Just take it, he says, take it, we have to do the other leg now.
FORTY-FIVE
I think it snowed a little during the night, but this morning the sky is blue and hard. The icicles glitter from the roofline.
On the stove, a kettle filled with snow. Back in the fall, Matthias would draw water directly from the stream that flows down toward the village. It was clear and transparent, and tasted of smooth stones and roots. Some mornings, he had to break through the ice to fill his bucket. At first all he had to do was lean on the surface, but soon he had to use a branch, then a hatchet. One day he got tired of it and started melting snow. It does not taste the same, but I can’t complain. Matthias does everything here. He feeds the stove, cooks, and empties the pot I use as a toilet. He is the one who decides, disposes, takes responsibility. He is the master of time and space.
And I am powerless. I do not have the strength, and even less so the mobility. I don’t have the energy to communicate, interact, converse. Nor the desire. I prefer to ruminate on my misfortune in silence. At the beginning Matthias did not understand why I kept quiet. With time I think he has gotten used to it.
Since my accident, I have had trouble retracing the chain of events. With the pain, fever, and fatigue, the usual duration of days and weeks has been disrupted by the impatience of snow. Everything happened so fast. The accident, the watchmen, the operation, then I found myself here, with Matthias. I know very well he wanted nothing to do with me. My presence makes him ill at ease and bothers him. His plans have been upset. Since the power went out, nothing has happened the way he anticipated.
When they found me underneath my car, the watchmen saw I was finished. There was nothing anyone could do. My legs had been crushed by the impact. I had lost a lot of blood. By a stroke of luck, when they shined their light, someone thought he recognized me. And he convinced the others to bring me to the village.
It was raining. Torrents of water streamed down over the forest. I remember that much, the people carrying me had trouble making progress in the mud. There was no doctor in the village. Only a veterinarian and a pharmacist. Since the power went out, they were taking care of the injured and sick. They took care of the worst cases too, when there was no more cause for hope.
I was lying in a bed in a narrow, dim room. They had wrapped my legs in thick bandages and handcuffed my wrists to the bedframe. Some light managed to slip between the planks of the boarded-up window. Every time I lifted my head to see where I was, a lightning bolt of pain shot through my body.
People were coming to my bedside all the time. To bring me food. Give me pills. Ask me questions. My name? Where was I heading? What happened with the accident? I was in enormous pain, and the world was reduced to a few shapes bending over me as they might bend over a bottomless well. They insisted I answer the questions they asked over and over again. I could scream and struggle all I wanted, no one seemed to understand what I was trying to say. They must have wondered if they should cut short my suffering or make the effort to take care of me.
When they finally left me alone, I tried to listen to what was going on in the room next door. People were coming and going. Sometimes they raised their voices and I managed to decipher the conversation. Other times they whispered and nothing
was audible.
The accident was violent. I was in a state of confusion. I dreamed of my car. I searched for my father. My memories overlapped. I pictured the scene over and over again. Days and nights on the road. The black-out, the gas stations pillaged, the militia by the side of the roads, panic in the cities. And suddenly, a few kilometres from the village, in the tired glow of my headlights, two arms lifted skyward. Tires squealing on the pavement. The attempt at evasive action. The heavy impact. The blood. The cracks in the windshield. The car rolling over. My body thrown from it. Then the weight of the metal on my legs.
I had left the village more than ten years earlier. Ten years and no word from me, or almost none. I buried the past and thought I would never come back. But the watchman had no doubt who I was and he insisted I be taken care of. His voice was clear from the other side of the wall.
Enough is enough. We can’t leave him to die like that. Don’t you recognize him? He’s the mechanic’s son. He left here a long time ago. He’s in a state of shock, but give him a chance. His father just died, but he still has family in the village. His aunts and uncles live on the road that goes to the mine. I’ll go fetch them.
My aunts and uncles came. At first I thought I was seeing ghosts, then I heard their voices and tears came to my eyes.
Yes, my uncles confirmed, struck by the terrible shape I was in, that’s him. My aunts held my hands and tried to comprehend what had happened to me. I was so happy to see them I couldn’t say a single word.
The handcuffs, take off his handcuffs, my aunts demanded. Right now.
The people told them I had been agitated since I found out my father had died, and they had to be careful so I would not aggravate my injuries. My aunts and uncles went into the room next door. I knew they were discussing my situation, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. It sounded serious.
A little later, the veterinarian and the pharmacist came into the room. They sat down next to the bed. The veterinarian lit her headlamp and cut off the bandages that girded my legs. I watched her from the corner of my eye. Her face was familiar. Her features hardened when she saw how bad my injuries were. She turned to the pharmacist. He nodded his head. As she was putting on her mask and gloves, the veterinarian looked at me and I knew she had recognized me too. The pharmacist put a sponge over my mouth and nose, and she told me to count to ten. Her voice. Yes, her voice reminded me of something. Her voice echoed back to me, but I could not remember her name. The beam of her lamp swept the room. Then everything went black.
