by M. E. Parker
I smiled and shrugged. “I know, Ben. I’m not going to hit you. I just want to dance with my boyfriend.”
Ben sighed in relief. “Well, then. Right. Good. We’re all sorted then?”
“We’re good,” I told Ben as I took Andy’s hand and pulled him closer to me. Andy put his hand on my shoulder, and I placed mine on the small of his back, pulling him even closer.
Andy looked up at me. “Chance?”
I answered in his ear. “Yeah?”
“Is that really you?”
“Yeah, monkey.”
“Nuhuh.”
I chuckled. “Yeah. It’s me.”
He laid his head on my chest, as we swayed to the music.
“You can’t be Chance,” he mumbled. “You smell like Chance. You feel like him. But you can’t be him.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because, Chance would never dance with me at Wild Orchid.”
“I am, Andy. I’m dancing with you right now,” I said softly.
“No. You’re not,” he said, pulling me closer.
I laughed and held on to him. It didn’t matter that I could hear Travis, Cam, Ben, and Jordy all cheering from across the bar. It didn’t matter that I saw a couple of flashes of light while we danced. I didn’t care if the entire bar was taking pictures. I knew I was right where I was supposed to be.
When the song ended, Lady Gaga began to blare through the speakers. Andy looked up at me again like he was seeing me for the first time.
“Chance?” I couldn’t help but smile. I leaned down and kissed him gently on the lips.
“Can I please take you home?”
“Huh?”
I yelled in his ear. “Can I take you home?”
He nodded. I was sure he couldn’t appreciate the gravity of what had happened. I wasn’t even sure that he knew what was going on. I didn’t know if he felt any better about us. But I felt better. I felt like a new person. I clasped his hand, waved to the guys across the bar, and led him towards the door.
Chapter Nineteen
Andy
One of the worst things about being drunk, I thought, is that sometimes you forget stuff. Like, I was sure I was supposed to be mad at Chance for something when he helped me into his truck, but I’d forgotten what.
As soon as we pulled out of the parking lot, I remembered.
I looked over at him. He glanced sideways at me and smiled. No stupid smiles. No stupid charm. It won’t work on me. I frowned at him. “Why am I in your truck?”
He smiled at me again. “I’m taking you home.”
Stupid smile. “I didn’t want you to take me home.”
He laughed. “Yes, you did.”
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
I wanted to argue, but I wasn’t completely sure what we were arguing about. Another bad thing about being drunk is that sometimes you get confused and stupid.
God, I’m hot and I feel sorta queasy, I thought as I rolled down the truck window. I needed air. I rested my head on the door against the open window so I could feel the cool air against my face.
“What are you doing?” Chance asked.
“I need air.”
“It’s thirty-five degrees.” He smiled again. Stupid smile. “Do you feel sick?”
I frowned. “No,” I lied.
“Then why do you need air?”
“Because I’m breaking up with you.” Did I really say that? We pulled into a parking spot in the front of my building.
Chance put the truck in park and reached over and touched my cheek. As he ran his thumb across the stubble along my jawline, he smiled. Stupid smile. “You’re not breaking up with me, monkey.”
Admittedly, I was confused and still drunk, but I was pretty sure I was supposed to break up with him. I didn’t want to break up with him. But I had to break up with him. But I didn’t want to. He leaned over and kissed my forehead. “You’re not breaking up with me,” he said again.
“Well, maybe not tonight. But I will. Later. Tomorrow.” What am I saying?
He shook his head and laughed. “Why not tonight?”
“Because I want to snuggle. And maybe fuck you or let you fuck me. I haven’t decided.” Oh god, did I just say that out loud?
A wide grin spread across his face. Stupid smile. He leaned over and kissed my cheek. “You’re not breaking up with me, monkey.”
I shook my head and wondered why I kept saying stupid stuff out loud. “Truth serum.”
“Huh?” Chance looked at me. Damn, I did it again.
