by Beth Bolden
“I hear its beauty,” Diego said softly. “I hear how much you cared about me, even back then. I hear a way it could be even better, and I want to show that to the world, if you’ll let me.”
“You really mean that,” Benji said disbelievingly.
Diego shoved Benji a little. “Of course I fucking do. You’re brilliant, and this song is the greatest gift you could have ever given me. It’s why I waited so long for you to figure out that you wanted me; how could you write a song like ‘Violet,’ and not know?”
Benji reached over and laced their fingers together. “Trust me, I figured it out. I figured out I can’t live without you, not in every single part of my life. It doesn’t work any other way, not for me. You’re it.”
“You’re it for me too,” Diego said tipping his head to rest it on Benji’s shoulder. “I want to tell you something else, and I need you to swear to me you will never tell another soul. Something I should have told you a long time ago, something that is partially why I was so freaked out.”
“You know you can trust me,” Benji said, his voice puzzled.
Diego sighed. “You’ll understand when I tell you. It’s what’s had me so goddamned terrified of this whole thing Jay was arranging. I couldn’t let Vicky get fed up and decide that Ana was better off without me.”
“But she wouldn’t, and, even if she did, you have an incredible amount of money and resources. You could fight whatever she tried to do.”
“I could,” Diego said, trying to keep his voice even, devoid of the fear that threatened to consume him, “but I think there’s something that might take Ana away from me permanently.”
“I don’t understand,” Benji said, clearly confused.
“I . . .” Diego swallowed hard. “I’m not sure that Ana is mine.”
“Of course Ana is yours.” Benji’s outrage soothed some of Diego’s fear, but he couldn’t take all of it away. Nothing could really do that.
“I mean . . . I’m not sure she’s biologically mine. Vicky and I, we dated for awhile, yeah, but I didn’t love her, and she didn’t love me. It was more about convenience and trust. We only had sex a few times. But then she got pregnant, and it made sense to get married. I knew she slept with other men, but that didn’t matter because Ana always feltlike mine.”
“You’ve never asked her?” Benji asked softly. His fingers squeezed Diego’s reassuringly.
“I’ve been too afraid to even bring it up. What if that’s all the motivation she needs to get a DNA test? I made sure Vicky got a good settlement in our divorce, and she gets monthly child support. She doesn’t really need me, not anymore, and if suddenly, it’s harder for Ana to be related to me than not related to me? I wouldn’t blame her for taking that step.” Diego swallowed hard.
“Vicky isn’t a bad person. She’s a protective mother, but I don’t think she would ever do that to you. She knows you adore Ana, and you’re her father. It doesn’t matter what a goddamned DNA test says. And if she tries? Not only will you fight her on it, I’ll do anything I can to make sure you don’t lose Ana,” Benji swore.
“You would?” Diego shifted closer to Benji, wanting to soak up every bit of his certainty and his assurance.
It was one thing to tell yourself over and over, until you were sick of your own thoughts, that nothing bad could happen, but it was another entirely to hear Benji say so. Especially in that certain-as-fuck voice that dared the world to fuck with him and live to pay the price.
“I would do anything for you,” Benji confessed. “I hoped you knew that.”
“I did, I do,” Diego swore. “I love you so goddamned much.”
“What are we going to do about the whole mess?” Benji wondered out loud. “I didn’t know how to fix it, because I thought we wanted to live two different ways. But now I don’t know. Do you want to tell people?”
“That I love you? I’ve never not wanted to,” Diego reassured him. “I just didn’t want it to overwhelm our lives. I didn’t want to be followed around constantly. I didn’t want to do things for maximum impact, like Jay wanted.”
“Well,” Benji said, his voice growing flinty, “I think it’s safe to say that I’ve spent a lot of time going over what Jay said over the last five years, and I think he made me my own worst enemy. He knew all my ambitions and my fears and preyed on every single one. I still wish I could go back and punch him.”
“Definitely a wasted opportunity,” Diego inserted.
“But I think, I’ve got some ideas where we can do this and not make it a huge deal,” Benji said. “I don’t want to become more well-known just because I’m your boyfriend. I want people to know me because they like my music, not just my choice of partners.”
Diego nodded. “That’s how I feel. And . . . you were also right, I need to put myself out there more. I’ve let fear rule me for too long. I can’t let this thing with Vicky and Ana control me.”
Benji pressed a long, lingering kiss to his temple. “It won’t be so bad if I’m next to you, I promise.”
“It’s still gonna suck for a little while,” Diego said reluctantly. He was never going to crave the spotlight, not the way that Benji did. His ambition was never going to equal Benji’s, but they could still find a middle ground, a way to live together and love their lives—and each other.
“As long as it’s the good kind of sucking, I think we’ll be okay.” Benji grinned.
“Should we go put them out of their misery?” Diego said. “Leo’s probably about to call in reinforcements.”
“Felix?” Benji said, raising an eyebrow. “Did he really go to your house and yell a bunch of stuff through the door?”
