Damaged

by Leona Keyoko Pink

It took some digging to find a pencil. When I found one it was sticky for some unknown reason, so I washed it off under the sink. I sat back down at the table and wrote down what I thought I’d learned. The girl Richy liked had memory loss from dying or something and she wasn’t awake… He wasn’t allowed to talk to her because there was a rule not to interfere with those who weren’t awake yet. They had made a promise.

  I circled not to interfere, awake, and promise. It all rolled around in my head like junk in a drawer. I don’t know why I found it so hard to focus, to put everything together. I shut my eyes again. If someone wasn’t awake they couldn’t interfere. I recalled my dream of them in the diner...”You shouldn’t have interfered” Richy had interfered. Emmit had interfered. The girl Richy liked wasn’t awake...and Richy had said...I wasn’t awake.

  I opened my eyes, lighting up. I wasn’t awake so, so they weren’t allowed to interfere. That was it! That was why they avoided me. It was why Emmit didn’t want to know me, why he didn’t want anything to do with me. It was because he couldn’t have anything to do with me. He, they, had made a promise not to interfere.

  I leapt out of my chair excitedly, knocking it back and onto the ground. It made a loud noise but I didn’t care. I began to hop around the room and then pace. I’d done it. I’d figured something out! I’d figured something out!

  I wasn’t just wandering in the dark. I’d turned on a light but...what did it mean to be awake? Did that mean that Emmit and the others were awake? What did that mean? I stopped pacing and plopped down on the couch. Great...I’d solved one question and now there were even more questions.

  I sighed. Oh well, at least I had something. I had something! Now, what could I do with it? How could it help me to figure everything else out? I bit my lip, trying to think, when I heard the front door open. I turned around on the couch and saw Emmit had returned.

  He sighed, looking frustrated and annoyed, so pretty much he was back to normal now. I expected Richy to be behind him but he wasn’t. Emmit shut the door and I bit my lip wondering if I’d gotten Richy in trouble. I wanted answers but I didn’t want anyone to get in trouble. “I...you shouldn’t be mad at Richy. It...wasn’t his fault. I was the-”

  “It doesn’t matter.” said Emmit, interrupting me. “It’s safe now. You can go back to your life.”

  It was safe now? Was I ever in any danger? I hadn’t really thought about why I was staying here. I just assumed it was because things were being taken care of and cleaned up. I’d mostly just been focused on figuring things out, and on Emmit. Had something else, something dangerous, been going on? I stood up from the couch and asked, “Why wasn’t it safe earlier?”

  He just sighed and pulled something out of his pocket. He tossed it across the room and it landed on the back of the couch, “Just put this on and I’ll take you home.”

  I picked up what he had thrown and saw it was a hood. If I put it on I knew I wouldn’t be able to see anything. He probably didn’t want me to know where I was so I couldn’t come back here. I held it in my hands but I didn’t put it on. Instead, I looked at him and said, “I know about the rule. I know that because I’m not awake you’re not supposed to interfere.”

  He had no expression. He just stood there. I waited for him to respond and several minutes of silence passed between us. Eventually, he shifted his weight and looked to the floor, scratched his head, “Richy talks shit when he gets drunk. I don’t know whatever bullshit he-”

  I interrupted him, “It wasn’t bullshit! I think the rule is the reason you won’t, can’t, talk to me.”

  He smiled slightly and shook his head, “Think whatever you want but if...if there were even a rule like that, it wouldn’t matter. It would change anything. With or without it, I still wouldn’t talk to you. Now put on the hood and let’s go.”

  I glared at him, frustrated. I thought I had something, knew something, that might change things between us. I knew it wouldn’t magically fix everything but I thought it might get me closer to my answers...closer to understanding. But it would seem it meant nothing to Emmit. Him not wanting anything to do with me had nothing to do with the rule.

  I considered asking him why again but I knew by now it was pointless. I didn’t want to leave here without answers but it would seem I had no choice. I pulled the hood over my head. I was only able to see when I looked down now. I took a step forward and Emmit stepped up to me. I looked down at his shoes and felt the hood tighten. He adjusted it so I couldn’t see anything at all and then secured it into position.

