“Not really.”
“It’s for longer.”
Natalie shrugged. “Well, we try, if it doesn’t work it doesn’t. But it’s been fine until now, so I don’t see what’s going to change.”
Evie thought for a moment, and decided Natalie was right. Natalie seemed to be thinking too.
“You’re absolutely sure about this,” Evie said.
Natalie nodded. “Yes, I am.”
“Okay,” Evie said. “Then I’ll stay a bit longer. But, like we are, yeah? I’ll keep my old place, and just sort of be here. Like around, and turning up, but not actually do anything particular yet. Is that okay?”
“That’s fine.”
“Really?”
Natalie nodded. She got up, and went into the kitchen, and got her spare keys out a kitchen drawer. Evie knew what they were, because she’d found them weeks ago while she was looking for knives. Natalie came back to the couch, and unpicked the door key from the rest of the key-ring. She held it out to Evie. “I’ll get you a key-card for the lift as soon as I can,” she said.
Evie didn’t move. She sat there looking at Natalie’s hand.
“Evie?” Natalie said. “Are you okay?”
Evie nodded, and took the key. She held it for a moment, warm from Natalie’s hand, thinking nothing particular. Then she put it on the coffee table, and looked at the TV. Seeing it without especially seeing it.
Natalie seemed to understand, at least enough to leave Evie to think. She sat beside Evie, sipping wine, watching TV too.
After a while Evie said, “I haven’t done anything about dinner.”
“We can go out.”
Evie nodded. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t.”
Natalie shrugged.
They both kept looking at the TV.
“Hey Natalie,” Evie said, without looking away from the screen. “Are we some kind of a thing now?”
“Some kind of thing?”
“Yep. Some kind. Are we?”
“I don’t know,” Natalie said. “Do you us want to be?”
“I think I do.”
Natalie smiled.
“I mean,” Evie said. “We seem to be, right? With me still being here and all?”
Natalie nodded. “I think we are,” she said.
“Yep,” Evie said. “You know what? I think so too.”
There was another silence. After a while, Evie said, “Fuck,” and Natalie laughed, and that was enough.
Later they went out for dinner.
18: Natalie
A few nights later, from the kitchen, while she was studying, Evie said suddenly, “You’re not drinking as much as you used to.”
She had a way of saying things like that without warning, without looking up, while still seeming to be reading. As though she studied until she lost her concentration, and then said whatever was on her mind.
“What?” Natalie said, from the couch across the room.
“Back when I first met you, you drank more. And more often. You’re not drinking as much now.”
“No,” Natalie said. “I suppose I’m not.”
“But I am,” Evie said. She had a glass of wine beside her on the table. She had taken the bottle with her to finish, she’d said, because it was red and open and she’d been having trouble focussing all day. She had been in the bathroom with pot earlier too, Natalie thought, guessing from the lingering smell.
“I wasn’t counting,” Natalie said.
“I was,” Evie said. “Is that okay? I mean, I’m not drinking too much of your good wine or something?”
“Of course not.”
“Good,” Evie said.
“You don’t need to check. There’s wine. If we need more, I’ll get more. Stop worrying.”
“I’m not worrying,” Evie said. “I’m asking politely.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Never mind then.”
“Smartass,” Evie said. She sat there for a moment, as if she was still reading, then said, “So you drinking. What was that about?”
Suddenly Natalie understood what they were really talking about. “Nothing much,” she said, cautiously. “Not really.”
“You know how sometimes I say you’ll need to tell me eventually?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that. This is one of those times.”
“You really want to know?”
“Yep,” Evie said, looking up. “I really do. Because of how I asked and everything…”
Natalie was sitting on the couch, and had been reading papers for work. She decided they were actually talking now, and put her laptop on the floor. “Yes,” she said. “All right. I suppose I’d got into a habit of drinking a little more than was sensible. For a while, anyway. That’s all.”
“I noticed. Like the first time we met.”
Natalie shrugged, slightly embarrassed.
“Why?” Evie said. “I’m just curious.”
“I don’t know. Loneliness, I suppose. After Meredith. Being on my own, and being sick of being on my own, and that being a bit miserable. All of that, and at the same time, really nothing too. Nothing interesting or special, just the usual.”
“Yeah,” Evie said. “I think I understand.”
“And now I’ve stopped again mostly,” Natalie said. “Because I don’t need to any more. So there you go. That’s about it.”
“You don’t need to?”
Natalie shook her head.
“Because I’m around?” Evie said.
“Yes.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Well, good.”
“It was never anything very serious,” Natalie said. “Just to say that again. Just so you don’t worry. It really was just a bad habit rather than anything else.”
Evie nodded. “That’s good too.”
“I thought so. But I’m distracting you. I should let you study.”
“Nah, you’re not. I haven’t been able to concentrate all day. I said that already, didn’t I?”
“You did.”
Evie turned in her chair, to face towards Natalie. She lifted her feet up as well, getting comfortable, and sat hugging her knees. She seemed to be thinking. “So what happened with the ex?” she said. “If it’s okay for me to ask?”
“You can ask. She had an affair. It went on for a while. Eventually she left me for the other woman.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “I’m sorry.”
