back our Earth. If you love me, you can proveit."
"It's no test of love to make a man give up the goal that means his lifeto him. You'd despise me forever if I let you do that to me. I'd ratheryou went away from me now with the feeling you have at this time,because I'd know I had your love--"
Bonnie remained still and unmoving in his arms, her face averted fromhis. He put his hand to her chin and turned her face to him. "You dolove me, Bonnie? That hasn't changed, has it?"
She put her head against his chest and rocked from side to side as if insome agony. "Oh, no--Mark! That will never change. Damn you, Ashby, damnyou--"
* * * * *
In the control room Ashby and Miller groaned aloud to each other, and atechnician looked at them questioningly, his hand on a switch. Ashbyshook his head and stared at the scene before him.
Jorden shook Bonnie gently in his arms. "Ashby?" he said. "Who's Ashby?"
Bonnie looked up, the blank despair on her face again. "I don'tremember--" she said haltingly. "Someone I used to--know--"
"It makes no difference," Jorden said. "What matters is that you love meand you're going to stay with me. Let's put these things away now,darling. I know how you've felt the past week, but we've got to put itbehind us and look forward to the future. Roddy would want it that way."
"There's no future to look forward to," said Bonnie dully. "Nothing hereon Serrengia. There's no meaning to any of us being here. I'm going backto Earth."
"It does have a meaning! If I could only make you see it. If you couldonly understand why I had to come--"
"Then tell me if you know! You've never tried to tell me. You live as ifyou know something so deep and secret you can live by it every hour ofyour life and find meaning in it. But I can only guess at what it isyou've chosen for your god. If it's anything but some illusion, put itinto words and make me know it, too!"
"I've never tried," said Jorden hesitantly. "I've never tried to put itinto words. It's something I didn't know was in me until I heard of thechance to colonize Serrengia. And then I knew I had to come.
"It's like a growing that you feel in every cell. It's a growing out andaway, and it's what you have to do. You're a sperm--an ovum--and if youdon't leave the parent body you die. You don't have to hate what youleave behind as James and Boggs and so many of the others do. It gaveyou life, and for that you're grateful. But you've got to have a life ofyour own.
"It's what I was born to do, Bonnie. I didn't know it was there, but nowI've found it I can't kill it."
"You have to kill it--or me."
"You don't mean that. You're part of me. You've been a part of me solong you feel what I feel. You're lying, Bonnie, when you say you'regoing away. You don't want to go. You want to go on with me, butsomething's holding you back. What is it, Bonnie? Tell me what it isthat holds you back!"
Her eyes went wide. For a moment she thought he was talking out of thereal situation, not the make-believe of the test. Then she recognizedthe impossibility of this. Her eyes cast a pleading glance in thedirection of the observation tubes.
Ashby spoke fiercely: "Go on, Bonnie! Don't lose the tension. Push him.We've got to know. He's almost there!"
She moved slowly to the dresser where she had laid Jorden's huntingknife previously, as if with no particular intent. Now, out of sight ofJorden, her hand touched it. She picked it up.
Ashby's voice came again. "Bonnie--move!"
She murmured, "Lost--"
And then she whirled about, knife in hand. She cried aloud. "I can't goon any further! Can't you see this is enough? Stop it! Stop it--"
Jorden leaped for the knife.
In the observation room a technician touched a switch.
* * * * *
Ashby felt the subdued elation of success reached after a long andstrenuous effort. Bonnie was seated across the desk from him, but he satat an angle so that he could see the four hulls out of the corner of hiseye. One and Two had made their test flights and the others would not befar behind. The expedition would be a success, too. There was no longerany doubt of that, because he knew now where to look for adequatepersonnel.
"I'm glad I didn't foul up your test completely, anyway," said Bonnieslowly. "Even if what you say about Mark shouldn't turn out to be true."
Ashby moved his chair around to face her directly. She was rested, andhad gone through a mental re-orientation which had removed some of thetension from her face.
"You didn't foul it up at all," he said. "We went far enough to learnthat he would have survived even your suicide, and would have continuedin his determination to carry the colony forward. Nothing but his owndeath will stand in his way if he actually sets out on such a project.Are you completely sure you want to be tied to such a single purposedman as Mark Jorden is?"
"There's no doubt of that! But I just don't feel as if I can face himnow--with his knowing.... How can I ever be sure his feeling for me wasnot merely induced by the test experience, and might change as time goeson? You should have wiped it all out, and let us start over fromscratch. It would have been easier that way."
"There isn't time enough before the ships leave. But why should we haveerased it all? We took away the postulates of the test and left Bonniein his memory. His love for you didn't vanish when the test postulateswent. As long as he has a memory of you he will love you. So why makehim fall in love with you twice? No use wasting so much important timeat your age. Here he comes--"
Bonnie felt she couldn't possibly turn around as the door opened behindher. She heard Mark's moment of hesitation, his slow steps on thecarpet. Ashby was smiling a little and nodding. Then she felt the hardgrip of Mark's hands on her shoulders. He drew her up and turned her toface him. Her eyes were wet.
"Bonnie--" he said softly.
* * * * *
Ashby turned to the window again. The gantry cranes were hoistingmachinery in Hull Three. Maybe he had been wrong about there not beingenough time between now and takeoff for Mark and Bonnie to discover eachother all over again. They worked pretty fast. But then, as he hadmentioned, why waste time at their age?
They were smiling, holding tight to each other as Ashby turned back fromthe window.
"They tell me I passed," said Jorden. "I'm sorry about taking your bestSocial Examiner away from you--but as you told me in the beginning thiscolonization business is a family affair."
"Yes--that happens to be one of the few things I was right about." Ashbymotioned them to the chairs. "Through you we located our major error. Itwas our identifying rebellion with colonization ability. Colonization isnot a matter of rebellion at all. The two factors merely happen toaccompany each other at times. But the essence of colonization is agrowth factor--of the kind you so very accurately described when Bonniepushed you into digging up some insight on the matter. It is so oftenassociated with rebellion because rebellion is or has been,historically, necessary to the exercise of this growth factor.
"The American Colonists, for example, were rebels only incidentally. Asa group, they possessed a growth factor forcing them beyond the confinesof the culture in which they lived. It gave them the strength forrebellion and successful colonization. And it is so easy to confusecolonists of that type with mere cutthroats, thugs, and misfits. Thelatter may or may not have a sufficiently high growth factor. In anycase, their primary drive is hate and fear, which are wholly inadequatemotives for successful colonization.
"The ideal colonist does not break with the parent body, nor does hemerely extend it. He creates a new nucleus capable of interchange withthe parent body, but not controlled by it. He wants to build beyond thecurrent society, and the latter is not strong enough to pull him backinto it. Colonization may take everything else of value in life and givenothing but itself in return, but the colonists' desire for new life andgrowth is great enough to make this sufficient. It is not a meretransplant of an old life. It is conception and gestation and birth.
"Our
present society allows almost unlimited exercise of the growthfactor in individuals, regardless of how powerful it may be. That is whywe have failed to colonize the planets. They offer no motive orsatisfaction sufficient to outweigh the satisfactions already available.As a result we've had virtually no applicants coming to us because ofhampered growth. You are one of the very few who might come under ourpresent approach. And even a very slight change of occupationalconditions would have kept you from coming. You didn't want thedepartment leadership offered you, because it would limit
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