by M. E. Parker
I wanted to believe my own lie. I really did. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Come on, Wyrick. Tell me the truth for fucking once.”
Shame poured over me. “I didn’t want Daryl to know Andy was with me.” I sighed. “I hate myself.” I whispered.
“Why?”
I looked up at him over my beer. “Why do I hate myself?”
Travis let out a sarcastic laugh. “No, I already know the answer to that. Why didn’t you want Daryl White to know that Andy was meeting us for a beer?”
“I don’t know, man. I’m just not ready for that shit. I’m not ready for everyone to know.”
“Okay, but it’s not like Andy was wearing a sign that said, ‘I’m gay and Chance Wyrick is my boyfriend.’ I don’t get it.”
I shrugged. “If Daryl asked Andy if he was gay, Andy would have said yes. He won’t lie about it. It doesn’t matter anyway. Daryl already knew Andy was gay.”
“So?”
“So. I’m not ready to come out. I’m just not.”
“You’re losing me here, Chance. Just because Andy tells someone he’s gay, doesn’t mean you have to come out.”
I ran my fingers through my hair. “I know, man. I’m all kinds of fucked up. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” I felt tears welling in my eyes again. “All I know is, I gotta make things right with Andy.” A couple of guys from the team took that moment to walk up to the table. Thank god, before they could even say anything, Travis told them to get lost.
“Okay. We’re gonna figure this shit out. Let’s just say Daryl finds out that you’re gay, what’s the worst that could happen?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk about that. I just wanna fix things with Andy.”
“Just answer the question. I’m trying to help.”
“I don’t see how this is going to help.”
“Dude, he’s not going to forgive you for that shit until you can explain why you did it. You need to figure out why you’re scared, and you need to tell him.”
“Jesus, Travis, why do you think?”
“Chance, answer the damn question. What’s the worst thing that could happen if Daryl White found out that you’re gay?”
I groaned in frustration. “I don’t know. He’d tell everyone?”
“Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere.”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen if he told everyone?”
“My father would find out.” The words slipped from my lips so easily. I didn’t even think about it. It was my worst fear.
Travis nodded. “Okay. So, what’s the worst thing that could happen if your father found out?”
My heart was pounding so hard, I felt like it might burst out of my chest. I wasn’t even sure how to answer his question. I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Chance. Come on, answer. He’d be pissed? He’d never speak to you again? He’d be disappointed in you? He’d be embarrassed of you? He’d pray for your mortal soul for the rest of his life?” Travis looked at me as a small smile crossed his face. “He doesn’t seem like he’s prone to violence. So, I’d imagine that would be the worst of it. You can’t stand him anyway. You can barely stand to be around him. What difference would it make? Seriously? I’m not saying it would be easy or pleasant, I’m just asking, what would be the worst thing about him knowing?”
Travis paused for a second and looked at me. “You know, I could never figure out why you had a problem with your old man. He’s always been so cool with me. I never got the feeling that he was the judgmental type, but he doesn’t approve, does he? He won’t approve of you.” Travis shrugged. “Do you approve of him? Sounds like his problem. Not yours.”
As I listened to his words, I realized Travis was right. Things couldn’t get much worse between my father and me. I supposed the worst was, he may never talk to me again. All I’d ever wanted was for him to be proud of me. But I wanted him to be proud of the real me. Not who I pretended to be. And I’d already lost all respect for him. That had happened years ago. It was ironic, I thought. I wanted him to be proud of me, even though I wasn’t proud of him anymore.
I looked up at Travis, realizing how stupid I’d been. “I need to fix things with Andy.” I felt even worse than I had before.
“Okay. Do you have a plan?”
I shook my head and tried to swallow back tears. I couldn’t even remember the last time I cried.
From the look on Travis’s face, he could tell I was about to lose it. “Jesus, Chance. Where is he now? You can fix this.”
“Wild Orchid. But he doesn’t want to see me,” I whispered.
“So, what? Let’s go.” He was smiling at me.
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
“Let’s go, man.”
I let out a breath. I was willing to do anything at that point to try to get Andy to forgive me, but I didn’t want to make trouble for Travis. “I’ll go. You don’t have to go with me.”
