by Alie Nolan
I parked my car in a spot on the road behind the bakery, grabbed the now empty cake boxes from the boot, and made my way to the bakery's back door.
Walking through the alleyway to get to the back door, it still struck me every so often, how much my life had changed since the night I’d met Elliott in that same alley ten years earlier.
My life had become easily separated into two sections from that point onwards. My life before Elliott, and my life with Elliott. I tried not to think about the life before Elliott part too much, because, while I’d discussed my childhood and teenage years at length with a therapist a few years back, and that had made it easier to accept my past and move on from it, it hadn’t fully erased the occasional sadness I still felt for my past self.
I had been so lost and broken that night I’d met Elliott. After months of living on the streets, Elliott had changed my life in more ways than one.
He’d found me eating out of his rubbish bin, and rather than shoo me away or yell at me, he’d taken me in. He gave me a home, a job… and above all else, he’d given me love.
I still smiled like a fool every time my incredible husband popped into my thoughts, and I was grateful every day that he was mine.
With thoughts of my man, I opened the door, ready to search him out for a kiss.
Walking down the hallway from the door, past the stairs that led to the flat upstairs—the flat we’d once lived in, that was now used mostly for extra storage, and a place to hang out and have the occasional quickie on our breaks while we were at work.
I peeked into the main area of the shop and found it empty. No Elliott, no customers…
I looked at my watch, and although it was late in the afternoon, we should have still been open for another hour or so.
I noticed the sign on the door was showing we were closed.
A sense of unease washed over me.
It was unlike Elliott to close early for anything that wasn’t important.
“El?” I said loudly enough that I knew wherever he was, he’d hear me.
“Caleb?” His voice came from the direction of the kitchen.
“Why are we closed?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen, finding him clutching his phone in one hand and a plate of food in the other. He put both down on the side and pulled out one of the spare stools we kept in the corner of the room.
“Can you sit?” He asked, his voice sounding tenser than usual. His shoulders were raised, and his body language was radiating stress.
He was acting weird, and it was starting to freak me out.
If either of us had any family, this would have been the moment I’d have asked who died.
“Okay…” I said hesitantly as I took a seat in front of him. “El, you’re scaring me a little,” I tried to flash him a playful smile, but I was sure my anxiety was evident in my expression.
“Shit, sorry,” he rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. “Jake and Matty are upstairs,” he blurted.
What?!
I was sure I hadn’t heard him correctly.
I couldn’t have.
Could I?
“Can you repeat that?” I asked as calmly as I could manage.
“Jake and Matty, they’re…” he pointed to the ceiling. “…upstairs.”
“What?!” I exclaimed. “Jake and Matty, as in… Jake and Matty?”
Who the fuck else do you know called Jake and Matty, you twat?
It was obviously my Jake and Matty.
And they were… here.
I didn’t know what I’d been expecting Elliott to say, but that hadn’t been it. Not even close.
“You spoke to them?” I asked dumbly—obviously he’d spoken to them. He had to for them to have been upstairs, because I doubted they’d broken in.
Elliott bobbed his head a few times, his expression morphing into a hint of a smile.
“What the fuck?!” I picked up a chocolate chip cookie from a tray on the side and shovelled it into my mouth.
Nervous habit.
Elliott let out a quiet laugh as he watched me stress-eat the cookie.
Once I’d devoured the first, my hand automatically reached for another before Elliott slapped it away from the tray.
“No more,” he chuckled.
I was overwhelmed and trying to process all the emotions washing over me at once.
Happiness, caution, intrigue, fear. It was a lot to take in.
“Do you want to see them?” Elliott asked, taking my hand in his and brushing his thumb over my knuckles as he came to stand between my legs.
Do I?
Of course, I did.
But…
“What if they’re angry?” I asked meekly, and looked down at our joined hands where they rested on my thigh.
“Sweetheart.” Elliott used his other hand to cup my cheek and tilt my head up, his fingertips lightly stroking my beard. “They didn’t seem angry. If anything they were just excited that they’d finally found you.” He smiled, the smile that made me fall in love with him all over again every time I saw it. “I’ve been trying to get hold of you for over an hour, but when you weren’t answering I started to worry that you’d just arrive back here without checking your phone, so I closed the shop and took them upstairs so you wouldn’t be as caught off guard. I thought this way, I could give you a heads-up, and you could decide before you were face-to-face with them. You don’t have to see them if you don’t want to. I can go upstairs and ask them to leave while you wait in here.”
I shook my head against his palm. “No, I want to see them.”
“Okay,” he smiled. “I was just bringing them some snacks.” He motioned to the plate of food.
“What are they like?” I asked, curious to know, even though I was about to see them.
It didn’t feel like seeing so much as meeting them though. I hadn’t known them for so long, they would be entirely different people by this point. Ten years was a long time.
His grin widened. “Jake is a mini version of you, and Matty, he’s…” he trailed off and appeared to be thinking over his answer. “Well, he’s exactly as you described him to me, except older and hotter.” He laughed and shot me a wink.