Natalie shrugged.
“God, I’m really sorry,” Evie said. “That’s awful.”
“I think we’d probably stayed together longer than we should have. I mean, I think that now. Because people expected us to. Friends, and work as well. Everyone.”
“All the same…”
“Yes,” Natalie said. “Well. Obviously at the time I thought it was pretty awful. I was quite upset.”
“I imagine,” Evie said, thinking. “How did it go with all the friends?”
“Not well. Which is why you might have noticed there aren’t many around any more.”
Evie nodded. “I wondered. That isn’t good.”
“It isn’t, no.”
“Well,” Evie said. “Sympathies and stuff. I’ve been there.”
Natalie thought about that, and was suddenly curious. She started wondering what heartbreaks Evie had been through.
“Do you want to tell me,” Natalie said.
Evie shrugged. “There isn’t much. First serious girl, it didn’t end well. She hurt me and I got kind of publically, embarrassingly upset.”
Natalie nodded, thinking that explained a lot. Evie’s wariness about the words they used and promises they made and her caution about what everything meant. Evie had baggage she was bringing to this, too, and Natalie wondered why she hadn’t thought of that before. It seemed bad that she hadn’t Like anyone else, Evie had probably been hurt, and Natalie hadn’t thought to wonder about that until now. It was a little surprising to suddenly realise she should have.
“I don’t want that to happen ever again,”
Evie said. “Being let down by someone I thought I could trust. So I’m careful now. You might have noticed.”
“I noticed,” Natalie said. “But me too. Me either. Whichever of those is right.”
“I get what you mean.”
“I don’t want to be hurt either,” Natalie said, wanting to be understood. “I don’t want to hurt you. Not anyone, but especially not you.”
“So don’t,” Evie said. “Simple.”
“I won’t,” Natalie said. She suspected Evie had been joking, but answered seriously anyway.
“Yeah,” Evie said, seeming to notice. “And honestly, I think I always knew you wouldn’t. That’s probably why I’m here.”
“Because I won’t hurt you on purpose?”
Evie nodded. “Because I trust you.”
“Not because…. I don’t know. Whatever? Fun and so on?”
Evie shrugged. “Not especially. I mean, yes, of course, but also no. I’m here because I trust you, but I want to be here because the other stuff. Does that make sense?”
Natalie nodded. Actually it did. She felt mostly the same way.
“And I like being around someone who understands me,” Evie said. “Who I don’t have to pretend to be stupid or shallow or whatever around.”
“Same,” Natalie said. “Me too.”
Evie grinned. “Thought you might.”
“Oh I do,” Natalie said. “God, you can’t imagine. And I like working too much as well. Just while we’re saying this. And I like that you work a lot too, and that you seem happy doing it. I think we fit like that.”
Evie nodded. “I know.”
“And I like ambition,” Natalie said, since she was making lists.
“I like that you like those things.”
“But you don’t?”
Evie shrugged. “Not as much as you, I think. But enough.”
Natalie nodded.
Evie sat there for a while, looking over at Natalie. “Hey,” she said. “So something else. While we’re saying stuff. The one who broke my heart and everything, she wasn’t that serious. I mean, I thought it was, and it mattered to me a lot at the time, but it wasn’t really. It wasn’t anything much.”
“All right,” Natalie said.
“Just so you know, is all. She wasn’t serious.”
Natalie nodded.
“You are though,” Evie said.
“I am what?” Natalie said. “Serious?”
Evie nodded. “You feel serious. Serious enough. Whatever that means right now.”
“I’m serious about you.”
“I know. So don’t make a big thing of this, and get all weird at me, but you’re my first real girlfriend, now I think about it.”
“Oh,” Natalie said, surprised. “Shit, Evie, I…”
“I said don’t get weird.”
“I’m not. I…”
“I was just thinking about it, was all. Everyone else has been, well, casual. Like carefully unserious. You’re the first person I got this serious with. I mean, as serious as it is now.”
“I’m… flattered. And surprised.”
“And again, with what I just said? About not getting weird…”
“Sorry,” Natalie said, then, “I’m really not.”
Evie grinned.
“I’m still flattered,” Natalie said.
“Yay for you.”
“I am.”
“Yeah, well,” Evie said. “I wouldn’t get too smug. It’s probably as much because I haven’t had time to meet anyone else, as because I only just met you.”
Natalie grinned at her, then said, “I don’t care. I think it’s because you just met me.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m not.”
Natalie got up and went over and kissed Evie, and Evie pretended to be suddenly busy, and kept reading for a moment before she kissed back, laughing. Kissing once led to kissing a lot more, and then to Evie closing her book and her laptop’s lid, and saying if Natalie was just going to interrupt her they may as well just go to bed now.
They went to bed, and Natalie was happy. This, with Evie, was good.
*
After sex, Evie lay on the bed, motionless, staring up at the ceiling. “I should get back up,” she said, after a while. “But I really can’t be bothered.”
“Just stay here,” Natalie said, stroking her back. “Have an early night.”
“I shouldn’t,” Evie said, but didn’t actually move.
