by T. C. Clark
After she placed the message, she took the SIM card and battery out of the phone and tossed them into the ocean. She needed to go back to her room and get some rest. She’d seen Sandy earlier. He was busy going through the information Dmitri sent them. She needed time to decompress before she helped him with that.
She checked on Nancy again. She looked like she was healing. Ghost was drawing on the cot next to her. He sent Lily a mock salute. She smiled at him and went back to her room.
Her room was the size of a closet. It had a dingy cot and one wooden chair. She shared a bathroom that connected to Sandy’s room. She peaked inside of his room. He’d already laid out his gear. She wondered how long he would work. She hoped it would be for a while.
Lily could feel herself losing control as memories from the past threatened to overwhelm her. Pain, there was so much pain in her mind. She pulled out her medication. She needed to stop relying on these so much, but nothing else helped. She forced herself to breathe deeply.
She could feel another panic attack starting. Her hands were too shaky and her head was starting to throb. She took one pill and removed her clothes. She would take a cold shower and try to calm herself down.
She didn’t want Sandy seeing her like this. She needed time alone. She put her stuff in the bathroom, locked both doors, and started the water. As soon as she stepped inside of the shower, the tears started to fall. She fell to her knees and gave herself up to the agony ripping through her brain.
* * *
Sandy finished going over his plan with the two fishermen that were escorting them to Turkey. He smiled. The men were only referred to as the fishermen because they refused to reveal their real names.
All they could do was wait now. The real work would start once they got to Siberia. His eyes scanned the calm ocean. He hated being trapped on a boat like this. At least they had a healthy cache of weapons on board.
He’d already taken some of the weapons to their rooms, and Ghost had some stashed around the boat as well. He took a deep breath and went to check on Ghost and Nancy. He was happy they were able to get the kid out of there. He wondered what his life would have been like if someone had fought to protect him.
“If you’re looking for the Librarian, I think she was going to shower and rest for a bit,” Ghost whispered when he saw him standing at the door.
“Okay, thanks for helping me out here.”
“Are you sure about this? The Librarian can handle herself, and if you do this I don’t think she will ever forgive you. From what I heard, the Magician really fucked her on their last mission. He left her alone for weeks with a group of viscous men. She didn’t have any backup or really any way to defend herself. It’s no telling what happened to her. She deserves a chance to kill that guy.”
Sandy was quiet for a moment. He understood what Ghost was saying, but he still couldn’t do it. “I know you’re right, but I can’t risk her life. This mission is starting to turn into a complicated shit show. I have a feeling that anyone who gets involved isn’t going to walk away from it. I can’t watch her die. I won’t let that happen.”
“Okay, you’re the boss. I’ll handle it once we get to Turkey.”
Sandy nodded. He walked back to his room. He wanted to talk to Lily. He needed to learn more about the Magician. They’d been together for over a year now. She knew everything about him. Yet every time he brought the Magician up, she shut him out.
He wondered how he could get her to open up and talk to him. Once he got to his room, he relaxed. He could hear the shower running. Lily must be washing up. He opened his pack and pulled out a couple of protein bars.
What they needed now was sleep and food. He pulled out a third bar for Lily; he needed to make sure she ate. He tried to open the bathroom door and was surprised to find it locked.
Maybe Lily wanted some space. They had time right now, so he would give her that. He would get his answers eventually. He started to move away from the door when he caught the faint sounds of crying. He put his ear to it and tensed when he heard Lily.
He banged on the door and waited for her to respond. “Open up, Lily!” he yelled. When she didn’t answer, he reared back and threw his shoulder into the door. The rusty lock broke easily.
He opened the door and stopped. Lily was sitting against the far wall of the shower. She was naked and sobbing. Her short black hair was plastered against her face and her caramel skin was bright red from the force of the water.
He checked her room to make sure no one was in there. She was hurting, and he was doing recon work. He shook his head. He’d known whatever secrets she had were dark, but he’d never expected this.
He reached inside and pulled her out. She took deep, wrenching breaths as she tried to pull herself together. He picked her up and carried her back to his bed. He wrapped a towel around them both and held her shaking body in his arms.
He didn’t say anything. There were no words that would make this right. She needed comfort, not platitudes or questions. They stayed like that for almost an hour. She cried into his chest.
It was the first time he’d ever seen her tears, and she’d been shot in front of him before. His blue eyes narrowed over her head. He would kill the Magician no matter what it took.
He’d always thought he wasn’t an emotional man. He’d never really connected with anyone but Lily. She meant something to him. The short time he’d spent with her had changed the direction of his life.
“I need my medicine,” Lily whispered. She was starting to calm down. He could feel the change in her body as she relaxed. She rubbed his arm as she spoke as if to make him feel better. Her touch finally broke through to his brain.
“What?” Sandy leaned closer to hear her words.
“They are in the inside pocket of my bag,” she said. Her teeth started to chatter and he cursed. He stood up and carried her back into her room. When he got there, he put her down. He opened her bag and handed her the medicine bottle.