  I realized then what I was doing was stupid. Here I was, willingly putting a hood on my head, making myself vulnerable with a man I barely knew. Yet I wasn’t scared...I wasn’t even cautious. When it came to Emmit, I felt I could just trust him completely. Even if he despised me, I knew somehow I was safe with him.

  Though I couldn’t see, I felt him standing close to me, his presence right next to me. He lingered there for a moment and then I felt his fingers brush against mine, only his hand was gloved. Had he been wearing gloves or had he just put them on? He entangled his fingers in mine and took hold of my hand. Our hands fit perfectly into one another, as if they were always meant to come together.

  I heard his voice then. “I’ll guide you.”

  I nodded and my heart fluttered as we took our first step together. I supposed I should have tried to count the steps we took, listened to sounds I might recall later so that I might find my way back here, but I knew I wasn’t that smart, that perceptive. When it came to my surroundings, I didn’t usually notice things.

  Instead, I focused on walking and holding Emmit’s hand. I realized...this was probably it. Once he took me home he would probably go away forever. I’d known it was over though since that day he’d made things clear. This, all this time we’d had together, had just been extra... borrowed time.

  Still, as I held his hands, as I trusted him to take me home, I felt something. My eyes welled up with tears as hidden emotions boiled up to the surface. All this time I had been looking for Emmit to thank him, to find the answers to my questions, to distract myself in a mystery. But really I...I was looking for him…to see him, to know him, ultimately to be with him.

  I couldn’t explain it... this connection we shared. These feelings I had. It was like the first time I saw Lyndon Craw, I knew I didn’t like him. But with Emmit the first time I’d seen him on the beach, even as he’d turned away from me, I’d felt something, something I hadn’t understood at the time. A sensation, an emotion I’d yet to decipher until this moment, holding his hand, being this close to him. I knew I liked him but suddenly realized I more than liked him…I…

  While Lynn had filled me with a cold dread an unexplained sadness. Emmit filled me with a familiarity, an excitement. Just being near him felt elating. I knew...I knew I could be projecting. Emmit was tangled up in everything that had happened. He’d been my savior but I felt this feeling...this feeling was more than mistook gratitude. I felt it was older...stronger and bigger then both of us.

  “We’re here,” he said.

  I paused. I...there was no way we were here already. We couldn’t...it felt like no time at all had passed. Did Richy live this close to me? Emmit let go of my hand and my heart began to race. It couldn’t be. This couldn’t be it. I just realized how I felt. It was too soon...I didn’t know what I was going to-

  The hood moved slightly and Emmit pulled it off my head. I could see again and saw we were indeed back in my apartment. It was clean, cleaner than it had probably ever been even when I moved in. There was a beautiful bouquet of flowers in my kitchen.

  I got distracted for a second looking at them and then moving to my bedroom. I looked at the spot where ‘his’ body had been. If...I hadn’t experienced it, I would have never guessed what had happened here. “Kit...did an amazing job,”

  I turned to Emmit. He stood by the front door and just nodded. He was holding the hood in his hands. He looked down at the floor and seemed to be lost in thought.
I knew this was it. Any minute he was going to turn and leave my life forever. I knew...I knew how I felt now. I...I wanted...needed him to know, even if he didn’t feel the same. “I...I know I-”

  “No,” Emmit said interrupting me.

  I looked at him and he looked at me. His eyes weren’t angry or annoyed. They were something fierce, determined. “Just no,” he said. “I know what you are going to say. I can’t...I can’t do this. Not again.”

  “What?” I said. How could he know what I-

  “Just listen,” he said, raising his voice, “I know you have questions. I am NOT the one to answer them. I know you feel something, some deep connection between us you can’t explain. Shut it down, bury it, do whatever you need to, but forget it. Forget me. Or, fuck it, don’t, and torture yourself with it. I... don’t...really... care. But you need to understand that I made a choice. I MADE a CHOICE not to be involved with you. It was a choice, not some fucking rule.” he looked to the side. “I don’t know how much clearer I can be. I can not... I WILL NOT get caught up in this...with you, again.” He looked back at me and our eyes connected as he continued, “You are a FUCKING poison to me. You are TOXIC. You’re damaged...DAMAGED beyond ALL repair. I cannot help you and, more importantly, I DON’T fucking want to!”

