by Sam Copeland
‘Yes, but –’
‘AND YOU SIT THERE COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR SPELLING TEST!’ Flora blasted.
‘Ah. Yes. I see,’ said Wogan. ‘Sorry about that, Charlie. Your parents separating is a bit worse than a spelling test, definitely.’
‘A LOT WORSE,’ blasted Flora again.
‘Yes, sorry!’ said Wogan, looking terrified. ‘A lot worse! Sorry!’
‘That’s OK,’ said Charlie, smiling for the first time in what felt like forever. ‘I haven’t learned the spellings either, so we’re both in big trouble!’
But even as he spoke, Charlie found that he really didn’t care about the spellings very much.
‘So,’ said Wogan, desperate to change the subject. ‘What happened after your parents told you?’
‘Well,’ said Charlie. ‘That’s where things started getting really weird …’
***
When his parents had finished talking, explaining all the reasons why separating was the right thing to do and why it was best for the family, Charlie decided he should get away EXTREMELY FAST before he changed into an animal right there and then in front of his family.
He jumped up from the table and ran out of the kitchen, his parents’ cries of ‘Charlie!’ ‘Don’t run off!’ and ‘Sit down and talk to us!’ ringing in his ears. He bounded up the stairs as fast as he could, dived into his room, slammed the door shut and blocked it, his heart racing.
And as the familiar fiery feelings ripped through his body, Charlie realized something extraordinary: he didn’t want to stop himself from changing. It was like trying to stop the tide or blowing against the wind. His body wanted to change, and he had to accept it.
And so he did.
His body stretched and shrank, expanded and contracted, and when Charlie caught sight of himself in the mirror, he saw something utterly extraordinary.
He was changing, but not just into an animal.
He was changing into lots of animals.
All at the same time.
The top half of him was a lion, the bottom half was a frog.
His head was a giant fish, his body a fuzzy koala.
His top half was a duck-billed platypus, his bottom half was a duck-billed platypus.fn3
From the waist up, he was a gigantic grizzly bear, below the waist stuck out a pair of skinny chicken legs.fn4
Again and again he changed, until gradually the changes began to slow down and finally stop.
There, looking back at Charlie from the mirror, was a perfectly normal front end of a cat. Attached to a perfectly normal body of an octopus. Together they were far from normal.
Charlie was half cat, half octopus.fn5
‘Well, well, well,’ came a voice from behind Charlie. He turned, whiskers twitching, eight legs wriggling.
The voice had come from Chairman Meow, who was sitting on the lid of Charlie’s laundry basket wearing the most disdainful and disgusted look his cat-face could muster.fn6
‘Congratulations, human,’ Chairman Meow continued. ‘You have somehow made yourself even more repulsive than you were before. You are so disgusting, you might actually cause me to sick up a fur ball. And that fur ball would still be more pleasant-looking than you.’
‘How lovely to speak to you too, Chairman Meow.’
‘I told you, my name is not Chairman Meow! It is Deathclaw Litterborn of the House Felis, the First of His Name, the –’
‘Oh, don’t start all that again,’ Charlie said, eight legs flapping.
Chairman Meow started licking himself clean, furiously. Charlie suddenly realized he was also very dirty and in need of a thorough wash. He started licking his tentacles urgently.
‘I was in the middle of my eighth sleep of the day and you come barging in here smelling like an enormous dog poo left out in the sun,’ Chairman Meow continued, licking himself ferociously. ‘Here’s an idea: have you ever considered going away?’
‘Going away?’
‘Yes, going far, far away, and never coming back? You won’t be missed. Just like the other cat.’
‘What do you mean, “like the other cat”?’
‘The cat that sits in boxes. It has been gone for two days.’
‘The Great Catsby is missing?’ Charlie’s tentacles rippled in shock, and he accidentally squirted a jet of ink all over his bedroom floor. ‘Oops. Pardon me.’
Chairman Meow sneered. ‘Typical! You didn’t even realize the other cat had gone! You humans are so wrapped up in your own little worlds.’
‘Well … will you help me look for him?’
‘Absolutely not. I despise that other cat almost as much as I despise you.’