“Maybe it’s the vodka, or the lemon juice, or that sugar they put around the rim of the glass.”
Chance laughed. “Monkey, what are you talking about?” I wasn’t sure why he didn’t understand. I thought I was making perfect sense.
I shook my head in frustration, determined I wouldn’t say anything else—especially something stupid. It could get worse, I thought. I could tell him I’m in love with him or something really stupid like that. Chance was helping me out of his truck. Again, I was little confused, because I remembered him sitting next to me inside the truck and there he was outside the truck.
“I’m not going to tell you that I love you.” Chance burst out laughing and kissed me on the mouth. Damn! I did it again.
“You are the cutest drunk I’ve ever met,” Chance said, beaming down at me.
I scrunched up my nose. “I’m not drunk,” I lied. Apparently, the worst thing about being drunk is not being able to stop yourself from saying stupid shit.
Chance held my hand as we walked up the steps to my building. He held my hand as we walked inside. He held my hand as we stood at the bottom of the steps that led up to my apartment.
“Do you need some help?” he asked as he chuckled under his breath.
I frowned. I didn’t need help. I was just noticing how many steps there were and how high they were. But I definitely didn’t need help. I heard giggling and looked up to see two girls who lived on the floor above me. As they came down the steps they noticed Chance, of course.
“Chance!” The redhead called out.
“Hi Shelia,” Chance said.
“What are you guys doing tonight?” she asked before she looked at me. “Hey, Andy.” I was surprised that she knew my name.
I tried to smile. I wasn’t sure if it worked though. “Hey,” I said.
Chance smiled. “I think we’re calling it a night. What are you guys doing?”
“We’re heading over to End Zone, I guess,” Shelia said.
The blonde giggled. “Andy, it looks like you’ve had some fun tonight.” She was looking at me. I definitely didn’t remember her name.
I shook my head. “No, not really. Nope, no fun at all.”
Chance let go of my hand, put his arm around my shoulders and steered me towards the stairs. “I probably should get him home,” he said right before he winked at the blonde. He winked at her!
They giggled as they passed us on the steps. “Have a good night,” the blonde said.
“You too, have fun,” Chance responded as we reached the landing.
He was unlocking the door and I wasn’t sure how he’d gotten my key. You too, have fun. I mocked him in my head. He may as well have kissed her goodnight.
“You winked at her. I’m breaking up with you.” Oh shit, I did it again.
Chance laughed and kissed my cheek. “You’re not breaking up with me, Andy.”
I heard the girls giggle and I looked down the stairs. They hadn’t walked out the door yet. Shit! I felt sick. I didn’t know they could hear me. “You guys are so cute,” Shelia called up the stairs.
Chance smiled and waved. “Thanks.” His cheeks were pink, but he didn’t seem freaked out. Why doesn’t he seem freaked out? He grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the apartment. I watched him walk to the kitchen and flip on the overhead light.
“Oh god, Chance, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize she was standing there.” I felt like I was sobering up a
s I spoke. “I’ll talk to her tomorrow. I’ll tell her I was just drunk. I’ll tell her you were just being a nice guy. That you were just making sure I got home okay. I’ll tell her—”
“Andy, it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay. I basically just outed you. Oh my god, I’m never drinking again. I’m so sorry.”
“Andy, stop apologizing. You don’t have to fix anything. It wouldn’t work anyway. I was holding your hand. I kissed you on the cheek. It doesn’t matter. They’ll probably hear about it anyway. We were just dancing together at Wild Orchid.”
What? Holy shit. He’s right. The memory of me looking up at Chance’s face as we swayed back and forth on the dance floor at Wild Orchid flashed through my mind. “Chance, what the hell’s going on?” I couldn’t catch my breath.
“Monkey, I want to have a conversation about this, but I need you to sober up first.”
I nodded. He was leaning against the kitchen counter. His hand was flat against the surface. I looked at it. One of his knuckles had a small cut on it and the others were red and swollen. I reached over and gently touched his fingers. “What did you do?”
