by Lily Ryan
Hate to Love You
Lily Ryan
Hate to Love You
First printing, 2019
Copyright © 2019 by Lily Ryan
Cover art copyright © by Imagination Uncovered
Cover photograph copyright © Imagination Uncovered
Book design by Lily Ryan
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the written permission of the publisher.
The persons and events portrayed in this work of fiction are the creations of the author, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
Publisher’s Note: The author and publisher have taken care in preparation of this book but make no expressed or implied warranty of any kind and assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. No liability is assumed for incidental or consequential damages in connection with or arising out of the use of the information contained herein.
Printed in the United States of America
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Lily's Newsletter
For
My precious daughters. The world is your playground. Trust your gut. You’ll know true love when it shows its face and settle for nothing less.
Chapter 1
Samantha
“Samantha!”
I keep going as if I didn’t hear my name. Cold and wet, I climb the wooden steps of the swing set. I hug my arms around my knees, sit and shiver, taking shelter from the falling rain.
“Sam, what the hell?”
I look up and lose myself in a set of blue eyes as never ending and deep as the sea. Familiar eyes I dream about every night. Tumultuous eyes, stormier than the dark grey skies above us. Lightening zigzags in the background. Thunder cracks hard and loud making me jump.
“Why didn’t you stop when I called?”
I shrug my shoulders and sniffle, trying to stop the damn tears I don’t want him to see.
“Samantha?”
I should answer, say something, but I can’t. Words are lost. I hug my knees and curl myself into a ball.
Much too big and strong to be doing so, Cole climbs the steps of my childhood swing set. He squeezes through the clubhouse entrance and sits next to me with his back against the wooden slats. Gathering me on his lap, his chest heaves with each breath. I look at his face and examine him closely.
My heart flutters.
“Ssh. It’s going to be okay. I’m here,” he coos.
I’ve longed for this moment.
He opens his arms, beckoning me to move closer to him. I scoot over. Cole slings his arm over my shoulder and holds me. I lay my head against his chest and close my eyes. He’s holding me! I can’t believe he’s actually holding me.
I wished for this. Dreamt of it. For days. Nights. Years. Here I am in his strong arms, touching him. Breathing in his clean spicy scent.
“You know you can talk to me.”
I used to be able to talk to him. I haven’t talked to him about anything that really matters in over a year. Besides, I don’t want to talk. I want to touch. To explore him. Run my hands over the curves of his muscles.
My chest tightens with these thoughts. I don’t dare move my hands. I’m afraid if I do, he’ll pull away and leave. My moment will be gone forever.
I meet his stare again and wonder if he could read the thoughts racing through my mind. I can’t tell. I have no idea what he’s thinking, but the charge in the air between us is thick. Heavy.
His lips inch toward mine. OMG! I hold my breath. Ohmygod, ohmygod! Is this really happening?
He stops. Hesitates. NO!!!
I don’t know how to get his lips back where they were a second ago. I'll lose my mind if he doesn't kiss me. Right now!
My heart pounds harder than a kick drum. I stare into his heavy lidded eyes. Smoldering blue eyes framed by the longest, thickest lashes I've ever seen. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Literally, the man of my dreams. At least since he kissed me on the cheek for my twelfth birthday.
Everything about him is perfect; the way he looks, the way he moves, the way he tells a joke. And the hot-as-fuck way his eyes seduce me. Right now, I’m thinking impure thoughts of him, and those eyes are my inspiration.
His warm breath tickles my lips. I will him to inch forward, but he doesn't. His thumbs brush away the traces of my salty tears, before he cups my face in his rough hands.
Kiss me! I silently scream. I'm tired of forcing myself to ignore my feelings and pretend they aren’t there. I don't want to any longer. I clasp my hands at the base of his neck and lean into him, trembling.
He stares into my eyes. The look on his face . . . it’s tender and full of surprise. He acts as if he sees me for the first time.
“You’re so . . . beautiful,” he says, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs.
Our lips meet.
This is so happening!
His mouth is every bit as soft and inviting as I imagined. A loud whirring sounds in the air around us. I’m not sure if it’s the wind whipping or the excess blood shooting through my veins.
His strong hands move down my back and pull me close, press my body against his. I clench his shirt tight. So tight my fingers lose feeling. Warmth bred of need and desire radiates between us.
I need him closer.
He deepens the kiss as he guides me down to the wood slated floor. The kiss turns passionate. Demanding. My life went from shit to perfection in a heartbeat.
I can’t believe I'm lying beneath Cole Andrews! If a bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky and strikes me dead, I’ll die happy. He's on top of me, blanketing me. Sheltering me. I close my eyes and savor each touch.
I knew he liked me! No matter what anyone else said, especially my know-it-all brother. I waited a long time for this moment. Cole’s hungry mouth breaks from mine only to take a breath before reclaiming my lips. Hard.
His hand slides up the side of my leg, over my clothes to my stomach, then up to my breast.
“Oh, God, yes!” I cry.