He laughed. “I don’t care, man. I’ve been there a bunch of times.”
I was shocked. “What?”
“Yeah. We go there dancing late night, almost every Saturday night. The best music in town. You’d know this, if you ever stayed out past midnight.”
Chapter Seventeen
Andy
As I sat at our regular table—a round booth in the corner—with Cam, Jordy, and Ben, I felt sick. Part of me wanted to go home. But I was afraid that Chance would show up there. If he showed up, I’d give in. I’d be weak. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget about Chance. I wanted to forget how much I loved him.
Cam had cornered me as soon as I walked in the door. I begged him to leave me alone. I begged him not to ask what had happened at End Zone. I needed to be with friends and I wanted to drink. I needed to forget. I’d been sitting there for what felt like forever. I needed our waiter, Chip, to bring me another beer, but according to Ben, they were short a server. I felt Cam’s eyes studying me from across the booth. I didn’t care. I knew I’d have to tell him everything, but I wasn’t interested in doing that anytime soon.
I slammed my empty bottle on the table. “I’m going to the bar.” I walked towards the bar in a fog and waited for the bartender to notice me. It was a few seconds before a familiar voice spoke against my ear.
“Hey Anj, you look great tonight.” I cleared my throat and looked round to see Mark standing behind me. I shook my head. The last thing I needed was to talk to my ex-boyfriend, but he was standing there, crowding me, smiling at me, looking at me like he wanted to eat me alive.
I looked at him. It was odd; I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. Not in the least. At least he’s out. He can talk to me in public without throwing up. That’s a bonus, I thought.
“What can I get the cute couple?” the bartender asked, looking our way. He was new. I’d never seen him before. Clearly, he was new, or he would have heard the gossip about Mark and me.
“Two lemon drops.” Mark looked at me again. “What were you going to order?” he asked, revealing a giant smile. One that I’d forgotten.
I cleared my throat and yelled into his ear above the loud music that had begun to play. “A beer, I guess.”
“Add a Heineken,” Mark called out to the bartender. “How’ve you been?” he yelled into my ear. I could feel his breath on my neck, and it made me feel uncomfortable.
“Fine,” I said, trying not to look at him.
The bartender placed two shooters and a Heineken on the bar in front of us. I reached for my wallet. Mark grabbed my arm.
“I got this,” he said. “Put it on my tab,” he called to the bartender. The bartender nodded. I reached for the beer. I knew I shouldn’t let him buy me a drink, but I was so fucking exhausted, I didn’t want to argue.
“Thanks,” I said, as I picked up the beer and turned to walk away.
“Wait, Anj.” I cringed hearing the stupid nickname that he’d given me. It’s better than monkey. No, it’s
not. You love it when Chance calls you monkey. Get a grip, Andy. I reluctantly looked back at Mark. He was holding up a shooter. “I bought this for you. Do one with me. For old time’s sake,” he said, smiling.
I reluctantly took the glass from his hand and threw back the shot. He looked disappointed when he raised his own glass for a toast and mine was empty. It wasn’t that I was interested in catching up on old times with Mark. It was that I was interested in drinking. Drinking so much that I could stop feeling what I was feeling—utter devastation.
He furrowed his brow. “You okay, Andy?”
“Yeah. Perfect.” I grinned as I felt the warmth of the vodka flow through me.
“You want another?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. I was seriously considering taking him up on the offer when I felt a foreign hand grip my bicep. I snapped my head around to find Cameron glaring at me.
“No. He absolutely doesn’t,” Cam said, looking at Mark with a smile that said either, I want to kill you or look how cute I am. I couldn’t decide which. “Come on, Andy.” He pulled me away from the bar. I struggled to free my arm. But it was useless.
Mark called out. “I really don’t think this is any of your business, Cam.”
Cam turned around as he pushed me towards the bathrooms and called out, “I couldn’t even give one fuck about what you think, Mark.” I looked up. Cam was pushing me through the door of the women’s restroom.
“Cam, this is the ladies’ room,” I said, sighing as he locked the door.