  My eyes widened and my mouth parted at his words. He didn’t break eyes contact, hissing, “When I leave here...I’m going to get as far away from you as possible. I am going to forget you. I will never help you again. I don’t care what you choose to do from this moment on, what trouble you get yourself into. As far as I’m concerned, when I leave here you are dead to me…DEAD!”

  My lips quivered and my body trembled with emotion. Why...why was he...why was he saying all these things to me? Why...was he being so brutal? No one had ever spoken to me like this. What did I ever...What did I ever do to him to make him feel so strongly...to hate me so much? My eyes blurred with tears but I didn’t look away. I couldn’t look away and I couldn’t stop listening. “If I ever, by some twisted fucking chance of fate, run into you again, I will not acknowledge your existence. I am DONE with you. DONE!”

  I just stood there horrified, devastated, taking in every word he said. He truly...truly- He took a deep breath of air. I saw him shake and tremble himself as if he’d been holding it all in for such a long time and now...it was finally all out in the open. He closed his eyes, finally breaking eye contact and then without another word, he just turned and walked away…

  Chapter Eleven

  Winter

  Three Years Later

  “Is he really not coming?” asked Samantha, leaning up against my desk.

  “Looks like it,” I said, looking at my phone for the twelfth time that night.

  “Pity, I really wanted to meet him,” said Samantha, pouting.

  “He wanted to meet you all,” I said as I finished packing up my things. I went to the coat rack and Samantha followed me. I assured her. “Something just came up.”

  “Well, next office party. No excuses,” said my manager, Patty. She walked up to Samantha and me with yet another drink in her hand. I wasn’t exactly counting but I knew that had to be more than five or six by now. I was surprise she was still walking straight. Then again, I was a light weight when it came to alcohol. I got buzzed after one and was out of it by three.

  “No excuses.” I assured her, lifting my coat off the rack. I slid it on and Jeffery walked over, “Leaving so soon?”

  “Yeah, it’s starting to snow. I want to get home before it gets too bad,” I said.

  “I should probably head out soon too,” said Samantha, concerned.

  “Do you need someone to walk you out?” asked Jeffery.

  I could tell he was hopeful to find some excuse to leave but I was eager to be alone. I had some things I needed to think about. “No, but thank you,” I said politely.

  “I might need someone,” said Patty in a sultry tone with a smirk and a wink to Jeffery.

  His boyfriend couldn’t make it either and Patty had been playfully hitting on him all night. She always hit on guys when she had too much to drink. Jeffery knew how to handle her. He just smiled and rolled his eyes. “Oh please, you’re probably not even going home tonight.”

  “Honey, this place is my home,” said Patty with a laugh, finishing off her drink.

  “And that’s why I’ll never be salary,” I teased.

  “You wish,” said Patty with a laugh. “You all wish...You don’t know the perks they give me.”

  “All the perks in the world ain't worth the overtime.” I said shaking my head and then I waved to them and a few others in the back of the office. “Take care, everyone. Drive safe.” A few nodded and said goodbye. I turned and left the office. I walked down the hall and to the elevators, pushing the call button. It was slow coming up and slow going down but I didn’t mind. I was in no real rush to get home.

  When the elevator doors opened, I stepped into the lobby. It was empty and dimly lit. From time to time I recalled how some things might have scared me in the past. How I would have taken measures to avoid being caught in such a situation. But I refused to let fear rule me, to control every aspect of my life. I was still cautious, mind you, but it was important to strike a balance.

  Standing in the lobby, I had to admit it was weird being at work this late but also kind of nice. I found everything had two sides to it. It was cool to see the other side of things. The calm and quiet of night was definitely different from the hustle and bustle of the day.

  I walked to the front doors and stopped for a moment, looking outside. It was dark out but the parking lot was well lit. I could see the snow coming down. With the way the wind was blowing it was only lightly dusting the ground. I pushed the door open and went outside.

