Damaged

by Leona Keyoko Pink

  I went on some dates but it really wasn’t my scene. I didn’t have a lot of experience. I hadn’t dated in high school or after...with everything that had happened. I realized just how stunted I was. Most of the people my age had been in multiple relationships by now, for years. I began to think it just wasn’t going to happen for me. I resolved myself to having a few friends at work and reading romance books or catching the latest romance movies.

  Then...then I met Thad. He worked at my favorite bookstore. I was looking at a book when I heard a thud and someone cursing under their breath. I looked a few aisles down and there he was. He’d been carrying too many books at once and they’d all fallen to the floor. Without hesitation, I went to help him. We ended up talking and when I came in the next time, he remembered me and we talked some more.

  Soon enough, I asked him out to coffee and coffee led to a movie, dinner, and long talks at night. I found it hard to open up to him at times. I didn’t tell him everything I’d been through. He could tell I’d been through something traumatic but he didn’t push me. Eventually I just said I’d been mugged when I was younger and had made it a point to be cautious ever since. I knew it was a lie but maybe one day when we got to know each other better I could tell him everything…

  We spent almost all our free time together and after a year, and a lot of patience, understanding, and hard work on both our parts. We started sleeping together. Those first few months I cried every single time, if not during then after. But he never pushed. He never made me feel bad. He just gave me space and time. We rented a house and started living together a few months ago.

  It was a strange adjustment but so far I was liking it. I felt things were going in a good direction and now...now I was pretty sure he was planning on proposing soon. I did our laundry and a few days ago I found a ring in his pants pocket. I quickly put the laundry back and found it missing a few days later. This morning I noticed a bag of rose petals in the back of the fridge.

  Tonight was my office’s annual holiday party. He was supposed to join me and meet my coworkers but he never showed. He texted he was coming over two hours ago and then an hour ago he said he was still coming but running late. When he still hadn’t shown up I began to worry. I texted him several times and then called him but he didn’t pick up. Then twenty minutes ago he texted sorry, something came up, see you when you get home.

  I realized then that tonight must be the night he was going to ask me to marry him. I sighed and could see my breath in the night air. I hadn’t been sure what to say a few days ago when I first saw the ring but I’d had some time to think and I figured why not. I can see myself marrying him, settling down, perhaps even having kids one day. I’m sure I’d be happy enough.

  My family had met him and they liked him and I liked him just fine. But I worried I didn’t love him. I worried what if I wasn’t able to love anyone? But... I stopped walking. In the middle of the parking lot, I looked up at the night sky. My eyes felt a little misty. For a moment I let the snow fall on my face and I thought of him. I wondered what he was doing now.

  I clenched my fists and looked to the ground. The mist in my eyes was threatening to become tears. I closed my eyes. It didn’t matter. Whatever he was doing, wherever he was, he had nothing to do with me and my ‘choices’. I opened my eyes and finished walking to my car. I got in, buckled up, and sighed.

  My chest ached and I just sat there thinking. I knew before I went home I had to be sure about what I wanted. What would I do if Thad asked me to marry him? I knew I could say yes to him but was it fair to him? Was it fair to promise to spend the rest of our lives together when I wasn’t sure I could love him?

  I turned on my car and then sat there a good ten minutes while it warmed up. Eventually I threw my head back and sighed one last time. It was true I might not love him yet but I felt I could grow to in time. No one knew what the future held and the possibility of love was at least something. It was more than most people got...right?

  Chapter Twelve

  It wasn’t a long drive home. I was used to there being some traffic after work but with it being late in the evening and snowing there was barely a car on the road. I was able to make it home in less than half the time it normally took.

  When I pulled up in the driveway the lights in the house were off. We didn’t own the house but rented it. It was a nice enough place but we’d picked it because of the location. It was only twenty minutes from my work and about fifteen from his. It had a nice yard and a fence in the back. More than once we talked about getting a dog but we felt it wasn’t fair to leave a pet at home alone all day.

