by Kitt Rose
“No. I mean, yes. We’ve become friends. I set him up with a friend of mine. Rick’s been a good friend. And it’s not that I don’t want to see you. I want that more than just about anything. But I’m still working through things.”
Why was this so awkward? I wanted to cry.
Dennis shifted on his feet in front of me. “I didn’t think you were … together. But thanks for that. I don’t think my ego could take you leaving me for Wood.” He tried for a laugh but it fell flat. “Can we talk? Not right now. But soon? I miss you.”
“I miss you too. I…” I was torn. I wanted so much to talk to him, to hold him, to kiss him, to be with him any way I could. But I hadn’t come to any decisions, nothing was any clearer than it had been on New Year’s Day.
“Please. It’s important,” he pleaded. Dennis reached for my hands and laced his through them, bringing them to his chest.
“Okay.” I gave in to what my heart wanted. It was so easy to give in.
“I’ll stop by after work tonight?”
I nodded, and on impulse, I threw my arms around him. He didn’t hesitate even a second, embracing me tightly. I squeezed my eyelids shut, ignoring the burn in the backs of my eyes. A deep breath in and my senses went into overdrive at his familiar incense scent. My body tingled.
I forced myself to let him go and stepped back. “See you tonight.”
I all but ran to the car, waving as we drove away, feeling better than I had in weeks. Knowing that Dennis was coming by made it a great day.
When Rick dropped me off at home after a wonderful practice, the first thing I did was check my voicemail. I followed the prompts until Dennis’s voice filled the line.
“Zirah. I… Damn.”
That had been the Saturday after our break. The next message Dennis had left five minutes later.
“Z. I’m sorry. I listened to your song and I can’t even… I love you. Please, just… I love you.”
Two days later, he’d left another one. “I miss you. It’s only been three days. I know you said you need some time, and obsessively calling isn’t giving it to you. I should probably stop, but I can’t. I miss your voice. Please don’t take a month. It’s already been too long.”
There was another from a week ago, just saying he missed me. And then another from last night. “Hey. It’s me. Trina said you weren’t listening to these but I’m hoping she’s wrong. Good luck tomorrow. I heard it’s the big day. You’ll do wonderful. I love you.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. He’d been thinking about me this whole time. Unable to stop myself, I downloaded my email to my laptop and opened the first one. It was an apology. The second one was three words, those important three words. I went to open the third when my phone rang. I dived for it, answering without looking.
“Hello,” I said, breathlessly.
“Z.” My sister’s voice was thick with tears.
I sat up straight, alarmed. “Heather? What’s wrong?”
“Lucas… He…” Her speech became unintelligible and someone took the phone from her in a burst of noise.
“Aunt Z?” My oldest nephew’s voice came through the phone, filled with worry.
“Christian? What’s going on?”
“It’s Lucas. He’s sick. He was… He was acting weird, tired all the time. The school sent someone from social services because they thought he was being abused. Kept going to school covered in bruises and getting these awful nose bleeds. And he’s been dropping weight.”
Someone knocked on my door. “Hold on a second, Chris.”
Dennis stood outside my door. I quickly let him and, turning my attention back to the call. “Why didn’t someone tell me? I talked to you guys a few weeks ago and no one thought… Never mind, not important. What’s wrong with him?”
“He’s got cancer.”
My knees turned to water and I dropped onto the couch.
Christian continued, “It’s Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, they call it A-L-L. Some weird type of it. Sorry, I don’t remember. They’ve thrown so many terms at us. The doctors say he’ll need chemo and he’s going to need a bone marrow transplant. None of us are a match. But you haven’t been tested yet.”
Dennis sat next to me, concern in his eyes, and took my hand. I held on to it like it was a lifeline. “I’ll call my boss and take time off. If I get a bus ticket, I can be up there in the next couple days. Christian, how bad is it?”
He inhaled, the sound shaky and sharp. “Bad. I don’t understand half of what they say, but he’s high risk. But it’s treatable from what they tell us. He’s got like a ninety percent chance. But it’s that ten percent that scares the hell out of me.”