He furrowed his brow. “I punched Moose in the face.”
“Who’s Moose?”
He shook his head. “Daryl. That’s what we call Daryl.”
I shook my head. “You shouldn’t have done that, Chance.” I couldn’t lie, I loved that he took up for me, but the guy wasn’t worth it. And it didn’t really make up for what he did to me. I went to the freezer and found a bag of frozen peas and laid it on top of his hand. I looked up at him and noticed a red mark under his left eye. “Oh god, what happened here?” I touched his face.
“Andy, it’s fine. I think I caught his elbow when I tackled him.”
I stomped back to the freezer in frustration and began to rummage through it. “Shit. Why don’t we have any more peas? We don’t have anything. Hold on. I’ll make an ice pack.” The whole night had been one big cluster fuck and I blamed myself. I’ll never drink again.
I turned to find a Ziplock bag for some ice. As I opened drawers, Chance threw the frozen peas on the counter and came over and wrapped his arms around me from behind. “Stop, Andy.”
“Chance, it’ll just take a second. You need to put some ice on your eye. I just need to find the Ziplock baggies.”
He kissed the back of my neck. “Andy, my eye is fine. My hand is fine. Stop.”
I pulled his arms from around me and turned around. “Nothing’s fine. That’s the hand you throw with,” I argued.
“Andy, I’m fine. Will you just stop? Stop trying to take care of me. Let me take care of you for once.” He put his hands on my shoulders. “Please. Please just sit down.” I looked up at him. He was frustrated. I nodded and sat down at the kitchen table. He put a liter bottle of water in front of me. “Drink this. All of it.” He put two Advil in front of me. “And take these. I’m going to make you something to eat.”
I snorted. “You’re going to cook?”
He grinned. “I’m not Cam. I can make scrambled eggs and toast.”
He sat with me while I ate, prodding me to finish every bite and drink every last drop of water. The next thing I knew, he’d pulled me into the bedroom, and ordered that I take out my contacts.
Next, he promptly insisted that I take a shower. When I stepped out, he was there to hand me a towel. He stepped in the shower after me. “I put some clothes on the bed for you. Brush your teeth.” I felt like a child as I dried off, brushed my teeth, and walked into the bedroom to find a pair of sleep pants and t-shirt on the corner of the bed.
After I dressed, I laid back on the bed. Everything was hitting me all at once. I just wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to think about what had happened.
I was on the verge of falling asleep when Chance walked back in the room. “Don’t sleep yet, monkey. You’ll feel better in the morning if you stay up for a couple of hours.”
I smiled at him as he slipped on a pair of black boxer briefs and a t-shirt. “What are you, some sort of hangover expert?”
“Yep. Come on. We’re watching TV.”
Chance sat on the end of the couch, and I laid down with my head in his lap. He put on an episode of ‘The Great Bake Off’. I swallowed back tears. He hated that show. Why is he being so nice to me? I tried not to worry about it as we sat quietly and watched. He played with my hair.
Chapter Twenty
Chance
I looked down at Andy, asleep on my lap. His dark lashes rested on his cheeks. I felt at peace. I probably should have taken him to bed when he fell asleep, but it was nice to have time to think. I’d spent the last two hours thinking about what had happened earlier that night. I knew what I wanted, and I was ready to talk to Andy about it. I wished it didn’t have to wait until morning.
Andy’s eyelids fluttered. I wondered if my thoughts had woken him up. He looked up at me and rubbed his eyes. He looked over at the TV. I had turned on Sports Center, but I wasn’t watching or listening. “I missed the end,” he said with a frown.
I smiled at him. “They eliminated the blonde girl.”
He nodded and sat up. “Where did my glasses go?”
I reached over and picked them up from the coffee table. “Here.” I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. “We should go to bed.”
He stretched. “What time is it?”
“After midnight.”
“How long did I sleep?”