My back arches to his touch. Who cares that we’re in my back yard and my father or brother can come out at any moment? Who cares if the world sees? This is better than my wildest fantasies and I don't want it to stop. Ever.
His tongue tangos with mine in a sexy dance of dominance. I’m dizzy, breathless, as I enjoy the intense pleasure of his mouth and hands. It's a while before Cole pulls away, but when he does, it’s like someone slashed me with the jagged edge of a broken glass bottle.
I grab his shoulders and pull him back to stop the free fall I’m in. He gives in easily. We’re right back where we were a moment ago. In lock step. I lift the hem of his shirt. Again he pulls away.
With closed eyes and heavy breathing he shakes his head. I don’t know why he's resisting. He wants me.
He has to know I want this. I want him, too.
Cole pushes himself up to a sitting position and helps me onto his lap. His hands move to my head as he searches my face. He doesn’t speak, but flames burn in his eyes. He pulls me against his chest, cradles me, like I’m something dear and precious to him. I hear the quickened pace of his heart.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
After a few breaths, he glances down, meets my eyes. Fire shines in his. I shift on his legs, and turn my body to face him. Straddling his lap, I lean in to kiss him once again. His hands run across my back as our tongues twist and twirl together. His hands drop to my thighs, moving up and down my legs.
"Cole," I whisper.
"Oh, God, Sam." His voice is low. Raw. "I wanted to kiss you for so
long."
"Then why didn’t you?”
"Tyler."
Why’d I ask?
“He’s going to go ape shit. You’re his little sister.”
“And you’re his best friend. He’ll get over it He’ll probably even be happy.”
I lean in again. I want more. Being in Cole’s arms makes the world right. It pushes my problems away. I forget about seeing my father kiss his secretary when I stopped by his office earlier today. I push seeing my ex-boyfriend kiss a guy less than an hour ago from my mind. Turns out I was his fucking beard. Only he never bothered to tell me.
“No.” He closes his eyes and rubs the back of his neck. “He won’t. This is wrong.”
“Forget Tyler.” I lean in again. He allows our lips to come together once more, but he’s hesitant and keeps this kiss a lot more controlled than the previous ones. Still, I feel it in my chest. In my belly. Between my legs. Cole's hands move up to my face again as he leans his forehead against mine.
"We need to stop." He whispers.
"No we don’t." My lips meet the warm skin of his neck. This is the only thing going right today.
I hear the sexiest sound ever leave his mouth. Sort of a moan, sort of a growl. It encourages me to keep up my oral assault.
"Samantha, please. We can't do this. We have to talk."
I ignore him and find a strong dose of courage. I bring my hand down in his lap. What do I have to lose? My dignity? It’s already gone. I place my hand there and squeeze. I can tell from the groan deep in his throat and the look of ecstasy on his face, he likes it.
“We can do whatever we want,” I whisper.
He shuts his eyes and takes a breath before grabbing my hands and entwining our fingers so I can't touch him. "You have to stop.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Please. If you only knew how long I’ve wanted you. Fuck!” He yells. The unexpected sound startles me. "Samantha. Something's wrong."
"A lot’s wrong. But I don't want to talk about it. I thought that was clear."
A strangled sound comes out of his mouth, but he doesn't release my hands. "You’re not okay are you?"
I let out a frustrated sigh. "Better now."
He smooths my hair, "Doug do something?"
I whimper. An actual pathetic fucking sound comes out of my mouth when I hear my ex’s name. I’m afraid if I tell Cole what happened he’ll never look at me again the way he is right now.
“Come on,” he says dipping his head so that he could lock his eyes on mine. “You know you can tell me anything.”
I used to know that. I used to tell him all the silly details of my life just as an excuse to talk to him.
“Did he hurt you?”
“Depends on your definition of hurt.”
Every muscle of Cole’s hard body tenses. He sits straighter, holds me tighter. “I swear, if he laid a finger on you, I’ll kill him. Do I need to go fuck him up?” His voice is menacing.
I shake my head. “No. I just want to forget him.”
“Please, Sammie, tell me what he did?”
I shake my head. “I’d rather just disappear."
He lifts my chin with his index finger so I meet his stern eyes. "Don't. Ever. Say. That.”
“Why? It’s not like anyone will even notice.”
“A lot of people would notice. I’d notice. Now, tell me what happened. Maybe I can help.”
I shake my head.
“C’mon, Sam. Let me be here for you.”
I take a deep breath and lean my head on Cole’s shoulder. He’s never held me like this and I don’t know if telling him will help keep him in place or send him running off. It’s been a long time since he’s taken an interest in me. He’s been distant. Especially lately. The older I get, the more he seems to ignore me.
"Everything is so fucked up. Apparently Doug’s gay.” I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hands. “Which if he told me or I had a clue, it would be fine. But he didn’t. He used me, that fucker. I was just a diversion. Until he was ready to “come out.””
“When did he come out?”
