by Jessica Joy
I am in control. I am choosing this. This moment, this night, this is me taking control back, taking my life back.
I take a steadying breath, trying to get my panicked heart back under control. I’m pulled back to the present when I feel myself being settled gently onto the mattress, my head resting on the soft pillows. I let myself be adjusted until I feel Sawyer’s heat settle over me again. I try to force my mind to stay on what is happening, stay with Sawyer.
I want this. I want him. I choose this.
My body knows what he is doing while my mind struggles to catch up. I feel the soft kisses he is placing on my skin, can feel his fingers tracing my curves, can hear him saying things against my skin but my distracted mind can’t seem to register the words. My body is responding to him, I can feel a tingling ache begin between my thighs, a flush on my skin, a tingling pull as my nipples pebble under his fingers. At one point I feel my hips being lifted but I can’t seem to sort out why, my mind still lost in the fog of that horrific night. With everything inside me I fight the panic, fight to keep the irrational anxiety at bay.
I am snapped back into the moment when I feel Sawyer give one long, slow lick against my core. My mind zeros in on the here and now and the amazing man with his face between my thighs. Sawyer has one hand against my lower belly, pressing down just enough to keep my hips in place and his other is tracing distracting circles against my inner thigh as he devours me with long luxurious swipes of his tongue.
“Mmm, there you are Babydoll,” he murmurs against my flesh and I can feel his smile and the vibrations of his voice rip a moan from deep in my throat in response. He flicks his tongue against my clit then swirls around it and I swear I see stars. With each flick and drag of his tongue my world narrows to only this moment, only him, and this heat and need between us.
The delicious slide of his tongue drives me absolutely insane as the beginnings of an orgasm build, starting in my extremities and working its way inward. My legs start to shake, my hands flying to his hair, holding him exactly where I need him. His strong arms wrap around my hips, holding me still as he devours me. Sawyer closes his lips around my clit and hums and my fingers flex against his scalp, warring between pushing him away and pulling him closer, the sensations too much to handle. That little bit of vibration draws the slowly building orgasm creeping up my extremities rocketing toward my center and exploding out again as every muscle in my body contracts and I scream incoherent sounds of ecstasy to the ceiling.
This wonderful, teasing man continues to lick and suck me as I ride wave after wave of pleasure. My body convulses around him until at last I come down from my high, falling back against the mattress in a blissful oblivion. Sawyer continues to press soft open-mouthed kisses along my center and inner thighs as my body twitches and shudders with aftershocks. Unable to form a coherent thought, much less move, I lay there on the bed whimpering and sighing at his sweet ministrations, all thoughts of my panic vanished.
So that's what all the fuss is about. I never understood why women raved about receiving oral before, in my experience, it’s awkward and always left me feeling unsatisfied. Not to mention the fact David always made such a deal about what a chore it was for him. But this? This right here, is life changing. Life affirming. Colors seem brighter, birds sing in the trees, the whole nine yards. If Sawyer can make me feel like this with just his tongue, I seriously don’t know if I will survive that monster cock he’s hiding in his jeans.
When the last of the aftershocks pass, Sawyer kisses his way up my body, stopping to nuzzle between my breasts and drawing a moan from me at the feel of his beard rasping along my sensitive skin. Unable to take his teasing any longer, I thread my fingers into his hair again and give a little tug, trying to draw him further up my body once again.
“Impatient? Good things come to those who wait, Tess,” he admonishes, his lips finding my left breast and teasing around the tight bud of my nipple. He studiously avoids connecting with the aching peak but the graze of his lips and heat of his breath stoke my need for him again much sooner than I would have thought possible. Hands still gripping his hair, I arch into him, trying to gain any contact, any friction I can but damn him and his ridiculous muscles hovering over me, giving me nothing.
“Gonna have to call you spider monkey if you keep that up Tess,” he chuckles, moving over to my right breast and giving it the same teasing torture.