When I came to, I had no idea where I was. Luckily my aunts were at my bedside. I heard them discussing in low voices. I lifted my head and saw that my legs were tightly held in solid wooden splints. When my aunts realized I was awake, they rushed to comfort me.
Don’t worry. The operation was a success. You’ll be fine. You’ll make it out of here. Here, drink some water. You need to rest. You have to get your strength back. Yes, rest up.
A few moments later, I was exhausted. I lapsed back into nightmares of chase, a famished beast, a labyrinth. They pursued one another in a single incoherent dream.
The next day or the day after, I’m not sure, the watchman returned to see me. Finally he took off my handcuffs. He brought me water, a piece of bread, and a can of tuna. He used the opportunity to ask questions, too. When he saw I was not answering, he kept quiet for a while, then changed his strategy.
Even if the electricity ends up coming back, things won’t be the same. You know, everything that happened since the blackout has disfigured our lives. Here we’re probably getting along better than in the city, but it’s still not easy. At first people stuck together, then some of them panicked, a few left the village, and others tried to take advantage of the situation. Since then calm has been restored. We distribute food and make our rounds and keep an eye on things. But we have to be vigilant. Everything could go wrong at any time.
The veterinarian and the pharmacist arrived and interrupted the watchman.
How is he doing?
Not too bad.
The veterinarian examined my legs while the pharmacist had me swallow a handful of pills.
He doesn’t have a fever, the veterinarian said after she took my temperature.
That’s because of what I’m giving him, the pharmacist told her. That, and only that.
The veterinarian came to me and said my legs were fractured in several places. She had operated in a similar way in the past several times, but only on cows, horses, and dogs.
I looked at her and smiled.
She ran her hand through my hair.
You’l
l make it all right.
Then the two of them, along with the watchman, went into the room next door. I heard the pharmacist’s voice through the wall.
He survived the accident and reacted well to the operation, but sooner or later his wounds are going to get infected. It’s inevitable. He will need a lot of antibiotics and analgesics, and our stocks are limited.
They wondered who was going to take care of me. My aunts and uncles, no doubt. With the blackout, everyone was overworked. There was too much to do. Who else would have time to look after a gravely injured man? Care for him, feed him, wash him?
Then their voices dropped and I lost the thread of the conversation.
A few days later, my legs were swollen and my wounds were so painful I could hardly breathe. I was shivering and sweating. I needed help for everything. People came and went by my bedside. They covered their ears to keep from hearing my feverish lamentations.
Twice a day, Maria came and gave me a shot. That allowed me a few hours’ respite before the pain returned to blur my vision.
I knew it, the pharmacist sighed. I knew we would end up giving him all the medication we have.
With the pills and shots, I managed to sleep a little. But when I opened my eyes, I had no idea whether I had slept a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. Often I dreamed I was pinned to the ground and that someone was cutting off my legs with an axe. It wasn’t a nightmare. I felt a sudden liberation.
My aunts and uncles came to visit me frequently. Even if everything around me was a theatre of shadows, I could hear them talking, telling stories, making jokes. Then, one day, they explained they couldn’t wait anymore. It was hunting season. A number of families had already taken to the woods. The electricity was not coming back and food had to be put up before winter.
We’re going to the hunting camp, they announced. We’ll be back in a few weeks with meat, a lot of meat. We wish you could come with us, but that wouldn’t work. In the meantime, don’t worry, you’re in good hands. We were promised they would take good care of you. You have to do your part and work on getting better.
They each said their goodbyes, then they left. I wished I could have made them stay.
Some time later a group came into my room. The watchman, the veterinarian, and the pharmacist were there. Someone began speaking, telling me it was out of the question for me to stay here, in this house. I felt their eyes running along the walls, slipping to the floor, and disappearing into the cracks between the planks. No one wanted the extra burden. Maybe they should have left me to my fate under the car. Then the veterinarian broke the silence and offered to take care of me until my family returned. The pharmacist cut her off immediately.
That makes no sense, we can’t have him in our house. We did what we could. We have other patients to look after.
The watchman stepped forward as if he wanted to make a suggestion. But he kept his mouth shut.
I can solve the problem, the pharmacist went on, in a way that will ease the burden on everyone. You can see how much pain he’s in.
The veterinarian stared at the watchman, who was standing in the middle of the room. And that’s when, if I remember rightly, he mentioned the old man who had come to live in the house at the top of the hill.
You know, the old guy who showed up at the beginning of the summer. He had car trouble, he was looking for a mechanic. Then the power went off and he couldn’t leave. He started living in the house on the hill. Sometimes we see him when he comes down to the village. He’s always saying he needs to get back to the city, and that the woman next door to where he lived is going to come for him one of these days. But she never showed up. Nobody believes his story, but everyone knows he always accepts the rations we give him. I came across him the other day near the church. We talked. He’s old, that’s for sure. But he looks in good shape. And he’s a lot more lucid than people like to think.