“Tonight. At the bonfire by the lake. He kissed his best friend Marcus in front of everyone. I was only a few feet away. He didn’t even bother to warn me. Everyone saw, and this bitch Callie jumped all over it. She started going off on how he only asked me out because I’m so ugly I look like a guy. And that even another guy is a better fuck than me. I’m the laughing stock of the whole town.”
“You know none of that’s true, right?” Cole forces a smile which only makes me feel worse. “She’s only saying that because she’s jealous that you’re so much prettier than her.”
He strokes my back as the tears fall and my body shakes with sobs I’ve been fighting to keep in all day. He thinks I’m crying over stupid Doug and Callie. That’s fine. I can’t tell Cole about my father. Not before I confront him. I don’t know what it will do to my mother if she finds out.
“Your words are meaningless. You don’t even know what she looks like.”
“Doesn’t matter. I know you and how beautiful you are. Any girl trash talking you like that is jealous.”
I can’t bring myself to speak. I want to believe him, but this is Cole Andrews. Even though we just kissed with desperation, I can’t believe he thinks I’m pretty, let alone beautiful. I shake my head.
“For the record, the guy is a dick. I don’t know what you saw in him anyway.” Cole shakes his head. “I never liked him.”
“Wish you would’ve told me a few months ago. I didn’t even think you noticed I was with him.”
“Of course I noticed. I had to stop Tyler from kicking his ass. Several times.”
That’s why he noticed. Because of my brother. Not because he was jealous or gives a fuck about me.
Cole sighs and rubs the back of his neck. “That didn’t come out right.” He brushes a stray strand of hair out of my eyes. “What can I do?”
“Tell me how the hell I’m supposed to show my face around here. I’m humiliated."
"You have no reason to be, He’s the one—”
“You don’t understand. It’s not him. It’s the Callie bullshit. On top of all that, no one ever asks me out because of Tyler, and now I find out the only reason Doug did is because he never wanted me. He’s fucking gay.”
“Samantha, look at me."
Cole crooks his finger under my chin and lifts it for me to meet his stare. I don’t. I can’t bear to look at him. Why did I share one of the worst moments of my life with the guy I most want to hide it from?
“Forget I said anything.”
"I can’t. Sammie, listen, I’m not the best person to talk to about this, because I’m biased.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
He lets out a long breath. “It means, all I can think about is going after Doug, because he hurt you, and any guy that hurts you deserves to have the shit kicked out him. But more than beating the shit out of him, I want to lay you down again and kiss you. And the way you’re looking at me right now, if I do that, I don’t know that I have enough control to stop myself.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone.”
Tears prickle the back of my eyes because I can’t think of one thing better than the scenario he just laid out and yet he’s acting like everything he just said is bad.
“Then kiss me. Touch me. I’m yours.”
He shakes his head. “Sam—"
“Please, Cole.” I bite my lip. “I want you to be my first.”
I recognize that if he rejects me I’ll never be able to face him again. On the other hand, this is a once in a lifetime chance, and if I don’t lay it out there I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
His eyes drop. I’m losing him.
“You’re the perfect person to get it over with. I trust that you won’t hurt me. I mean in a kinky psycho sort of way, and I know you won’t humiliate me in front of the whole
town.”
“Sam.” His voice is low, sad, and there’s a slight shake to his head. “This shouldn’t be something you do because you want to get it over with.”
“Don’t.” I sniffle.
“It wouldn’t be right—”
“Don’t you dare sit there and tell me how you’re letting me down for my own good.”
“You don’t understand. It wouldn’t—”
“Come on, Cole. I’m the only fucking virgin I know. Probably the only one my age on the fucking planet. I need to know that there’s some guy in the world that wants me like that.”
“Trust me, there are a lot of guys that want you like that.”
“I get it.” I sniffle. “You’re just not one of them.” I pull out of his arms and scoot off his lap.
“Sammie, Sweetheart. You’re only seventeen.”
“Yes, but I’m about to turn eighteen, and I’m leaving for college in less than two months. I can think and act for myself and if I want to have sex, I can.”
“Yes, but us having sex right now would be wrong. No matter how much I want you.”
"Why?" I meet his still stormy eyes.
He strokes the side of my face. “Because you’re upset and hurt. And so vulnerable.” There’s a deep, guttural sound to his voice.
"Whatever.”
“Sam, you’re rebounding. Anything you do right now is aimed at hurting Doug.” He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I don’t want to be the guy you have sex with to get it over with or because your ex is a douche.” Something heavy weighs in the air. It’s as if he wants to say more. He doesn’t. He leaves it right there.
He should only know this isn’t just aimed at hurting my ex. I want to hurt all the men in my life. Doug for being a shit. My father for being a lying cheat. My brother for being an overbearing jackass.
Most of all I want to do this right now because I want Cole. I’ve always wanted Cole and if his words and kisses mean anything, I want Cole to get a taste of what he’s missing. Of what we could have.
“And there’s Tyler.”
“There’s always Tyler. He’s always there, scaring all the guys away. Or are you going to tell me your gay, too?”
