by L. D. Davis
“Lith. Lith. Dell Lith I dove er. Dell Lith I dove er.”
I couldn’t understand him, and on top of being scared about everything else, I was terrified because I couldn’t understand him. I didn’t know if there was something wrong with my brain or his, but it scared me, and I started to scream and cry again. It took me another minute, or ten, to calm again long enough to focus.
“Lith. Lith. Lith,” Gavin groaned. He struggled to keep his eyes open, though they were focused on nothing and no one. “Dell Lith I dove er.”
Then it hit me. I had a sudden understanding of his words, and I think my heart hurt more in that moment than anything else. Tell Lily I love her. That was what he was saying to me. He couldn’t quite get her name right, or any other word, but I knew that was who he meant. None of our kids’ names sounded like that. It had to be her. Maybe he wasn’t aware of what he said, but I would always remember, because that was the last thing I ever heard Gavin say.
Tell Lily I love her.
Chapter Five
Marco
Present
Her face was pale, all color bleached from her skin. Her small shoulders were hunched as if she were attempting to hide within herself like a tortoise, and her slim fingers trembled like the rest of her body as she swallowed more than half a glass of wine in two swallows. I pushed her hair away from her face and remained quiet until she was ready to talk again.
“He died a few days later. The trauma to his brain and kidneys was too much. I asked the doctors why he was able to talk in those first few minutes and they said it wasn’t uncommon. They called it Talk and Die Syndrome.”
“I am going to play devil’s advocate,” I warned softly. “Is it possible Gavin was trying to say your name, not your sister’s?”
She was quiet for several seconds before she finally answered with a helpless shrug. “I don’t know. I want to believe that in the end he really loved me, but I also know that he still loved her. I just don’t know, and I never will.”
I wanted to reassure her in some way, but even I, who loved and adored the woman beside me, had my doubts after all she’d told me.
“I’ve never talked to anyone about any of this,” Lydia said in a voice that shook. “No one ever knew about my marital problems, and I was afraid to confide in anyone. I didn’t have many friends, and none close enough to talk to like that. I felt that anyone who knew my history with Gavin and Lily would think I got what I deserved.”
“Even your mother?”
She snorted derisively. “Especially her. We’re closer now, but sometimes I can’t help feeling resentment toward her for leaving and staying away. She wasn’t there for me, and she missed out on a lot with her grandchildren.”
“It seems like she has been trying to make that up to you over the past year and a half.”
“Yeah, she has. I just have to find a way to get past it and let it go.”
There was a lot she had to get past and let go, I realized with surprising trepidation.
“I know you wanted to talk, but can we finish tomorrow?” Her eyes were heavy from crying, drinking wine, and the long day that lay behind us.
I tucked her hair behind her ear, allowing my fingers to linger on her cheek. Despite how I felt, I still loved to touch her in that way, to feel the silkiness of her hair and her soft skin.
“Of course, Tesoro. Let’s go to bed.”
Lydia was asleep almost instantly after she curled into me, but my eyes remained open through most of the night as I mentally ran through her story again and again, with a growing sense of disquiet in my heart.
I woke up before her, despite how little sleep I got. For many minutes, I lay on my side and watched her sleep. Maybe some other man would make a reference to her angelic beauty and relaxed features, but I bit back an amused smile and watched a line of drool roll out of the side of her open mouth as she lightly snored. Unafraid of her slobber, I placed a light kiss on her lips before I quietly slipped out of bed.
Downstairs, I bypassed my laptop still in its bag by the door and headed for the kitchen. I had plenty of work to do, people to speak to, and emails to send out, but it would have to wait. My job had come first for almost two decades, but I had no reservations about sliding it to the back burner for Lydia or the children. I needed her to know it, that I would do anything for her. For almost anyone else in the universe, my actions would have shown that already, but Lydia needed further confirmation of my feelings for her, and I was not sure how to do that—or if I could do that. Her relationship with Gavin left her so disenchanted, she could not even trust her own feelings, let alone mine. I felt truly discouraged for the first time since I’d begun to pursue her. That was a new emotion for me, and I wasn’t quite sure yet how to handle it.
I had just finished mixing the batter for waffles when I heard her careful progress down the stairs. She appeared in the doorway a moment later, hair disheveled, cheeks pink, and sleep clothes rumpled. Damn, lei era adorabile.
“Buongiorno amore,” I greeted her with a smile.
“Buongiorno. Come stai?”
My eyebrows rose and my eyes widened with delighted surprise. She’d mocked my Italian words before, but she had never actually spoken to me in my language, not even in the simplest of phrases. “Sto bene e tu?”
Her brow furrowed with concentration. “Umm. Sto bene?”
I chuckled. “Che Meraviglia! When did you learn Italian?”
“I didn’t learn much, just a few words.”