“I’ll say it again, you are doing an awful lot of talking for someone who still has his boxers on,” I all but growl as I try to push his boxers down with my feet. Hoping my efforts to finally undress him will distract him, I wrap my arms more tightly around his shoulders and press closer, demanding some goddamn contact on my straining nipples before I die of the need to feel him.
“Oh, that’s how it’s gonna be?” he laughs, I can’t help but whimper as he stands. Propping up on my elbows, I watch through heavy lidded eyes as Sawyer palms himself through his boxers. He strokes himself slowly as he stares back down at me, his gaze like a brand as it traces over every inch of me. I know I should be cowering away or attempting to hide from his frank perusal, but the pulsing pleasure is still coursing through my system, leaving me relaxed and open. After another agonizing moment of his perusal, his eyes finally meet mine, the heat in his liquid gaze setting me ablaze. In my periphery I see his thumbs hook into the waistband of his boxers and god help me I want to look. The devil man in front of me quirks an eyebrow in challenge, daring me to look or hold his gaze.
Two can play at that game.
Without breaking eye contact I lift my hands to my breasts and begin massaging them, plucking at my nipples. His eyes darken and I quirk an eyebrow in response, feeling like the cat that got the cream.
Holding my gaze, unwilling to relent, Sawyer slowly pushes his tight boxer briefs down and kicks them aside. He takes the foil packet between his teeth and tears it open, daring me to look away as he rolls it over his considerable length. We’re deadlocked now, Sawyer standing at the edge of the bed, his hand leisurely stroking his cock and me caressing my breasts, both of us dying to look at what the other is doing but neither willing to lose this unexpected battle of wills. I have one more card to play though.
With what I hope is a sexy smirk, I let my legs fall open, my knees falling to the sides until I am fully open to him. Sawyer groans and stumbles forward the half step until he’s leaning against the bed between my spread legs, still meeting my gaze but I can see the effort in the crease of his brow. Knowing I need to step up my game if I want to come out on top, I slide one hand from my breast and down my stomach. Sawyer’s eyes grow pained and he lets out a feral growl. My hand is barely past my navel when he bites out a curse and falls forward, brushing my hands out of the way and crushing his lips to mine, his kiss rough and all consuming. His hips grind against me again, his length gliding along my center, the swollen head hitting my clit.
“Need you Babydoll. So fuckin’ wet. So ready for me,” he growls against my lips as he grinds his cock against my clit again. The pressure causes me to throw my head back against the mattress, moaning his name.
“Sawyer. Please.”
He brings one hand to the side of my neck, cradling me and guiding me up to look at him. When our gazes lock his eyes are dark, burning with need as he says, “Need your eyes Tess.”
His eyes soften as he slowly presses in. My mind shuts down the moment I feel the pressure, the delicious burn and stretch of him filling me. He pulls back just a fraction before sinking in further, his gaze never leaving mine. He repeats the move two more times until he sinks to the hilt. We both groan as he settles, holding still letting me adjust to him. The feeling is overwhelming, so deliciously full and all I can think is how badly I need to feel him, for him to move. My breaths becoming ragged, I rock my hips up into him, kissing his neck as I cling to him trying to urge him to move.
Giving me what my body is begging for, he moves at a tortuously slow pace. The slow drag of his skin on mine, him filling
me so completely and then retreating is almost more than I can handle. I’m a whimpering mess as I claw at his back begging him for more, harder, faster, anything. This feeling is so completely foreign, so overwhelming and unlike anything I have ever experienced before.
I can feel him trying to hold on to his restraint and control, but I’m having none of that. Rolling my hips up to meet his thrusts and drag my teeth along his neck and he finally snaps. Hiking one of my knees over his arm he slams into me, ripping another cry from me. Faster than I could have expected, I feel another orgasm rapidly building and I couldn’t hold it back if I tried. Wrapping my free leg around his hips, I let go as another wave crashes over me and I bite down on his shoulder. He slams into me one last time and buries his head in my neck, groaning my name against my skin as he lets his own orgasm take over.
