by Eric Vall
“I’m fine,” she admitted. “It’s just … I’ve never eaten human food before. In all of my millennia of serving Asmodeus, all I’ve ever gotten to eat is Vargrat meat and stale bread, with the occasional sip of wine or beer if he was feeling generous. I don’t even know where to start.”
“It’s easy!” I promised the succubus. “Just pick it up, shove it in your mouth, and then chew and swallow. Here, try this one.”
I picked up a slice of zucchini bread from the platter, quickly slathered a dollop of butter onto it, and held it out for Mirage to take.
The bread must have been fresh out of the oven, because the creamy butter melted instantly and glistened atop the slice’s surface texture.
Mirage’s eyes shone with anticipation as she reached out and took the bread from my hand.
“This is zucchini bread,” I explained to the madame, “it’s more on the bland side, but that makes it a great gateway breakfast.”
“Oh no, Jakey!” Todd gasped through a mouthful of muffin. “That’s just the D.A.R.E. program’s propaganda talking, bro. There is no such thing as ‘gateway drugs,’ and we all know it!”
“Rigggghhht.” I shook my head and then watched as Mirage bit into her slice of bread.
The madame chewed the food curiously for a moment as her neglected taste buds tried to register what the fuck she was experiencing. Then her entire face lit up, and she swallowed the bite of bread down with a large gulp.
“This--This is incredible!” Mirage admitted with wide eyes. “And you said this isn’t even the best one?”
“Not even close,” I chuckled.
I picked up my fork, snatched up a large cinnamon roll from the platter, and plopped it down in front of Mirage. Then I motioned for her to pick up her knife and fork and cut into it.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think she understood my message.
Mirage picked up the sticky bun, lifted it to her mouth, and shoved the entire thing in. She seemed to struggle to get it chewed down into manageable pieces, but she eventually had the whole thing devoured.
“Jacob … ” she grinned, “I think I like Earth Realm food. Is there any way to have it brought down to the Fourth Circle?”
“Brrroooooo,” Todd clapped his hands together as the lightbulb came on. “We need to create a fucking Uber Eats for Hell! We could call it ‘The Divine Delivery’ and could totally send succubi or other imps or Tartaruchi or whatever up to Earth to buy the grub and bring it back down for the different demons’ enjoyment. We could be millionaires, bro!”
“I dunno if there’s really a market for that,” I admitted, “but I’m willing to try anything.”
The five of us continued devouring the delicious food until there was nothing left but a silver platter with a literal mountain of crumbs. Then we gulped down our gourmet coffees, sat back in our chairs, and tried to breathe through the bloat.
“I hope we don’t get attacked right now, bro,” Todd groaned and patted his potbelly. “Because if we do, you’re totally gonna have to roll me outta here.”
“I don’t know if I’d be much better,” I admitted to the imp. “I think we’re all going to be waddling out of here.”
“Not without a deal, we won’t be,” Sia spoke up.
“A deal?” Aruna questioned with a cocked eyebrow. “What sort of deal are you looking for?”
“Unfortunately, we didn’t arrange this meeting just to catch up and hang out,” I explained as I leaned forward and rested my arms on the table. “We currently have an assassin problem, Aruna, and we were hoping you could help us figure it out.”
“Figure it out?” the Rakshasi asked, somewhat offended. “What is there to ‘figure out?’ If one of your enemies hired one of my associates to go down into the Fourth Circle and kill you, there is not much I can do about that. You seem to be standing here, alive and well, so it’s not like you haven’t been able to handle yourself.”
“Oh, we’re more than capable of handling ourselves,” I shot back. “We’ll always be able to kill off whatever assailant comes our way.”
“Then why is it an issue?” Aruna asked once more, this time with a much more annoyed tone. “Can’t you just keep killing them as they show up?”
“But that’s the thing, Aruna,” Sia spoke up, “they’ve gotten worse in the last few months and, though we can take them easily, they’re becoming a major annoyance.”
“Seriously,” Todd added, “every time we get a wing of the castle rebuilt or the coliseum fixed, some asshole assassin comes in and destroys it again. It’s getting reeeaalllly old.”
