“Oh,” Meredith said, and actually seemed to consider that. “Perhaps not,” she said. “Have you?”
“No,” Evie said. “Kind of my point…”
Meredith seemed to be thinking.
“Well, have you?” Evie said, actually curious. “I mean, except when you call her Nat…?”
Meredith didn’t answer. She flushed slightly, and her jaw got tight. She seemed tense, she seemed to be clenching herself all over. Her hand on her bag was pale.
“Well?” Evie said.
“Stop it,” Meredith said sharply.
Evie stood there, and smoked, and grinned. She felt like she’d won somehow, just by making Meredith snap at her.
“Could we stop this?” Meredith said. “Please? And just talk?”
“Yep. Of course.”
“Good. Thank you.”
Evie shrugged.
“Because actually,” Meredith said, in what sounded like her voice for getting meetings back on track. “That touches on what I wanted to say. I mean, if you actually want to hear it?”
Evie shrugged again.
“Well, do you?”
“I suppose,” Evie said. “What?”
“Just that I’m not going to do anything to you as long as you stay with Natalie.”
“What?” Evie said, not completely sure she had actually heard that right. She thought for a moment, and decided she had. “You’ll leave me alone while I stay with Natalie?” she said.
“That’s right.”
“Oh,” Evie said, irritated. “Well yay for you. And how kind of you, thank you so much.”
Meredith hesitated. “I don’t understand why you’re upset…”
“Fucking obviously.”
Meredith just looked at her.
“For fuck’s sake,” Evie said. “Seriously? That’s it? That’s all you’re here to tell me? That if I stay with Natalie you’ll leave me alone, but if I hurt her and you’ll ruin my life?”
“It is.”
“Fuck, that’s kind of…” Evie didn’t know what to say. Creepy and possessive and Meredith’s favourite, childish, and all came to mind. “That’s just stupid,” she said in the end. “It really is.”
“If you say so,” Meredith said. “Not that it matters, as long as you stay with her.”
“You’re a fucking idiot,” Evie said. “You know that, don’t you?”
Meredith actually looked angry for a moment. As if now, finally, once she’d made her offer, suddenly everything was different. As if Evie speaking to her like that was suddenly more than she could stand. As if Evie ought to be grateful, or polite, or whatever else, and suddenly change how she’d always been towards Meredith.
Evie wasn’t going to stop. She didn’t necessarily want a fight, not before she’d had time to think about it all more carefully, but she wasn’t going to stop just because of that.
She wasn’t sure where that left them.
*
Evie didn’t want to fight by accident. Not by accident, without some good reason. Meredith was looking angry, and Evie was feeling angry too, and the situation might be about to get out of control. It didn’t seem worth standing there shouting at each other, Evie decided, now matter how irritating Meredith was.
Evie decided she ought to calm things down. She ought to be nice, for a little while, even if Meredith wasn’t. Especially since the conversation until now had mostly been Evie deliberately annoying Meredith, it seemed like Evie’s turn to try and behave.
Evie took a long, slow breath, and didn’t say anything for a moment. The useful thing about smoking, she thought, was she could do this without being obvious. She could breathe in, and concentrate on that, and stop speaking whenever she wanted to. It was actually quite handy, she thought, as she did. She breathed in, and breathed out slowly, and then said, “You actually want me to stay with Natalie?”
“I want you not to hurt her,” Meredith said. “Yes.”
“But aren’t you supposed to be wanting her back?”
Meredith seemed surprised. “What? Of course not.”
“But you and her were together for ages…”
“Yes,” Meredith said. “So?”
They looked at each other.
“Oh,” Meredith said. “You really thought…?”
“Well, yes,” Evie said. “Isn’t that why you’re always so rude to me…”
Now Meredith seemed confused. “I don’t know what that has to do with anything.”
“Whenever I see you…” Evie stopped. “You obviously don’t like me. I mean, that’s pretty clear.”
“You’re exactly the same way to me.”
“Well yeah,” Evie said. “Because you’re rude. Because you want Natalie back and are jealous…”
“No,” Meredith said. “I’m rude, but because you’re a nasty self-centred little cow.”
“Oh,” Evie said, beginning to understand. She was thinking hard enough not to care what Meredith had just called her. “Yep, I see. Because of when we met?”
Meredith looked at her, surprised. “Of course.”
“Okay, I get you now.” Evie was thinking. “So you don’t want Natalie back…” she said.
“No.”
“You just want me not to hurt her.”
Meredith sighed. “As I said.”
“Yeah,” Evie said, still thinking. “Can I be completely honest? I don’t understand.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to.”
Evie looked at her for a moment. “You’re kind of being an asshole again. Do you have to be so patronising?”
Meredith shrugged.
“I don’t understand why all this,” Evie said. “Why talking to me. Why you telling me that, what you just did? Is it because you feel guilty or something? About how you treated Natalie when you left?”
Meredith didn’t answer.
“Or are you just being selfish?” Evie said. “Because you don’t want shit getting complicated for you? And you think it might now I’m around?”