“Andy, you and I both know that no ladies show up at this bar until after eleven. Tell me what’s going on. Now,” he said, looking at me with his arms crossed.
I shook my head. “I told you. I’m not going to talk about it. I’m just gonna have a good time tonight.” I turned to unlock the door. Somehow, Cam did some ninja move that placed himself between me and the door. “We’re not going anywhere until you tell me.”
I crossed my arms against my chest. “Fine. We’re not going anywhere, then.”
Cam stomped his foot. “Fine, Andy. You know what your problem is? You still see yourself as the same insecure, geeky kid you were in high school. But you’re not that kid anymore. You’re strong, kind, smart, and you’re the hottest guy in this whole goddamn bar.”
I shook my head and laughed. “I don’t think so. You’re here.”
Cam looked down and examined his fingernails. “That’s true. Okay, the second hottest, then. Seriously, I have no idea what that dumb jock did to you, but you deserve better and you need to take it. You need to demand it. Because you’re worth it. If he loves you, he needs to come out. You deserve that. If he can’t give it to you, you need to move on.”
I shook my head again and felt tears welling in my eyes. “It’s my fault, Cam. I shouldn’t have gotten involved with him. I knew he wasn’t ready. I can see the fear in his eyes, you know. He’s not ready. He may never be ready. All I’ve done is make things hard for him. I should have just been a friend to him. Now we’re just … I’m just fucked.” I felt tears streaming down my cheeks.
Cam shook his head and took a couple of steps forward. “You’re not fucked, Andy.” He said, wrapping his arms around me. His embrace was comforting. “You know what I think?” he whispered in my ear. “I think maybe you’re meant to be with that big dumb jock.” I was surprised by his words as I shook my head against his shoulder. “He’ll figure it out, Andy. But maybe it’s smart to let him go until he does.”
I nodded and sniffed, trying not to snot on his black dress shirt. Cam was right. I need to let him go. The thought made my heart feel like it was going to burst into a million pieces.
“You want me to take you home?” he asked as he pulled away to look at me.
I shook my head. “I don’t wanna go home. I wanna get drunk.”
He looked at me with a sad smile. “Okay. But just so you know, that sort of thing rarely goes well.”
“I know. And yet, I don’t care,” I said, as I tried to smile back.
He sighed. “Okay. But no hooking up with Mark. Anyone else. But not Mark.”
I nodded in agreement. I could never hook up with Mark again. Who am I kidding? I can’t hook up with anyone but Chance. I’m so fucked, I thought as I walked out of the bathroom.
Chapter Eighteen
Chance
My hand shook as I reached for the door to Wild Orchid.
“You okay, man?” Travis asked, standing behind me. I wasn’t okay. I was terrified. I never thought I’d find myself walking into a gay bar. I’d been thinking about coming out for months, but none of the scenarios that had passed through my mind began with me walking into Wild Orchid. It didn’t matter though. I was sick and tired of being a coward and I was ready to do anything to fix things with Andy.
“Yeah, I’m good.” My legs shook as I walked inside.
A guy who looked like he belonged on our defensive line was sitting on a stool in the doorway and he didn’t look happy to see me. Travis reached over my shoulder and gave the guy a fist bump.
“What’s up, Jake.”
The guy nodded towards me without taking his eyes off Travis. “He cool?”
Travis laughed. “Yeah, man. He’s harmless.”
The bouncer threw me a glare of distrust. He looked back at Travis. “I don’t want any trouble tonight.”
“Nah, dawg. He’s cool,” Travis said again with laughter in his voice.
Jake nodded as a slow smile spread across his face. “You boys have fun.”
I took a few steps into the bar and began to take in my surroundings. It was different to what I thought it would be. It wasn’t crowded, but it was still early. Nobody was dancing. There were only a handful of women in the bar. It was mostly guys. Guys sitting at tables. Guys talking and laughing. Guys hugging. Guys holding hands. I watched two guys kiss over by the bar, and I wanted that. I wanted to feel free like they did. Travis leaned over so I could hear him over the music.
“Are you just gonna stand there? Let’s go in.”