I heard him inhale again. “Christian Thomas Wilcox, are you smoking?” My voice went a little shrill, and I winced.
“Shit. Yes.” He sounded like a scolded child.
“Your baby brother has cancer and you somehow think it’s a good idea to smoke. Are you a complete moron?”
Dennis laughed softly next to me, squeezing my hand. And despite everything, I smiled.
“Geez, Aunt Z, it’s one cigarette.” He cursed softly, saying words my barely eighteen-year-old nephew had no business using. “You’re right. I’m just…”
“I know, Chris, I know. I’ll call as soon as I have my tickets so you know when to expect me. Give your mom a hug for me. I love you guys.”
“Love you too, Aunt Z… Um, hey. Damn, I don’t know how to ask this.”
“Just ask,” I said, curious what had my confident nephew so hung up.
“Um, is it true? Are you really my sister?”
I squeaked in surprise. “Did your mother tell you that?”
“Sorta. I overheard Mom and Grandma arguing and that gave me enough of the pieces. She didn’t really have a choice after that.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I said, “It’s true, but your dad isn’t my dad. I’m still getting used to this myself, but we’re still family. That doesn’t change. I’m still here for you. No matter how far away I am. Okay?”
“Okay. I’m going to go see if I can calm Mom down. I’m really glad you’re coming home. We need you.”
I listened to the phone beep, letting me know he’d disconnected.
Dennis squeezed my hand again, reminding me he was here.
I unfroze, fear spreading through me. In desperation, I threw myself at Dennis. He caught me, pulling me into his lap. The tears hurt, cutting like glass in my throat.
Dennis’s arms tightened around me and he stroked my hair, humming soothing noises. When my tears slowed and I calmed, he asked me what had happened. I told him. Every word bruised.
“You could have all those tests done here if you wanted,” Dennis said, kissing my forehead.
I shook my head. I needed to see my family, my nephew.
“Yeah. I figured you’d want to go. How long will you be gone?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I assume it will take a few days to get results back and then if I am a match…”
“Okay. Let me call Ty and let him know I’ll be gone—”
I pushed back from him, my eyes wide. “What?”
“Z, I’m going to take you and be with you while you’re going through this.” He faltered, his voice suddenly unsure. “Unless you don’t want me to.”
“Dennis, I…” I shook my head, biting my lip. Slowly and tentatively, I stretched up and touched his face. “I love you. I have no idea if this will all work, and I’m in no headspace to try to figure it out right now. It’s not fair to you, but can we talk about this when things aren’t so bad? I mean, we need to talk and I need to work on some stuff, but I just can’t right now. But I don’t want to lose you.”
I pressed my lips to his, half-expecting him to push me away. Instead, tension slipped from his body and he pulled me closer, his hands cradling my face. When I pulled back, he was breathing deeply, a hopeful expression on his face.
“You’re not going to lose me. If these last weeks has taught me anything,
it’s that I’m willing to do just about anything to keep you in my life. I can’t say that I’ll be able to change overnight, but for you, I’ll try.”
“You shouldn’t have to change. That’s the thing.” I ran my fingertips over his cheek and he leaned into my touch before placing one of his hands over mine, pressing my hand tightly to his face.
“No. I talked to Phini about this. A lot. She admitted if she was in your shoes, she’d feel the same. Trina wasn’t as nice about it. She told me she’d have had my balls for breakfast by now. Three women that I love and respect are all telling me that what I’m doing is hurtful. That’s not what I want. I never wanted to hurt you. So I’ll work on it, but I need you to give me some time and… Well, if I fuck up, tell me and give me a chance to fix it.”
My heart was in my throat. “It’s not fair. I love you because of who you are. I don’t want to change you, but maybe you could just… Run a Hank test?”
“A Hank test?” Dennis asked.
