by Norman Crane
useless piece of junk," Wayne said.
So much for writing my thesis.
"Have you ever seen anything like this before?" I asked.
"Never, bud."
"What do you think it is?"
"I don't know. But keeping in mind I'm not a technician, just a guy who sells used computers and sometimes installs Skype and Acrobat Reader for people who type with one finger, I'd say the thing's been set to boot off a device with some sort of game on it."
"You mean we set it to that," I said. "Because it booted from the hard drive before."
"By typing in the password?"
"I guess."
"Then either we changed the boot order without knowing it or this is the BIOS," Wayne said. "Type something in. See what happens."
I dangled my fingers over the keyboard, trying to think of a good name for an adventurer.
Wayne cleared his throat.
I typed in John, and quickly followed with Grousewater.
> John Grousewater, an envoy from his excellency, Prince Verbamor of the Principality of Xynk, has arrived at the door of your remote stone hut. The envoy tells you that the Prince requests an immediate audience with you. Do you accept?
> yes
The screen flashed white, then beeped a midi theme and displayed a white-on-black title screen baring the words "Xynk: An Interactive Quest". Below were the names of its two developers, Tim Birch and Olaf Brandywine. I hit a key. A pixelated horse began to inch its way across a pixelated mountainous landscape.
> The Principality of Xynk is on the other side of the world.
> Your journey was long and treacherous.
"How old is this?" Wayne asked.
The screen flashed and a bolt of lightning appeared above the mountains.
> But finally you made it.
"No idea," I said.
The landscape disappeared, replaced by the command prompt.
> After paying for two nights of lodgings at THE YAWNING MASK, you pat your trusty horse, NIGEL, and make your way on foot to the massive structure that looms over the entirety of the city-state of Xynk, the famous CASTLE MOTHMOUTH.
> [OB: almost done intro description, will add soon]
> "I have summoned you, John Grousewater, because your exploits are known throughout the land. As you see, Xynk is in grave danger and needs your help. The enemy is already within. Only a reversal of the spell using the very same AMULET OF VERMILLION will thwart the evil plans of the HOODED RAT BROTHERHOOD and save us. Only you possess the ability to locate the amulet somewhere in Xynk and prepare the ingredients necessary to cast the reversal. John Grousewater, the reward for success will be great. Do you accept the mission?"
I read through the text twice before realizing that Wayne was looking at me. "Well, do you accept?"
> yes
> Xynk: An Interactive Quest is a text adventure game. It is recommended that before you begin, you read the HELP FILE. To do so now or at any time, type: READ HELP.
I typed READ HELP.
> This is placeholder text [TB: We need a help file asap]
Wayne pulled up a chair and sat down beside me. "That wasn't very helpful. You ever played one of these before?"
"I think I know the basics," I said.
> ROOM IN THE YAWNING MASK
> You are in your room in the Yawning Mask. It's bare and empty, which suits an adventurer like you just fine. In the room, you see a TABLE and a WINDOW. The only DOOR leads WEST into the HALL.
"So do your stuff, hot shot. Let's see what this baby's all about."
> examine table
> It's a wooden table. It's empty.
> examine window
> You walk to the window and look out. A cheap view for a cheap room. You see the ALLEY behind The Yawning Mask. Directly below the window, NIGEL and several other horses are eating feed from a trough.
Bells dinged as a woman walked into the store. Wayne turned his chair to face her. It made an awful scraping sound. "May I help you?"
"My computer's broken," she said.
"What's wrong with it?"
"I can't Skype."
"Is Skype installed?" Wayne asked.
"I don't really know how to check that," she said. "It worked yesterday." Wayne patted me on the shoulder and got up to work his magic at the front counter.
I vaguely heard them talking as I refocused on Xynk.
> talk to Nigel
> Nigel stops drinking for a moment and looks up. He's the best horse you've ever had, and you hope he thinks the same about you.
> talk to Nigel about Xynk
> Nigel neighs.
I'd played Zork once or twice online, so I had a grip on how these games worked. Usually, half the trouble was getting the game to understand what you wanted to do. Half the tedium was reading the same messages over and over again. To remind myself, I typed:
> examine room
> ROOM IN THE YAWNING MASK
> You are in your room in the Yawning Mask. It's bare and empty, which suits an adventurer like you just fine. In the room, you see a TABLE and a WINDOW. Someone has slid a NOTE under the door. The only DOOR leads WEST into the HALL.