“You need to understand,” Aruna sighed, “this is not a matter of whether or not I like you or wish you to succeed. You already know the answer to both of those questions. But my hands are tied. The Assassin’s Society follows a strict code, and breaking that code is punishable by death. If you’ve come to me looking for a truce, it’s not something that is even on the table.”
“There’s nothing you can do?” Mirage questioned. “You couldn’t band together with your brethren and blacklist certain clients? Perhaps some of our enemies … ”
“Of course not!” Aruna growled. “Blacklisting a client goes against the spirit of the entire Assassin's Society! If someone has the money for the job, it is our sacred duty to get it done.”
“So, basically Khajit has wares if you have coin?” Todd giggled.
“Essentially,” the Rakshasi sighed. “I’d love to say I can help you, Jacob, but I don’t think I can. Unless you wanted to pay off every single assassin in the Assassin’s Society, or at least the Council of Death, there’s not much I can help you with.”
Aruna’s words hit me like a freight train, and the lightbulb sprang on in my head. That was it. If we couldn’t cut a deal with these guys, maybe they’d listen to the power of the purse.
“The Council of Death?” I prompted. “Sounds interesting. Tell me more.”
“Brooooo,” Todd facepalmed, “the Council of Death is the super-badass group made up of the best assassins in the universe, who rule over the entire Society. You really need to catch up on your paranormal lore, Jakey.”
“That is correct,” Aruna nodded, “there are ten members on the Council of Death, myself included. We are the ones who assign contracts to our … lesser peers.”
“But you’re available for hire too, right?” I questioned coyly.
Aruna’s eyes glimmered as she stared me down and smiled.
“For a price,” she cooed. “A price that not many can afford.”
“Sia?” I turned to the redheaded madame. “How much money do we have from all of our business endeavors?”
“Let me crunch the numbers … ” Sia nodded, and then she began to mentally count our assets in her head.
“You can’t possibly be thinking what I think you are,” Aruna mused. “If you wanted to pay off me and all of my brethren, you would need an astronomical amount of money. The Council of Death only accepts top dollar for their services, and even more if you want to put yourself on a ‘no hit’ list. Ten million might do the trick.”
My mouth fell agape in shock, and I struggled to even process the concept.
“Do … Do we even have that much?” I questioned Sia.
Superbia furrowed her brow as she did some mental calculations, but then she just shook her head.
“We have fifteen million,” Superbia whispered to me sadly. “Our overall assets, including the Velvet Lips and all of Quinn’s leftover money and our mansion, only come out to about fifteen million.”
“That’s two-thirds of our money,” I whistled at the thought, “I dunno if it’d be worth it. Although, I don’t spend a lot of time on Earth Realm any more, and I’m sure Raphael could rake in the dough at the Velvet Lips … ”
This was a tough situation. On one hand, I wanted these assassins to stop coming after us. But ten million dollars? That was a lot of money. A lot of my hard-earned money.
“If it helps, I could throw in some of m
y extra income,” Todd offered.
“I’m not sure Tuesdays with the Toddster makes enough to cover that spread,” I sighed.
“I’m not talkin’ about my epic podcast, bro,” the imp corrected, “I’m talking about my side hustle. Todd’s Treasures.”
“Todd’s Treasures?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“That’s right, Jakey,” Todd confirmed with a solemn nod. “Since we’ve been down in Hell, I’ve been sneaking awesome occult artifacts back to Earth Realm and then having members of your cult sell them to the highest bidder. After paying moi a small fee, of course.”
“You’ve been selling demonic artifacts?” Sia gasped. “That’s breaking all sorts of interdimensional laws.”
Todd snickered at the prospect. “And who’s gonna stop me? I’ve got the King of the Fourth Circle on my side! Business has been booming, Strawberry Shortcake. We’ve sold a couple of Vargrat skulls, the tooth of a Daeva, and even Azazel’s pinky bone, just to name a few things.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“You sold Azazel’s pinky bone?” I mused. “Bro, isn’t it kinda fucked up to be selling parts of a dead body?”
