Evie was scared. So scared she wanted to cry. Oddly, at the same time, she was almost relieved the waiting was over.
Meredith looked at Evie, right at her, and then smiled. A really nasty smile, an obviously nasty smile, one that everyone could see. She smiled at Evie, stared at her, and kept right on talking too. There wasn’t the slightest hesitation in the answer she was giving. She was used to thinking while she talked, Evie supposed, and despite herself, was impressed.
“Oh fuck,” Evie whispered quietly. “Oh fuck fuck fuck.”
“Calm,” Lizzy whispered, and then started laughing silently. Slightly nervous laughter, laughter despite herself.
“Stop it,” Evie said.
“I can’t help it,” Lizzy gasped.
“Stop, you fucking idiot,” Evie whispered. “What do you think she’ll do to anyone else who knows me?”
Lizzy stopped, quite suddenly, and went completely still. Evie glanced sideways. Lizzy looked scared and slightly ill.
Exactly how Evie felt.
Meredith answered two more questions, glancing back at Evie as she did, then looked up, at the clock on the wall, and said, “Time for one more. Does anyone…” A few hands went up. “Evie?” she said, looking straight at Evie.
Evie froze. Then she panicked. She wasn’t especially comfortable with public speaking, not for someone who wanted to be a lawyer. She wasn’t usually comfortable at the best of times, and she absolutely wasn’t now.
“Um,” Evie said, and swallowed, her mouth dry. “No, sorry. It was nothing.”
Meredith stared at her for a moment. Cruelly, Evie thought. “Are you sure?” Meredith said. “It looked like your hand was up.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“I could have sworn it was.”
“I mean, it was,” Evie said desperately. “Yep. But someone already asked what I was going to ask so never mind now.”
Evie was babbling. She knew she was, and Meredith did too. Meredith just smiled, and let her go on, which Evie thought was a little unkind.
“Well that’s good,” Meredith said, and looked away. A glance, so Evie was breathlessly relieved, and then Meredith looked back. “Did you have anything to add to that?” she said.
“To what?” Evie said.
Meredith smiled again. “To my answer. From before.”
“Not really,” Evie said. Her voice was quiet, her mouth too dry to speak.
“Sorry,” Meredith said loudly. “I didn’t quite catch that?”
“It’s fine,” Evie said. “I’ve nothing to add. I’m good, thank you.”
“If you’re sure.”
“Yep,” Evie said.
Meredith waited a moment longer, staring at Evie. Just long enough that Evie almost cracked, and blurted something out. Something desperate, she didn’t know what. Fuck off or please don’t or just leave me alone. Anything to make Meredith stop.
“That’s a shame,” Meredith said, and then finally turned away. “How about you?” she said to someone down the front.
Evie sat there feeling ill. Actually ill. Her breathing was odd, and her hands felt clammy. Lizzy patted her leg under the table. Carefully under the table, Evie assumed, deliberately out of sight. Where Meredith wouldn’t notice it, and ruin Lizzy’s life too.
Evie felt nervous and sick and almost actually scared. She didn’t know why, or what she was afraid of. She sat and breathed slowly. She listened while the lecturer thanked Meredith. She clapped, when everyone else did, hoping Meredith would just leave.
Meredith did. She didn’t look at Evie again. She was already going as everyone clapped. She left the room, and Evie almost cried again, this time with relief.
People around them began to pack up. “Holy fuck,” Lizzy said.
Evie nodded, and put her laptop in her bag. She didn’t know what to say after that.
“Are you okay?” Lizzy said.
Evie shook her head, and stood up. She just wanted to leave. She pushed past a few people, and made her way out.
*
Evie went home to Natalie’s apartment, worried, almost panicking, unsure what to do about Meredith. She couldn’t concentrate. She couldn’t study. She sat on the couch, trying to decide whether to cry. After a while, she took out her phone, and called Natalie’s work. She got Natalie’s assistant, and asked if Natalie was free, but Natalie wasn’t, not for half an hour at least.
