“Only a little? A lot?”
He visibly braced himself, sitting up straight, meeting her gaze. “I am Risnarish. If you have ideas of moving in with me, a woman living with a man is not what’s usually done.”
“There are exceptions.”
“I’m not Kren or Nex or Jape. I’m not looking to cohabitate.” He softened, offering her a conciliatory smile. “You are wonderful, so don’t take this personally. Risnarish men and women live separately. I’m comfortable with that.”
“According to Notlin, you might be in danger of becoming the minority. Even she’s not happy with the status quo.”
“Elder Notlin?”
“She lives with Ilatar.”
Did she take too great of delight in his stunned countenance? Probably. “That’s—that’s not possible. Notlin is the head of the Assembly.”
“Ask her. It’s not a big secret.” When he continued to stare in shock, Selena sighed and sat back. “Look, it’s possible I’ve read more into our interactions than I should have. Or maybe I’m projecting what I’m feeling onto you. Or perhaps you don’t want a woman in your life, someone who complicates your plans. If any of that’s the case, I need to put distance between us for the rest of my stay. This is getting serious for me.”
Arga’s expression closed off, and he dropped his gaze so that he stared at the floor. Pain stabbed Selena in the chest and gut. Though her instinct was to bolt, she drew a deep breath before she stood and mustered an even tone.
“Okay, so I’ll see you at tomorrow’s explosives test.” Her head held high, she started away.
“Wait. Don’t go.”
She turned to him. The look on his face had changed yet again, becoming wretched. His shoulders slumped, and his ears drooped. He flapped a hand towards where the couch’s surface still bore an imprint of her ass.
“Sit. Please.”
She did so, noticing how loose and shaky her knees were. Which was stupid. Her reaction told her she wasn’t merely attracted to Arga. No, silly her, she’d was curious if more could come of it. She was downright infatuated.
When he failed to speak, leaving her to deal with the idiocy of the situation, Selena bit out, “You had something to say to me?”
“You’ve lost people who meant a lot to you. People you loved? Your parents, you said you lost them to that cult.”
She nodded and swallowed hard. After sixteen years, it continued to hurt that she’d meant so little to them.
“You’re the best gift that ever happened to us, sweet Selena.” A dim memory of Mama and Daddy smiling down at her. Mama had said that before the cult claimed all their love.
She blinked tears away.
Arga grimaced in pained sympathy. “I may have downplayed how bad it got for me when Retav was taken by the Monsuda. My life, my world, fell apart. I was more than willing to go into the hive after him, alone, even though it would result in my death or captivity. For a while, my existence had no meaning. I was ready to have it over.”
Selena nodded. It wasn’t quite what she’d endured, but she had a good idea of the pain he talked about. She’d experienced the sort of loss which demanded the world should cease. She’d lived with the injustice when it kept right on existing.
“If not for my friends, I’d have gone after my guardian, no matter the cost. I wouldn’t be alive today if they hadn’t stepped in and forced me to keep living. I wouldn’t have gotten him back.”
“But you did.”
“Blessed All-Spirit, I did.” A glimmer of elation. “I can’t tell you the incredible joy I feel when I’m with him since being granted a second chance. I can’t believe how I took him for granted before he was taken from me. Or how much more afraid I am now.”
“You’re afraid of losing him again?”
“Of losing anyone who matters to me. When I think about those horrible years when I had no idea if Retav lived, of believing I might never see him again—look at me. I can’t breathe.” He was gasping as he spoke, his hands closed into tight fists.
Selena moved to sit next to him. She covered his clenched hand with hers and squeezed. “Arga, I’m sorry you went through that. I didn’t mean to make you think of it.”
“I need to come to terms with it. After all, part of life is losing people we care for. Retav is in poor health and older than I—it’s inevitable.”
“Still, it’s not the kind of event you prefer to dwell on. I understand.”