  I sat in my car for a moment and wondered if Thad was even home. Usually we kept the outside light on, especially at night. I bit my lip when I saw his truck was in the driveway. It felt strange but I got out of the car and carefully made my way up the walk.

  When I got to the front door I found it strangely unlocked. I stepped inside the house and paused, feeling uneasy. I saw a small light coming from the kitchen. Shadows flicked against the wall and I realized the light was coming from a candle. I let out a sigh of relief, shutting the door. Of course...he was trying to impress me. I could picture it now...candles and rose petals leading to a proposal.

  I licked my lips and then paused again, thinking I needed to seem surprised. I knew he’d feel bad if he realized I’d picked up on his plan and was expecting it. I took a big breath, preparing myself, and then walked into the kitchen.

  I found him sitting at the kitchen table reading a magazine in the candlelight. I realized I must have surprised him and cleared my throat. He continued to flip through the magazine and didn’t seem to care that I was standing there. I looked around for any sign of rose petals but there were none.

  Confused and curious I walked up to the kitchen table and set down my purse, “Hi,”

  “Hi,” he said, clearing his throat. He looked up from his magazine and smiled up at me. His voice sounded a bit scratchy when he spoke, “How was the party?”

  “Not too bad,” I said, taking off my coat. I put it on the back of the chair, still confused, “Is everything alright?”

  “Yes,’ he said again, clearing his throat, “Sorry about earlier. Don’t feel too well...and the power’s gone out,”

  “Oh...really?” I said. I thought it was for his proposal but I guess I was wrong. I looked around, tapping my fingertips on the table. “For how long?”

  “I don’t know. They’ve been out since I got home,” he said before coughing.

  I reached my hand out to feel his forehead but he pulled back. I looked at him strangely, “Sorry, I don’t want you to get sick,”

  “Hmmm,” I said. He sounded awful. My heart sunk a bit then when I realized the proposal wasn’t happening tonight. I felt foolish for caring. I’d been on the fence all night and obviously other things were going on. He wasn’t feeling well and the power was out. Still... I felt disappointed... part of me just wanted to get it over with. I bit my lip, wondering if it was bad to feel that way. I sighed and thought it didn’t matter. It wasn’t something I needed to worry about right now.

  I went to the fridge and opened it though I didn’t feel hungry. It was more force of habit. There had been a lot of good food at the office party. I’d debated bringing some of it home but thought it would be rude since the party was still going. I noticed the fridge light turned on immediately and it almost blinded me. I blinked several times and then turned to Thad.

  He looked surprised and said, “The power must be back on.”

  I went to the light switch and turned it on. Sure enough, the light turned on. That was one less thing to worry about. “Well, that’s something,” I said.

  I flashed Thad a smile and he coughed. I went to look in the cupboards for anything that might help. “Have you eaten? I can make you something. I think we have some soup somewhere around here.”

  “Don’t put yourself out,” he said, “I’m fine, really.”

  I turned and looked a
t him. He gave me a weak smile, “Well, if you need anything let me know.”

  He nodded and I went to go change my clothes. I considered doing a load of laundry and made my way down the hallway, turning on lights as I went. Halfway down the hall I saw the rose petals. I paused and chuckled to myself...this must be it. He must have been setting them up when the power went out.

  I wondered now if he was really sick or just hiding his excitement. He was never very good when it came to keeping secrets. I turned around and saw he’d moved into the hallway. He put his hands in his pocket and leaned against the wall, watching me.

  I knew what was happening but acted surprised and then curious. I turned back around and played along. I followed the rose petals, walking into the bedroom. I flipped on the lights ready to squeal with excitement. That’s what people did right? When they were proposed to, they squealed with excitement and delight.