“Yeah. Like, if you wouldn’t touch Trina like that, in front of Hank, then—”
He laughed and it was a joyful sound that made me want to sing. “That’s more than fair. But I can do better than that. I will do better than that. I know we have to talk more and work things through, but can we do that together.”
“I hope so. If you still want—”
“Zirah, shut up.” He shook his head. “Yes. I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I want and you’re it.”
“I have missed you so much.” I tucked my head into his chest, a smile on my face. And then I remembered Lucas and my smile fell. “Are you sure you want to go with me?”
“Yeah. You shouldn’t go by yourself. It’s okay to lean on me.”
“I hate the idea of you seeing where I grew up,” I whispered. “And what my mom is going to say to you. And if you’re with me, I can’t stay at the trailer. I slept on the couch, there’s not room for two, not that you fit on any couch.”
“How about a hotel?” Dennis rubbed my back.
“Yeah, there’s a couple off the highway but without knowing how long I’ll need to be there… It could get expensive.” A quick mental estimate of my bank account made me wince. I’d worked up significant savings, but a week or more in a hotel with meals and travel would wipe most of that out. And who knew if I would have a job when I came home.
“Don’t worry about it. I can afford it.”
I started to argue and he put a finger on my lips, silencing me. “Okay. I have a confession to make. No one knows this, not even Phini. I’ve never told anyone this, so… Yeah, you know, between us.” He shifted, seeming suddenly uncomfortable. “My mom, she’s got money. She’s from money. Like way back, railroad and oil fortune back. I have a pretty significant trust fund. Can’t touch it until I’m thirty without her okay, but I own my house outright, my car, my portion of Ink’d. I have no debt. Most of my paycheck goes into the bank and just sits because I have very few expenses. I can afford to take some time off and pay for our hotel. Okay?”
I tried to wrap my head around the words trust fund. It felt like a movie or something. “I… Can I chip in somehow? Pay for gas?”
“Z, baby, didn’t you hear me? I have money. Last time I talked to my finance guy, about five million dollars in various investments. You never need to pay me back.”
Five million dollars? That was a lot of money. A staggering amount of money. While I tried to process that, Dennis pulled out his cell phone and called Ty.
“Hey, man, I got some news. Z’s nephew, the youngest one, has leukemia. He needs a bone marrow transplant and Z might be a match. She’s got to head up there tomorrow. I’m gonna need to take some time off. I’ll call Gabe and see if he can take over the flash work for the week so Song can just work custom for me.”
He was silent for a moment and I heard the murmur of Ty’s voice through the phone.
“Yeah, we’re back together. I was coming over to tell her I was an idiot and beg forgiveness when all this came out. I don’t want her going alone.”
Ty said something more, then Dennis said, “Thanks, man. I’ll check in with you, keep you updated. Can you or Phini check my mail for me while I’m gone, just make sure the box doesn’t get full? I’ll call my appointments and offer them Song or to reschedule first thing tomorrow, offer them a discount from my end of the cut for their trouble.”
They spoke a little more and then he disconnected, standing with me in his arms. He set me on my feet and directed me to my closet. “Is tomorrow morning early enough to leave?”
“Yeah. I need to sleep. You need to sleep. It’s a long drive.”
Dennis halted when we reached my bed, his attention on my nightstand. I followed his gaze and smiled at the picture of us from Christmas. “I printed that the day after … everything. You were never far from my mind, Dennis.”
He squeezed my shoulder, stepping so close I felt his breath stir my hair. The heat of him seeped into me, warming the cold shard of fear the word leukemia had planted in my gut. His voice was soft and gentle when he said, “Let’s get you packed so we can go back to my house and sleep. Okay?”
On the way to Dennis’s house, we stopped and picked up food. But aside from deciding what to eat, we were both quiet. He held my hand tightly the whole way. For the first time in weeks, I felt whole.
We ate at the kitchen table. It was hard to break the comfortable silence, but there was more I needed to say.
“I felt so … lost. The first few days, I could barely function. I tried to avoid anything that reminded me of you. But everything here reminds me of you. I don’t know why I can’t accept… It’s just … I never thought I’d have someone like you in my life and I’m just so scared you will wake up one day and realize I’m nothing special.