For the first time, I noticed she did not meet my eyes, but looked at some point lower on my face. Her arms were folded in a way that some may think defensive, but it seemed more like she was trying to protect herself. She lingered just outside the kitchen, as if she were afraid to enter, and there was a vulnerable look on her face I’d never seen before. I had the impression Lydia feared my rejection, and that broke my heart.
“Vieni Qui,” I said softly and held out a hand to her.
There was a brief hesitation, but then she did come to me. Before she could throw up any of her walls and defenses, I engulfed her in an embrace. After a moment, she let out a soft sigh and her body relaxed against mine.
“I thought you left,” she mumbled into my chest.
“Why would you think that?” I knew why she would think that, but I wanted to hear her say it.
“I thought you realized what a hot mess I really was and decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.”
“Oh, Bellezza Mia. You are a hot mess, but you’ve been a hot mess since I first met you.” I laughed when she pushed away far enough to glare up at me, but I did not let her go. I pulled her closer again and touched the tip of my nose to hers. “You are worth everything.”
She stared up at me, bottom lip between her teeth, doubt in her eyes.
I lifted her, making her release a small squeak of surprise as her arms flung around my neck. I spun around and sat her on the countertop and stood between her legs, my hands on her hips.
I decided to get right down to the heart of things. “I know last night was hard for you. You should know that I still want you, Lydia, more now than ever, but I will not lie to you.”
Her body grew rigid beneath my palms, and she barely seemed to breathe as she watched and waited for me to finish.
“For the first time since meeting you, I am not feeling very confident. I do not know if I’ll ever gain your full trust or be able to do enough to convince you that I love and want you for who you are. You doubt yourself, and you blame yourself for not living up to Gavin’s expectations, for the way he treated you, and for his death. You see me and think I am more than what you deserve, because of what? Money? Because of your beautiful body?” I purposely put my hand on her injured leg to make my point. “You wonder what it is I see in you, why I want you. I can spill words out all day and all night and not run out of reasons why, but first and foremost, Lydia, I see your strength and enormous heart.”
Her gaze dropped, shame burning in her cheeks.
“I’m not strong.”
I lifted her chin with one finger until her eyes met mine again.
“You are the strongest person I know. After that accident, you could have given up entirely, on everything and everyone, but you did not. You did what you had to do to care for your children and even your mother when she fell ill. You’ve set your own broken emotions and your needs aside without hesitation. You try so hard every day for your children, your mom, and even your sister. I see how much you love them all, how you would do anything for any one of them. You love fiercely. I just wonder…”
I slowly pushed her hair from her face and let my fingers linger on her slender neck. Her eyes shimmered with tears and her perfect lips trembled, but she otherwise remained still and silent.
“I wonder if you have room for me in that heart of yours? I don’t know if you do. I don’t know if you really want me, or if you have just been along for the ride. I don’t know if you love me, or if you ever will. For a while, I thought all that would come in time, but I am not so sure now if you will ever give me or yourself the chance.”
“Is this the part where you leave?” she asked in a broken voice as one tear escaped her eye.
“No, Tesero.” I wiped the tear away with the pad of my thumb. “I’m not going anywhere, and that could either be the best thing I’ve ever done, or the worst. You will either make me the happiest man alive, or you will break me.”
Her brows furrowed together. “You mean, you would want to be with me even with the knowledge that I might not ever love you, or that I might break your heart?”
I shrugged. “I am completely, utterly, helplessly in love with you, Lydia. I will stay with you until you have beaten me away with sticks. Or a restraining order.”
She let out a teary laugh and linked her fingers behind my neck, bringing me closer to her.
“I don’t want to beat you away with sticks. I don’t want to get a restraining order, either.”
My heart raced like never before as I slid my hands to the small of her back. “Too much work?”
“Way too much work. It’s much easier just to love you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “One would think.”
Our eyes were locked together. Hers were still wet with unspent tears, and there was fear in those depths, but there was also something else.
“Marco?”
“Yes, Lydia?”
A soft kiss, and then another.
“I love you.”
I thought my heart would explode in my chest just then. My grin was so wide it hurt my face. I wanted to run out into the yard and shout, “She loves me! She loves me!” I wanted to walk up to random people on the street and say “Hey, she loves me.”
“I love you, too, Tesoro.”
Chapter Six
Lydia
The hardest conversation I’d ever had was on the day I’d come home from the hospital after the accident. I had to talk to my children about their father’s passing, about my injuries, and convince them I was not going to die. My conversation with Marco last night was the second hardest conversation I’d ever had. My emotions were all over the place, and no matter how hard I tried to suppress them, to bottle them back up, I had no control over how I felt or what I thought. What I needed was a distraction, and my job at the bookstore was perfect for that.
After breakfast with Marco, even after our romantic, cinema-worthy scene in the kitchen, he seemed to understand that I needed some space. He went to his makeshift office at the dining room table and I went upstairs. By the time he dropped me off at work a couple hours later, I felt a little steadier. Halfway through my six-hour shift on a busy Saturday, only a little more than six weeks from Christmas, I was able to function almost normally again. The feelings were still there, but they weren’t so close to the surface that I felt like I was drowning in them. After some consideration with a clearer mind, I thought that even though I didn’t want to be completely saturated in those emotions, I couldn’t hide them away again. Doing so in the past did more harm than good, and maybe not just to me, but maybe to my kids, too.