Diego hadn’t believed he could laugh about any of the events of the last few days—not for a long time. He felt like his heart had just been through the wringer. But remembering how he wouldn’t let Felix in, and Felix—a more stubborn person there wasn’t—had decided that it didn’t matter, coaxed a giggle from his lips. “Yeah, he totally did. I couldn’t hear much of what he said, but he definitely felt very passionate about whatever it was.” He glanced up at the sky. “What was it, anyway?”
Benji laughed too. “Basically what I came barging in a few hours later blabbering about. The stuff about Jay. How I thought I could fix everything.”
Diego shifted positions so they were knees to knees. He took Benji’s hands in his own. “You have to promise me that you’ll stop expecting that you can fix everything.”
Frowning, Benji considered this. “I don’t know if I can. It’s kind of my natural state.”
“You have to try. At least . . .” Diego pondered this for a moment. “At least let us try to solve it together, first.”
“That, I can absolutely agree to,” Benji promised. “Anything else you want?”
That was easy. There was a short list of things that Diego was desperate for and having Benji’s incredible body pressed naked against his was at the very top of the list. “A short recording session today?” Diego asked hopefully. “And afterwards, we go back to my place?”
“We could just leave now, but we shouldn’t,” Benji said, and sounded like he really regretted that being the case.
“Yeah,” Diego said, “we should go back in.” He used Benji’s hands to balance as he hefted himself up from the ground, and then reached out one of his own to help his boyfriend up.
“First,” Benji said, and reached for him, pulling Diego close and tight against him. Their mouths met and Diego didn’t know how he’d gone a few days without this, never mind the previous ten years. Happiness bubbled through him, as Benji’s lips moved confidently over his, like he knew everything was going to be okay and that he would do anything in his power to make that prediction true.
It felt like the kind of kiss that Diego wanted to experience for the rest of his life.
Benji pulled away, and Diego was certain that he could hear his heart beating wildly in his chest.
“Let’s go in,” Benji said softly.
They walked back into the recording studio hand in hand. To Diego’s shock they were playing his song. Well, not his song, Benji’s song. But, Diego realized, it was definitely a little bit his too. “Violet” was about him, and it was his arrangement they were playing, and it sounded just as incredible as he’d hoped it would, all those long, lonely nights at the piano when he’d scribbled down his ideas, never believing they would ever go anywhere.
But most importantly, he glanced over at Benji, and saw the expression of stunned, incomprehensible awe on his face. He hadn’t known what it could be, and in this moment, it was like the beauty of his creation had been born again.
“You’ll be left in the dust,” Caleb and Leo sang, the rough edges of the former’s voice, contrasting beautifully with the lightness of the latter’s, all playing off melody that Max and Leo were playing together, “unless I stick by us.”
In that moment, Diego squeezed Benji’s hand and realized one last, life-altering thing. He wanted to go back in time and tell seventeen-year-old Diego Gonzalez that even though he felt lost, confused, and unsure of his place in the world, someday he would find someone who loved and accepted him for every messy part. And that, despite every impossibility, the really cute guy he’d met and couldn’t forget would not only become a friend, he would become so much more.
For ten years, they’d stuck by each other, and the beauty of looking only toward the future was that Diego knew, without a single doubt, that would never, ever change.
EPILOGUE
Fighting for my trust;
and you won’t back down,
even if we’ve gotta risk it all right now.
Benji had always believed that when the actual moment came, he’d be a hell of a lot more nervous.
Instead, as he and Diego finished their final run-through of “Violet” in the green room provided by Five Points, he felt completely calm and surprisingly at peace.
What he was sure of was that if Jay had been orchestrating this, maximizing every bit of it for the most potential, it wouldn’t feel this way. He wouldn’t feel this way.
“You seem pretty chill,” Diego pointed out as Benji rested one hand on his guitar and the other on Diego’s knee. “I was half expecting to have to talk you down off the walls today.”
They’d talked about this day for months. What it would look like. What they might say. What they would do. How they would explain their relationship, their marriages, and Ana. Then they’d spent at least that much time searching for the perfect person to organize the whole thing.
Someone who’d respect not only their choices, but them, personally. They’d found that, and more, in Craig, who was not only managing Benji’s career, he’d taken on Diego as well.
By bringing Craig on board, they’d both expressed the hope that Diego could take a step forward, while Benji took it down a notch. Now that they’d found each other, Benji wanted to pay more than lip service to finding a work-life balance, and Craig was dedicated to making the most of the promotional opportunities they had while not turning every second of their lives into a publicity circus.
But mostly, Craig had organized this interview at Five Points. He’d gone to them with exactly what Benji and Diego had decided on: they would play “Violet” together, and then answer a handful of questions. The interview would be posted online, on the Five Points website as well as concurrently on Benji’s and Diego’s websites.
The questions had been vetted, and they’d been practicing to show the world a new version of Benji’s first solo effort, and now there was nothing left to do but take that final step.
“I told you,” Benji said softly. “Everything’s always easier when you’re next to me.”
Diego smiled, slow and wide. “Then it’s a good thing I’m right here.”