I rolled my eyes at my ridiculous husband and joined him in his laughter.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart rate, and hopped up off the stool.
I pulled at the cuffs of my leather jacket, taking it off, and looked down at myself, suddenly conscious of my outfit and whether it was presentable enough. I straightened my t-shirt and pulled the arms down a little, the soft cotton fabric stretching around my tattoo-covered biceps.
Elliott ran a hand through my hair, sweeping the brunet locks that had flopped down into my eyes—a comforting gesture he did a lot. “You look great, sweetheart,” he assured me and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. “And I’m here with you, okay? If it’s too much, or unbearably awkward, we can ask them to leave whenever you want.”
I nodded and followed behind him as he picked up the plate of food and walked up the stairs to the flat.
I never thought I’d see Jake or Matty again, and I was dreading Elliott opening the door and being met with anger.
I didn’t regret leaving them.
I sometimes thought about the what ifs, but always came to the same conclusion… I did the right thing.
I’d spent many nights wondering about them.
My brother and the other love of my life.
Were they happy?
What did they look like now?
Did Jake have the life I always wished for him?
Did Matty find someone who deserved him?
I guessed I was about to find out the answers.
The flat hadn’t changed much in the ten years since I’d first arrived there. The door opened up into a living room and kitchen area, and the same sofa and TV were in the spots—we’d bought all new furniture when we’d bought our current house and decided to leave the old furniture at the flat—and whe
n Elliott opened the door and moved to the side, my eyes immediately landed on the two men seated on the sofa.
They both looked so different, yet I’d have recognised them both from a mile away.
Jake was an adult. I knew he would be, obviously, he’d have been nineteen now, but it was startling to see. He was slimmer than me, and he wasn’t covered in tattoos like I was, but he did look a lot like me.
And Matty… Matty took my fucking breath away.
Just like he had when I was seventeen.
He was still beautiful, yet now even more so than before.
His dark hair was shorter than it had been when we were younger, but he still had a lean build, soft features, and a smile that was brighter than the sun.
I mentally kicked myself and forced my feet to move in their direction.
They heard us walk in and both turned in our direction.
My steps faltered.
“Caleb!” Jake beamed, and jumped up off the sofa. He didn’t make a move towards me, but I could tell he was itching to move closer.
I closed the gap for him, striding over to him and wrapping my arms around him. He was shorter than me—maybe five-seven or five-eight to my six feet—and I rested my chin on his head as he latched onto me.
“I missed you, so much,” I breathed, my voice thick with emotion. It was the only thing I could think to say. All other words were lost.
“I missed you too,” he said into my chest as his grip around my waist tightened. “I found you,” he whispered, so quiet I knew Elliott and Matty wouldn’t have heard it.
That reminded me that we weren’t alone in the room, so I slowly released my grip on my little brother and turned to Matty.
He was staring at me, his beautiful dark brown eyes swimming in unshed tears.
“Hi,” I choked out.
“Hi.” He looked down and picked invisible lint from his cream-coloured jumper.
I reached for Elliott out of habit, needing to touch him whenever I was feeling out of sorts. Elliott always grounded me.
I threaded my fingers through his and moved to stand at his side. He gave my hand a few gentle squeezes and shot me a quick wink and a smile.
The silence started to feel awkward—one the main fears I had about this interaction—but Elliott quickly broke it.
“I brought you both some snacks,” he picked up the plate of food that he’d placed on the side, and moved it to the small coffee table we were all now standing around. “You can all sit and talk for a while. Catch up.” He looked to me and raised one of dark-blond eyebrows as he motioned his head to the door. I knew that was his way of asking if I wanted him to leave and give us some privacy. I didn’t, so I shook my head in response, and reached for his hand again.
I needed him.
FOUR
Matty
Of course Caleb was a thousand times more attractive than I remembered him being, and of course his husband was equally attractive—because the universe didn’t play fair.
I’d always imagined what Caleb would look like as an adult, and my imagination hadn’t even nearly done him justice. He didn’t look that different from what I’d pictured, although he was far more muscular that I’d pictured, and the tattoos…
Fuck me.
He’d mentioned getting a tattoo when we were teenagers, but I’d never imagined him having so many. They suited him perfectly. He had tattoos coving both of his arms, starting on his fingers and travelling up under the arms of the fitted t-shirt he was wearing, and I could see the slight hint of tattoos peeking out of the collar of his t-shirt too.
A beard was something I’d always pictured him having, and now that I was seeing him with one, it suited him just as well as it had in my mind.
My gaze lingered on him for a little too long, taking in everything from his floppy brown hair, down to his black jeans-clad legs, before my eyes trailed to where his hand was joined tightly with Elliott’s.
That was all I needed to snap me out of whatever hole I’d fallen down.
He was married.
And even if he wasn’t, he wasn’t mine to stare wistfully at.
He hadn’t been for a very long time.