“Does it matter why?”
“It does to me.”
“I don’t think I’m going to tell you.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Evie said. “Seriously?”
“I can’t see how it helps. Or matters, either.”
“It matters a lot to me,” Evie said.
Meredith thought for a moment, then shrugged.
“Fuck,” Evie said. “Please?”
Meredith still didn’t say anything.
“Or put it this way then,” Evie said. “I don’t trust you, so I’m not believing a thing you say until you explain properly.”
“Fine,” Meredith said. “But you won’t like what you hear.”
“Just tell me. Please.”
“I care about Nat. Still. And I don’t share her faith in you. It all seems a little too convenient to me.”
“So?”
“So I think you’re out for some advantage. And I want you to know that if you are, whatever you gain from her, I’ll take away again.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Yeah, I see.”
“You do?”
“Yep. Because you don’t understand why else someone would want to be with her.”
“That’s awful,” Meredith said.
“It’s true though, isn’t it,” Evie said. “Someone like me. Someone my age. That’s what you actually mean?”
“Someone your age,” Meredith said. “Yes.”
“God you’re horrible.”
Meredith went quiet.
“You are,” Evie said. “You know that, right?”
“I think I’m finished talking. I’ve said what I came here to say.”
“I’ll bet,” Evie said. “But maybe I’m not.”
Meredith seemed to be waiting, but Evie suddenly stopped and thought. She wanted to berate Meredith, to tell Meredith what she thought of her. She wanted to say what she’d been keeping inside herself since the first time they met, all sorts of angry things about respect and
arrogance and who Meredith thought deserved who. Evie had been wanting to say those things for weeks, to shout at Meredith, and tell her awful she was. She still wanted to do that, but she suddenly realized she couldn’t. Not when it meant admitting she’d worked out Meredith’s thoughts, and so, implicitly, that there must be a little truth in them for her to see. Not when admitting anything would be a betrayal of Natalie, and implying she saw Natalie as something less than utterly perfect. To Meredith, most of all, that would just be wrong. Especially when perfect was exactly what Natalie was.
“Well?” Meredith said, sounding irritated. “What is it?”
“Nothing,” Evie said. “I’m done. Are you?”
Meredith nodded.
“Well in that case,” Evie said. “Thank fuck and can we stop? Please? Now?”
“You don’t actually need to be like that…” Meredith began.
“Yep,” Evie said. “I know. I won’t. I didn’t mean…” She stopped. “I’m just asking if there’s anything else, or are we done?”
“That was rude.”
“No shit, and I said I wouldn’t, so stop being difficult. I’m not being rude right now, this second, so let it go.”
Meredith hesitated.
“I have to get to a tute,” Evie said. “And I really need to be at it, because it’s the last one of the year. So if that was all you wanted…?”
Meredith nodded.
“Then I’ll be really quick about this.”
“About what?”
“About what you just said, for fuck’s sake. About answering. So yep, that’s all fine, if that’s how you want it to be. If you’re trying to make a deal then yes, we’ll do that.”
“A deal?”
“Isn’t that what you want? Some kind of special deal between us so you get to have had a say? Like you threaten me so I go all oh my god please leave me alone? And then I do what you want? And then you get to not feel guilty about treating Natalie like shit way back when? Or we don’t shout at each other at the law society dinner? Or whatever the fuck it is you’re actually worried about, which I really don’t care any more. So yep, we have a deal. I agree. Are we finished now?”
Meredith seemed surprised. She kept looking at Evie.
“Oh yeah,” Evie said. “I’m perceptive and shit. For some reason people keep assuming I’m not. So was that all you wanted? There’s nothing else to add? I stay with Natalie and we’re mates and I stop being rude and you don’t mess with me?”
“I wouldn’t have phrased it exactly…”
“I would,” Evie said. “And again, if yes, then done. Because since I’m staying with Natalie, I don’t really care what you think you’ll do if I leave her. It isn’t going to happen, so whatever, that’s fine. Just don’t interfere in our lives any more now, okay?”
“I’m not interfering...”
“You kind of are, so stop. Thank you. And don’t any more.”
Meredith shrugged.
“I mean it,” Evie said.
“I won’t,” Meredith said.
Evie nodded. “Thank you.”
“I won’t help you either, though,” Meredith said. “Just so you know.”
“You weren’t going to anyway.”
“I might have, if we’d met some other way.”
Evie thought for a moment. “Liar.”
“I might have. I could have liked you, I think. At least, I can see what it is that Natalie likes.”
“Oh fuck off,” Evie said.
“We could have been friends,” Meredith said. “We have a lot in common.”
“Fuck off again,” Evie said, because that was simplest. Meredith might want to stand there having some kind of worldly chat about everything, but Evie didn’t want to, not at all. “I really need to go.”
Meredith shrugged. “I might have helped you, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Well don’t. Please. That’s just completely weird. I’m absolutely okay with us not liking each other at all. I’m okay with us never speaking again, ever, about anything. And I still need to go. So if we’re finished…?”