‘You’re horrible, Chairman Meow.’
‘Says the disgusting half-cat half-octopus creature.’
‘Fair point.’
‘I could give you a clue where the cat is, though.’
‘Great!’
‘But I won’t.’
‘I hate you, Chairman Meow.’
Flora gave a great gasp of shock.
‘So the Great Catsby is missing as well?’
‘What do you mean, “as well”?’ Wogan asked.
‘First the chinchillas went missing from the zoo,’ said Flora. ‘Then the pets from town. And now the Great Catsby too? There’s something going on here, boys, and no mistake.’
‘What is it?’ asked Wogan.
‘I’m not sure yet,’ said Flora, staring off into the distance. ‘I’m not sure …’
‘You said that twice. You must really not be sure,’ said Wogan.
‘You know Flora,’ said Mohsen. ‘She’ll get there in the end. She loves a good mystery. She’s like the Sherlock Holmes of our school. Remember the Case of My Missing Easter Egg?’
‘Err … yes,’ replied Wogan.
‘How Flora quickly deduced you had eaten it because you had chocolate all over your face and were complaining of a stomachache?’
‘Yes, well …’
‘And what about the Case of the Spiders All Over My Bedroom, when my bedroom was suddenly filled with spiders, and Flora worked it out because she asked you if you’d forgotten to close the lid on your spider collection box, and you started crying and confessed everything? Flora is so clever. She’ll definitely work it out.’ Mohsen shook his head, smiling. ‘I was still finding spiders under my pillow months later. What fun times we have together, guys, don’t we?’
‘So,’ said Charlie. ‘Do you have any ideas at all, Flor?’
‘Hmm,’ hmmed Flora. ‘Well, there is one clue …’
‘You see!’ said Mohsen, thumping his palm. ‘I knew she’d solve the case!’
‘I haven’t solved anything yet!’
‘No. But you nearly have.’
‘I’m nowhere near.’
‘What’s the clue, Flora?’ asked Charlie.
‘OK, so remember the signs about the missing pets? Well, one of them said they’d discovered paw prints in the garden. What if a big wild animal is attacking people’s pets?’
Mohsen nodded. ‘And didn’t the sign say they were feline paw prints? Like a lion or a tiger?’
Charlie shook his head. ‘A lion would have had to escape from the zoo, and I’m sure the police would know if that had happened.’
‘So it CAN’T be that,’ said Wogan. ‘Flora, you’re a terrible detective.’
‘It’s true that it can’t have escaped from the zoo,’ replied Flora. ‘But maybe it’s a wild animal the police don’t know about.’
‘But where would that have come fr–’ Mohsen stopped in his tracks, and turned to Charlie, his eyes going wide. ‘It’s you!’
‘What’s me?’ asked Charlie, looking around.
‘You’ve been turning into a lion and eating all the missing animals!’
Wogan jumped up, pointing at Charlie accusingly. ‘Daisy is going to be FURIOUS when she hears you scoffed all the chinchillas!’
‘No! That’s not what I meant!’ cried Flora. ‘I wasn’t saying it was Charli
e! I just meant maybe there’s a wild panther or something roaming about. You know, you hear about that sort of thing.’
‘It’s possible,’ said Mohsen. ‘But I think my Charlie theory makes much more sense.’
‘I have NOT been turning into a lion, and eating cats and chinchillas, thank you very much!’ shouted Charlie. ‘I can’t believe you think I would do that.’
‘OK …’ said Mohsen, eyes still narrowed with suspicion.
‘I can see your eyes still narrowed with suspicion, Mohsen,’ said Charlie.
‘Fine,’ said Mohsen, forcing his eyes open wider.
The gang had reached the school gates. As they entered, Lola ran up to them.
‘Hi, guys,’ said Lola.
‘Hello, Lola,’ said Wogan, Flora and Charlie.
‘Lello, Hola,’ Mohsen stammered in a high voice, then slapped himself on the forehead.
‘Really sorry, Wogan,’ said Lola. ‘But Daisy has asked me to tell you that she doesn’t want to go to the dance with you any more.’
‘Oh,’ said Wogan.
