He isn’t either.
Yes, he is going to meet with Derrick and his buddies. Pictures of his teammates flit through my mind. I wonder which ones have decided on this plan. The ones who were pretty cool weren’t really friends with my ex. That should have been a clear signal. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Not dumb, just blinded.
Right, and I am not letting that happen again. Instead, I am preparing for an end in sight for Shan and me. It’s coming; I can feel it, and I don’t blame him in the least. Maybe I should just end it first. Make the smart decision and let him off the hook. He didn’t ask for any of this.
Neither did you, and he knew very well about Derrick before you even spoke your first words. Don’t think for a minute he hadn’t been scoping you out as much as you were him.
Shan didn’t know the real nitty-gritty of it. He probably just thought Derrick was an asshole, which he is, but not everything he was doing. I mean, I will never forget his face and those words on the day he saw my eye.
“Those are the ones who can do the most damage,” he said. “It’s the ones who love them that change.”
He may have thought I was less damaged when eyeing me from afar. Boy was he surprised.
You are not damaged.
But I don’t trust love or my heart anymore. I don’t trust that this will blow over. There’s still too long of a jagged road to go.
I need to let him go.
But you don’t know if that’s what he wants.
This is not going to be about what some guy wants—not this time. It’s going to be about what I want to do, need to do. I will trust these unruly, winged critters in my stomach this time.
He won’t want to let you go.
It’s not his decision. I won’t be controlled. Not again. Not this time.
But don’t you love him?
Tears burn, set afire like the paint streaking down Shan’s car, which comes to life in my mind’s eye. The picture changes to him racing into a burning house, carrying his mom in his arms to the screams of the evil monster who was left there to die.
He deserves happiness. This is only bringing the horror back.
Something like that never leaves you.
But you don’t have to have a constant reminder, and I have myself to take care of. I can’t worry about whether I’m hurting him or not all of the time.
It’s too much.
And with that, I convince myself, and my other self, of what I should do. I am not sure what happened to that first inner voice. The timid one. The worried one. The one who didn’t trust a thing.
Chapter 12
Break
~
Nia supports me with more than tissues. The chocolate keeps coming, as do the strong cocktails.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” she probes.
“I have to.”
“But he said that things went well with Derrick,” she pleads. “He doesn’t think he did it. There was proof he wasn’t at either place.”
Yes, that may have been the case, but what didn’t sit well was the text that explained all of this, not a phone call, and the subsequent brush-off after that, which kept him from calling or even messaging before.
“It’s over, Nia. At least for now. I’m not going through this, and I can tell he’s thinking the same thing.” I sniffle. “It’s best for both of us.”
“Okay.” She sniffles in response. She’s a sympathetic crier. You should see her in movies or during commercials. “Are you ready?”
I’ve been staring at his contact name on my phone for an hour.
“No.” I weep as my voice comes out as a croak. “But I have to.”
The line rings and Nia shuffles back and forth on her bed trying to decide if she should come in close to listen or give me space. She stays at a distance, knowing she’ll hear all about it afterward.
“Hi there.” Oh, God, he seems happy. “I have been meaning to call you all day. Lab was crazy and so was practice.”
What am I doing? Am I making a huge mistake? A false start on the blocks?
“It’s okay. I just needed to talk to you really quick, if this is a good time.”
“Yes, of course. What’s up? Is everything okay?”
“I think it will be. For both of us.” I swallow down my many winged flutterers once again and plow ahead. “I know this isn’t the relationship you would have willingly chosen for yourself, and none of this is fair to you, so I think, I mean before it gets too serious, before one of us gets hurt, that we, that we…”
“April? Are you breaking things off with me? Everything is okay, really.” Shan’s rapid footsteps signal he’s moving quickly, followed by a closing door. “I know I’ve been off lately, it was just hard for a couple of days, but it’s okay, really.”
Part of me wants to change my mind, but only for a second. It’s been a sucky year with Derrick, and now that I am clawing my way out of this mess, I can’t bring Shan along. This isn’t only about protecting him; it’s also about me—my heart. The one Derrick broke, and though it’s been mending, I can’t let it crack too deep along those scars by loving and losing Shan.
You do love him.
I think I have been falling in love with him for a while now. Before we even spoke.
“I’ve thought a lot about this, and please know this isn’t easy for me.” Not at all. “I know I’m triggering you and your distance from that is triggering me. We are in a cycle and I can’t, I just can’t recreate confusion for me now. Not again.”
“I’m not Derrick. I am not going to hurt you.” His exhale is nearly a moan. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately. It’s my fault. It won’t happen again. I swear.”
The words, from a different mouth, yet the same.
It’s not the same. He’s right. He’s not Derrick.
I think we are on the same team now, and I’m still April, and I know myself, perhaps better than I ever have before, and this is just not the right time. It isn’t anyone’s fault.
“I am not blaming you. I’m not blaming myself either. It’s the circumstances. It’s my past mingling with yours. It’s not good for either of us.”
This sucks.
“Don’t I have a say here? I know I screwed up, but this means so much to me. I…you mean so much to me.”