“I’ve seen pictures of your ex-girlfriends. I’ve seen Ella live and in the flesh. They’re all so perfect and put together. Glamorous. Everything I’m not. And I know I have to come to terms with my own insecurities, but I don’t know how to do that. I’m damaged. I know I am. But I love you so much. As long as you still want me, I will fight for us. Fight to make us work.”
He dropped his fork down with a loud clatter. “Where do I start? I guess first and foremost, you are not damaged. No more than anyone else is. We all have our own traumas that leave marks on us. You’ve had more than most, but that doesn’t mean you’re damaged. The truth is, there’s beauty in the scars. What you’ve been through, every obstacle and pain you passed through to get to this point are part of what make you you. And you are beautiful, Zirah. Inside and out.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are incredibly strong, so sweet, and unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I’m not going to wake up and think I can do better because love doesn’t work like that.” He reached out and threaded his fingers through mine. “See, the thing you’re missing is that you are perfect … for me. I’ve been in my fair share of relationships, with lots of different types of people, but I never had anything like this. I never pictured myself with someone long-term. And with you, I can’t see a future without you in it.”
He rose to his feet, picking me up and setting me on the kitchen counter. Dennis stepped into the space between my knees, his hands settling on my waist.
“Being without you, not seeing or talking to you sucked. It was so fucking hard knowing you were just steps away from me… I missed you so goddamned much it wasn’t funny.”
He pulled my hands to his sides, placing them there and running his hands up my arms to my face, burying his fingers in my hair. Leaning in, he kissed me, deeply, thoroughly. After weeks without him, my body ignited. I wrapped my legs around his hips and pulled him to me.
“Pants,” he said. It was an order and a plea.
I worked the button and zipper on my jeans to grant it. He lifted me and I tugged my jeans and underwear down in one movement, letting them drop to the floor. He stopped kissing me long enough to tug his own pants open and free himself from his boxers.
Then his mouth was back on mine and his hands were under my shirt, cupping my breasts. I took him in hand and guided him to me, gasping as he slid slowly inside of me.
“Holy shit,” he breathed, easing back until he was almost all the way back out of me. I looked down and watched him disappear back inside my body, a soft moan escaping at the sensation. When I looked back up, he was watching too.
“I missed this. Missed you, so much. But Dennis, I don’t want gentle right now.”
His eyes snapped up to mine, tender and warm. Lust heated his gaze. His movements became rough and desperate, exactly what I needed. Exactly what I wanted. His hips slammed into my thighs and I grabbed his butt, trying to somehow get closer to him.
The rest of our clothing disappeared in a few frantic tugs and yanks. And then it was just his skin against mine. His mouth on mine. His breath in me.
“Every. Fucking. Day. Never going to let you go again,” he panted against my mouth.
“Dennis… Please.”
He knew what I needed and he changed the angle of his stroke, his fingers finding the exact spot to make me shudder apart around him. A moment later, he threw back his head, muscles tensing, and shouted his release.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Roots
Dennis
Monday, February, 1st
Over a thousand miles separated Zirah from her hometown. When my girl put distance between herself and her past, she didn’t do it halfway. GPS put the drive at just over nineteen hours. We made it halfway Sunday, checking into a hotel when I was too tired to keep driving. But on the way, we’d made rounds of phone calls. Picking up and leaving on a dime wasn’t easy.
I’d called all my appointments for the next couple of weeks to reschedule while Z drove. And when I drove, she called off of work. Her boss hadn’t been happy. What boss would? She was calling off for an unknown amount of time. But fortunately, Sam was a good dude and he understood family came first. He had kids and grandkids after all. The dick at the coffee shop had been less understanding. Even after Z had given him a list of people who might be eager to fill in for her on Mommy and Me Wednesdays, he’d still given her a hard time. If she didn’t get her spot back when we returned, I’d have words with the man.