  It was chilly out but not too cold. Just the same I wrapped my jacket around myself a little tighter. I walked carefully looking for ice every so often. I almost couldn’t believe how quiet and empty it was. It was as if I had the whole world to myself if only for a moment. It wasn’t a long walk to my car but it was long enough for my mind to drift.

  I wasn’t a fan of idle moments, especially during the winter. When it snowed, it reminded me of him. It had snowed that day when things had ended between us. I knew I would not meet with him again. After the way things had ended, after what he had said to me, I...I found I was okay with that.

  I’d thought a lot over those first few weeks about what had happened...the things he had said. I went through a mixture of emotions. I kept wondering how I could have let myself believe I’d had feelings for someone so abrasive...so hateful. That I allowed myself to think we ever had any kind of deep connection. Clearly I didn’t know him at all and he...he didn’t know me. I realized it must have been the stress of everything getting to me. After all, I had killed a man. Even if it was Lyndon.

  I tried not to think about any of it. I didn’t want to feel anything. I tried to bottle it up as Emmit had suggested and bury it all away. I told myself that with time I’d feel better, in time I would forget. Yet deep down I knew this was something that wasn’t going to go away. I had a feeling it was going to stay with me for a long while...perhaps the rest of my life.

  I’d found it hard staying in that city. Everywhere I went I was reminded of him, reminded of them. I also couldn’t stay in that apartment knowing what had happened there. I kept expecting the police to show up even though Emmit had said things had been taken care of. I didn’t think they could really make what I had done just go away.

  At one point the police knocked on my door and I thought this was it...but apparently one of my neighbors was missing. The one with the cat, Mr. Tinker. They asked when I’d last seen him and I realized it had been on that night when I was getting into the elevators after just killing Lynn. I wondered then if the others...had ‘taken care’ of him too, or if something else had a happened. I didn’t like lying to the police but I said I hadn’t seen him around, only his cat every now and then. That seemed to be enou
gh for them.

  After almost two months I realized I needed a real fresh start. Now that Lynn was gone and things were over with the others, I needed to start living my life. It wasn’t easy getting out of my lease or quitting my jobs, especially when they had been so understanding about my sudden absence and return.

  I visited my family and stayed with them for a few weeks. I almost decided to move back in with them but I knew if I stayed I’d probably live with them forever. No...Holidays and special events were the only days I could go home. I needed to be on my own and make my way in this world.

  I picked a nearby city and found a new job. My apartment wasn’t the best and the job was simple but at least it kept me busy. Above all, I didn’t let my mind go quiet. I tried not to think about him and what had happened. As the days turned into weeks and months, my emotions leveled out.

  When I dreamed, I tried to focus on flying. I’d be lying if I said our connection was completely broken that day he walked away. The dreams still came but I fought them and soon enough, they happened less and less often. A few times I’d see him with others... women, and then one in particular. They seemed steady. He even seemed happy. It was... a strange look for him.

  I’ll admit it hurt. I didn’t know why at first. I had all these reasons why it shouldn’t matter. I didn’t know him. He hated me and had said such awful things to me. I...didn’t own him. He wasn’t mine. And yet...yet seeing him happy with someone else made me realize it was just me that made him miserable. It was just me he couldn’t stand. He could be happy and he was happy and I...I wasn’t.

  It...It took a lot to admit that to myself that I was just existing in my little space, making it day to day, when here he was living his life. I tried to be mature. Just because he hated me didn’t mean I had to hate him. I wished him good luck and happiness. I continued to push the dreams away and soon, soon enough, they’d nearly stopped altogether.

  After almost a year, I knew I had to do something to ensure my own happiness. Even if things didn’t work out, I needed to get myself out there and at least try and find a life. I made it a point to break my rituals, to move out of my comfort zone and talk to people. I got to know my co-workers, accepted opportunities, and made friends. I didn’t look away from flirting glances. I talked with more guys and went out to a few bars. I got drunk for the first time. The hangover wasn’t fun but it was another thing I could do.