A note? I scrolled up to see if that had been in the first description of the room. It hadn't.
> examine note
> There is no such object.
> "Go to EAST STORE ROOM in CASTLE MOTHMOUTH"
That was odd. I tried examining the note again and got the same result, an error message followed by a line of output. So I tried examining a few made-up objects that the game had never mentioned, like a "lantern".
> There is no such object
> "Go to EAST STORE ROOM in CASTLE MOTHMOUTH"
And:
> examine ipod
> There is no such object
> "Go to EAST STORE ROOM in CASTLE MOTHMOUTH"
> move W
> YAWNING MASK HALL
> You are standing in the hall. Your ROOM is to the EAST. A staircase leads DOWN.
I went down, and navigated my way out of The Yawning Mask after noting on my phone that the Innkeeper seemed like he could be a font of information about Xynk. I'd talk to him later. Now, I made my way through the city toward Castle Mothmouth. I stopped hearing Wayne discuss how to add and remove software in Windows 7 and started hearing the din of Xynk amidst the clicking of the Thinkpad keys. I passed The Pierced Snout Tavern and The Local Alchemist, peeked into The Library, and noted the names of all the various neighbourhoods that the command prompt threw at me. Although some of the descriptions in the game were unfinished, most were sparsely vivid and the world itself was detailed and huge. Xynk was a living and breathing place, at least as real as a text-based San Andreas.
At some point, Wayne scraped his chair and sat beside me again. "How's the adventure going, Grousewater?" he asked.
"I'm following what the note said and going to Castle Mothmouth."
"Or you could work on your thesis."
I smirked. "Thanks, Annie."
Then I remembered that Wayne had slept with her before I ever had, and the thought made me jealous.
"Seriously, buddy. I'm all about wasting time playing video games, but the ones I play usually have graphics and guns, and don't you have a meeting with your whatever-her-name is at the university in like two days?"
I did. I sighed.
> save
> Command unknown. Type HELP FILE for help.
> save game
> Command unknown. Type HELP FILE for help.
"Fuck."
Wayne picked up my phone and read the notes I'd made. "What's the matter? Did you get shivved by a homeless dude in"—He squinted.—"Vagrant's Quarter?"
"I don't know how to save," I said.
Wayne grabbed the Thinkpad's power cord and yanked it out of the socket. The Thinkpad shut off. "The bad thing about buying used laptops," Wayne said, "is that usually their batteries don't work."
I was about to reply in a witty fashion when my phone rang—
Wayne tossed it to me.
It was Annie. I accepted the connection. "Hello, honey bun," I said. "What's up?"
"Where the hell are you?"
"I'm..." Wayne pointed with his chin at a clock on the wall. "Shit," I said into the phone. I'd been at Wayne's for over three hours. How long had I been playing Xynk? It didn't seem anywhere near that long. My wife launched into an accusatory reminder that I was supposed to pick up a bag of potatoes on the way home and that I was supposed to be home by five, and that it was now almost six, and that the turkey was going to be too dry, and I moved the phone away from my ear and shrugged my shoulders at Wayne despite knowing that my wife was right. "Wherever you are, just get the potatoes and get home now," she said, and ended the call. It had long ago stopped being a blow to my ego that my wife never suspected me of having an affair.
"I've gotta run," I said to Wayne. I put my phone in my pocket, closed and picked up the Thinkpad, and rolled up and picked up its power cord.
Wayne crossed his arms.
"You should leave that piece of junk here," he said.
I waved and was out the door.
I bought the potatoes at the nearest grocery store, paying nearly double what I should have because the store catered to the upper middle-class with ceramic tiles and good lighting unlike the immigrant-focused Food Basics I usually shopped at.
I called my wife to tell her the potatoes were on their way, but she didn't answer. Maybe she was having an affair.
I also kept thinking about the note by the door in John Grousewater's room in The Yawning Mask. What could possibly be in Castle Mothmouth's east storage room, and who'd delivered the glitchy message? I'd have to try to talk to the Innkeeper about it. Maybe he saw someone come in.
I pulled into my driveway, put the laptop under my arm, grabbed the bag of potatoes with my hand and went in through the garage. Annie was waiting in the kitchen, playing a match-three fruit game on her tablet. "Nice of you to finally make it," she said.
I