I start to come back into myself when Sawyer collapses down on top of me, the delicious weight of him over me causing a strange warming in my chest. The heat of his breath on my neck as he places small kisses along my shoulder makes my skin tingle and prick with awareness as we both attempt to catch our breath. With him still deep inside me, I can feel his cock twitching with the aftershocks of his release. I can’t help but run my hands over his back, down his arms, needing the contact for reasons I’m not ready to think about.
As the moment extends, our breathing returns to normal, dark thoughts start tugging at the edges of my consciousness. The rough streak in him… while I was with him and loving it in the moment, the unexpected memory that it triggered has left me feeling raw and exposed, and more than a little terrified.
After years of living under David’s thumb, being treated as nothing more than his plaything, will I ever be able to be free of him? No matter how many miles are between me and that nightmare, it seems like I will never be able to forget. The scars are too deep, the hurt still too close to my soul. I know Sawyer is not David, so not like David… I know he is different, and he would never hurt me, but can I really take that chance? As the darkness threatens to overtake me, I let my hands drop from his back to the bed, touching him no longer keeping the evil at bay.
Without a word, and without meeting my gaze, he pulls out and climbs off the bed, heading to my bathroom presumably to clean up after himself. As soon as the door latches I sit up, pulling the sheet around me, drawing my knees up to my chest. Do I ask him to stay tonight? Do I even want him to stay? Would he even stay if I asked? He’s gotten what he’s been chasing, maybe he’ll just ghost me and save me the trouble.
My traitorous heart screams to have him stay, and I can’t help the nagging feeling that if he did, it would be for more than just tonight. My brain on the other hand just can’t let go of the dark memory his rough handling brought forward. I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t want to lose him and whatever we have been building toward these last few weeks. I need to sort through everything and try to figure out why all that I thought I had left behind has reared its ugly head again tonight. I refuse to let the demons of my past fuck with my future. Even if that future doesn’t include the man who just made me see stars.
Sawyer comes back out a few moments later and goes straight to the pile of his clothes next to the bed. I can’t seem to do anything but sit there and watch. I want to reach out to him, to ask him to stay, but I can’t find my voice to ask. Logic has won out tonight. He leans down and brushes a soft kiss against my lips.
Pulling back to meet my gaze he asks, “See you tomorrow?”
God, please don’t see the fear and confusion on my face and think it’s for you. Please.
“Tomorrow?” I ask lamely, pulling the sheet tighter to my nudity.
“Yeah. Tomorrow afternoon,” he says, his voice is more unsteady than I have heard from him previously. “King has me on Club business in the morning and I don’t want to wake Evan when I gotta wake up. I’ll catch ya once I wrap that up though,” he seems unconvinced of his own statements.
I guess he really is done. So much for that.
Unable to find my voice, all I can do is offer him a small smile and nod my assent. I want nothing more than to see him tomorrow. Hell, I want him to just come back to bed right NOW, but he clearly has other plans that involve getting out of here as quickly as humanly possible. He shoots me a devastating smile and presses a soft kiss to my forehead before turning away from the bed, grabbing his Cut, and walking out of the room without looking back.
I so badly want to chase after him and am just about to when I hear the front door close. He’s gone. Maybe he didn’t feel that same intense connection as I did. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe me having that moment and not asking him to stay was a relief for him.
If he really wanted to spend the night, he would have said something. Anything. Right? He didn’t even try to stay, just wanted to clean me off himself and get back to his solitude. Maybe this was just something to get out of his system, take a tumble with the new girl in town and then move on.
But… if he wanted to hit-it and quit-it, he wouldn’t have asked about tomorrow. Right?
Dear god I’m giving myself a headache. What the fuck is wrong with me. I either trust him or I don’t. Jesus girl, take control of yourself.
With a frustrated huff I go clean up and find some pajamas before settling in for the night. It’s so damn late and I have work in only a couple of hours. When I come out of the bathroom and start pulling on my tank and sleep shorts, I hear a loud crash from downstairs.