“Go,” Meredith said.
“That’s really all you wanted?” Evie said, still expecting some trick. “Just this speech, and a weird deal… We done now?”
Meredith nodded.
“I’m leaving,” Evie said, making sure, because it all seemed too odd. “I really am. So if you had anything else…?”
“No.”
“Last chance?”
Meredith just stood there, so Evie walked away. She walked away still not quite believing what had just happened.
*
Evie went to her tutorial, and then went home, still a little puzzled by the conversation with Meredith. She didn’t quite understand what it all meant, or why Meredith had bothered, or even if Meredith was being entirely truthful. She thought about it occasionally during the afternoon, wondering, but getting nowhere particular, and in the end she decided not to care. If Meredith was going to leave her alone, then that was good and Evie could stop being concerned. On the other hand, if Meredith was scheming, then Evie couldn’t see how, so worrying wouldn’t actually help. Either way, not brooding about Meredith would be a pleasant change after the last few days. It was something to make the most of it, so she did.
She read all afternoon, taking notes for her first exam. Around six, she began making dinner, and was still cooking when Natalie came in.
“Hey,” Evie called when she heard the door. “Come over here. I have sauce and I can’t stop stirring.”
Natalie put down her bag and briefcase, and came over, and kissed Evie. “How are you?” she said.
“Yep,” Evie said. “Good. Went to uni, had a tute, and, oh yeah, I fixed everything with Meredith too.”
Natalie stood there for a moment, apparently thinking about that, then said, “With Meredith?”
“Yep.”
“That’s what I thought you said. You fixed what with her, exactly?”
“Everything, I think.”
“Oh god, what happened?”
“Nothing much. She came to see me.”
“Here?”
“At uni.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Oh fuck. I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?”
“I don’t know. Because she’s my disaster. Because I should have tried harder to keep her away from you. What awful thing did she do?”
“Nah, it’s fine. Nothing happened. We made a deal.”
Natalie was quiet for a moment, apparently needing to think about that too. Evie kept stirring, grinning at Natalie.
“You did what?” Natalie said, eventually.
“Her and me,” Evie said. “We made a deal about you. About all of us, I suppose, but mostly about you. We divided you up and I get to keep you.”
“Oh good,” Natalie said. “Well, that’s a relief.”
Evie grinned. “I thought you might think so.”
“God, I’m sorry. I can only imagine what she was like.”
“Don’t be. It’s really fine.”
“You don’t need to be polite, just call her a interfering bitch.”
Evie didn’t say anything. She deliberately didn’t. Natalie looked at her, and seemed to realize.
“Well, what’s the deal?” Natalie said.
“In a sec,” Evie said, and held out the spoon she was stirring with. “Taste. Is that too salty?”
Natalie did, then shook her head. “It’s fine. What’s the deal?”
“I can’t ever leave you, or upset you, or break up with you, or I guess do anything you don’t want me to. And then Meredith’ll leave me alone.”
Natalie sighed. She leaned on the bench where Evie usually sat to smoke. They’d stopped leaving food there, so there was a space. She leaned, and watched Evie stir, and seemed to be thinking. “I don’t know what to say,” she said, in the end.
“You don’t need to say anything. It was all her.”
“I know. But ev
en so…”
“Don’t worry,” Evie said. “Really.”
“I’m sorry.”
Evie shrugged. She stirred for a moment, and then added pepper to the sauce. “Meredith’s protective of you,” she said. “Apparently.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Really protective. Or something.”
“Rude. Interfering. Nosy.”
Evie grinned. “That too.”
“I’ll talk to her. I really will. I’m sorry, I just ran out of time this week and didn’t think anything would actually happen.”
“You really don’t need to. It was actually kind of sweet. In a slightly possessive and creepy way.”
“God, I know. I’m sorry. She can’t just do things like this…”
“Hey,” Evie said, and stopped stirring to kiss Natalie quickly. “It’s fine. This time, it’s really fine, I promise. She said stuff, but none of it matters. I wasn’t going to leave you, or upset you, or whatever, so it doesn’t really matter what she tells me to do.”
“Except that this way, now she’ll think…” Natalie stopped, and seemed to be considering. Whether to finish what she’d started to say, Evie supposed, in case Evie hadn’t realized.
“She’ll think she had something to do with us staying together?” Evie said.
Natalie nodded.
“Yep,” Evie said. “So what? Does it matter?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Do you care?”
Natalie didn’t answer.
“And besides,” Evie said. “Isn’t that just her being her? I mean, won’t she think that anyway?”
“I should still talk to her.”
“If you want, of course. But you really don’t need to bother. Not for my sake, anyway.”
Natalie nodded.
“Although it does kind of mean we have can’t ever have a big fight,” Evie said. “I mean, we have to try really hard not to.”
“I wasn’t planning to,” Natalie said.
“That’s good, because otherwise my career’s over.”
Natalie looked at her, and seemed to be trying to decide whether to smile.
“I mean it,” Evie said. “That’s what she said, and I think she meant it.”
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