“A couple of hours. How do you feel?”
“Surprisingly, not that bad.”
I stood and offered him my hand to help him from the couch.
“Are you okay?” he asked, looking up at me.
I smiled. “I’m okay, monkey.”
He took off his glasses as we walked into the bedroom. He laid them on the nightstand and slid under the covers. I slid into bed behind him and wrapped my arms around him. It felt good to have his body against mine.
“Chance?” he whispered.
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
A sarcastic chuckle escaped my lips. I kissed the back of his head. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”
He turned over. Our foreheads were pressed together. “Do you want to talk about what happened tonight? Because, honestly, I’m a little fuzzy on some of the details.”
I laughed. “You’re kind of a cute drunk.”
“Oh god, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize again. I’m the one that should be apologizing to you—as usual. We don’t have to talk about it tonight, though, if you don’t feel like it.”
He shook his head. “No, I feel like it. Unless you’d rather wait until morning?”
I kissed him on the forehead. “I don’t want to wait. But before we talk about tonight, I have something I want to tell you about my father.”
“Okay?”
“Umm, do you remember … What am I saying? Of course, you remember—but the day your dad died, Coach called me in from practice. He told me what had happened. I couldn’t believe it was real. I just didn’t want to believe it, but when I got to you and saw you on the front porch, I knew it was real. I would have done anything that day to take your pain away.” My voice cracked and I heard Andy sniffle.
I reached up and touched his face. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to make you sad. I just don’t know any other way to tell you this.”
“It’s okay. Tell me.” His voice was scratchy.
“I just didn’t know what to say to you. I didn’t know how to make it better.”
“Chance, there was nothing you could have said or done.”
“I know that now. But I remember holding you that day. I just held you in my arms for hours, while we waited for your mom to come home.”
He lifted his hand and ran his fingers through my hair. “I remember.”
“My father saw us. On your bed. You in my arms. He told me to go home. That night, I knew there was something between us. I knew that the way I felt a
bout you was different. I knew that it felt right to hold you in my arms. But I was still so confused.”
Andy didn’t respond. But he reached up and ran his fingers through my hair again, waiting patiently for me to finish. I cleared my throat. “The next morning, I was on my way over to see you again and my father stopped me before I could leave the house.” I took a deep breath and told Andy everything my father had said to me that day.
“Jesus, Chance.” He kissed me gently on the cheek.
“I just, Andy, I didn’t want whatever it was between us to be bad or wrong. I was determined that he wasn’t going to be right about me. And I—every time we were together, it was all I could think about. I was so pissed off.” I chuckled. “I even prayed, just like he told me to, and it didn’t work. I didn’t want to be gay. I’m so sorry. I didn’t.” I felt a tear sliding down my cheek.
“It’s okay, Chance. It’s okay that you felt that way. There was a time when I felt that way too.” He wiped away my tear with his thumb.
“I know my father is all kinds of fucked up, and the way he thinks about it is fucked up. Like I know—this is just who I am, the way I was born, or whatever. I just—I’ve always had this voice in the back of my head telling me I was wrong.”
Andy pulled me closer to him and buried his head between my neck and shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry he made you feel that way. He’s wrong, Chance. You’re not wrong. I’m not wrong. We’re not wrong.”
I nodded and kissed the top of his head. “I’m sorry I pretended like we weren’t together tonight. I was—”
“Stop. Chance, it’s okay.” Andy interrupted.
“No. Please just let me finish. I wanted you to think I was doing it for you. Like, maybe he wouldn’t start any shit with you if he didn’t know we were together. But that isn’t true. I was afraid if he knew that we were there together he’d figure out that I was gay.” I let out a breath. I felt Andy pull away a tiny bit. I pulled him back to me. “I know that’s crazy. I was just thinking he’d see us together and he’d know. I wasn’t sure I could hide how I felt about you. That’s what I was thinking. I hate myself for it. As soon as I did it, I wanted to take it back. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry.”