“What the fuck was that?!”
I head down the stairs to see where the noise came from and stop at Evan’s door, peeking inside his room to make sure he is still asleep. Seeing him still curled up with his little turtle Lovie and sleeping soundly, I smile to myself and go to turn back out of the room. I quietly latch the door to Evan’s room and rest my head against the jamb.
Mommy’s crazy, little man. Tomorrow, I can wait ‘til tomorrow. I’ll just talk to him like we agreed and get all this crap cleared up. I’m sure this is all just nerves all the way around.
I breathe a sigh of relief, now that I have a plan. As I push back from the door and turn to go back to the bedroom, a blinding pain explodes from the back of my skull and I’m on the ground, carpet smashed against my face. A boot steps into view and then another pain in my temple turns everything black.
Chapter 18
Sawyer
The next morning, I wake up to the sound of my cell phone screaming at me. Rolling over with an incoherent grumble, I slap at my nightstand trying to find the damn thing and shut it up.
What the fuck was I THINKING! Why the hell am I here with this damned phone instead of a soft Tess curled up against me. ‘I got business to do.’ Fucking shit man, what the hell was that!? You know you wanted to stay but noooo, you had to chicken shit out because you’re scared shitless you’re shriveled little Grinch heart might actually grow a couple sizes with this one. I need to make this up to her, I need to find a way to make this right.
The phone starts ringing again, clearly whoever it is needs me to answer because even my mother isn’t this insistent. I grab the phone and swipe to answer the call without looking at who’s calling.
“Sawyer? You up sugar?” Alice’s sickly-sweet accent drawls through the phone.
Aww shit, now I’m really gonna know the depth of my stupidity.
“What is it Alice?” I grumble, my voice more gravel than words with sleep still clinging to my senses.
“Are you still with Tessa Darlin’? She hasn’t shown up for her shift and she’s an hour late; that’s just not like her,” Alice says a note of worry in her tone. “If you’re holding my best waitress captive in that bedroom with your tomfoolery, I will tan your hide boy! Let the poor girl up and get her to work!” she scolds, though her tone is heavy with mock sternness. Alice wouldn’t hurt a fly.
“Naw, I’m still in bed. My bed you devil woman. I’ll get up and go check on her. Sorry Alice,” I say, scrubbing a hand down my face in an effort to wake up.
/> “You didn’t stay with her? Boy, I’m gonna have to teach you some proper manners. Tell her not to worry about today, Jasmine has her covered; no sweat. You go make up for yourself and take care of my girl now,” she says sweetly. Terrifying creature that woman, threatening to bite my head off one second and then telling me to be good to a woman the next.
“Got it Alice, I’ll call back in a bit,” I grunt before hanging up.
Whelp, cats out of the bag now. Ugh, I hope I can fix this before Roxy finds out.
I roll out of bed and stretch before tugging on my jeans and a black Henley. Stomping my feet into my boots I head out the door, dragging a hand through my sleep mussed hair.
I’m fuckin’ nervous to see her after last night. I should have stayed; I know I should have. I regretted leaving before I closed the front door, but I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve never done anything different and fuck if she didn’t make me feel amazing last night. I’ve never felt so connected, so attached to a woman. I know she’s a runner, I felt the tension in her as soon as I walked out of the bathroom, I could tell she was about to bolt. There was no winning either way.
If I stayed, I know I wouldn’t have been able to resist taking her at least once more before falling asleep holding her in my arms, sprawled across my chest. Something I have never wanted before but felt every part of me screaming to have it last night. If I had stayed, if I would have taken her again, she would have been gone before the light of day; the truth of someone getting close to her would send her running. I can’t let her run. If I’m honest, leaving last night felt just as bad as staying would’ve been. Who knows what was in her head once she was alone. Fuck, if I was there, I at least could have tried to find out. There’s a very good chance I’ve good and truly fucked this whole thing.
