felt embarrassed. I looked to Em but he said nothing. He didn’t move. He just stood with his back to me, staring into the fucking sink. I wanted to go up to him, to turn him and make him look at me. I wanted to continue but I knew this conversation was over. I looked down at the kitchen floor and said, “You can’t keep me in the dark forever. Eventually, I AM going to find out what is going on. With or without you.”

  Then, like a small child, I turned and stormed off back into the bedroom. I slammed the door shut behind me for good measure. Inside the room I kicked clothes about and pulled the blankets from the bed. I punched the pillows and finally collapsed on the floor in front of the bed.

  I pulled my knees into my chest and buried my head in my hands. I sighed, feeling restless. I was beyond agitated. I wanted answers. I was tired, tired of being shoved aside and shut out. I was tired of not knowing, not understanding. I could feel it in my gut. Something big was happening all around me. But I didn’t have a clue. I had no idea what was coming…

  Chapter Nine

  I stayed inside the bedroom for hours. I heard Kit and Em talking but couldn’t make out what they were saying. I considered cracking the door some but I knew they would probably notice and stop talking. Instead I sat on the floor, thinking.

  I had a lot on my mind. Everything with Em and his friends, killing Lynn, preparing to face my consequences, only to find out things had been taken care of. I wondered what I should do now, if I should really stay here or try to go.

  I doubted they could keep me here if I really wanted to leave but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go or not. I knew I still needed to get in touch with my family. I had no idea how long I’d been here or how long I’d be staying. Em wasn’t exactly warming up to me but this was the closest I’d been to him, the most time I’d ever spent with him.

  I...part of me still hoped to find my answers and for him to stop hating me. I sat there, wondering why it mattered if he liked me or not. Honestly, I didn’t know him. How did I know if I liked him or not? And yet, I knew I did. I couldn’t explain it but I felt connected him, connected to them all. From the moment I first met everyone I knew I liked them but...maybe I was just lonely.

  I didn’t have a boyfriend. I didn’t have any friends. I supposed that could all change now. I slowly got up, thinking about it. Lynn was dead. The one person I was scared of, terrified of more than anyone, couldn’t hurt me anymore. I really could do whatever I wanted now. I could go wherever I wanted. I could make friends and even date if I wanted. It sounded so simple, so easy, but I had a feeling it wasn’t so...

  I’d lived my life for so long in fear, with all my rituals…I…I wasn’t sure I could just go back to the way things were, that I could ever be normal. I couldn’t help but think that whether Lynn dead or alive I...I was always going to be damaged. I was always going to be aware of the dangers of this world. I sat on the bed and held myself for a long while thinking about it.

  I heard noises every now and then but mostly enjoyed the silence. At one point I heard a door open and close. Someone had either left or come back. I decided to clean up my mess a bit. I fixed the pillows and made the bed. I wasn’t sure if I should touch the clothes but I gathered them into a pile in the corner.

  When I heard cooking and smelled food again I dared to venture outside the room once more. I saw Kit was gone. There didn’t seem to be anyone but Em. He had his back turned to me and seemed to be frying something. I considered saying I could make my own food but I wasn’t even sure he was making me food. I pulled out a chair and sat down.

  I stared at the table listening to him cook. I wondered if I should apologize for yelling at him earlier but...I didn’t want him to think I was giving up. I wasn’t, not by a long shot. I was still determined now more than ever to get answers. When the food was done Em plated it. He turned then but didn’t look at me. He set two plates down and then got two glasses of water.

  He pulled out a chair, sat down, and then began eating without a word. I watched him but didn’t say anything. After a few bites he nudged the other plate towards me as if I didn’t think it was for me. I looked down at the food but wasn’t sure what it was. It looked like noodles maybe...it was yellow, possibly cheese or eggs again. I picked up the glass of water and drank half of it.

  He continued to eat and then noticed I still hadn’t touched it. He paused. Not looking up he cleared his throat and said, “Try it. You like this,” he took a drink of some water and then nearly spit it up, quickly corrected himself, “You might like this.”

  I looked at him strangely and he continued eating. I supposed he was at least trying to be nice. I sighed and picked up the fork. I didn’t know what to expect. I knew I’d never had this before and I wasn’t all that hungry but I supposed it didn’t hurt to try. The first bite was strange, different, and new. The second bite was okay. But by the third bite I was in love. I found there was an array of flavors and after-tones but most of all I liked the texture of it. I quickly ate bite after bite and finished my plate before I knew it.

  Em finished his own plate and then took mine. I didn’t fight him this time. I let him take my plate and cup. If he wanted to do the dishes so bad then let him. I knew my mom would love him but I doubted they’d ever meet with the way things were going. I sighed and supposed after a minute or two I could make an attempt to be nice as well. “It... was good,” I said. “Thank you,”

  He nodded but didn’t say anything. He just continued to clean up. I considered apologizing again but held my tongue. An awkward silence filled the air. I debated going back to the bedroom but was getting a little stir crazy. I decided to watch TV instead...I guess now I fucking felt like it. I chuckled to myself a little louder then I intended. I saw Em tilt his head slightly, noticing, but he didn’t say anything.

  I got up, shuffled over to the couch, and sat down. I looked around for a remote and found it in the couch cushions, along with a lot of other things. I sat up on the edge of the couch, feeling slightly unnerved, but turned on the TV.

  Two extremely attractive woman were naked and making out. I watched one woman take the other woman’s breasts in her mouth and begin to suck on her nipple. I squinted, realizing the woman’s nipples were pierced. I wondered how that felt, if it had hurt. I watched as the other woman pulled on the piercing, tugging at it. They began to fingers each other to sensual music and I found I couldn’t look away, tiltin
g my head.

  I heard dishes crash and turned, seeing Em barreling toward the TV. Frantically, he rushed up to the DVD player and looked all around it. He pushed some buttons and a disk popped out. I realized I’d been watching a DVD. Without a word he took it and stormed off, cursing under his breath…

  I smiled to myself finding it a little funny. I also thought he was being way overprotective. It was just porn. I was an adult woman, it’s not like I hadn’t seen it. A few years ago I’d...tried watching some to help with my intimacy issues. After things with Lynn I...I had a hard time connecting... Anything sexual brought me to tears for years...I couldn’t even touch myself without my skin crawling.

  I knew...I knew I needed to do something. I thought if I just watched sex it would help get me familiar with it and give me more control...I could stop it whenever I wanted and turn it off. Still...I must have watched dozens of videos but I’d always grow quiet and think of...It hadn’t helped. I...accepted that I wasn’t ready. That I might never be. I sat staring at a nature channel and tried not to think about it. I just pushed it away and buried it like I did so many other things. I knew one day I was going to have to dig them all out...and it wasn’t going to be fun but maybe...I wouldn’t have to do it alone.

  When Em finished cleaning up he sat down at the kitchen table. I turned and offered, “You can join me, if there is something you want to watch.”

  “No,” he said leaning forward in his chair. He rested his elbows on the table and put his chin in his hands. He looked tired. I wondered if he’d been getting any sleep, “You don’t have to watch me.” I said. If you want you can take a nap in the bedroom,”

  He sighed, annoyed, “Could you just-”

  “Shut up and leave you alone?” I interrupted, “Yah, yah,” I said, turning back around, “I was just trying to be nice.”