He twisted to face her. “You imagine I don’t feel a connection between us. You’re wrong about that. I look at you, and I think about how happy my friends are with the Earthling women they’ve bonded with. I’ve wondered lately if I could have the same—but then I think about how it would be to fall in love only to lose you. And I can’t breathe again.”
He wasn’t rejecting her because he felt none of the desire she did. He was struggling because he felt too much. The realization stunned Selena.
His fists unclenched and turned to wrap around her palm. He set their linked hands against his chest. “I don’t want you to go, but I’m terrified for you to stay.”
“I can’t do both, Arga.”
“I understand that. It would be better to do as you say, to stop visiting each other when we don’t need to. We ought to stop this before it goes any further.”
Selena swallowed the brilliant flash of pain that filled her. Somehow, she managed to nod and gather her legs under her. She started to stand, to escape to some private place where she could lick her wounds.
Before she was halfway up, Arga uttered a distressed noise, like a puppy being left behind. He pulled Selena down again, so that she fell against him. Before she could figure what was happening, she was enclosed in his arms.
His kiss erased every thought in her brain.
The next morning, as the sky shaded to blue over the clear dome, vibrations woke Arga seconds before the first low rumbles sounded. His feet hit the floor next to his bed. An instant later, there was a lighter thud from the other side. He glanced at Selena, who searched around wildly.
“Damn it! I left my clothes all over your house. It’ll take me an hour to find out where we dropped everything.”
The tremor ended. The rumbles did too. Arga perked his ears and strained to hear what else might be going on. The quake did not resume, and there were no alarms.
“That was minor.” Despite her frown and the messy state of her colorful hair, Selena was beautiful. His twin hearts hurt to look at her.
Fear and want warred within Arga. Was it already too late to let her go?
Her gaze met his. “Are you okay?”
She didn’t refer to their abrupt wakeup call, the earthquake. He mustered a rueful smile. “At the moment.”
The system announced a call, and Arga answered. Tidem spoke. “Good morning, Arga. I trust you’re awake after our latest tremor?”
“Wide awake. What can I do for you, Guildmaster?”
“I’m trying to track down Selena. She’s not answering my calls. I, uh, have heard you might know where she could be?”
Selena reddened and covered her breasts and sex, as if Tidem could see her, though the communication was audio only. When Arga grinned at her, she scowled and waved him off. “I’m here, Tidem.”
He sounded as embarrassed as she looked. “Oh, good. Ah, well, we were supposed to have another explosives test today.”
“We’re moving to the backup site, right?”
“We’ve had to locate a backup to the backup, I’m afraid. The second site is a few miles from where we believe the fault lines to be, but the geologists have asked us to consider moving farther away. Just to be safe.”
“Of course. How much of a delay are we up to now?”
“Two days.”
“It could be worse. How are the delivery system simulations looking?”
His tone noticeably brightened. “Excellent! Or so I think. You’ve got more experience with weaponized explosives than I do. Is an eighty-seven percent succes
s rate adequate?”
“Hell yeah. Considering we’re operating in a hazardous and variable atmosphere never tested for weapons detonation before? That’s amazing.” She made an exaggerated happy face for Arga, jumping up and down on his bed to demonstrate her delight.
Seeing her breasts bounce turned his mouth dry. He’d had more sex in the last couple of days than in the previous month. He should be satiated, yet he couldn’t help but want to toss her down on the bed and make her moan again. It took all he had to not stop her from hopping to the floor.
Meanwhile, Tidem was matching her actions with his gleeful tone. “I’ll have the system continue to run simulations and attempt to bring the numbers up. We can make this work beyond everyone’s expectations.”
“While you’re at it, I have a few suggestions that we should try.” As they continued to talk, Selena hit the floor and paced back and forth, unaware of her effect on Arga.
Just watching her move was a revelation. He was mesmerized by how her muscles flexed beneath her skin. Coupled with her intent expression, he couldn’t tear his gaze from her.
I’m beyond attracted. I’m fascinated with everything about her.