I will not cry.
“And you to me. All I keep thinking is that things will get better after the court hearing, after the restraining order is issued, after Derrick leaves me alone, after this or that, but I can’t settle myself if I keep hoping for more time to pass or by worrying about how this is hurting you.”
“I can handle this. I want to. Just give me another chance. Give us another chance.”
“Shan, look at what’s happened so far. Your car. A fire. What if it gets worse? This is all because of me and you’re acting like it isn’t.”
“It isn’t…”
But I ignore him and keep driving ahead. My mind is set, and I won’t ignore my worries or my gut again. “After what you and your family went through, this can’t be something you want in your life. Not again. What would I say to your mom if I did come with you over spring break? I’m sure she knows all about me. Do you really think she wants this for her son? A girlfriend she already saw in a domestic violence support group?”
Dead Silence. Two deep inhales to calm myself, and then two more.
“She’s excited to have you over. She even has another room for you to stay in so you can spend a few days with us.” His shoes hit the floor at a quick pace, before pausing in what I assume is him turning and continuing in the other direction. “Will you at least think about it? Maybe just come for dinner one night?”
Just think about it, at least. You might learn something. It might help, plus you have nearly two weeks before break anyhow. That’s lots of time to think.
“I’ll think about it. But, Shan, if I do come, it needs to be just as friends, for now. It isn’t only for you, though I care about you enough for it to be a b
ig part of it. This is really for me. I need some time.”
“I get it. I mean I don’t want it to be this way, but I respect what you want.” His voice cracks just enough to clench my lungs in mid-inhale. “I backed away, and I’m sorry. I knew I was doing it but didn’t want to call it quits or push ahead without knowing if I could be what you need or if I could separate my past from our relationship. If it even makes a difference, and maybe it won’t for now, but I want you to know that I do know. I know I want you. Every part of you. The healing parts, broken parts, the parts we don’t even know about yet. All of you. When you’re ready.”
I don’t even know when I started crying. The salty droplets plummet soundlessly and practically imperceptible in this heart-wrenching moment. All I can focus on is breathing and not letting him know I am bawling over here, overflowing with emotion as tiny ocean-rivers leak from my eyes, drop from my lashes, and run along my cheeks down to my collarbone.
You love him.
Yes, but it isn’t the time. He may think he knows, but he doesn’t. He can’t.
How can you be certain?
I’m not. But I’m also not ready for this love thing so soon, not yet. It hurt too much before.
“Thank you for understanding, and I am sor–– I mean I know I must be making things so complicated for you.” I will not apologize.
“You need to take care of you, and I get that,” he replies. “You may not believe me, but I was getting ready to call you. I was just waiting on some information. I do think Derrick has gotten the picture. He was served, and from the sounds of it, the coaches are tired of covering his ass. Apparently, his parents just found out. They’d been kept out of the loop. His roommate overheard him talking to his mom and dad and he was bawling after. You did the right thing, April.”
“I wish I could fall onto blind faith and believe the worst is behind me, but you don’t know Derrick like I do.” No one would want to. “When you met with him, what did he say exactly? Did he deny screwing up your car and the trash can fire?”
“He wasn’t near either of those spots when it all went down. I don’t think Derrick or his crew are lying. His guys were giving him serious heat about putting the team in jeopardy, but they’re also his alibi.” His pause wasn’t for me to jump in just yet. “You were justified in thinking it was him. The timing was all there, plus he’s a total dickhead, so why wouldn’t it be him? But it looks like just some random crap, or at least the fire. The campus police are still looking into campus rivalry for the paint job on my car.”
“That’s good to hear.” I sigh. What else can I say. I had been all spun up about what Derrick was doing to screw with this new relationship between me and Shan, and now I am left with a story unfolding that points to just coincidence and paranoia. On my part.
You have good reason—many of them…
“April, all of the signs pointed in his direction. I don’t blame you for being suspicious. Hell, you may not have known it, ’cause I was trying to help and instead I ended up messing things up, but I didn’t discount him either.”
“I don’t blame me either,” I snap. “See, this is why I need a step back. Now I’m letting the fact that he didn’t do anything impact us. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“I deserve it,” he admits. “The word ‘blame’ is pretty much a cussword in my house. I don’t always say the right things.”
“It’s okay. In time I won’t be as sensitive, or mistrusting. You deserve that, Shan.”
“So do you. Think about dinner, please? We are friends, you know, and as my friend I would love you to meet my mom and my sister, Clara. She’ll be home from school,” he says with a sudden lightness to his voice. “It’s been forever since I’ve seen her, and she’s been wanting to meet you.”
Clara doesn’t come home much, deciding to attend a high school abroad for a semester after their father died. The semester turned into a year and then another.
“Just give me a while to think. I also need to figure out my time at home as well.” I thought I was decided, but I hesitate, not wanting to let Shan go for good. “What night would you want me to come for dinner? My drive is five hours to get home.”
“Yeah, I remember. Clara will be home before break starts, but has to return before it’s over, so maybe before you go you can come by? It’s only about an hour away. Though I know it’s in the wrong direction for you.”