“That’s not my place to judge,” the imp crossed his arms proudly, “all I know is there’s a market for it, and the Toddster is an imp of opportunity. You can get in on the action too, guys. All I’ll need is a small fee of one-hundred dollars so I can count you down as investors. Unless you want to be in the ‘Gold Star’ level of investors. That’ll set you back a cold thousand, but you’ll join the elite ranks of Raphey and Ollie as the only people in Todd’s Treasures to make it there!”
“I’m pretty sure you’re running a pyramid scheme, bro,” I shot back.
“I am not!” Todd gasped with a look of offense. “It’s called a ‘multi-level marketing company,’ and it’s a totally legit business. Unless Cutco is a pyramid scheme, too.”
Sia and Aruna both raised their hands to say something, but I gently pushed them back down.
“Fine, fine,” I conceded, “but how much did you make from it?”
“Not a lot,” Todd admitted, “last time I checked it was only like, five-thousand dollars, but it totally could have gone up since. Let me see your phone, bro.”
Against my better judgement, I pulled out my phone, handed it to the imp, and then watched as his fingers tapped against the screen. Then there was a short “ding,” and he flipped it around to show me his bank account.
My jaw hit the floor when I saw what was in his checking account.
“Uh, T-Todd?” I stuttered in disbelief. “I think you missed a few zeroes in there.”
The number read five million.
Todd flipped the phone back around, squinted at the screen, and then scoffed.
“Huh,” he chuckled, “I guess I did. But fifty-thousand still isn’t gonna solve our--”
“It says five million, bro,” I laughed with glee. “You crazy son of a bitch, you’ve just made us five million dollars richer!”
A grin spread up Todd’s face as he realized his contribution, and then he proudly thumped on his chest and let out a small “harooo.”
“I’d like to see Cutco pull that one off, bro,” he snickered and gave me a high five.
Once our miniature celebration was done, I turned back to the rest of the group.
“I think we can do ten million,” I stated matter-of-factly. “It might be half of our capital, but at least we won’t have to worry about those assassin fucks anymore. Besides, what am I gonna do with all that money, anyway? I’m the King of the Fourth Circle. I can just have my Shades make me anything I could need. Plus, with the way the Velvet Lips is going, and Todd’s Treasures, and Gula’s royalties, we’ll make back that ten million easy. ”
The whole table sat there in stunned silence, but nobody was quite as shocked as Aruna.
“Are you sure?” the assassin questioned.
“That’s an awful lot of green, Jakey,” Todd added. “That could buy us, like, thirty boats. Or fuck, even ten million hot dogs, for that matter.”
“Sia,” I said calmly, “grab my checkbook.”
The Sister of Pride reached into her handbag, fumbled around for a few moments, and then produced a small rectangular notepad and a pen. She handed it over to me, and I wasted no time in getting to work.
I filled out the check for ten million dollars, signed it, ripped it out, and then slapped it down in front of Aruna.
It seemed the Rakshasi couldn’t believe her eyes. Her jaw was currently on the floor, and she kept re-reading the check as if she didn’t believe it was real.
“So?” I questioned. “Is that enough to pay off all of your assassin friends?”
“Y-Yes!” Aruna agreed. “This is more than enough, Jacob. I shall tell them King Ralston is off-limits, as is the Fourth Circle and all of its inhabitants. Anyone who disobeys the proclamation will be punished by a swift and gruesome death.”
“Thank god,” I chuckled, “I was starting to get worried we were going to be locked in conflict with the Assassin’s Society forever. Or at least, until we killed you guys all off.”
“That would never happen,” Aruna retorted playfully. “You may be lucky, Jacob Ralston, but luck never lasts forever. You are making the right call here.”
As I watched the Rakshasi fold up the ten-million-dollar check and put it in her pocket, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made the right decision.
Either way, this would keep the assassins out of our hair for the immediate future. And, with them out of the way, we could start to focus on our real targets.
Beelzebub and Gressil.