  My eyes fell across the room as the lights came on. I saw rose petals everywhere, all over the floor and bed. And there was something in the middle of the bed. It took a second to hone in on it, with all the red. I found it hard to focus and even then I didn’t know what I was looking at. I stumbled forward, squinting. It almost looked like... a head. Not just any head, but...the hair...the face…Thad.

  I stood frozen...confused. I pulled back sharply. It couldn’t be. My mind raced with confusion. It made no sense. Wha...what was …I seeing? I kept staring at the thing like it would suddenly make sense. I stepped back out of the room. I...didn’t understand. What did a fake head have to do with a proposal? Was this some kind of sick joke? Was there a camera somewhere?

  I stumbled into the hall and heard Thad walking up to me.

  “Well?” he said, “What do you think?”

  “What do I think? What….What’s with the head?”

  “Head?” he repeated, looking at me with confusion, “What head, Bec?”

  “There is a head on the- wait, did you just call me Bec?” I must have misheard him. There was no way he’d called me that. I’d never told him my real name. I’d never told him any of it.

  “What’s wrong, Aubrey? I know I made a bit of a mess with the rose petals but I thought it would be romantic.”

  He hadn’t responded to my question. His voice sounded strange...off somehow. I knew he wasn’t feeling well but it didn’t sound sore or scratchy and he was saying my name weird. I was so confused.

  He looked concerned, “Aubrey, I’m beginning to worry. Are you okay?”

  “No I-,” I said, furrowing my brow. I felt overwhelmed, uncertain and agitated. Everything felt off and not right somehow. The fine hairs on my skin were standing up and alarm bells were going off in my head. I found it hard to swallow, “The bedroom…”

  “The rose petals? I’ll clean them up,”

  “No… there is a head or something on the bed,” I stammered.

  Thad pushed past me and went into our bedroom. “What are you going on about?”

  I followed him into the bedroom but when I looked everything was different. The room was spotless, clean. There was no head on the bed...but also no rose petals. My lower lip quivered. I felt like I was losing my mind. “What…but...no,” I said, moving my hands about.

  Had I imagined it all? No…no…the rose petals had been here. I could still smell them. I paused in the middle of the room, breathing in their scent deeply. They were still here. They had to be. But why, why couldn’t I see them? I ran my hands across the bed and I...I could feel them and something wet but when I looked down at my hands there nothing, “WHAT!!!!” It didn’t make any sense. None of it made any sense, “WHAT’S GOING ON!!!” I cried out.

  I stood there, having a mental breakdown and Thad just stared at me, smiling. After a minute or so he laughed. Only it wasn’t his laugh. I looked at him more confused than ever as he said, “What’s wrong, Bec? Did you not want me to clean up?”

  I knew I’d heard him say my name this time. “I...I HEARD YOU! I know you said my-How do you know?” I stumbled back, “Who have you been talking to?”

  He stood there for a moment continuing to smile before he sighed and said, “I have to say Aubrey is a bit of an improvement but let’s face it, you’ll always just be boring Becca.”

  That voice. I...I knew that voice. It wasn’t Thad’s but... how...I... “Boring Becca,” I repeated. I hadn’t heard that in years. I stumbled back. “Who…Who...are you?” I stammered without thinking. I just knew this…this wasn’t Thad. It looked like him but...it wasn’t him.

  Thad casually walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. Only when he sat down, he changed. If I hadn’t seen it I never would have believed it. But before my very eyes he changed into a woman, and not just any woman. It had been years, years, but I could never forget that tight pony tail, the love of cat’s eyes makeup, and that sick, condescending smile. My mouth fell open as my heart nearly exploded, “JULIA!!!”

  Chapter Thirteen

  "What, not happy to see me?" said Julia.

  I just stood there in disbelief. I didn’t understand, couldn't comprehend, what was happening. Julia could see. She always had a knack for reading people. Except when it came to… to…

  My breath quickened. My chest felt heavy. I knew he was gone. I'd killed him myself. But seeing Julia here and now brought the full weight of it all back. The last time I’d seen her was from inside the trunk of a car after she betrayed me. Last I’d heard she was in a mental institution getting treatment for hurting herself.