A part of me tried to drum up even a single ounce of anger or resentment towards him—for leaving me the way he did, for never coming back, for going ten years living less than an hour away without contacting me—but I couldn’t. I knew why he’d done it, and even though I still thought his decision was the wrong one, I couldn’t fault him for doing what he thought was best for Jake.
Jake had always been his priority, and his love for his brother was one of the things I loved most about him.
Used to love about him, I reminded myself.
Elliott released Caleb’s hand and dragged two chairs from the corner of the room over to the other side of the coffee table, opposite the sofa. The flat had furniture, like it could be lived in, but also had a lot of random things that I assumed were for the bakery downstairs.
Did Caleb and Elliott live in the flat?
Or was it just storage with some added furniture?
“Sit,” Elliott offered and gestured for everyone to take a seat.
I did, returning to my spot on the sofa next to Jake, as Elliott and Caleb took the seats opposite us.
I looked at Jake, checking to make sure he was okay—because while he’d once been Caleb’s priority, for the last ten years, he’d been mine—and saw that he was watching Caleb with rapt attention. Staring at him, as if in disbelief that he was actually sitting in front of his long-lost brother.
I could barely believe it myself.
None of us spoke for the longest time, until Caleb broke the silence.
“How did you find me?”
“I, um… shit,” Jake said. “Did you not want to be found? Are you angry?”
Caleb quickly shook his head. “No. I’m not angry at all, just curious,” he assured Jake, and I thought I saw his hand twitch with the urge to reach out to him. “Did you just start looking for me, or did it take you a while?”
“We never stopped,” Jake turned to me. “Well, everyone else did after a couple of years, except me and Matty.”
“A couple of years?” Caleb seemed shocked. “Everyone looked for years?”
“Of course, we did,” I answered. “You’re family. I know you weren’t a Logan for long, but we’re a persistent bunch who will do just about anything to protect our own.”
I thought I saw the hint of a smile forming on Caleb’s lips.
“It wasn’t easy, because I was looking under your old names,” Jake told Caleb. “I wasn’t expecting you to have changed your name.”
Caleb turned to Elliott and smiled so lovingly at him, my heart gave a tight squeeze.
That look had been mine once.
Nope.
Not going there.
“Yeah, Elliott and I got married less than a year after…” Caleb paused, and his eyes darted between me and Jake. “…I last saw you.”
I knew this meeting was for Caleb and Jake to reunite and get to know each other, but all I wanted to do was ask a million questions about Caleb and Elliott’s relationship.
How long after he left did they meet?
How did they meet?
Did Caleb tell Elliott about me?
Or did he just forget I existed the second he walked away?
I’m not dwelling on this, I berated myself.
I was here to support Jake.
“Do you mind if I go to the loo?” Jake asked Caleb and Elliott.
“Sure,” Elliott answered first. “It’s just through there.” He pointed to a door and Jake got up.
Once Jake was gone, a new level of awkwardness settled over the room—it had been awkward since Jake and I first arrived at the bakery, but this was so much worse.
“Matty,” Caleb said quietly. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed the way my name sounded on his lips. “I’m so sorry,” I could hear the raw emotion in his voice, and I had t
o fight back the urge to cry. I saw the same twitch in his hand that I’d seen a few minutes—like he wanted to reach out to me, but was stopping himself.
“I, um…” My voice felt like it was going to crack, so I trailed off and took a few deep breaths to regain my composure. “I never told him,” I whispered, not sure if Caleb or Elliott could even hear me. “About the reason you left, I mean.”
A look of shock passed over Caleb’s face. “Never?”
I shook my head and fiddled with the hem of my jumper, looking at it to avoid having to make eye contact with Caleb.
“It wouldn’t have helped,” I said to my lap. “I wanted to, so many times, but never did. I didn’t at first because it was still too fresh, and with the family being so involved in the situation, I would have had to tell everyone. And then the longer time went on, the harder it would have been. I didn’t want him to hate me for being the reason you left him. He’s my best friend, well, except Max obviously, and I needed to stay part of his life. Like you told me.”
“Thank you.” I risked a glance up at him. His lips were curled up into a sympathetic, yet grateful smile.
The bathroom door opened, bringing our conversation to a halt.
“So,” Jake said as he walked back into the room. “Do you two live here?”
“We used to,” Caleb answered. “Elliott lived here when I first met him, and I moved in with him. After a few years we outgrew this place and bought a house not far from here.”
Jake returned to his seat. “Cool, and you’re a baker now?”
Caleb nodded. “Yeah, Elliott taught me, and then I did a college course in baking too.”
“You’ll have to bake me something sometime,” Jake smiled, and I could see the joy that idea brought to Caleb. Knowing that this wasn’t the last he was going to see Jake.
“I’ll bake for you whenever you want,” Caleb smiled. “What do you two do now?”
Jake answered first. “I’m in my second year of uni, and Jake is a vet.”
Caleb’s expression was one of pride, though whether at Jake or me, I wasn’t sure.
“It’s so awesome that you’re at uni,” he told Jake. “And you always wanted to work with animals,” Caleb said to me.
“I did,” I replied, smiling.