‘But, Mohsen,’ said Lola.
‘Yes,’ yelped Mohsen. ‘That’s me.’
‘Would you like to go with me?’
‘I … err … yes.’
‘Great!’
And without another word, Lola skipped off.
Charlie put his arm around Wogan. ‘Never mind! I don’t have anyone to go to the dance with either!’
Flora swallowed. ‘Charlie, would you –’
‘Yeah,’ interrupted Wogan, glumly. ‘Maybe you and I should go to the dance together. No one else will go with us.’
‘Not a bad idea, that,’ Charlie agreed. ‘What were you saying, Flor?’
Flora shook her head. ‘Nothing,’ she said quietly.
Wogan’s day did not get any better, what with the feared spelling test after lunch. He came out, shaking his head and muttering, ‘This is the actual worst day of my life.’
Charlie agreed.
It wasn’t made any better when Dylan walked out right behind them.
‘You’d have to be a right dummy to have messed that test up. It was SO easy,’ he gloated, a smug smile plastered across his face.
‘What’s that plastered across your face?’ asked Charlie.
‘Erm … a smug smile?’ replied Dylan.
‘No, next to it,’ Charlie said, pointing to a big plaster on Dylan’s cheek.
‘Oh that! I … erm … fell over and grazed myself,’ Dylan replied. ‘Anyway, must dash,’ he continued. ‘Great talking to you. Byeee!’
And Dylan ran off as fast as possible.
‘What a weirdo,’ said Wogan, shaking his head.
Charlie couldn’t disagree. Dylan was acting even weirder than usual.
Before they could think any further about it, though, Flora and Mohsen came running up.
‘Have you heard?’ Flora said, breathlessly.
‘What?’ said Wogan, full of breath.
‘The school chickens have gone missing,’ said Flora. ‘Disappeared. Vanished. Stolen. Or eaten. There were …’ Flora lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ‘There were feathers all over the coop.’
Mohsen stabbed a finger at Charlie. ‘You’ve been in school today! You could have eaten the chickens!’
‘What are you talking about?’ asked Charlie. ‘It couldn’t have been me! I’ve been with at least one of you guys all day!’
‘The chickens were actually attacked yesterday night,’ said Flora. ‘But it was only noticed this morning. Apparently there’s video footage!’
‘So what happened then?’ asked Charlie. ‘Who was it?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t seen the video. I asked Mr Wind if I could and he said he doesn’t want anyone to see it in case it causes panic.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked Mohsen. ‘Why would he say that? Now I’m panicking.’
‘We have to see that footage,’ Flora said, gravely. ‘Something big is happening in this town and we need to get to the bottom of it.’
‘And how are we supposed to see the footage? Where is it?’ asked Charlie, not wanting to know the answer.
‘It’s on the computers in the security office,’ replied Flora.
‘And that means …?’
‘That means we have to break into the security office, of course,’ replied Flora.
‘Break into somewhere? Well, what an enormous surprise,’ said Charlie, sounding not in the least surprised.
***
It didn’t take long for the gang to concoct a plan.fn1 The plan was:
1. Charlie changes into an animal.
2. Somehow they break into the office.
It wasn’t a very detailed plan, but the four friends were all very happy with it.
They took the opportunity at lunch break.
They waited for the coast to be clear outside the security office, which was fortunately down a quiet corridor.
‘OK, Charlie,’ said Flora. ‘It’s time to do your thing. We need you to break the door down. So think strong.’
Charlie closed his eyes. His darkest thoughts were so near the surface now – my family is breaking up – he began to change almost at once. In his mind, Charlie kept a clear picture of the strongest animal he knew – a gorilla – and was relieved when he started to feel hair sprouting all over his body. But the relief was short-lived as he began shrinking instead of growing. And once he had gone from small to very small to really, really tiny, he knew he definitely wasn’t turning into a gorilla.
From what he could see of himself, he looked like a monkey of some sort but he was so small that couldn’t be right, could it? He looked up at his three friends, who were staring at him in astonished silence. Then …
‘OH MY GOSH HE IS SO ADORABLE!’ squealed Flora.