Terror for what that could mean crowded in on him. Yet contemplating her eventual return to Earth terrified him too. The emptiness of his life, post-Selena, was a thought too awful to entertain.
The worst possible scenario had happened. Arga had fallen into a snare he wasn’t sure he could bear to struggle out of.
Chapter Ten
Despite its solid construction, the temple complex’s position on the fault line’s path had led Yitrow’s leaders to order the war room moved. Its new location was a grain storage warehouse at the edge of town. The Assembly’s curved table, as well as the rest of the furnishings, took up the wide middle aisle of the vast space. Instead of windows and art, the scenery was now made up of large storage containers, all shoved around the dome’s perimeter. The air was still, somehow dead and flat to Arga despite the crisp scent of Yitrow’s native residents and Selena’s warm, sweet aroma. Ventilation and temperature in the building were under tight control due to the perishable nature of the grains.
If the elders on the Assembly and war council minded the atmosphere, they showed none of it during the late morning meeting. Even the recent quakes couldn’t mar the anticipation over the positive test results of the explosives and Earth portal delivery system. Tidem and Selena’s report had so enthused the gathered, conversation shifted to what life would be like in the post-Monsuda era.
Ilatar gave a final address at the meeting’s end. “Here is what we’re willing to confirm: we’ll eradicate the Monsudan presence and destroy all known Earth portal accesses within a short interval. After that has been accomplished, we’ll destroy the portal accesses on Risnar, with the exception of the five hundred noted on the report.”
“Those will be kept in reserve for the purpose of completing our task of returning the Monsuda’s Earthling lab subjects,” Notlin said.
“In addition, the reserved pods will be needed should Risnar continue its course of climate upheaval. They’ll be required for a migration to the planet discovered at the other end of the so-called shadow portal passage. Are there any questions?”
The sense of exultation leaked out of the atmosphere at Ilatar’s mention of Risnar’s potential collapse. As if to underscore the elder’s words, the distant rumble of a quake sounded.
Arga glanced at Selena, whose expression displayed her sympathy for the Risnarish plight. The idea of leaving their home planet behind was depressing. No matter how ready they were to confront their troubles head on, few were in a hurry to discuss it at any length.
Notlin rose from her chair. “May the All-Spirit guide and guard us in the days ahead. Meeting adjourned.”
The moment the formal proceedings were over, Selena and Tidem leaned close to each other, muttering about specifications and trajectories and hull thicknesses and further modifications that could be added to their delivery device. Arga smiled at their enthusiasm for the project. He had a feeling they wouldn’t evaluate it as good enough until their mission was completed.
It was clear they enjoyed working together. In Tidem, Selena seemed to have found a mentor, if not a guardian figure.
Trying to follow along when those two started talking was like trying to understand Selena’s native language without the translator. Left out of the conversation, Arga peered around the room. His gaze fell on Elder Ilatar, who was also on his own for the moment. He was absorbed in poking at his CPP. A few feet away, Notlin spoke to Salno and Nex. Ilatar occasionally glanced in her direction and smiled.
Committed lovers? Could it be true?
Obeying a sudden impulse, Arga hurried over to join him. Ilatar noted his approach and tucked away his computing device.
“Arga Enrihahz, peace for all your days. I certainly threw a shadow over the end of the meeting, didn’t I? I hate wrapping things up on a somber note.”
“We’ll have plenty of warning before we must leave?”
“The scientists have identified the exact nature of the point of no return for the environment. They believe that’ll give us five years to complete migration. In the meantime, we’ll learn what needs to be done, if anything, to make the second world one we can live on.” He gazed at Notlin, who was pressing her hand to her chest, signaling she was saying her goodbyes to Nex and Salno.
If he were to ask anything, Arga was running out of time before the Assembly members went on to other duties. He attempted to speak and immediately became tongue tied. “Elder Ilatar, forgive me for asking—but you and Elder Notlin—you—you are—”
“Committed and cohabitating lovers?” He chuckled as Arga dropped his gaze, flustered by the subject. “Everyone turns nervous when they wish to ask me about it. Yes, it’s true.”