“Could you ask her to call me?” Evie said, and then sat down to wait, but waiting, without anything useful to do, that just made everything worse. She picked up her phone again, and tried Natalie’s mobile, just in case Natalie was able to answer. Natalie had more important meetings and less important meetings, and sometimes she would pick up if Evie rung.
Natalie did, to Evie’s surprise. It seemed like a day when nothing would be that simple.
“Hi,” Natalie said, to Evie’s tremendous relief. It helped just to hear Natalie’s voice. Evie was so relieved that she almost felt confused. She hesitated, wondering if she was hearing the start of Natalie’s voicemail message. She almost imagined she was, and for some reason didn’t speak.
“Evie?” Natalie said. “Are you there?”
It wasn’t voicemail.
“Hey,” Evie said. “Something happened.” She tried to work out to explain, but couldn’t. She still couldn’t think clearly. Instead of explaining, she just blurted out, “How bad is it if Meredith knows who I am?”
“Why,” Natalie said. “What happened?”
“Meredith did a lecture today. In my course. And I was there.”
“Why wouldn’t you be in your course…?” Natalie said, sounding confused.
“No,” Evie said. “I mean, I was there, and Meredith was too.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Oh fuck. And she recognised you?”
Evie nodded. Then she realized she was talking on the phone and nodding, and said, “Yes,” out loud instead.
“Wait,” Natalie said. “Hold on a second.” There was the sound of muffled voices, Natalie saying she had to take this and would only be a moment, and then the sound of doors opening and closing. “All right,” Natalie said, after a moment. “We can talk now. I’m in my office.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt you…”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“No, I shouldn’t be bothering you.”
“I promise, it’s fine.”
“Thank you,” Evie said.
“It’s still fine. You’re worried about Meredith?”
Natalie was different when she was at work, Evie thought. More efficient and focused on fixing problems.
“Yes,” Evie said.
“Don’t be,” Natalie said. “Whatever’s worrying you, please don’t. Meredith won’t do it, whatever it is, I’m fairly sure of that. When we talked, she told me she wouldn’t do anything to you, and she usually keeps her word. I mean, she’s not a horrible person, she just plays a little rough.”
“Oh god,” Evie said. “Plays rough?”
“Not that rough,” Natalie said quickly. “And only sometimes. I’m sure she won’t do anything, is what I mean.”
“What does rough mean?”
“Probably nothing. Look, don’t worry about it, I’ll talk to her and sort this out for you if you like.”
“Okay,” Evie said. “Thank you.” Then she thought. “Wait, maybe you shouldn’t.”
“I don’t have to,” Natalie said, sounding unconvinced.
“You think you should?” Evie said, hearing her tone.
“What do you think?” Natalie said.
“I don’t know.”
“I think I should do what you want me to do.”
Evie hesitated, uncertain. “Actually,” she said. “Maybe you should.”
“You sound really upset,” Natalie said. “Are you all right?”
“Not really. I’m… I don’t know. I’m something I can’t work out. Um, could you really talk to her? And make her leave me alone? I don’t know if I shoul
d ask you to do that, but I think I really want to…”
“I can if you want me to.”
Evie wasn’t sure. She felt oddly reluctant. “I don’t actually know if I do.”
“Why not? Because you should fix this yourself? Like a grown up?”
“I suppose,” Evie said.
“She isn’t being a grown-up. Not really. Neither of you are.”
“Yep,” Evie said. “I know.”
There was a silence.
“Well, it’s up to you,” Natalie said. “Just let me know.”
Natalie was pushing gently, not quite demanding, but obviously hoping Evie would decide. Evie tried to decide, but kept changing her mind. She thought yes, then no, then yes again right away. She still felt confused. She didn’t really know why she wouldn’t want Natalie help. In the end, she thought, feeling safe was better than not feeling safe.
“Yes,” Evie said. “Yes, talk to her please.”