I nodded. “I’m looking for Andy.”
“I think he’s over by the bar.” He pointed.
I nodded again. It was him. His back was to me and he was leaning over the bar. A cute Hispanic bartender wearing a black tank top was talking to him. I watched the bartender wink at Andy, before sliding a beer in front of him. Andy turned around and leaned against the bar. I watched him take a drink. There was a guy sitting next to him, watching him. He said something to Andy. Andy laughed. Another guy walked over to Andy and stood next to him. He said something to Andy. He put his hand on Andy’s chest and Andy laughed while he shook his head and moved the guy’s hand away.
I felt sick to my stomach. Andy could have any guy in this bar. Why would he ever want to be with me? I was wondering if maybe I’d made the wrong decision to come when Travis elbowed me. “Wyrick. What are you waiting for?”
“Just give me a second.” I needed to think. Maybe it would be better to leave. Maybe it’s better for Andy if I just leave him alone. Then I saw him. I knew exactly who he was. It was Mark, Andy’s ex-boyfriend. He was leaning against the wall just a few feet away from Andy, watching him. I could tell by the way he was watching him that it wouldn’t be long before he was talking to Andy. Touching Andy. Jealously coursed through my veins. I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t give up. I was about to walk over to claim what was mine when I spotted Cam. He was headed towards me with a fierce look of anger sparking through his translucent blue eyes.
I deserve it, I thought, as he grabbed my shirt with both hands and slammed me against the wall.
“What the fuck did you do?” I looked down at him. My arms were limp by my sides. I closed my eyes, I couldn’t look at him. I was overcome with guilt and self-hatred. He slammed me against the wall again. My back seared with pain as he yelled at me. “What the fuck did you do to him?” I wanted him to hit me. He wasn’t just pissed; he was disappointed. I shook my head. I couldn’t speak.
I heard Travis
saying something. I saw Travis put his hand on Cameron’s shoulder, but I couldn’t stop what was about to happen. The next thing I knew, Cameron had Travis’s arm pinned behind his back. The bouncer jumped from his stool. Cam looked at him. “I got this, Jake.”
“Okay, Cam, but if I have to call the police or an ambulance tonight, I’m going to have Syd ban you, for real this time.” He shook his head and walked back over to his stool and sat down. I wondered what Jake meant by ‘this time’.
Travis was looking back and forth between the two of us.
“What the fuck? You wanna let go of my arm before someone gets hurt,” Travis said, struggling in vain to get out of Cam’s hold.
Cam looked at me. “You wanna tell him to back off before someone gets hurt?”
I shook my head. “Let go of him, Cam.” I looked at Travis. “It’s fine. He’s Andy’s best friend. His problem’s with me, not you.”
As Cam released him, Travis shook his arm and stretched it out. “Jesus Christ, you’re freakishly strong for your size. My bad, I didn’t know you were a friend of Andy’s.” He grinned at Cam, took a step back, and crossed his arms. “Please continue. I might even enjoy this.”
When Cameron looked at Travis, a smile played on his lips. It disappeared as soon as he turned towards me. The anger in his eyes returned. “What’re you guys doing here? Straight night is on Saturday. Tonight is gay night. Maybe you should come back tomorrow.”
I looked down at the floor. “Cam, I’m sorry—”
He interrupted me. “You should go, Chance.”
I shook my head, feeling desperate. “Wait. I fucked up tonight. I have to fix it. You have to help me. I have to fix things with him.” I felt a tear fall down my cheek. “Please.” I put my hands in my pockets and wiped it away with my shoulder.
Cam’s expression softened as he sighed. “Goddamnit Chance, what did you do?”
“I told you. I fucked up.” I was too ashamed to admit what I’d done.
Cam crossed his arms. He turned and looked at Travis. Travis smiled. “I can absolutely confirm that he fucked up.” Cam looked at me. “You need to tell me what happened.” I shook my head. I wanted to tell him. I just couldn’t make myself say the words. He looked back at Travis. Travis looked at me and raised an eyebrow and I shrugged in response. Cam narrowed his eyes. “I don’t suppose you want to tell me?” he asked Travis.