He found her water bottle at the foot of her bed and watched as she swallowed a pill. He turned away and gathered some warm clothes. While she stood still, he dried, and dressed her.
By the time he’d taken her back to his bed, she was back to her normal self. “What’s your name?” she asked, her dark eyes curious. She was brushing her hair. She had a silk wrap in her lap. He’d watched her do this many times.
“You know my name,” he answered, his eyes following the movement of her hands.
“No, I want to know your real name.” Lily put down the brush and stared at him.
“Why?”
“You don’t trust me enough to tell me,” she said sadly.
“It’s Ivan Orlov, but that doesn’t matter and you know it. I go by Sandy. I like that name. Ivan is the name they gave me at that shit hole where I grew up and it brings back bad memories.”
“My name’s not really Lily. It’s Lillian Denton. I like Lily, though. I started going by it when I was in the military. I wanted to know your real name before it’s too late.”
“Lily…” He began to speak but stopped when Lily held up a hand. She wrapped her hair and put down her brush. She climbed onto his lap and snuggled into his chest. His enormous arms wrapped around her and pulled her close.
“You know him as the Magician, but I knew him as Claude Thomas, and he was the first person I ever loved.” She paused when Sandy’s arms tightened around her. “I trusted him even though everything inside me told me I shouldn’t. We went on missions together and I thought that even though we weren’t perfect, it could work. But I knew something was going on. He was spending too much time with the Chemist. On our last mission, we were hired by a group to infiltrate and destroy a band of rebels in a capital city. He set me up and stranded me there. I think he used my capture as a distraction, and the men there they… liked me.” She paused and took a deep breath. He had a feeling she didn’t want to lose control again. “They hurt me, Sandy, in all the ways men can hurt women. I was broken and wish
ing for death when Dmitri broke into the house and killed all of them. He rescued me and forced me to stay alive. He was the reason I got home.”
“He wasn’t in the Sanctuary then.”
“No, he was still an assassin for the Red Club at the time. They’d been bragging about me being tied up in their basement. They were really explicit about what they’d done and Dmitri took offense.”
“That explains why you two are so close. I’m sorry, Lily. If I could go back and protect you, I would.”
“I know, Sandy. That time changed me a lot. Do you know why I stopped taking active missions?”
“I always thought it was because something happened to you, but I wasn’t sure,” he admitted.
“It was because I started to enjoy killing. I was becoming like everyone I hated. I wanted to see people hurting. I needed to know that other people were weaker than me. I knew I needed to fix my mind before it was too late. So I benched myself. I started seeing a therapist, and obviously I lied to her about what I did for a living, but she got the gist of my issues. She gave me some medicine and I tried to move on. It was easier for me when I thought he was dead. I can’t let him get away. I wish I could tell you I was going after to him to save the world, but I can’t. I’m not really a hero. I just need to know he doesn’t exist in this world anymore.”
“The Magician will die. I promise this to you. Your crying in the shower…” He tried to think of the right words. He needed to know she was okay.
“I think it was a mixture of adrenaline and the realization that he was still alive. According to my therapist, I have some form of PTSD. I kept thinking of those men hurting Nancy the way I was hurt, and it killed me. I’m okay, Sandy. I just needed to let it out, and the medicine does help when things get really dark. I’m in control now. I don’t want to fuck anything up because of my emotions, but I need to do this, Sandy.”
“You are mine, and I wasn’t there then, but I’m here now and I’m not like him. I will protect what’s mine. I’m not a hero, either, Lily. I’ve done things…bad things to good people before I knew what right and wrong was. For a long time all I could see was my duty to Russia, and I thought that was everything. I’m not like you. I don’t connect with people. You are everything I have now. I have no country, no Sanctuary, you are it.”
“I know. You are mine, too. I don’t know how this happened or why we work. But there’s more I need to tell you because I realized earlier that for however long we have left I do want a future with you. I need you to know everything.” He braced himself for her following words. He wished he could take away all of the bad things that happened to her. But if he couldn’t, he would kill everyone responsible. First he would deal with the Magician, and then he would look into that group that hurt her.
“I can’t have children. I was sterilized when I was eighteen. My mother’s mental illness was horrific. I won’t risk it passing down the line.”
“You think I want kids? Have you met me? I wouldn’t even know what to do with them. These hands are covered in blood. I don’t even deserve you. But I need you, and if we grow old together, that would be the best thing I ever did.”
She looked at him for a long time. Her eyes were still raw from crying, but he saw what he needed in her eyes. No matter what happened, Lily loved him. She may not know it, hell, to be honest, neither did he. No one had ever loved him before. That was why he knew whatever emotion he was witnessing was genuine.
What was love? Did it mean wanting someone to be happy no matter the cost to yourself? Did it make you weak and unsure of what life would be like on the other side once that love was gone? He didn’t know the answer.
Lily wanted to say something else, but Sandy kissed her into silence. They kissed until Lily fell into an exhausted sleep. She wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. He kissed the top of her head and whispered to her in Russian. He kept her close to him through the night. His mind trapped his body in a state that didn’t allow for sleep.