“Okay, I’ll let you know.” My tears have become itchy, dried rivers of salt along both sides of my face. “Thank you for understanding. I don’t want to close the book on us; please know that. I just need to close another one first. Something I should have done a long time ago.”
“I understand, and I’m here for you. I always will be. And please believe me, even though I failed to prove it to you before, I can handle anything that comes our way with Derrick.” He bites off the “k” like grit hit his teeth. “I won’t turn my back on you because of what happened to my family. I promise you. I hope you can believe that so you’re left with at least one thing you can set aside while you take the time you need.”
“Okay,” I answer shakily. “Thank you.”
“I really am sorry, for all of it. I was a jerk and I took too long to figure that out.”
“Thank you,” I manage.
“Goodbye, April. I respect your space, but I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay,” I squeak. “Goodbye.”
Tears reignite the dead sea on my skin. I barely mange to press the end button before my body is racked with sobs and heaves, nearly unnaturally so, from deep inside my being. I’ve never felt like this before. The pain of not having what I want—not because I couldn’t have it, but because I was protecting myself from it—is excruciating. Is it logical? It doesn’t matter. What has to happen is something I didn’t let happen before. I will build myself first, consider myself first, and if Shan is still there when I’m finally whole, then I will unleash this love breaking apart inside of me. I will knit it back together, piece by piece, and I will give it to him when I am ready, and when I know his ability to give me time, space, and to do the same for himself proves he is really able to do this, and that my past won’t haunt both of us forever.
Is spotting a liar a super power? If so, I need some spandex and a mask, stat. The man sitting across from me, across from his massive desk that puts both actual space and arrogant space between him and anyone sitting across from him, looks more like a slick businessman than a dean of a public college. Oh, his words sound right on, just like his choice of vest, suit, and tie are all spot-on, but it doesn’t make the look and sound of things appealing. On the contrary, I can’t help the curl of my nose coming from a smell I can’t place at first, but the vulgar tingling triggers my super powers, and I know instantly it’s the stench of lies. He continues to talk, and I let it flow in and out of me, like a wave of deception slithering across my body and spilling out behind me. It doesn’t stick, I’m not sold, and the bead of sweat on his brow proves he knows it as well.
Dean Harnett. The cad. The great deceiver. And perhaps the soon-to-be ex-dean if everything I’ve been privy to over these past ten days comes to fruition.
It all began with an odd mixture of phone calls and this dastardly meeting leading up to a much-needed spring break. From the school counseling center to the athletic department, it was a barrage of questions I didn’t answer, per Maggie’s instructions. She wasn’t taking any chances with a possibility of manipulation or coercion—without her presence, that is. She’d love to catch them all in the act so she can find some heads to roll.
Though the dean’s office was adamant they weren’t aware of what was happening in their athletic department, let alone their campus security, Maggie and Karen weren’t giving them any slack, unless it could be used for them to slowly unravel and hang themselves. Coach Banner appeared to be the scapegoat in all of this, the soccer coach appearing to be the most involved, but not with the most to lose.
It was this meetin
g in Dean Harnett’s office that we accepted, after the third time they requested one. Maggie decided it might be a good way to record any admission of neglect to take with us to the court. Though the dean was, instead, evading his guilt and throwing the book at his coach, a man he claims has fooled him and vows it would never happen again.
“Do you know how many reports of assault have been made on Crimson State’s campus over the last two years, Dean?” Maggie asks.
“Oh, I’m sure I can get that number from somewhere. Helen?” His holler is cut short.
“No need, Dean. We have that information here. It’s three hundred cases.” This causes a twitch to unleash in the dean’s left eye. “And do you know how many of the reports have led to any action, of any sort, by the school?”
“Helen!”
Maggie slides a document across the table. “Five, sir. Five, and those weren’t even the ones with the most violent of accusations.” Maggie stands and puts her hand on my shoulder as a signal to rise as well. “You’ve done more than let Derrick Tinn harass one young woman. You’ve let many of your students down. And, Dean, we’re coming for you.”
“Helen!”
Helen isn’t coming. She’s been the leak to the two badass women on my side, on the side of justice, and she’s getting ready to start her new job with Maggie’s firm.
“A woman who can put up with what’s been happening in this college and continued to play their game to help us nail their asses belongs with us,” Maggie had shared with a sly smirk when we were walking into this meeting. “He’s never going to know what hit him.”
And he didn’t. His dumbfounded look when we leave is one of flitting thoughts and desperation. He is out of a job, and he knows it.
“Once this goes public, he’ll have a hard time getting a job taking orders, let alone giving them.”
I admit it feels good, but it isn’t over yet, and I am dreading the court appearance with Derrick and his family. Deciding it is time to go big or go home, I swallow my pride and fear of facing their inevitable disappointment by finally letting my parents and sister know about what is happening. It will be better coming from me before one of the other students from my high school catches wind of this and the rumors circle the campus. Mom would be pissed if she heard it from Sally, the gossip queen, and not from me.
A Protector's Touch: A New Adult College Romance & Romantic Suspense Novel Page 10