“Do you want to go through the song one more time?” Benji asked. He might be taking a step back on the work commitments, but he was still a perfectionist. And while Diego and many others had told him how good this arrangement of “Violet” was, he still doubted. He wanted this moment to be perfect, not for him, but for Diego. Benji needed everyone to see just how much he adored him.
“I think it’s great just like it is. And if we need more than one take, it’s not a big deal,” Diego reminded him. “This will be edited first, before it goes live.”
“Right, right,” Benji said. “I just . . . I love you. I want to make sure everyone can see just how much.”
The look in Diego’s eyes was lovingly luminous. “I don’t think anyone will doubt it.” The fresh rose vine tattoo on his arm, the red of the petals matching Diego’s, might help win over anyone who wasn’t immediately convinced. He and Cora had specifically picked out a shirt that would show Benji’s new tattoo to its best advantage.
A knock on the door interrupted anything else Benji might have said.
It opened a moment later, and Craig stuck his head in. “You guys ready?” he asked.
Diego stood, and then Benji followed.
“I’ve never been readier in my life,” Diego declared with a certainty that echoed through Benji. He was right; they’d never been more prepared to take such a significant step.
“Good,” Craig said with a big smile in their direction. “Well, then let’s go kick down some homophobic doors.”
They followed Craig to the soundstage, where everything was prepped and ready for their performance. Next door, there was a single chair facing a couch, where they’d sit with the interviewer after they were done playing.
Benji had performed countless times in his career, but he’d never felt the words resonating with him the way they did today.
They’d worked out a very simple piano and guitar arrangement based on Diego’s modifications to the song. It gave the lyrics all the time to shine, and it also gave the song an emotional resonance that it hadn’t with all the overproduced beats of the original.
As Diego began to sing, his gorgeous voice clear and confident, eyes shining with love as he stared at Benji, he realized just why Diego had never given up on this song. Why he’d fought, tooth and nail, for Star Shadow to redo it, and then fought again for this to be included in their coming-out video.
“Violet” represented everything about them, condensed into a beautiful, tight package; the melancholic yearning tempered with the obvious love that they’d discovered in each other.
It was the kind of song Diego was born to sing.
It was the kind of song they were born to sing together.
When it finished, a hush had fallen over the soundstage.
Craig approached them, next to the director of the segment. “Beautiful, guys, I think this is going to turn out exactly the way you hoped.”
“I wanted people to know us through the music,” Diego said earnestly.
If Jay had been managing this, he’d have insisted on releasing the new “Violet” duet as a single, but when Benji had said it would be available as a bonus track on the upcoming Star Shadow album, Craig had only nodded, agreeing.
This wasn’t about album sales or single records or views on YouTube. This was about their feelings for each other, expressed lyrically. They would, of course, answer some questions, because that was unavoidable, but both Benji and Diego wanted the song to represent everything they really needed to say.
They settled on the couch, and the interviewer, a good-looking man with dark hair and penetrating gray eyes settled opposite them.
At first, Benji hadn’t liked that Nick Wheeler had originally been a sports journalist, but Craig had vouched for him, and given both Benji and Diego lots of reasons to believe that he was the right guy to lead this interview.
“He wrote the coming-out profile for Colin O’Connor,” Craig said, referencing the famous Miami Piranhas quarterback, “and then he married him. While he might have gotten his start in sports journalism, this is someone who really cares about representation and ultimately cares about respecting your choices. I can’t think of someone better suited than Nick.�
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Then they’d met Nick, and Benji had found himself agreeing, despite all his previously held opinions. Nick possessed a sharp sense of humor and a fierce sense of responsibility and obligation to tell queer stories. Benji had been forced to acknowledge that he was perfect.
“Hey, you guys,” Nick said, shooting both of them a reassuring smile as he settled down opposite the couch. “You ready for this?”
“I think as ready as we’ll ever be,” Diego confessed. “Are you ever truly ready to bare your soul and your heart to millions of people?”
Nick grinned. “Nobody ever truly is, but you guys seem like you have your heads on straight.”
“Notoriety and fame are something we’re rather experienced with,” Benji added dryly.
“Well, you’ll get some more from this, no matter how you downplay it,” Nick said. “And that’s not a bad thing.”
Benji nodded. It wasn’t going to be fame in the way Jay had wanted, before, but Nick was right, some of it was unavoidable and he was also right that not all of it was bad. He glanced over at Diego, who was holding his hands together in his lap, the knuckles white from the strain.
He reached over and took one of Diego’s hands in his own, gripping it tightly. “I think we’re ready,” he said.
The questions were extremely straightforward and non-sensationalistic.
“I know a lot of your fans have been speculating that you’ve been together for a long time,” Nick said, after the introductions were taken care of. “Do you have any light to shed on that theory?”
Just like the questions were rehearsed, so were the answers. Benji might have objected to that at one time, but now he was just grateful he wasn’t going to fuck this up by putting his foot in his mouth.
“We’ve been best friends for ten years,” Benji said, “and while we might have had feelings for each other, we didn’t decide to act on those feelings until last year, after my divorce. Sometimes the timing just isn’t right, and it wasn’t for us for a long time. But it is now.”