  My vision started to go fuzzy as I realized I was hyperventilating.

  "Breathe," said Julia. "Breathe, Becca. I don't need you passing out just yet and ruining all my hard work."

  I struggled to breathe, to grasp hold of the situation. Somehow I managed to calm down enough to speak, "A...Are you real?"

  She laughed, giddy, like the time sophomore year when a girl who had been giving her shit got arrested for drugs in her locker. I’d had a feeling Julia had something to do with it but I knew better than to ask. I thought she was my best friend and, while I didn't always like what she did, I knew you always had your friend’s back no matter what. At least, that’s how I'd felt back then.

  "Am I real?" Julia repeated, looking over her nails. "Am I real? Maybe, maybe not. Depends on how I feel, really."

  If I wasn't already confused as fuck, her answer was oh so, helpful. I knew without a doubt, she was real, a real bitch. But how was she here? How had she just been Thad? Now that I thought of it, where was Thad? His truck was in the driveway but where was he?

  "Thad," I said out loud without thinking.

  Julia smiled at me. I knew that cruel smile and quickly demanded, "Where is he? Where is Thad?"

  "You know." said Julia, tilting her head."You know where he is,"

  "I don't," I said. "Stop toying with me. We're not kids anymore."

  "You're right," said Julia, "But just the same, I'm in control and we'll do things my way,"

  That had been our entire relationship. It took years of therapy for me to realize our friendship had never really existed and move on. I'd thought growing up it was a bit uneven at times but the truth was Julia never cared about me. She'd only hung out with me because I was there. Just someone to fan her ego. I wasn't that girl anymore.

  I put my foot down, "NO!"

  She smiled, "Fine, I can see you haven't changed one bit. As soon as things get a little hard, you quit. So, I'll be nice and give you a hint. Look at your hands."

  This was bullshit. She was just stringing me along. Yet when I looked at my hands, they were red. And not just any red. Blood red. "This isn't real." I said, stumbling back. I nearly slammed into the dresser behind me.

  "Oh, it is." said Julia, getting up from the bed. She took several steps toward me and lifted her hand in front of her. "You see," she said, looking at her nails once more. "I can manipulate whatever I want." The color of her nail polish changed from black, to orange, to blue, to green and then red. My mouth fell open as I watched he
r hand turn into a gloved hand and then octopus tentacles."But the truth always remains," she said as her hand changed back to normal.

  I was speechless, dumbfounded. I'd never seen anything like this in my entire life. How, how was she doing this? Was she even doing this? Was I just imagining it all? Perhaps I was dreaming. I'd had vivid dreams before. After all, it was how I'd met Emmit. Yet even that dream wasn't this real. But then, what was this?

  I struggled to think of anything that would explain this. Maybe I'd been drugged at the party. Patty was always teasing about adding a little extra something to the punch one day to liven things up. But this, this couldn't be drugs, could it? I'd never done them. I didn't know. I didn't think they could do something like this but at this point I wasn’t sure of anything. If I wasn't dreaming, or drugged, the only thing I had left was a psychotic break.

  Julia snapped her fingers, getting my attention. "I didn’t miss this, you always staring off into space. Honestly, I don't know what he sees in you. Whatever, we don't have all night to mess around. So let's get back to it, shall we? Where is Thad, Becca?"

  "I don't know!" I snapped back. I was beginning to get frustrated with whatever this was.

  "You do," she said, pouting her lips and talking down to me. "You really do. Just try to use what little brain cells you have and the hint I so generously gave you."

  "The hint..." I said, looking at my hands, my blood red hands. ‘It wasn't real’ I told myself, and yet my eyes drifted up to the bed. I'd touched it, seeking out the rose petals I could clearly smell but not see. I'd felt them on the bed and something wet...