He kept thinking about the things Lily had told him. She thought he would be worried about her not being able to have kids. Fuck that, he just wanted her to be okay. His childhood had been awful, but he’d always found solace in his ability to shut off his emotions. He couldn’t do that now.
A few months ago, he’d been contemplating retirement. He’d been working his way up to asking Lily to join him when all hell broke loose. Obstacle after obstacle appeared, and now here they were. Two assassins going after someone with an army behind them was stupid. They didn’t have time to properly prepare. Even now, they were on an ocean, unable to read any updates from Dmitri, and they didn’t know what awaited them on the other side of the sea.
His eyes grew cold in the darkness of the room. He was a man who could do anything. He could make the impossible, possible. Once Lily and Nancy were safe, he would reset his emotions again and become the cold blooded killer he was in his youth.
The monster was still there waiting just below the surface. It had taken years of self-discipline to put it down. He knew once he returned to the man he was before, there would be no going back. None of that mattered anymore. He would find a way to protect what was his, no matter the cost.
* * *
A couple of days later….
Sandy was watching her again. Ever since the night he’d found her crying in the shower, he’d been treating her as if she was made of glass. At first she’d found his attitude amusing. People who knew her as the Librarian never treated her like a damsel. She had a bad feeling everything she’d told him had changed things between them.
Every day he asked her how she was and went out of his way to make sure she was comfortable. Twice he’d tried to make her take a nap, earning her indulgent smiles from the two fisherman aboard.
Luckily, she had Nancy to distract her. The young girl was clearly traumatized about what she’d seen, but luckily she hadn’t been badly hurt. Surprisingly, the Magician had been her caretaker during the attack. He’d kept Nancy well away from the others. Now that she was out of imminent danger, the girl was turning into a chatterbox.
She fired question after question to all of them. Ghost tried to help, but even he didn’t have the energy to deal with the ten-year-old. So Nancy had become Lily’s shadow. Where ever she went, the little girl was right behind her.
“But why can’t I come with you?” Nancy asked again with her hands on her narrow hips.
“Because I said so.” Lily didn’t even look up from the map. She knew that wouldn’t discourage her.
“You are going after the men who…” Nancy’s words trailed off. When Lily finally looked up, she saw how much she was struggling not to cry.
They were lucky the Benefactor had raised her to be so tough. She’d clearly had some sort of training because the little girl closed her eyes, took some deep breaths, and pulled herself together.
When she opened them, Lily reached out and pulled her into a hug. She held her tightly. Sometimes life sucked for a kid; both Lily and Sandy could attest to that.
“Yes I am,” she admitted.
“They are going to hurt you,” Nancy whispered against her chest.
“No. I’m going to hurt them.” Lily didn’t know how to explain why she needed to leave.
“Will you come back and get me after? I want to stay with you,” the little girl pleaded.
“Nancy…”
“Please? I want to stay with you. I don’t want to be alone!” she wailed.
Lily’s arms tightened around her and she caught Sandy’s eyes. She really had no idea where the Forecaster was sending Nancy after all of this was over. She knew it would be a safe place. She wished she could promise her that she would be back, but she didn’t know what the future would be for them.
Lily picked the little girl up and walked to the small window overlooking the water. “I promise I’ll come back for you, but I have to do this first. I owe this to your dad and everyone else those men hurt. I need you to trust me.”
&nbs
p; Nancy didn’t speak but she nodded into her chest. Lily spent the rest of the day calming her down. When Ghost came in to take her away to eat, Lily went to find Sandy. He put the paper down when she walked up and held out an arm. She sat down on his lap and ran her hand through his hair.
“We need to talk about what happens when we get to Turkey.” Lily kept her voice firm. He’d been nicely sidestepping the issue every time she mentioned it. She had the makings of a plan, but she didn’t want to reveal it until he’d told her what he was thinking.
She’d asked Ghost, but the man was as stubborn as Sandy. Also, he clearly wasn’t into plans. Ghost relied on luck and timing; he kept saying he had the luck of the Irish on his side or other similar bullshit.
Sandy sat back. He’d been quiet for the last few days, and she was getting sick of it. She knew it must have been weird to see her so vulnerable. But he needed to get over it.
“What do you want to know?”
“Everything, Sandy. I know I was a bit of a mess a few days ago, but I’m okay now. You keep talking to Ghost about what happens next, and I think you’re purposely leaving me out. I want to know why.”
At first Sandy didn’t say anything. His laser sharp blue eyes just watched her closely. His large hand moved over her back and he sighed. “I know how strong you are. I’ve never doubted that. I haven’t been keeping you out of this on purpose. I just wanted to give you some time to relax. I know as much as you do when it comes to the plan. I’ve been looking at information on the Magician and I didn’t know if you were ready to do that.”
“Sandy, I told you about what happened because I thought you needed to know what was going on. Now I’m starting to believe I should have kept my mouth shut. I don’t want you to treat me differently.”