Him? the pharmacist said, surprised. He tried to steal a pickup truck a while back. I caught him just as he was breaking into it. He pretended nothing was up, as usual. He’s a wily old bastard. But why not? We could fob off our injury case on him.
FORTY-FIVE
In the morning, every morning, Matthias does his exercises. With the concentration of an alchemist, he carries out a series of odd postures, lengthy stretches, and quick contractions. Sometimes he maintains the same position for several minutes. His immobility is powerful and subterranean. Generally he accompanies his movements with deep breathing. He bends, straightens, contorts. His gestures are broad and flexible. When he breathes out, you can hear the strength of his diaphragm, as if he is fighting, with great slowness, a stranger, a bear, or a monster. Then, without warning, he stops completely and stands straight with an air of triumph. His day can begin.
The sky lightened some time ago, but the sun has scarcely made it above the forest. At certain spots its rays have pierced the trellis of trees. I take out my spyglass and examine the surroundings. The snow is unmarked except for Matthias’s heavy footprints and the skittish traces of squirrels. The other animals have retreated deeper into the woods. They can concentrate on surviving that way, far from our eyes.
Matthias is making coffee. Since there is not much of it, he mixes two spoonfuls of grounds with one of fresh coffee.
That was exactly what he was doing when I was brought here. Strange how clear my memory is of the smell in the room. Matthias opened the door to the veterinarian who was standing before him in the rain. Behind her, the watchman and the pharmacist were carrying me on a stretcher. Matthias invited everyone in for coffee.
Fever and antibiotics had cast me into a state of lethargy that had nothing to do with sleep. I was in a sort of passive wakefulness, halfway between a coma and a coherent dream. I did not move, I did not speak, but I heard everything.
Who is he? Matthias asked as he bent over me.
The mechanic’s son, the veterinarian told him. He was in a car accident.
The watchman looked around the room. There was a woodstove, a rocking chair, a table, and a sofa. A single bed bordered the window.
You’re well set up here, he remarked.
The house was abandoned. I fixed up this room in the meantime.
In the meantime?
Matthias hesitated.
Until the neighbour lady comes, he said finally. She’s taking her time, but she’s going to come for me. For sure. She knows I have to get back to town. She understands.
The watchman rubbed his chin.
You’ve been saying that for a while now. Why do you want to go back to the city so much? It’s eight hours by car in good conditions, and you know, with the power out, you can’t get around like you used to. There are roadblocks everywhere, militias, highwaymen. They say it’s chaos in the city, accidents at every corner, the stores looted, people fleeing. Maybe your neighbour had a problem, the watchman said, weighing his words.
She’ll come, Matthias insisted. She’ll come.
What if she doesn’t? What are you going to do? Steal a truck?
Matthias kept his eyes fastened on the grounds in his coffee cup.
There’s no more gas anywhere, you know.
I have to get back to town, Matthias repeated.
They stood there in silence, as if the discussion had come to an end. Then the watchman started talking again.
We’re lucky here, our village is hidden in the middle of the forest. Having no power complicates things, but at least everything is under control. We watch the entrance to the village, we consolidate our resources, we help each other out.
Matthias did not react. He waited for what would come next.
You know some people are talking about making an expedition if the outage continues. The idea is to get in contact with the outside world. They would go to the villages along the coast, then to the city. Some of them want to find family members who live ther
e. That’s normal, you know, when you haven’t had news from relatives in a long time.
The watchman paused for effect and cast a glance in my direction. At the time, I remember, with the fog of medication, I had to concentrate to follow what was happening around me.
I have a proposal for you, the watchman went on. You look after him and we’ll keep a spot for you in the convoy that will be going to the city. From now on, you’ll get two shares of rations. That way you’ll manage. And you won’t have to go down to the village, I’ll come by and bring it to you.
Matthias looked out the window.
I have to get back to town before winter.
I understand, the watchman went on, but it takes time to organize an expedition. You have to find gas, food, equipment. You have to consider security, and plan out the itinerary. No one wants to get caught by winter, you know, especially when there are no more plows clearing the roads.
When will you be leaving?
Spring.
This spring? Matthias said, discouraged.
Yes, this spring. As soon as the roads are passable.
That’s too late, Matthias complained, how am I going to get along?
You’re going to be patient and you’re going to take care of him. That will be your contribution. Then you’ll have your spot in the convoy.
He’s in bad shape, Matthias muttered, looking at my splints.
Yes, but he’ll make it.
You think so? Matthias questioned, raising his eyebrows.
The veterinarian wanted to step in, but the pharmacist motioned her to wait. Matthias paced the room.
What about wood for the stove?
I’ll see to it, the watchman promised, I’ll bring everything you need.
The Weight of Snow Page 2