‘HE’S SO TEENY AND FLUFFY!’ squealed Wogan.
‘I WANT TO SMUSH HIM ALL UP, HE’S SO CUTE!’ squealed Mohsen.
Guys, thought Charlie. Can we please stop all the squealing?
‘What IS he? He’s beautiful!’ Wogan said, with a sappy look on his face.
‘He’s the cutest, most icklest, sweetest finger monkey!’fn2 replied Flora, with an even sappier look on her face.fn3
Ah, come on now, guys, squeaked Charlie. Pull yourselves together!
‘Can we pick him up?’ asked Wogan.
‘Yes, let’s! Just a quick cuddle!’ Flora bent down and scooped Charlie off the ground, then started cuddling him.
Stop it, guys! thought Charlie crossly. We’re on an important mission here. Focus!
‘Oh he’s so fuzzy!’ cried Flora, snuggling Charlie the finger monkey.
‘It’s my turn!’ shouted Wogan, trying to snatch Charlie from Flora.
‘Be careful! You’ll drop him!’ shouted Flora.
‘Give him here!’ shouted Wogan, managing to tug Charlie away from Flora and cuddling him in the crook of his neck.
‘Give him back!’ yelled Flora, trying to grab him.
‘It’s not fair!’ Mohsen shouted, stamping his foot. ‘It’s my turn to cuddle Charlie! And that’s something I never thought I would say.’
Right, thought Charlie, who was starting to worry he might get pulled apart. That is it! I’ve had enough!
Charlie, who was now very good at changing quickly, turned back to himself so fast he was Charlie again before Wogan could put him down.
So it was unfortunate that Daisy and Lola chose that exact moment to come round the corner, to find Wogan cradling his best friend in his arms like an overgrown baby. As soon as Wogan saw Daisy staring, he dropped Charlie on the floor.
‘Ow!’ cried Charlie. ‘That hurt!’
‘Hi, Daisy!’ said Wogan in a strangled voice.
‘Er, hi,’ replied Daisy. ‘What are you guys up to?’
‘Um, just trying to break into the office to see if we can find out what happened to the school chickens,’ Wogan said, trying to sound brave. ‘But the security is impregnable,’ he con
tinued, thumping his palm against the door in frustration. ‘It’s like a bank vault.’
Daisy walked over, turned the handle and the door opened.
‘Did you even try opening it?’ she asked. ‘They never lock this door. See you!’
Daisy and Lola walked off, leaving the four friends in a state of shocked silence. And then the silence broke into a sudden pile-up of arguments.
‘I thought you checked the door!’
‘I thought Flora did it! She’s supposed to be the clever one!’
‘What? I can’t think of EVERYTHING!’
‘I didn’t even get a chance to cuddle Charlie!’
‘You all went bananas and nearly pulled me in two!’
‘So what? You really embarrassed me in front of Daisy, so thanks VERY much!’
‘You dropped me! On the floor!’
‘She saw me cuddling you! What was I supposed to do? KEEP cuddling you? She’d never let me go to the dance with her then!’
The friends kept arguing for a while longer until slowly they all began to see the ridiculousness of the situation and the shouting turned into laughter.fn4
‘Shall we go in?’ Flora smiled, opening the door widely and giving a little bow.
They all piled into the small room and shut the door behind them. It was dimly lit, hot, dusty and full of whirring computers. A couple of computer screens showed flickering security footage of various parts of the school, all branded with the logo of Van der Gruyne Industries (who sold most of the security systems in town).
They dived on to one of the computers, and after a few minutes of searching they found the file containing the footage of the camera that covered the school field where the chicken coop sat. They clicked play, hardly daring to breathe.
They watched it on fast forward until Mohsen suddenly shouted, ‘Stop!’
‘There!’ he said. ‘At the back of the field!’
Charlie let the video play at normal speed. Mohsen was right, there was movement in the background – a brown shape clambering over the school fence. It seemed to get a leg caught at the top and then fell to the ground like a sack of rocks. The brown shape lay stunned for a moment, then picked itself up and lumbered forward through the playground. Although the footage was shaky and grainy, the shape looked like …