“I will, I promise, as soon as I can. I’ll try her now. But are you all right?”
“Not really.”
“Everything will be fine,” Natalie said. “I’ll make it fine. I’m sure I can, so please don’t worry.”
“What if she does something horrible to me? Maybe something about work? Like something to stop me practicing?”
“She can’t.”
“I know you think so. And I almost know you’re probably right…” Evie stopped.
“But?” Natalie said.
“Pretty much that. Just but, I suppose. But what if actually she can?”
“She can’t,” Natalie said. “I promise she can’t. This isn’t whatever you think this is. She can’t just go after you without it being public and very embarrassing for her, so stop worrying.”
“Because she’d have to explain how she knows me? Like through you?”
“That, and because she’s a senior partner bullying a student and that’s never a good thing.”
“Oh yeah,” Evie said, suddenly feeling better. “I suppose that’s true.”
“Evie, I promise this will be all right.”
Evie thought. “Unless she’s better at this than you…”
“She isn’t,” Natalie said.
“Are you sure?”
Natalie hesitated. “I think so,” she said. “I think I’m sure. But it isn’t going to come to that.”
Evie wasn’t sure what to say. Natalie was making her feel better. Better enough that she knew she ought to stop talking, to stop asking questions, and undermining her own confidence in Natalie.
“I should let you go,” Evie said. “I’m sorry I called you at work.”
“Do you want me to come home? Or do you want to come in here? Either’s fine if you’d like.”
“You can’t come home…” Evie said.
“Of course I can. I will if you need me to.”
“No,” Evie said. “That’s silly. You can’t.”
Natalie waited, as if expecting an answer, as if her coming home still wasn’t decided. Perhaps it wasn’t, Evie thought. Perhaps her answer hadn’t been clear enough.
“You can’t,” Evie said. “You don’t need to. Stay there, I’ll be okay.”
“I hope you are,” Natalie said. “And I think you will be. But call me if you’re not, all right?”
“I will,” Evie said. “I’m letting you go now. And thank you, I feel a lot better.”
“If you’re sure.”
“I’m sure.”
“Then I’ll see you tonight,” Natalie said. “But call me if you need to.”
“Yep,” Evie said. “I will, and bye. And thank you.”
“Goodbye,” Natalie said. “Be happy.”
“I will,” Evie said, and down put her phone. Then she sat on the couch for fifteen minutes and didn’t move.
*
Evie spent the rest of the day worrying, even though she’d told Natalie she wouldn’t. She was distracted and anxious, unable to stop thinking about Meredith, unable to do anything useful at all. She tried to make herself study. Her exams were only weeks away, and she needed every moment of study she had left to her. She tried to make herself study, but didn’t seem able to concentrate enough to manage to, so mostly, instead, she just sat in the kitchen and smoked.
It was a frustrating way to spend the day.
After a while, she turned on the TV, hoping to distract herself with some noise. It worked, but too well. She kept noticing what was on, and becoming just interested enough to forget what she was studying. She ended up stuck halfway between watching properly and not watching at all. She was paying too little attention to be lost in the shows, but too much to concentrate and actually read. She wasn’t being very productive, and she kept getting bored with the TV too. Bored was very bad. It left her mind unoccupied, and free to start worrying again. Bored wasn’t what she needed right then.
She was too anxious, she decided. She needed to do something else, something that either held her full attention, or none of it at all. She switched off the TV and went over to the window, taking the book she was meant to be reading with her. She stared out at the view, and felt a little happier, even though she wasn’t actually reading there, either. She was watching the harbour instead. Watching the ferries far away and far below, and the clouds above the city, and the tiny, moving, brightly-coloured dots that were runners on the paths along the waterfront. The runners kept catching her eye, visible even at that distance because the brightness of their running clothes stood out. She should go for a run, Evie thought, like Natalie probably would do if she was worrying about something. She should, she thought, but she didn’t actually run, so all she’d achieve was to make herself sore and sweaty, and she’d probably keep on worrying anyway.