It was going to be hard to adjust, to get used to letting myself feel—not just all the bad stuff, but even the good. I told Marco I loved him, and although that wasn’t in my top three of the hardest things to say, it was for sure in my top five or six. I let him in, and I would need to get accustomed to him being there and try my hardest not to push him out. Finally, I was beginning to believe our relationship could work, but I was still terrified it wouldn’t. Like I said, my emotions and thoughts were all over the place.
Marco was already outside waiting for me when my shift ended. He stood against the passenger’s side of the SUV, one jean-clad leg crossed over the other, wearing a tight gray sweater over a white collared shirt, arms crossed, smoldering and catching the notice of every bi or heterosexual woman and every bi or gay man within a ten-block radius. I stopped in my tracks and just stared at him, my brain short-circuiting. I couldn’t believe he was mine, like for real mine. I couldn’t believe he loved me of all people.
He beckoned me with a curl of his finger. “Vieni qui.”
My feet moved again, and I found it funny that my heart was beating too fast, like I was in high school talking to my crush all over again. When I reached him, he didn’t hesitate to put his hands on my waist, pull me against his body, and kiss me as if he hadn’t seen my face in weeks instead of hours.
“Ciao,” he murmured against my lips.
I was breathless, smiling stupidly. “Hi.”
After another brief but no less salacious kiss, he helped me into the Range Rover.
“I have something to tell you,” he said after we were on our way. “I wanted to wait until we got back home, but I didn’t want you to think I was keeping anything from you.”
Instantly, I was on high alert, sitting straighter in my seat, and bracing myself.
Of, course, it would be just after that earth-shattering and extremely revealing conversation last night, and after I confessed my love to him that he would decide to break my heart. I would never open myself to anyone again. Ever. I would close myself off, and—
“It’s not about us,” he rushed to say when he caught a glimpse of my face. “Not exactly.”
I didn’t let my guard down yet. “Then what is it about?”
He sighed, suddenly seeming weary. “I know I said I would not leave you, and figuratively speaking, I will not. Physically, however, I need to go back to Italy. As soon as possible. I don’t want to be too far from my brother and the rest of the family right now, not until he starts to get better. I thought I could wait some time, but today, I spent hours on the phone with Celia and my mother and Massimo. Everyone is afraid—my brother, too, even though he won’t say so. I don’t want to leave you and the kids, but I need to go.”
I didn’t want him to go, especially since we had just crossed into new territory within our relationship, but I couldn’t tell him that. It wouldn’t be fair. I would be the biggest dick if I told him I wanted him to stay. Besides, I knew pancreatic cancer was a bitch. Many people didn’t even know they had it until it was too late, and they weren’t sure yet if it was too late for Massimo. If it was too late, he could have very little time.
My face softened with understanding. “Of course you have to go.”
His chest expanded, as if he’d been holding his breath. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”
“It’s okay.”
He took his eyes off the road long enough to give me an arched eyebrow.
“Are you eager to be rid of me?”
My lips quirked up on one side. “Yeah, but your brother really helped me out. I don’t have to get out the sticks.”
There was a hint of a smile on his face. “You are inappropriately hilarious.”
“It’s really the only reason you love me.”
“Obviously. You have no other redeeming qualities.”
I threw a hand up. “I’ve been telling you that all al
ong.”
He laughed softly and reached out to touch my face. “I am so glad to see you smile.”
“Is that what that uncomfortable sensation is on my face?”
We coasted to a stop at a red light, giving Marco the opportunity to really look at me.
“I know this is a bad time for me to leave. We still have much to discuss and work out.”
“Your brother and the rest of your family need you there.”
There was a short silence as his attention shifted between me and the still red light and back to me. His voice was lower than before, almost a whisper. “And what of my family here?”
I thought I was the vulnerable one, but for the first time, I saw vulnerability in Marco’s eyes. He needed some reassurance that I wasn’t going to be the one to back out. He needed to really feel that I was with him, and that I meant my words earlier in my kitchen.
Trembling, I reached for his hand and held it between both of mine. “We’ll be here when you come back.”
The light was about to change, and there was a whole line of traffic behind us, but Marco didn’t care. He unbuckled his seatbelt, leaned across the center console and kissed me tenderly with horns blaring all around us like a chorus to our own love song.
“No,” I said a half hour later. We were back home, facing off in the living room.
“Yes.”
I shook my head. “No. No way.”
Marco sighed and again tried to pass me the titanium rectangle of doom.
“Lydia, I don’t know how long I will be gone. You may need something—winter clothes for the kids, cab fare, or to pay a babysitter when you don’t have Maureen. The leak in the bathroom needs to be repaired.”