“You live together? As the Earthlings do?”
“Except for occasional retreats at gender-specific events, we do indeed share a dome.” His eyes twinkling, he darted a peek at Selena, who was still in animated discussion with Tidem. “Am I to suspect we may be welcoming another Earthling to the fold?”
“It’s too early to tell. In fact, my initial response would be no, that’s not going to happen.” As Arga said the words, his hearts lurched at the thought of Selena leaving. Of never seeing her again.
“There is a struggle within your spirit on the matter. You are not sure of the emotions you have for each other?”
“Not yet. When I try to make sense of it, it’s as if I’ve chewed too much broadleaf. My thoughts race and my hearts feel as if they’ll explode when I think of her staying. Yet it’s the same when I think of her returning to Earth.”
“That initial rush of fascination does leave a man giddy.” Ilatar again looked at Notlin. She had left Nex and Salno to talk to another member of the Assembly.
“It doesn’t last?” Arga didn’t think Ilatar appeared giddy at all, though the affection was obvious.
“Not always, at least from what I’ve seen of such things. Notlin was the only woman who ever affected me in such a manner.”
“You aren’t so—maddened—now?”
“What I feel for Notlin after sixty years is of a deeper nature. Calmer and more settled, yes. Yet it’s become far more intense than that first rush when I lived inside an emotional whirlwind.”
Arga frowned, trying to understand. How could something be calmer but more intense?
As if intuiting Arga’s confusion, Ilatar added, “Notlin is a part of me now. She’s a piece of my life, as essential as the air I breathe.”
“If anything happened to her, you would be destroyed. Life would not be worth living.” Exactly as Arga had feared falling for Selena would become.
“It would feel that way, no doubt. But a part of her spirit would continue to reside in me, though I would grieve the loss of her physical form. When both our lives are over, we’ll be restored to each other, in a place where there is no fear of separation e
ver again. I have faith in that.”
“You’d be alone until then. Alone and remembering and lost.”
“Perhaps. The passing of the lover who makes waking each day a joy, whose presence gives you strength when your own fails—yes, I can see why you’d fear such a thing. Yet there is something I fear more than that.”
“What?”
“Never having had this time together at all. I’d brave an eternity of loneliness and grief for the joy of a single day with Notlin. It would be worth it.”
Arga gaped at him. With a soft chuckle, Ilatar turned and joined Notlin, who wrapped up her conversation. Walking close, the pair left.
Alone again in the rapidly emptying room, Arga turned his attention to Selena, who remained in dialogue with Tidem. He drank in her smile, her bright expression, her easy attitude.
If Arga and Selena fell in love as Ilatar and Notlin had, would the threat of losing her be outweighed by the joy the elders had found? Obviously, Ilatar believed that to be true.
Arga considered the Risnarish-Earthling pairings that had occurred in the last months. Kren and Jeannie. Nex and Anneliese. Jape and Velia. In each case, after falling in love, those couples had been forced to face the possibility of being separated forever. Yet when reunited, they’d clung closer than before, refusing to grant the specter of loss any consideration when it came to what they could share now.
He thought back to the two years without his guardian Retav. In the end, before rescuing the man who’d raised him, Arga had recovered his equilibrium. Life had begun to have purpose once more. Nevertheless, the pain had colored his best days. Could he live with such harrowing damage again?
I survived it when I thought he’d never come back. I would have continued to survive it. I had also learned to appreciate the good times we’d had.
I wouldn’t have traded a single second of our relationship to avoid that pain.
It was a stunning revelation. The agony of Retav’s capture had eclipsed every part of Arga’s existence for a long while. The anguish had been worse than death, the reason he’d been eager to court destruction. He’d have risked all for the sliver of hope of rescuing Retav.
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