Chapter 7
“You have made a good investment,” Aruna purred as she took a final swig of her coffee, let out a satisfied “ahhh,” and then tossed it in the waste bin beside her. “But yes, I’ll deliver this to the rest of the Assassin’s Society, and I can assure you they’ll be beyond thrilled to see your generous contribution to our cause.”
“Now, hold on,” I clicked my tongue at the Rakshasi, “what else do I get out of this? These people are assassins for hire, right? Doesn’t this make them my temporary employees?”
“I wouldn’t push your luck, Jacob,” Aruna warned. “We assassins are very assiduous people. They will surely be grateful for the money, but this is a payoff, not a contract. There’s no way my brethren will be okay with just sitting around and doing nothing until you decide to call them up. This payment will prevent them from taking jobs involving you, your domain, or your friends, but it doesn’t make them your followers.”
“What about you, then?” I asked hopefully. “We’ve worked together quite a lot, and we both know you do really good work. What if I throw in a little bit of extra cash for you, on a monthly basis, and you become my go-to assassin?”
“That sounds an awful lot like employment … ” Aruna mused.
“It sounds a lot like prostitution to me, bro,” Todd interjected. “Paying the chick you’re banging so she’ll stay around? Total pimp move, Jakey. Raphey would be proud.”
“You wouldn’t be an employee,” I argued, “or a prostitute. We can just give you a different title, somebody who’s still a freelancer, but has ties to our kingdom … ”
“Independent contractor,” Sia noted. “Aruna can be our newest independent contractor.”
“I will need to think about it,” Aruna admitted with a shrug. “I’m a popular girl. I dunno if I can tie myself down to one single client for an extended period of time.”
“We haven’t regretted it,” Sia argued as she put her arm around Mirage’s shoulder. “I’ve been ‘tied down’ to Jacob for years now, and Mirage has just taken the plunge.”
“Quite literally,” Todd snickered as he made a circle with one hand, extended his index finger, and then started to make a “plunging” motion.
“It’s only been a few weeks,” Mirage explained, “but I can already say with full confidence it’s the best decision I’ve ev
er made. And that’s not just the Earth food and amazing sex talking.”
Amazing sex … that’s what was missing from this equation.
Aruna was a feisty, honorable Rakshasi who was always looking for the next adrenaline boost. She wasn’t motivated by money or glory or love or anything like that. Aruna was motivated by whatever got her heart pumping and scratched that indescribable itch she had deep in her subconscious.
And I thought I knew the perfect remedy.
“Tell you what,” I said as innocently as I could, “we’re kind of in a hurry to get back to the Fourth Circle, and I can tell you’ve got a lot to think about. Why don’t you ride with us back to the mansion, and then we can discuss it more on the way there? We can even have the cultists call you an Uber or something when you’re all ready to leave.”
The Rakshasi rubbed her rounded chin as she weighed my proposition. Finally, she let out a small “hmmm” and nodded her head in agreement.
“I suppose that will work,” Aruna admitted, “you do have a lovely home. Especially that pool of yours.”
There it was. Aruna and I had made love in said pool for the first and only time a few months ago, and she obviously was still fawning over it to this day.
Now, I just needed to get her there and try and work my magic.
“Shall we?” I announced as I stood up and smiled to my friends.
“Quickly Jakey, to the batcave!” Todd cackled as he hopped up from his seated position. “The sooner we get outta this hipster hole, the better.”
The entire coffee shop went silent, and all eyes turned angrily on Todd. His mouth twisted into an uncomfortable smile as he let out an awkward laugh and rubbed the back of his neck.
“I, uh, totally mean it in only the best way,” he chuckled, “like ‘oh, this ‘ol hipster hole, where all the cool hipsters come out to hang.’ Totally awesome with its super chic walls and pop-folk music and people wearing beanies in seventy-degree weather and--You know what? I can’t do it. See ya later, hipstercrites! I look forward to seeing every single thing you’ve eaten today on your Instagram!”
The entire restaurant began to murmur and grumble, and Todd hightailed it out of there so fast, I almost thought there was going to be a puff of smoke left in his wake.