Natalie kept stroking, and Evie lay where she was. She was so still that Natalie wondered if she’d gone to sleep. She might have, with the odd hours she was keeping and her busy workload. Natalie decided to get ready for bed and try not to disturb Evie while she did. She slid off the bed, carefully, trying to be quiet, but when she moved, Evie rolled over.
“Stay there,” Natalie said softly. “I’m just going to brush my teeth.”
“Yep,” Evie said, sounding sleepy. “Okay.”
Natalie went into the bathroom, and started brushing.
“I don’t think I can’t be bothered getting up again,” Evie called.
Natalie looked through the doorway. Evie was sitting up, but looking slightly floppy. “So don’t,” Natalie said. “Go to sleep.”
“I don’t know,” Evie said. “I have stuff I need to do.”
“A night off will help.”
“Yeah,” Evie said. “Maybe. I really can’t be bothered moving.”
Natalie smiled.
“Even to brush my teeth,” Evie said.
“So don’t,” Natalie said. “I don’t care.”
She rinsed her mouth, and went back to bed. She undressed, and lay down beside Evie, and reached for the beside lamp.
“Not yet,” Evie said. “I’m still deciding.”
Natalie stopped, surprised. “You look half asleep.”
“I feel all asleep,” Evie said. “But I’m still deciding.”
Natalie shrugged, and left the lamp switched on.
“Hold me,” Evie said, and turned over onto her side. Natalie did, pressing close against Evie’s back. Evie lay still, and started breathing slowly, so after a while, Natalie reached for lamp again.
“Still awake,” Evie said.
Natalie moved her hand. “Are you sure?”
“Mostly,” Evie said.
“You could just to go sleep.”
“I’m not tired, really. Just exhausted. I can’t be bothered getting up.”
Natalie nodded. She understood.
“I can go away if I’m bothering you, though,” Evie said.
“Of course not,” Natalie said. “Stay there.”
“I won’t keep you awake? I mean, I’m not am I? Right now?”
“Not yet.”
“By talking?”
“I’ll tell you when you are.”
“Okay.”
They lay there a little longer, and Evie’s breathing became slow once more. Natalie wondered about the light again, but didn’t actually bother, assuming Evie was still awake. Evie was. After a few moments she said, “So how did it work out with your ex and her new girlfriend?”
“What?” Natalie said, and then remembered what they’d been talking about earlier. “Why?” she said instead.
“I’m curious. How did they end up?”
“Not well, actually. They broke up fairly quickly.”
“Good. It serves her right.”
Natalie wanted to laugh. “I wouldn’t go that far,” she said.
“Yeah? Well, I would.” Evie sounded quite fierce.
Natalie lifted up on her elbow, and looked at Evie, and Evie grinned back. “What?” she said.
“Nothing,” Natalie said.
Evie was quiet. She seemed to be thinking. “I suppose its what happens though, isn’t it?” she said, after a moment. “The fantasy person isn’t so wonderful when you start seeing her every day.”
“Not always,” Natalie said.
“How do you mean?”
“You are,” Natalie said.
Evie looked at her, pointedly, then said, “Yeah, asshole.”
“What?”
“Stop acting weird,” Evie said. “Again.”
“I’m not, am I?”
“You are,” Evie said. “Although same. About seeing you every day. But you’re still an asshole for saying that.”
Natalie smiled.
“So,” Evie said. “Weird question. Do you have a photo of your ex?”
“I do. Why?”
“I’m nosy. And curious, I suppose. Because you were with her so long, I kind of want to see.”
“I’ve got photos somewhere.”
“So can I see?”
“Of course,” Natalie said.
Evie lay there for a moment, then said, “Well?”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Right now?”
“Why not?”
“It’s late. And we’re in bed.”
“Is it in a storage locker or something?”
“Um, no. In the hall cupboard.”
Evie shrugged. “I don’t have to if you don’t want me to. If it’s weird or something.”
“No, I…” Natalie said, and then stopped. It was late, and she had work tomorrow, but she didn’t actually mind showing Evie, especially since she wasn’t completely sure why Evie suddenly cared. She wasn’t sure, as with the wine earlier, that there weren’t two conversations happening at once.
“Hold on,” Natalie said, and got up and went out into the hall. She looked among the boxes on the top shelf of the cupboard until she found the right photo album. It was a wedding one. A commitment ceremony, actually, which was as much of a wedding as had been allowed back then. She took the album back to the bedroom, and handed it to Evie.
Evie opened it, and looked, and Natalie suddenly wondered if this was a terrible idea. Anything could go wrong, she realized. Evie might start to feel odd, or worse, to think about Natalie’s age, and Natalie didn’t really want to start remembering Meredith fondly either, not right how when she was happy with Evie.
She sat down beside Evie, on the edge of the bed, sitting sideways so she could see Evie’s face as well as the album.
She waited, watching Evie.
Evie was staring at the photo on the front page, of Natalie and Meredith in profile, facing each other, smiling. Natalie looked too, thinking, slightly enviously, that Meredith always dressed well. She had a very classic, elegant sense of style, which meant her old photos never looked as awful as most people’s did, including the photos Evie was staring at now.
Evie's Job Page 31