She stood at the window, and looked at the sky, and eventually just gave up and smoked a little weed. She’d been trying to smoke less, especially at Natalie’s, since Natalie was worried about legal complications and had asked her to be careful with it around the house. Evie hadn’t been as often, but she needed it now, and it felt okay that she did since it was almost an emergency, and the only thing that might calm her down.
It did. It worked. Afterwards, she didn’t feel nervous, and was able to concentrate properly too. Well enough that by smoking every few hours she was able to get through the rest of the day. She kept reading, and was almost studying properly, and remembering what she read too. Enough it wasn’t a completely wasted day, at least, which was all she could really hope for.
She stayed at the kitchen table, sitting in front her books, until Natalie came home about seven. She was concentrating hard enough by then that she jumped when she heard Natalie’s key in the outside of the door.
Evie got up, and pulled the door open while Natalie was still opening it from the other side. “What did Meredith say?” Evie said, without waiting to say hello.
“Hi,” Natalie said.
“Hey. What did Meredith say?”
“I’m sorry,” Natalie said, still in the outside hallway. “Nothing yet.”
“She didn’t say anything?” Evie said, alarmed.
Natalie came inside, and kissed Evie. “She hasn’t returned my call, that’s all.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Yeah, of course.”
“Are you all right?”
Evie nodded. Natalie seemed tired. She often did when she first got home. She was tired, and probably couldn’t be bothered dealing with Meredith and Evie’s problems, but she looked at Evie carefully anyway. “Really?” she said.
Evie nodded, even though it wasn’t completely true. “Yep,” she said. “I’m fine now. Thank you for before, though. That was sweet.”
“You’re sure you’re all right?” Natalie said again.
“I am,” Evie said.
Natalie nodded, and seemed satisfied with that, although she might just be letting herself believe what suited her. She kissed Evie again. “Meredith’ll call,” she said. “Maybe tonight.” She closed the front door, and went to the bed
room to change.
“Maybe,” Evie called.
“It’ll be all right,” Natalie called back. “I’ll make it all right, I promise.”
“Thank you,” Evie shouted.
“That’s fine.”
“Stop talking about it now though, okay?” Evie called.
Natalie looked out into the hall, back at Evie. “Why?” she said.
“I need to study.”
“Yes, of course,” Natalie said, and went back into the bedroom.
That seemed to be the end of it. Natalie seemed to accept that Evie was coping, and Evie pretended to be coping too. She acted calmly, and didn’t mention Meredith again, but she still jumped whenever she head anything that sounded like a phone ringing. Like Natalie’s computer getting email, and the microwave binging as it finished cooking. The apartment phone rung just after eight, and even though it was only a telemarketer, Evie decided she’d had enough. She could wait to find out what Meredith would do, she decided, if it meant getting a little peace. She switched off all the phones, Natalie’s too. Meredith could leave a message if she wanted to.
It was the right thing to do. It actually helped. More than Evie would have thought it would. After that she relaxed a little, and concentrated on her reading, and later, she also managed to sleep.
She went to her lectures the next day, and was nervous again. She almost expected to be stopped at the front gates and banned from the law programme. She was on edge at she sat down in her lecture, and her anxiety must have been obvious. “Are you okay?” Lizzy said.
“No.”
A door slammed at the back of the room, and Evie almost leapt up and ran out. Lizzy said something about her being so jumpy and paranoid, and asked if Evie was smoking too much weed.
“Leave me alone,” Evie snapped, and Lizzy just hugged her.
“Oh,” Evie said, after a moment. “Thank you.”
Later, after the lecture, on four separate occasions as she left, people Evie had barely spoken to before stopped her and asked how she knew Meredith. Confused, Evie kept saying she didn’t actually know Meredith, because she didn’t know what else to say. Each person seemed disappointed, almost let down. It seemed as if Meredith might to be useful for her networking, Evie thought, even if not for her actual life and career.
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